Just talking myself down

[EvaGina]

I am just a bit confused, batteling between my heart/desires and what I know is best for my boyfriend.

 

I have known him for 8 years, he was my first proper bf when I was 15. We have recently met up after not seeing eachother for 5 years and its great. We had a connection all that time ago and I have never forgotten him.

 

He was single for 2 years before we met back up last year... his last gf tried to make him choose between him and his family and although he acts quite flippant about the whole thing, I think it hurt him more than he lets on.

 

He is also very self-conscious, one of those men who acts like they are super happy and jovial all the time, but he is really quite down on himself.

 

We have an amazing amount of fun!! I know how he feels about me, he doesnt tell me he loves me but thats just three little words, right? He treats me better than anyone ever has before, and he has been my motivation for me to start working on the flaws in my personality, I want to make him happy. I am so in love I tear up at the thought of him.

 

Its just that every now and then I feel like he is going to talk about somthing important, but he clams up. He doesnt trust me enough to fully let go yet, and although I am being patient and I dont pressure him into anything, I sometimes want to shake him and yell "DONT YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU AND YOU CAN TRUST ME WITH ANYTHING?!!?!!!"

 

I just gently ask him questions and try to get him to come out of his shell. I know he is trying hard with me, he is so patient and kind, and I am sure I could tell him anything and he wouldnt hold it against me. I just wish he knew he could trust me.

 

he knows how I feel about him. I am leaving the "I love you" thing up to him, but I am always letting him know (not just with words) how much he means to me.

 

I have some trust issues as well (I have a long history with cheating, beating and rape), I have told them and he understands. I know he would never do anything to intentionally hurt me and I am desperatly trying to get over my issues. I think its unfair to let the horrible people in my past effect what he and I have.

 

So yes, I know I just need to be patient and let him relax, this thread is more to set my thoughts out and hopefully someone can tell me I am doing the right thing and perhaps tell me any experiences they have had?

[caro33]

Hi there Eva

 

How long have you been dating? You said you got back together last year - how many months does that make it now? Reading some of the posts on the "how long was it until you said it" (or whatever the thread was called) suggested 6 months or more was reasonable, but I have to say I wouldn't personally cope with that long a wait if my partner and I were very close.

 

You do trust him then? Your words sound like you very much want to, but do you feel that you really can - is your need to hear "the words" in order for you to feel more secure?

 

If you do trust him, then I agree, what you are doing is probably right, and have some faith.

 

However, if you have any lingering doubts about his feelings I am more inclined to recommend caution - at least try to keep a little emotional distance until the time when you don't have any doubts. I know you are in love but being in love can be a very scary place if you don't know where you stand and you think there is some chance they don't feel the same way.

 

I hope you don't mind me asking, but why did you guys break up last time? How long did you date and how were things after it ended?

[EvaGina]

We havnt been back together for very long at all, only two months, the first of which we were mostly apart before I moved to his city.

I know it doesnt sound like much, and I know its cliche', but we both feel like we have been together forever. He can tell my mood just from the way I walk!!

I dont think you can put a time limit on love, as soon as I saw him again I knew we would be togther, it was almost instinct, we gravitated towards eachother physically and it sure would have looked like we were a couple.

 

I do trust him. Every now and then I get a bit of a fright and get scared he will cheat or somthing, but I know the difference between a "gut feeling" and just reminants of issues from the past. I know he is trustworthy, and when I todl him I was scared he didnt get mad, he just said "I suppose it will take time for you to trust me completely, but I am not going to break your heart".

 

I dont need to hear the words, even if I was to say it I wouldnt mind if he wasnt ready to say it back. I just have to hold myself back all the time, I think I said it to him when I was half asleep the other night, but it may have been a dream. I just desperatly dont want to make him feel uncomfortable by saying it.

 

Last time we broke up it wasnt anything major, I was very upset and he wasnt exactly a gentleman... but he smoked a lot of pot, which I wasnt happy with... and both of us dealt with it badly, leading to resentment. I dont even think about that anymore tho, all I can remember of those days is how much we used to laugh.

 

I was heartbroken after we broke up, I left the town (I was in boarding school) and I saw him every now and then for the next 2 years... we would normally end up in bed, but he was still angry at me for "trying to control him".

 

He has the weed thing under control now, he has the occasional smoke on the weekend with mates, which I am fine with, but I dont like how he is on it, so he doesnt do it around me

 

he has an EXTREMELY extroverted personality (outwardly, anyways) so he smokes pot to calm him down. Hes what most people would consider a weirdo, I think hes amazing

[caro33]

So you don't think he has any lingering concerns about you controlling him? I guess I was wondering if your history together has had some effect.

 

Maybe just keep doing what you are doing. Two months is special and can feel like a lifetime when you are in it, but for many people the big words can take a lot longer to come out.

 

He might even be taking a little longer because of your history in the sense that he knows this time has to count - you guys can't just turn around in a month and break it off like you could perhaps if you were new to one another. I'd say he's probably considering the import of what making a commitment means to his life, to you, to your future etc.

 

Try and keep enjoying yourself, and don't hold back too much. I think if he's got you that worked out he probably knows how you feel anyway. I'm not saying push him, but just keep acting as you feel and it's then up to him...

 

Yes, relax, you are doing the right thing . If it was like this after a year I might question it, but two months is still early days.

[EvaGina]

I have told him how I feel about his drinking and pot smoking (Im an alcoholic, and he works in a pub, but it doesnt seem to be an issue to me like how it was with my last bf) and he respects that. he doesnt get trashed around me and he smokes pot to be more socially acceptable, that I PREFER him when he is sober and crazy is somthing he really likes.

 

I have also told him that I hate him smoking ciggerettes, and he wants to quit too but he doesnt feel he is in the right place right now, which I understand (I used to smoke) and I have told him I will help him when he wants to quit but I wont pressure him.

 

In short, no, he knows I am not trying to control him

 

I suppose the history thing is true. He knows how much it hurt me last time and I know he wants this to last (small hints) and after his last gf, I know he appreciates that his family likes me. I suppose he is a bit scared that after being back together for a week I was ready to move for him (I was planning a move anyway, so it was just good timing) although he told me he wouldnt change it for the world.

 

sorry if I am ranting, I am just trying to sort through things in my head I suppose, I am normally quite cynical about relationships.

[caro33]

You're not ranting, it's fine.

 

It's none of my business, but do you think him working in a pub is sustainable for you guys?

[EvaGina]

You're not ranting, it's fine.

 

It's none of my business, but do you think him working in a pub is sustainable for you guys?

 

With the alcoholic thing?

Yeah, its fine, he's going back to tech full-time in 2 weeks, so he needs the night-time work.

Ill probably end up working in a pub or resturant next semester when I go back to uni as well

 

I dont tend to lapse just because alcohol is around me, I tend to do it when I am alone and upset.

[caro33]

Okay, sorry to pry.

 

Well I hope that it all works out for you guys. Just remember to be kind to yourself, and be kind to him. Enjoy it as much as you can, I think these can be the sweetest times .

[EvaGina]

 

Its ok, you werent prying

 

I hope it works out too, in fact, I am sure it will... I just need to vent a bit in order to gather my thoughts

 

Thanks for the input

[EvaGina]

-groan-

after saying that, I ended up getting plastered last night after a hugely stressfull day, and telling him I love him... then I picked a fight about this girl... (I still would have been irked at the situation if I was sober, but I would have handled it a lot better)

 

God, I am so lucky he is so understanding

[caro33]

Good work there EG!

 

So it's all okay now then?

[EvaGina]

Well, everything was fine, we had a cool day yesterday... but now Im annoyed for different reasons...

 

gah

sometimes I hate people