we broke up

[shadow34]

Your welcome...

 

But my friend its not a matter of someone making her understand, I dont think she wants to understand. I believe this is a control issue...

 

You have to decide whether your going to let this go and see if she comes back or not.....

 

You have done the right thing, you have tried to compromise and in my book she should be lucky she has a man willing to work this hard at a relationship...

 

She had the chance to walk away at the beginning, she didnt, she made that choice...

 

Let her be and I would tell her nicely but simply that you layed it all out before her when you started the relationship. Tell her love her but that your not going to quit for her, that your going to do it if you do it in your own time...If thats not good enough, well then my friend as painful as it is she has made her choice and If you settled for this you would only feel resentful and hurt as the relationship progressed and as she demanded more things from you....

 

Trust your heart, you have done the right and honourable thing here.

[sadcomposer]

I also believe it's a control issue. But she will never admit that. So I am sticking to no contact. I'm quitting pot as of now, but I am not going to let her know. I just want to do it to prove to myself that I can. If she makes contact, I'll have to see what she has to say, and really make her understand that I feel that she does not accept me as a whole, that it hurts a lot, and that she has a lot of work to do to figure out why she wants to control me like that.

[savoie]

My bf and i split for similar reasons two weeks ago. His partying is about alcohol. We had been together 10 months. In the time we have known each other he got a DUI. Anyone who drinks and drives can get a DUI - I know that. It doesn't necessarily indicate a problem. He was never mean just silly when intoxicated. I addressed the issue right from the beginning. I was careful not to make him feel judged - but it was hard due to how he was feeling about the DUI. I told him that I felt that our lifestyles were very different - but that didn't make his wrong. Alcoholism runs in my family - I am very sensitive to overindulgence and really dislike going to bars. He likes both. I told me that he wanted to change things. I saw so many good things in him and I knew that it wouldn't happen overnight. Many of his friends party in much the same way - so it wasn't a matter of just changing the drinking.

 

What happened next was he would disappear for a few days. He would typically admit that he went on a bender. At least he was honest about it. But I was growing increasingly worried about the next time this would happen. I kept telling him he really needed to be honest with himself and with me as to whether we were right for each other - since I really didn't see the full extent of his actions. The unaccountability and irresonsibility to certain things on his part took over our relationship and we were arguing more and more. He finally stated that we weren't right for each other.

 

I have been torn. But deep down if our lifestyles are as different as they appear to be - then I think the right relationship decision was made. He should live his life as he likes and so should I. Doesn't make either of us wrong. But I feel a tremendous loss - he was a really great guy.

 

It is hard to say if she felt the same way as I do - and didn't have the words to properly express it to you early on. But your relationship is still relatively new and the point is she did say something before a serious committment was made between the two of you.

 

She also may be using it as an excuse - one that you really can't argue with because there is another reason she wants to break up.

 

Finally, she may want the relationship but has control issues? If you have sensed other aspects about her that seem controlling - then it could be an attempt on her part to control/manipulate you. How does she interact with others, her family and her friends. Does she frequently have to have her way? How does she go about getting her way?

 

 

I think you really need to look hard at her as a person to determine what the answer is to the above possibilities - it's there. Once you determine the answer - then you have to decide if she is worth it and if her lifestyle is one that you want.....because she has made it clear that she doesn't want to live with yours.

 

Good luck.

[sadcomposer]

Yes, there are other things. I like to play pool. There is a local bar where I have been going to for years. A bit like cheers. I know a lot of people there. I used to go about 2 times a week before I met her when I was single. I would go, have 2 beers, play some pool and go home. I never drink and drive, I have a perfect driving record. In the 8 months we were together, I went maybe 3 times. She did not like it at all. She came with me once and said there were a lot of women there and she was not comfortable with that. So there is an insecurity there. I have always been faithful in all the relationships that I have been in. She knows me very well, my family and my values. Once again, she wanted to control me. She finally agreed that if I went with friends once in a while it was ok. So we did manage to compromise on that. But it still shows how she can be. Thanks

[savoie]

one other thing that i want to mention was your choice of words early on in your post. you said that you are not a chronic user but later in that paragraph mention what if i relapse? relapse is typically a word used to describe an addictive behavior. do you feel that you're addicted? if so, that could be the bigger issue here - at least for her. if not, then why are you concerned about the possibility that you would relapse?

[sadcomposer]

Yes there are other things. I like to play pool. She is really insecure about me going with my friends to play once in a while. But she was willing to accept it. So we were able to compromise on that, but it does show that she wants to control things because of her insecurity.

[sadcomposer]

Ok, maybe relapse is too big a word. I guess what I am saying is if my musician friends came to my place to jam, and I took a puff. Would she leave me right there and then? I am quitting for now, but I'm not sure I want to give it up altogether. Only I should decide that.

[savoie]

i understand your dilemma. since we only really know your side of the story - i don't want to automatically assume her reasons why. but from what you have said - she is firm in her decision. is it right? it really doesn't matter - it is what she wants for the long term. should she be more willing to compromise? this isn't what compromise is about - imo. most of the time compromise is agreeing to an issue that the other has and being ok with that full sacrifice - not doing it half way so to only partially satisfy both of you. many issues between couples are not something you can do half way - thats what makes or breaks a relationship. too many differences drive us apart - not the unwillingness to compromise. two people simply cannot compromise 1/2 way (on significant issues) and feel fully satisfied at the same time.