Broke the NC Rule Prior to Starting!!!!

[houdini]

Hello,

 

Here's my situation, when I started the NC rule (Monday night) I had written my ex an email earlier that day and in her response she told me she's made up her mind and that she's prayed alot. Earlier that morning prior to sending the mail I had ordered flowers to be delivered to her work and she received them today. Now I haven't talked to her since monday night and this is what she wrote me today in response to the flowers

 

Mario,

 

I just received the beautiful roses you sent and I wanted to say thank you. I hope you are doing well. I know this hasn’t been easy for u and it certainly hasn’t been easy for me. I think and pray every night. You say you don’t understand why this happened but if we both look back at the relationship we had these past five years and more so the last 2 years, I’m sure you will understand why if you sit and think about everything as I have. You said yourself one day, that we had more bad times than good ones. We both made so many mistakes. We both didn’t do enough together as a team to make our relationship work. I’m deeply sorry for the mistakes I made. I take responsibility for my actions. Please don’t blame yourself. I cherish the good times we had, the laughs, the times you made me feel special. I also thank you for trying with my girls the times you did. That meant so much to me. Our girls and Ayden saw so many things they needed not to see to the point that they were very apprehensive and I feel guilty for that. Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do to change that. I wish there was a way.

 

Our son is doing well. Everyday he looks more like you. I will send you pictures of him soon. Take care of yourself Mario and feel free to call for Ayden when you’re ready.

 

 

 

Norma

 

 

What do I do????? Do I respond or not????

 

Thank you!!1

[Me and myself]

Hi houdini

 

I feel sorry for the faillure of your relationship.

I believe she understood why you're in NC, she understood you need time to look at yourself and your relationship.

 

...when you’re ready

 

Her last words in the letter are telling you exactly that.

 

Hope this helps

[houdini]

I understand, but the NC is in place because she's asked for space and time to think and I'm trying to give that to her even though it kills me to do so I know it's the best thing for myself and her so that we can sort our own personal problems so we can grow from this and learn from our mistakes.

[Scout]

I know it's the best thing for myself and her so that we can sort our own personal problems so we can grow from this and learn from our mistakes.

 

Gosh, houdini, I hope you really do use NC for this. Because I went back over your other threads, and hon...it seems you've got a lot on your own plate to sort out. Not just this past relationship.

 

For example, your children. The two daughters you left to be with Norma, and of course, now your son with Norma. I hope that you can deal with your issues constructively, because these kids will need a father they can depend on. From what your ex wrote in the letter, it appears all the children have gone through a great deal in the past several years because of this toxic relationship.

[melrich]

I really don't see how you can do NC where you have a child together.

 

I know NC is the mantra of many at this site but really, please lets put it in perspective. You have to be a father to your child and that means you have to have some sort of working relationship with your ex.

[Scout]

I really don't see how you can do NC where you have a child together.

 

I know NC is the mantra of many at this site but really, please lets put it in perspective. You have to be a father to your child and that means you have to have some sort of working relationship with your ex.

 

Agreed. I just meant he should subsist from trying to get back together with her. Should have clarified myself better. But yeah, I don't see how he can be a father to his son if he's not in contact at all with his son's mom.

[melrich]

Yeah. I think people get way carried away by NC. It's not the solution to all situations. It's a solution when it is harder for the person to see the ex than not see them.

 

When there are mitigating issues it is ridiculous to blindly rush down the NC path.

[houdini]

Hello..

 

Thanks for the replies and I know NC is not a reasonable solution because of the fact that we have a son but at this time I'm chosing the NC route with my ex and talking to my son's grandmother to check on him. It's going to be hard to go see him because of the fact that we live 6hrs away but as time heals this heart I will be able to talk with my ex without the pain in my heart. ...My question to you all is I felt a sense that she wishes there was a way to fix this, but she doesnt think we've ever tried at the same time to fix our relationship issues and doesnt have faith that we can... I know I shouldnt respond but this email compared to her last emails are a bit different in her tone and in her words...Im just wondering if I should continue to give her time to think and maybe realize that we CAN put effort at the same time to fix what was broken which wasn't all that bad....she's good at magnifying the small things to turn them into huge problems.

[houdini]

Should I respond? maybe tell her what we can do to fix our problems that we've had?...our biggest problem were not letting go of the past mistakes and arguing about them in a wrong way. Should I give her more time to think about her decision and keep giving her the space she requested?

[Scout]

Again, I think you should concentrate on building solid relationships with your children, as for years now, this toxic relationship has consumed much of your attention and energy.

[neallo82288]

When children are involved there is a way to do nc and it is hard to do. You call them and ask to speak to the children involved and thats all and if the children are too small then talk to the ex ONLY about the children and nothing else. My worry is that you are not an active part of their lives and in the long run if this continues these children will resent that fact and even dispise you. The children are more important then any problem you and the ex have or had. You two need to put your problems aside and get along if only for the childrens sakes.

[houdini]

I agree with advice to put the kids first and I plan on doing so but in a safe manner considering this is a fresh breakup and my feelings are at it's lowest point right now...so I'll do what I need to do to keep in contact with my son as if I were already over the breakup but do it in a way that I'm not going to subject myself to more pain. I know my ex love's me and I feel she's given up hope on us fixing our problems or doesnt feel it's possible, she's always been a negative person and she's admitted this, she says she takes after her father. So reading her email she wrote that I posted her I analayzed over and over again and she repeats the same thing, that we've made many mistakes and we can't fix them but she wishes there was a way.... I dont know if I should respond and let her know there is a way but only if she wants it and get the support and help we need as I've been doing already and that is to ask the church for help and to have the lord in our relationship..we always said we were going to do that when she moved here but she ended things with me and never gave us the chance.... Should I respond to her email?

[Scout]

I thought it was a bit telling she said you two had more bad times than good. And in one of your other threads where you posted one of her emails, she said something about the children having to witness a lot of your fights, or somehow were subjected to the problems you two had.

 

Is she just being negative, or is there truth to what she says?

 

It seems to me she's serious about this break up. Again, I think you need to concentrate on your relationships with your children and step away from things with your ex for a good while. You just don't have any control over her emotions and actions at this point, and anything you do to try to influence them will almost surely make things worse. I would let time and the Universe do it's work, and let God handle what you can't right now. Again, focus on your kids.

[houdini]

In her email she stated that I had said one time that we have had more bad than good times and that is a true statement from me but a bit over exhaggerated because it was said out of anger during an argument. Yes, our children did witness arguments we've had and although I don't think it's ok to argue in front of children, that was one of our problems we had and our arguments stemmed from past issues,mistakes and resentment towards me for the negative things in our relationship. I will focus on my son that I have with her and with my girls that I already have a great relationship with. I will continue to give my ex her space and continue to work on myself with my own personal issues. Thanks for the responses they sure do help!!!

[neallo82288]

Just call her up and state nothing more than I wanna see my son and tell her when you will be there to get him and when you will have him home. Then take a sibling and go get him. AHave the sibling goto door and get your son and take him to you, this way you never have to see her or talk to her.

[neallo82288]

Just call her up and state nothing more than I wanna see my son and tell her when you will be there to get him and when you will have him home. Then take a sibling and go get him. AHave the sibling goto door and get your son and take him to you, this way you never have to see her or talk to her.

[houdini]

neallo82288,

 

Thanks for the great idea, I plan on going sometime soon as I'l have to go on a weekend or take a day or two off of work during the week. My son is going to be 4yrs old in april so he's not in school right now. I'm just absolutely terrified of seeing my ex again and the emotions come rushing back and I get weak and vulnerable... I just know I will and I dont think right now I have the strength to go through something like that.

[neallo82288]

That is why you have a friend or sibling go with you to get the child, because you do not have to see her or even talk to her(in person). I know it is hard and to let you know I went through this same exact thing prior to me ever finding this site (10 yrs ago). heres another post that might help, it sure saved me alot of pain.

 

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