Love Shyness

[Locke2121]

Does anyone have any tips to help curb this? In the regular world, shy is the last thing anyone would call me. At work I love to shoot the *** with everyone and can actually get what I would term flirtatious, in a safe way, but when it comes to actually talking in a meaningful way with a woman..well you know.

[MetallicAguy]

Well, your only shy if you feel like you have something to hide, right? Then you have to break down barriers. I think you should discover what it is about yourself that your not comfortable about and try to fix it. Like for me it was not being as outgoing as other guys, all I needed was to have a care-free attitude and be myself -- if any girls didn't like me, it wasn't a big deal. It does take a little bit of practice in changing yourself to be comfortable and not shy, and if you mess up at all the girl won't think your weird for it. In fact, a lot of girls think that shyness is cute. One thing that helped me the most was when I wouldn't talk to a girl who was giving me signs I'd just think to myself "this weak guy **** isn't getting you anywhere, if you take this path your going to end up not getting a number or anything". So, work on your weaknesses and you should break shyness in no time.

[iwishiknew]

Never knew there was such a word as loveshy

[Kevin T]

Not only is it a word, it is a condition. Not a very good one, either:

 

link removed

 

See that for more information. Might want to try taking the test on the site, too, to see where you fit in. I highly recommend downloading the PDF of Gilmartin's book. Definitely worth a read, if you are shy with women.

[Locke2121]

I'm not at what I would call the extreme end of the condition. It appears that the really bad cases are one step from total mental cases! They are often stalkers, have cognitive problems, are sometimes trouble-makers and can easily be classified as either manic or depressive.

 

I'm actually a really nice guy, but one who simply cannot talk to a women in even a slightly romantic or meaningful way.

[Kevin T]

I'm not at what I would call the extreme end of the condition. It appears that the really bad cases are one step from total mental cases! They are often stalkers, have cognitive problems, are sometimes trouble-makers and can easily be classified as either manic or depressive.

 

I'm actually a really nice guy, but one who simply cannot talk to a women in even a slightly romantic or meaningful way.

 

I don't see where you're getting that from. Most guys who are love shy are no different than yourself.

 

"Nice" but they don't ever get anywhere with women. Usually paralyzed by their own fear.

 

If you can't even talk to a woman you are romantically interested in, I'd say that is pretty extreme. And it won't get any better by itself either.

[Locke2121]

A sample of Gilmartian's findings...

"Gilmartin's love-shy men were poorly-adjusted and high in rates of psychopathology. He found that the love-shy men had considerably more violent fantasies, were much more likely to believe that nobody cared about them, and were much more likely to have difficulties concentrating. He also found a tendency in some of the love-shy men to stare compulsively at women they were infatuated with or even stalk them, but without being able to talk to them, which sometimes got them in trouble with school authorities. Most of the love-shy men reported experiencing frequent feelings of depression. Also, many love-shy men have parents who disallow them to go on dates and have trouble circumventing it; they can also be convinced regardless of having permission to do so. Also, many love-shy men have had their privacy over-invaded."

 

And I can talk to women, even ones that I'm interested in. But when it comes to crossing that line, ZIP! Thats what I hate so much about being this way. I know alot of women that think I'm just the sweetest man, but I never cross that line and I know they wonder about that. Here it is easy to talk about my problem, everyone here is a faceless character that isn't RIGHT THERE judging me. But I could never tell a woman I'm interested in about my problem, it would be like I want pity from her, which I hate.

[Kevin T]

Whoops, forgot that part. lol Okay, so you were right about that part. lol (Can't argue with you, there...)

 

It doesn't sound like you're "love shy" at all, then. I'd say more like suffering from being overly nice with women. You're "too nice" for them, in many respects.

[Locke2121]

No, I'm not too nice. I can't, repeat CAN'T bring myself to talk to a women in a romantic way. I can't talk about my feelings, tell them I'm interested in them, any of that! Ask a girl on a date? I'd puke! I actually freeze up and the only way I can deal with it is to stop thinking of them in a romantic way. That lets me start talking again, but also means I'm right back to square one, the nice guy who is everyone's friend...period.

[Kevin T]

First of all, you shouldn't be telling a girl your feelings. As for asking them out on a date, is it nervousness holding you back? Fear of rejection? Fear of failure? Fear of success?

 

What is keeping you from doing it? Why "can't" you talk to them as you'd like to?

[Locke2121]

D****d if I know...I've never been able to.

[iwishiknew]

First of all, you shouldn't be telling a girl your feelings. As for asking them out on a date, is it nervousness holding you back? Fear of rejection? Fear of failure? Fear of success?

 

What is keeping you from doing it? Why "can't" you talk to them as you'd like to?

 

 

For me its sometimes fear of failure and rejection..I have always been rejected, stoodup and turned down so many times in my teen yrs and in my 20's so sometimes its not easy. When I think of it, its brings back flashbacks. ](*,) And it hurts alot.

[Kevin T]

Don't you think it's a tad presumptuous to expect a woman to reject you before she even knows you? How can you claim to read her mind?

[Locke2121]

Not really, but the fear of rejection makes it seem like you can.

[scotty77]

I seem to be in the same boat as you.I can talk articulately to most people but am hopeless at taking the plunge[asking wome out].If one could ''desensitize'' oneself from rejection then I guess that would be the solution,it is easier said than done however.No risk ..No reward.I think most men eventually have to find there own way with women.That is you will discover your own strategy or style.Obviously what I am doing [and from the sounds of it you also] isn't working,so I have to change my game plan.Good luck.

[cpc28655]

Don't take this the wrong way, but I would suggest professional help. If it is that serious, then that is the best way to go.

[charley]

Sure there's a cure. Practice in small steps is the cure. That's what I did and I found it rather effective.