Do reconciliations really happen???

[stillhopeful]

Hi,

 

I am new to this forum. My story? Long and complex, so bear with me. Well, my ex-fiance called off our wedding just weeks before the big day. That was 6 months ago. We lived together for 3 years and fought constantly about his 2 kids and ex (ex has custody). I punished him constantly for coming with this "baggage." He tolerated a lot from me in those 3 years and tried as hard as he could to reassure me that I was his priority and he didn't want to lose me. He constantly professed his love to me and I really took it for granted. I didn't even realize how destructive my behavior was although my family thought he was crazy to stay with me.

 

Well, I guess he really thought about the kind of life we would have with all the fighting about his kids who he loves dearly and plans to be a father to no matter what. I wanted him all to myself and although I was always nice to his kids, I never made an effort to bond with them or reach out to them. I don't have any kids and have never been married.

 

As you can imagine, I was devasted when he told me he couldn't marry me. I immediately packed my things and left for another city to be closer to my family. I told him there was no need for explanations and told him to never contact me again. He told me he would do as I wished. Anyway, I broke the no contact rule to wish him a happy birthday a month later and we talked on a weekly basis after that just to chat as we still love and respect each other.

 

Two months after that, he told me he was dying to see me again and I met him in New York and we just had a blast. That trip brought back all these emotions in me and I realized how wrong I had been to be so hostile about his kids and how I gave him no choice but to call the wedding off. I spent the next month really wishing I had tried harder to bring us closer together as a family instead of trying to always make him choose between me and his kids. I actually think his kids are nice but I can be so insecure sometimes. He was so tired of arguing about his kids that the topic of his kids became taboo in our relationship. Again, how could I have thought this was realistic??

 

So, we talk weekly still and I have flown to see him four times in the last two months and even spent a weekend with him and his kids. We even spent X-mas and New Year's together and I just recently spent two weeks at his house. We have talked exhaustively about what we are doing here. He still loves me dearly and I love him so much but he is paralyzed by fear that things will go back to how they were after our "reunion" phase wears off. I told him that I am COMMITTED to really trying this time and accepting his kids as my family and being supportive of him and any decisions regarding the children. He knows where I stand and before I left, I told him I would give him some space and time to think. I am now scared I cornered him or made him feel like I am giving him an ultimatum.

 

I have been paralyzed myself lately by fear that he will just decide there is just too much past ugliness to move on to a healthy relationship ever again. I know him and he would not have spent as much time as he has with me unless he really still loved me as he is a very busy person. He told me he is so conflicted and that he thinks about us constantly but just doesn't know what to do. He agreed with me that being in limbo is very stressful and said he was in a conundrum with our situtation.

 

Am I crazy to think that just because he has spent all this time with me it means we have a chance? A part of me is so optimistic and the other part tells me that his deep logic will ignore his heart and tell him to cut it off with me completely. I wish so much that I knew then what I know now. He asked me so many times to be more supportive and I would get defensive and unresponsive. Each time we see each other, we hold each other tightly telling each other how much we love each other. The hardest part for both of us is that we are still so in love with each other and continue to do really sweet things for each other when we are together. What is so hard for me is that the last time I saw him, he really went out of his way to NOT do some of the things I told him hurt me when we were together. I was so happy that he was listening to me and really trying.

 

I have laid it out for him. If we want to reconcile, it will be a clean slate with no using the past against each other and there must be a solid committment on both sides to make this work even if we hit a bump or two along the way. Also, neither of us has dated or slept with anyone else since we split 6 months ago and neither of us wants to.

 

Has anyone gone thru such a traumatic event like a broken engagement so close to the date or known anyone who has and actually gone on to work it out??? Am I fooling myself into believing he is really considering giving it another chance with me? I am so consumed by this but I am going to give him his space and wait for him to contact me. Any advice or words of support would be helpful. Thanks for reading!

 

Stillhopeful

[Lady Bugg]

I can understand how you feel.......and I can see how exhausting all that fighting must have been.

 

I think it's a positive sign that he is still spending so much time with you. If he is a busy person and a parent, then he must truly want to see you in order for this to happen.

 

I can also see his reluctance and hesitance with your past. What exactly have you done to change in this time period? What has changed that you can suddenly see yourself as a stepmother to his childre that you not so long ago held contempt for? You say you are sincere about really making it work....but what brought you to this conclusion...aside from being in love with him? Marrying someone with children takes a LOT of guts, patience and understanding..and yes, sometimes it also means taking a back seat to the kids. I am sure these are all questions HE is thinking as well. How can he trust what you're saying?

 

I am sure these situations have worked out...but it usually takes a LOT of work.

 

Anyway....those are my thoughts......I hope things work out for you either way...

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA stillhopeful! Great to have you here!

 

In short, I think this has a chance...

 

The formula makes sense: issues cause a split, there is true distance and time with such that passes during which a new perspective is gained on the situation and realizations are made about your role in such. Then you reconnect, start talking and pending time together again, address these issues, find there are still feelings present, and here we are...

 

It all makes sense and I've seen firsthand situations like this work out and people go onto live healthy and enriched lives together...

 

You did the right thing by being direct in seeking a direction from him. Limbo is no place for anyone...I'd much rather have a "yes" or "no", or even a "go to hell you bastard" than an "I don't know"...

 

The way I see this is that he actually started breaking up with you before he actually did, which puts him in a place of more psychological and emotional distance than you. Realize it took him a lot of gumption to call this thing quits having built so much history together, good and bad, and he had to dig himself into a pretty firm emotional ground to do so. He's suffered too and is likely feeling many of the exact same feelings you are right now.

 

And you can't "wipe the slate clean and forget the past". We would like to, but unless we somehow develop amnesia or get brain surgery, the constraints of the reality of our memory and our feelings associated with such dictate otherwise.

 

So perhaps instead of shunning the past and trying in vain to bury it, work with it and the lessons it taught you to motivate small and progressive changes towards better places in the relationship.

 

You are still going to have the urges to do what you did before and the situation will naturally tend to revert back to the way it was. Realize that, expect it, and tell him that you're going to try your best in the future to "catch and release" those urges should they surface again, because you are going to do this. Getting back together isn't the end here, it would only be a beginning, a beginning where a lot of the things in the past will be the same and a probably only a few things different. These changes will take time and won't come surely. You both have to be ready to have patience and dedication to nurturing these changes while at the same time not letting them overshadow the purpose of the relationship...

 

Approach this as honestly and realistically as possible. Realize you guys are feeling very similar feelings and try to make a connection with those feelings. Talk about them...keep talking honestly...that's key...everything you told us here and that which you didn't tell us. Build deeper and richer levels of emotional and physical intimacy from the intimacy of communication.

 

The other key is letting the effects of this communication sink in and releasing your desire to control the outcome of this. A difficult balance but one that can be achieved. I've seen it happen...

 

First of all, I think you should re-communicate your pseudo-ultimatum when you said, "If we want to reconcile, it will be a clean slate with no using the past against each other and there must be a solid commitment on both sides to make this work even if we hit a bump or two along the way." Even though the second part is true, I can see this putting pressure on him and misconveying your purpose here.

 

I think you should be direct and set some limits on the time spent in limbo, but maybe re-lay this out for him...something to the effect of...

 

"I think we can do this, let's be patient with each and other and figure it out as we go. It won't be easy and we'll make mistakes but we'll do so together. I love you with all my heart and soul and I want to be with you baby."

 

Leave it for a week or so and if you still get wishy-washed around, I'd start shifting focus towards moving onto making distance with this...

 

I have a good feeling this is going to work out for you guys. Go for it...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think you do have a chance, but you put him in a really impossible position before by making him choose between paying attention to you or his children... he is probably very gunshy after that experience, and not sure you are totally sincere, or even really have had a change of heart, since that was pretty selfish of you, especially considering they are children who really need a father's love and presense, and not to be hated/excluded by his father's girlfriend... so the good news is you recognize you were wrong, but the bad news is he is probably being very cautious becuase of this, and not sure whether you can do a complete turnaround to be a good stepmother to them...

 

having said that, i think that you have to add one more condition to getting back together, that you will totally and completely accept that his children are your children too, and you must accept them, love them, and treat them with the same consideration and love as you would him or your own natural born children... i think you have fully accepted that you love him enough to 'try', but you need to spend as much time focusing on his children as you do on him....

 

that might mean going into family counseling together with him and his kids as soon as you move back, and even personal counseling to understand why you would feel the need to complete with his kids for his attention, and why you felt threatened by them, or angry at them... a parent-child relationship is totally different than a husband-wife/boyfriend-girlfriend partnership, and if you saw his children as competition, you need to straighten your head out about that with counseling before you consider marrying him...

 

best of luck, it does sound like you really love each other, just extend your circle of love to include his children, and you will do fine!

[stillhopeful]

I thank everyone who took the time to read my post and respond. It's funny, my ex was sooo crazy in love with me when we first met and I was smitten with him but a little hesitant to get serious with him. After knowing each other so well, I NEVER thought he would be the one to torment my heart like this or ever hurt me like this. I never thought I would lose him or that he would leave me. It really teaches me how dangerous complacency is in a relationship. It is just so easy to take your partner for granted and assume they will always be there. I got a little too comfortable in my relationship and let my selfishness come out just one time too many.

 

For now, I am giving him his space since we just spent the last two weeks together. I have been tempted to call him but I think I am going to let him make the first move. I pray he decides to give us one more chance. I'm not sure though as calling off a wedding when tons of money is on the line is no small thing.

 

I hope he calls me soon at least to just say hello. Thanks again for reading and I wish everyone out there the best of luck in either reconciling or moving on!

 

Stillhopeful

[friscodj]

Hey SH-

 

First off, your analysis of what happened is amazing. Have you shared this with him?

 

Have you as well come to any other realizations about the situation and your role in it since you last spoke to him? If you did, I would take action and let him know. I wouldn't leave yourself in limbo indefinitely...