How to start caring less in a relationship

[herewegoagain]

I've been posting off and on about my concerns of my gf of six months. We are both in our mid-upper thirties.

 

Anyway, I've been concerned with some things, and I finally told her everything that was bothering me in our relationship: not spending time together, i feel she doesn't care as much about us as I do, is indifferent, never talks about "us", etc.....

 

I just want to go with the flow, but it is hard for me to do so.

 

But my question is, how can I just stop caring and worrying so much about our relationship?

 

I really do wish I didn't care as much as I do. Is that bad to want to NOT care as much as I do?

 

There is always something in my gut that bothers me about our relationship, whether big or small, and i'm getting sick of it - emotionally and physically drained - which I know is not healthy.

 

Any ideas would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Momene]

This may not be what you want to hear but, to me, it looks like a sign to move on. If a relationship is causing more pain than gain, it's time to go.

 

You might "make it work" by spending more time on friends and hobbies but I don't think that's what you really want.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Do you understand your partner love language, as in how does she show that she care. Some do it through words, some do it through action.

 

If you want to stop caring for the relationship, you just need to keep distant from her. Stop calling her, and don't take care of her even though she is sick. I think that would be cold enough.

 

Anyway, I do hope both of you work things through like the communication skill, sort out both of your expectation out of the relationship and etc before setting yourself to drift apart.

[herewegoagain]

Momene - thanks for your reply - I always appreciate your replies to my posts.

 

I think you may be right, I may have to move on. Or, maybe I can just start a new attitude - more of just have fun, fool around with her, etc..

 

But easier said than done, I'm sure.

[maladjusted]

i just went through exactly what you are talking about. i felt i was giving so much to the relationship while my ex was contributing nothing. i finally got to the point where i was just tired of trying and not seeing anything in return. i know she has issues and i think i was allowing her issues to become mine which wasn't fair to me. how can i expect her to give me what i need when she doesn't even know what she wants. so i ended things with her to focus on myself and to get myself out of that unhappy situation. we can't make someone do what we want them to do but we can sure take control of ourselves and our situations. so as soon as i ended it i felt a big weight lift off since i no longer had to worry about us but only worry more about me.

 

i think in order to stop caring less about the relationship you must start caring more about yourself. start taking more time for yourself. take care and hope this helps.

[RayKay]

If you are in a relationship where you have to make yourself care less to keep from getting hurt - it is NOT a healthy relationship for you.

 

However, if you really do have an unhealthy neediness, you just need to make sure you work on the rest of your life too; as much as the relationship. This means pursuing your passions/hobbies, pursuing new goals, seeing friends, and so on to give you other focuses aside from her all the time.

[herewegoagain]

Maladjusted - thanks so much for your input. Sounds very similar to my situation.

 

But AFTER I told her all those things that were bothering me,she admitted how she needed to change on some of my concerns. Then a week later, she made a very special weekend for us - very special!!! BUT, is she doing this just because of our talk? And how long will this last? I just don't know.

 

I also feel like I have ruined things because now I will always wonder wether or not she really wants to do things with/for me, or is she just doing them because I mentioned my concernns in the first place?

 

For example - I wish she would have did the special weekend BEFORE I mentioned my concerns.

[Meow18]

If she cared as much about your relationship as you do, then you wouldn't feel you have to care less.

 

I really think when a relationship causes you so much worry and stress, then it's not a good healthy relationship.

 

If you have talked to her about this, and it doesn't seem like she's making an effort to talk about the relationship, or seem to want to spend more time together, then maybe this just isn't the relationship for you?

 

You deserve happiness. And this relationship is definitely not making you as happy as you deserve to be.

[herewegoagain]

Meow18 - I think you are right. thing is, I just talked with her about my concerns a week ago. So I guess I should give it some more time.

 

What bothers me is that I wish I didn't have to mention my concerns to her. I wish things would have happened naturally. But I had to let it out - I couldn't hold it in any longer - I had to tell her.

[karvala]

Maladjusted - thanks so much for your input. Sounds very similar to my situation.

 

But AFTER I told her all those things that were bothering me,she admitted how she needed to change on some of my concerns. Then a week later, she made a very special weekend for us - very special!!! BUT, is she doing this just because of our talk? And how long will this last? I just don't know.

 

I also feel like I have ruined things because now I will always wonder wether or not she really wants to do things with/for me, or is she just doing them because I mentioned my concernns in the first place?

 

For example - I wish she would have did the special weekend BEFORE I mentioned my concerns.

 

It's that age-old problem: (a) you feel you need more than she is giving, but how do you get her to want to give more in a genuine way, to meet those needs, without it simply looking like she's following instructions; and (b) are those needs, to that extent, legitimate anyway, or are you wanting too much?

 

There's no simple answer to either, but there are a few useful pointers

 

(1) Guest12345678 actually made a good point about the love language. People show that they care in their way, not in your way. It can be frustrating, and hard to understand, but it's a fact and it's not going to easily change. When I was first with my gf, I sometimes wondered if she cared about me at all because of the way she was at times. It was only through getting to know her better, her particular personality, that I could see the things she did that were her way of showing that she cared, things that took a lot for her to do, and for which she had us, our relationship, in mind. Look to see if your gf is doing anything that might come into this category.

 

(2) Get past the "you're only following my script" mentality as far as possible. Sure, she may well have done the weekend as a result of the talk you had. Does that mean she doesn't care? On the contrary, it means she saw you needed something, and went out of her way, in a way that may have been quite difficult for her, to try to provide it. At best, you can accuse her of simply being different to you.

 

(3) As RayKay rightly says, look at your own needs. I know if I let myself go unchecked, or if I've had a particularly bad time of it and I'm feeling down, I can be a needy individual, and you sound a bit like how I am at those times. There's nothing wrong with having needs and wanting them to be met, but excessive expectations are a surefire way to lead to more disappointment and a downward spiral.

 

(4) Ultimately, you can't make someone care about you, and you certainly can't *tell* someone to care more about you. If you want her to spend more time with you, it's your job to make it worth her while. That's a tough thing to hear when you're in a relationship, and especially if you're with someone relatively independent, but ultimately she got together with you in the first place because she liked how you were, how you are, not because you told her she ought to get together with you. Nothing has changed, it's the still the same deal.

 

I do feel for you, really I do. I've been in that place in the past, and it's not a pretty place to be, but you can get past it, I promise you.

 

You can't make someone else want to be with you. You can only make yourself desirable to be with. If she's the one for you and she loves you, the rest will happen by itself.

[Meow18]

Meow18 - I think you are right. thing is, I just talked with her about my concerns a week ago. So I guess I should give it some more time.

 

What bothers me is that I wish I didn't have to mention my concerns to her. I wish things would have happened naturally. But I had to let it out - I couldn't hold it in any longer - I had to tell her.

 

How she did take what you said? Did she seem to care and seem to want to make the effort? Or was she defensive and didn't think anything was wrong?

 

I think it's great that you told her. A common mistake is NOT telling the other person when something is wrong. Relationships are not perfect. There will be issues and it's so important to talk through them. Issues can't work themselves out, they only get worse if nothing is done about it.

[herewegoagain]

Yes - she definitley cared when I brought things up with her.

[Meow18]

Yes - she definitley cared when I brought things up with her.

 

Then I definitely think you should give it time.

 

If she was defensive and didn't seem to care about your feelings, then I would say it's time to drop her because she obviously isn't willing to put in the effort to make you happy.

 

But if she cared about what you said, then give her a chance to put in that effort.

[HugeHeart]

 

I just want to go with the flow, but it is hard for me to do so.

 

But my question is, how can I just stop caring and worrying so much about our relationship?

 

I really do wish I didn't care as much as I do. Is that bad to want to NOT care as much as I do?

 

There is always something in my gut that bothers me about our relationship, whether big or small, and i'm getting sick of it - emotionally and physically drained - which I know is not healthy.

 

 

I felt the SAME exact way in my relationship that just ended. I really fell for this woman, but she never felt the same way about me.

 

If you feel there is something wrong in your relationship, then chances are there might be. How can you care less? I don't know if you can. (at least I couldn't) Try to find ways to keep yourself distracted (hobby, movies, anything).

 

If she really does care about you, she will let you know.

 

Good Luck.

 

HH

[john of portland]

Hey

 

If you got your special weekend....appreciate it 100 percent and respond in kind....you got what you asked for! Yes!!!! Tell her how much it meant to you...

After 6 months, make sure your long term goals are either clear, or you are both clear that your goals together are not so clear. The " where is this going" can fuzz things up. John