Should I pursue him?

[Aoiumi]

I met a guy over Xmas break. He was in town visiting his family and his mom introduced us. We went out on two dates and he was a complete gentleman--didn't make a move on me. On the third date, at one point he asked what I was thinking and I said that I was dying for him to kiss me. We kissed and he invited me back to his parents' house where we got more intimate. I told him that I couldn't have sex with him although I wanted to (I'm waiting for a serious long-term relationship, preferably marriage). He didn't push too much. I'll admit I was more intimate with this guy than I ever have been before (but I didn't tell him this). We ended up going out on a fourth date (he was only in town for two weeks) and although we did get kind of intimate, we didn't get close to having sex.

 

Anyway, I thought this guy was great and told everyone that I had found a magnificent guy. At one point he told me I should visit him for Spring Break and I was all for this. He says he will call me when he leave but a week goes by and I hear nothing. His mom even asks me if he has called me and I say no. She talks to him and he tells her he thought I was too quiet and uninterested. I'm not sure how much of this I believe--I am can be very quiet (although I think I made quite an effort to talk to him) but he had to know that I liked him (on various occasions, I told him he was cute, kissed his cheek and hugged him, told him he was sexy and said he seemed like a good guy). So, I send him an e-mail telling him I didn't mean to come accross as so quiet and he should give me a chance--he deserves a good woman. I told him I wanted a response and would not be ignored. He responds, he knows I am a good woman but he is getting over his ex (they lived together and she cheated on him) but we should stay in touch. I wrote back that this was a good idea. I've written him a few times since but he hasn't made the effort to initiate contact or ask me questions about what I'm doing.

 

His mom, who is also quiet like me, said she was aggressive when pursuing her husband and did not give up. I felt like this was a really great guy--someone worth going after--but it feels so uncomfortable putting myself out there. I feel like I'm trying to convince him to like me. Should I just stop writing him all together and if he doesn't contact me, just forget about him? Should I share more about myself with him (e.g. why I wouldn't have sex with him, or my dating past?)

 

This is stressing me out. One day I think I should just move on. The next day I think, maybe I am not putting myself out there enough. Maybe I'm not letting him see who I really am (it usually takes me a long time to open up to people).

 

So, I don't know what to do. Any advice? I know I can't make this guy like me. Maybe I am too quiet for him, maybe he's not interested because I don't put out, maybe he is still trying to get over his ex and does not want anything serious, maybe he's just not interested. Is it worth trying? Telling him more about myself when he responds with a few short sentences?

 

I rarely date and haven't ever really had a boyfriend. Should I tell him this?

[Batya33]

first, please don't tell everyone you have found a magnificent guy after only a few dates - first, that sets you up for lots of questions if it doesn't work out and second, you wouldn't know if he was magnificent unless you knew him at least 6 to 9 months - I mean, you've owned pairs of socks longer than you know him!

 

Second, please let it go - don't pursue someone who was nice enough after only a few dates to tell you he is not interested in dating you- he changed his mind, for whatever reason. Telling him you will not be ignored can come accross as clingy and suffocating - he is not obligated to respond to you much less positively.

 

I do not agree that being aggressive when someone has told you he is not interested is a good idea. Whether you were too quiet or not - who knows - it didn't click for him and explaining to him that you are not quiet isn't going to make a difference - he made up his mind that the two of you are not a match. If you want to be less quiet next time you meet someone go right ahead but I am pretty certain he was just making excuses.

 

It's a good idea to take things slow physically when you first meet someone because it sounds like you got attached to him and got your hopes up after only a few dates that he was interested in being in a relationship with you. My guess is he got caught up in the initial smitten stuff but when he got back to school and reality he changed his mind. it happens and please don't take it personally and please be respectful of him and leave him alone. If he changes his mind again, he'll contact you, ok?

[wintersolstice]

I think you should let it go. If he's not e-mailing you he's not interested. What does his mother know? She's just making a fool out of you. I guess you could try talking to him on e-mail, but if he's not into it... drop it. Save yourself the heartache of trying to make him like you... oh and you shouldn't have to explain your personality to him, if anything you should tell the mom she raised a rude and insensitive jerk who lied to you....

[annie24]

hi - sorry, I have to agree with batya. It sounds like this guy is uninterested. I think you've done your part in showing that you are interested (ie, talking to his mom, sending him e-mails, and being intimate with him). So, I think that his "uninterested" line is just baloney. Maybe he thought things over and decided he couldn't do a distance relationship. Maybe you were just a vacation fling? Or maybe he got back together with an ex. In any case, I wouldn't pursue things even more. He knows where to find you if he wants, he can pick up the phone and dial your number, or he can shoot you an e-mail.

 

If you haven't read it, go get the book, 'he's just not that into you.' it's a really good book, funny and to the point. it's mainly common sense, but it is funny. just basically, if he's not calling you or responding to you or asking you out and he's giving you a reason why he doesn't want to see you, he's just not that into you.

 

there's someone better out there for you

 

PS - Absolutely do NOT send him an e-mail explaining why you didn't have sex with him. you only had 4 dates and you barely know him. that's a good enough reason not to have sex right away and I'm sure he knows that.

 

PPS -

 

would not be ignored

 

YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did you watch "Fatal Attraction?" That was the line that glenn close used on micheal douglas right around the time she boiled his daughter's bunny! OMG, don't say that again! If he watched that movie, you've probably scared him half to death by now.

[Aoiumi]

I know I sound a bit psycho, but in my defense, I wanted answers. I have heard of the book "He's just not that into you" and I know all about it. This guy has sent me through a whole range of emotions. I realize how foolish it is to be head over heals for someone after knowing them for two weeks--I knew that at the time--but I was truly surprised to have found someone with so many qualities I was looking for. Some people do claim to know right away when they find the person for them (I'm not saying that was the case here).

 

Regarding the "do not ignore me thing" I basically said in the e-mail "Tell me you aren't interested in me and I will never contact you again, but I want a response and I will pester you until I get one." Almost everyone I talked to said I should leave this guy alone...that something didn't sound right about him...but my intuition was telling me the opposite--that I couldn't pass this up, that I couldn't miss out on another guy because I am too quiet and don't allow people to get to know me. I really thought that he had a lot to offer.

 

I've decided not to contact him anymore--I believe I've done all that I can do. You are right--if he wants to contact me he will. If not, oh well.

 

I wish it didn't hurt so much, but I know I'll get over this. I have about zero experience with guys and only seem to have negative experiences. It does make me not want to date again...

[Batya33]

Your "intuition" sounds more like the needy part of yourself. You don't really deserve "answers" after only a few dates - silence is your answer, silence = non-interest and here he gave you answers - you just don't like them or accept them. It was your choice to get that attached that quickly - it's not his problem that you made that choice nor should he be subjected to being overwhelmed with demanding e-mails or phone calls because you made that choice.

 

The negative experiences have one thing in common - you - and from what you've said, you've chosen to risk getting very attached very quickly. You can make a different choice and that might change your experiences.

[Altruist]

- silence is your answer, silence = non-interest and here he gave you answers - you just don't like them or accept them.

 

Its no always the case. Some shy guys may not respond not because they are uninterested but because they are unsure if the girl likes them. In this case, all that the girl has to do is reassure the guy of her feelings towards him.

Concerning this particular guy, I think he doen't deserve this girl. She has done al that she can to directly express her love for this guy -without any head games. thereforeeee I think she should move on and find a guy who appreciates her.

[Batya33]

Its no always the case. Some shy guys may not respond not because they are uninterested but because they are unsure if the girl likes them. In this case, all that the girl has to do is reassure the guy of her feelings towards him.

Concerning this particular guy, I think he doen't deserve this girl. She has done al that she can to directly express her love for this guy -without any head games. thereforeeee I think she should move on and find a guy who appreciates her.

 

Reassuring to me means being warm and friendly and approachable - if a man is so shy he can't even ask me out for a cup of coffee it means he is not available for a relationship. I believe with few exceptions a man who is sincerely interested in dating a woman and emotionally and otherwise available will ask the woman out on a proper date he plans in advance.

 

I hope she didn't express her "love" for this man - she barely knows him. He did nothing wrong - he responded after a few dates that he had no interest in continuing - but her behavior I believe crossed the line into what was an appropriate and thoughtful response to his expression of no interest.

[Altruist]

Reassuring to me means being warm and friendly and approachable - if a man is so shy he can't even ask me out for a cup of coffee it means he is not available for a relationship.

 

I meant that some men are so painfully shy that they don't have the guts to ask a woman out. Surely that doesn't mean they are 'not available for a relationship'? Such a guy requires a woman who can take the initiative. We'll all seen guys like that seekinghelp on this forum.

[Batya33]

I meant that some men are so painfully shy that they don't have the guts to ask a woman out. Surely that doesn't mean they are 'not available for a relationship'? Such a guy requires a woman who can take the initiative. We'll all seen guys like that seekinghelp on this forum.

 

Extremely shy men have gotten up the courage to ask me out because they were sincerely interested in me. I would not want to date a man who I expressed sincere interest in, who I suggested group activties too, gave him ample chances to ask me out and even then he was 'too scared" to ask me out. I would worry about what else he was "too scared" about if that was the extent of his fears. I'm a social outgoing person, I go to many social and business events and I need someone by my side who appears reasonably confident and reasonably social.

 

I would have no issue with a woman asking an extremely shy man out for the first date, as long as she was willing to continue being the main pursuer throughout and willing to pull teeth while on the date to get him to speak. Sounds pretty painful to me and sounds like the guy - if he wants to date - should do the internal work/get therapy before getting involved in a romantic relationship.

 

For garden variety shy people I have seen many of them ask out a woman if they are sincerely interested and have seen women insist the man was just "too shy" only to watch him ask out the woman they really liked all along. It's extremely rare that a man who is emotionally available for a relationship can't ask a woman out for a cup of coffee where the woman has shown sincere interest (including inviting him out for group activities).

[Alabama]

Putting that aside, Aoiumi I can understand where your coming from. I have had no experience with women, and tend to attach myself to quickly. Yet recently I've found concentrating on other things in life, will get people interested in you, with no effort on your part. It can be tough to get past, but life goes on. I am sure somewhere down the road someone will like you, and it will seem like you have done nothing at all to gain it. I wish you the best of luck in your love life!

[annie24]

I don't think that he is "extremely shy" or even "kind of shy" as they've already gone on several dates and he told her that he's not interested in pursuing things further. Most shy guys aren't shy anymore once they know that the girl is interested in them. This just sounds like he reconsidered things, for whatever reason.

 

I don't think it is wise that you are "pestering" him (to use your words to him). If you know your behavior is pestering, why do you think that would bring out romantic feelings in him? I think that will drive him further away.

 

but, good luck whatever you decide to do.

[Aoiumi]

Putting that aside, Aoiumi I can understand where your coming from. I have had no experience with women, and tend to attach myself to quickly. Yet recently I've found concentrating on other things in life, will get people interested in you, with no effort on your part. It can be tough to get past, but life goes on. I am sure somewhere down the road someone will like you, and it will seem like you have done nothing at all to gain it. I wish you the best of luck in your love life!

 

Thanks a lot! Yeah, I have definitely learned from this experience. I won't be making this mistake again (i.e. getting attached and making my feelings known right away). No way! I will apply the skepticism that I hold toward every other aspect of my life to affairs of the heart also.

[Aoiumi]

I don't think it is wise that you are "pestering" him (to use your words to him). If you know your behavior is pestering, why do you think that would bring out romantic feelings in him? I think that will drive him further away.

 

but, good luck whatever you decide to do.

 

Thanks! No I decided to put no more effort into this...I haven't contacted him in about 2 weeks. I only e-mailed him like 3 times (fairly short e-mails), and I did not call him or anything (so I'm not like some crazy obsessed stalker). I can get over this and move on. Perhaps the solution is accepting the fact that men just don't find my personality particularily attractive (sad but seemingly true).

[Batya33]

It's not about being negative or scepticism. It's about letting someone into your already fulfilling life at a reasonable pace and liking yourself enough so that you are selective in who gets to know you intimately, emotionally and physically. He is one person who decided that he did not want to keep seeing you - no big deal and not reflective of "all men" or "your personality."

[annie24]

Perhaps the solution is accepting the fact that men just don't find my personality particularily attractive (sad but seemingly true).

 

no, don't think like that! it just means that THIS guy wasn't the one for you, but there is a guy out there who is. It might have just been the distance that made him reconsider. I can't do long distance, maybe he is like that also. don't let this get you down, just keep meeting others and keep your options open.

[Aoiumi]

Ok Annie and Batya. I think I'm a fantastic catch but I've only had no luck and bad luck up until this point. Some people seem to find someone so easily while others just don't. Being 25 and having no real experience with guys I think that makes me more prone to mistakes like this. Anyway, after a while you start to wonder if it's just you that has the problem. Maybe there is a guy out there for me but I think I've lost faith in this. I'll just spend some time focusing on myself and making myself a better person...that's about all I can do.

[Batya33]

The issue with this guy was that you moved too fast and had unfair and unrealistic expectations that you burdened him with.

[annie24]

The issue with this guy was that you moved too fast and had unfair and unrealistic expectations that you burdened him with.

 

I would say that this might be a harsh way of looking at it. I mean, I have been there too, where I met a guy and I fell head over heels for him, and just as quickly as it started, it was over. I think we've all been there at some point and it's kind of just a learning experience.

[Batya33]

I meant the latter part - we all have moved too fast but it is acknowledging that the risk is that by moving too fast it will burn out quickly. Here, she seemed to demand that he reply to her emails even after telling her that he was no longer interested. Apparently she can't handle the downside of moving too fast and sought to place unfair obligations on him - unfair in the sense that they had been dating and knew each other only a very short time.