Hear me out

[Fatpot]

A compilation of what's been going through my head lately, don't read if you're in a good mood, thank you for stopping by.

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"Mundane"

By: Fatpot

 

This ticking time bomb in my chest,

Ready to go off and end me at any moment's rest,

Fix it; disable it, anything if I know what's best,

But something is holding me back, putting time to the test.

 

With a plethora of thoughts; nothing to do, but pout,

Listening to the rapid heartbeat makes me want to shout,

Thump, thump, thump, thump, my heart screams: Let me out! Let me out!

Or fix me you piece of filth, get off your * * * and prance about.

 

One thing is certain though; my time is running short,

I can feel that something in me is about to abort,

And make me realize that it's too late to resort,

To a better way of life, missed the healthy port.

 

Making the preparations now for when something happens,

A film of my life, in black and white, with fancy captions,

Setting the procedures, the everyday hole deepens,

Remember how he didn't care as his condition worsened?

 

These cloudy storms of negative thoughts that never dissipate,

Nothing helps to rid of them; distractions only open more floodgates,

Who am I kidding; it's been like this since I was eight,

Acting stupid, carefree, trying to find someone who can relate.

 

Though I've found no one who went through the same thing,

There are people, who tolerate my constant whining,

Supporting me even though they probably feel like screaming,

One day we should scream together drunk and laughing.

 

There was a time when I went crazy for a while,

Wanting to call my friends, but not knowing which numbers to dial,

Instead I went on the computer and opened a file,

With tears streaming down my face, I wrote this with a smile:

 

"I have been reduced to a pile of emotions.

 

I hate life for what it has done to me.

 

I love life for what it has done to me.

 

I want to die.

 

I don’t."

 

If I had a gun I would've used it then,

Again and again and again and again and again,

Not because I wanted to die, but because I wanted it to end,

Begin and flourish in my eternal Zen.

 

Life at home is a funny thing; I got someone who tells me I can be the greatest,

While someone else reminds me that I'm worst than a lower life form, pressing my ego to it's flattest,

Whispering in my ear, mumbling it under his breath, not knowing I hear every word like a typist,

And yet they don't have a hint, not the slightest.

 

My mom once asked me why I've become so distant from the family,

Says I’ve become a different person we used to get along so finely,

That I used to live life with them; our family was healthy,

Hoping I feel great because it's my entire fault, making sure I feel guilty.

 

I'm distant because I can't be around you people anymore,

Hell if I could I'd move away for a while offshore,

Looking at you people reminds me of the summer I never went outdoors,

I can't forget what happened, I'm still that damn sore.

 

Blame me for what happened I don't care,

All I know is that it's been a while since I breathed the free air,

Dreaming in my sleep, waking up to a nightmare,

Every damn day, every damn day, every damn day, my mind is in despair.

 

Remember that morning you wouldn't leave me alone?

I finally snapped; you were shocked, should've known,

Always isolating me from the world making me think I'm on my own,

With your poisonous words attacking at my wounds unsewn.

 

Putting me in a mental state no one in this world should experience,

No one knew what it was like during those few months, sitting there in silence,

Writing and drawing in that little black book, tipping my sanity off balance,

All because of your stupid misconception of my favourite substance.

 

Now things have finally subsided and all is well,

Or is it? Doesn't matter, you can never tell,

One day I'll be gone and next morning they'll ring the doorbell,

We found your son washed up ashore, instant death from where he fell.

 

Every day, every night, every time it gets quiet,

These are the thoughts that I think about,

Though it doesn’t quite make me a poet,

It helps me dodge another bullet.

---------------------------------------------------------------

"..."

By: Fatpot

 

Woke up this saturday afternoon,

Trying to collect my thoughts,

Staring at the same object,

I slip in and out of reality.

 

Woke up late afternoon,

Trying to collect my thoughts,

Staring at the same object,

I put on some music.

 

Don't know what's going on anymore,

Feeling a little lost,

What happened last night?

Guess I blacked out.

 

Or maybe I didn't,

Just don't want to remember,

Things just aren't what they used to be,

No matter how hard I try.

 

This feeling isn't going away,

My head feels numb,

From all these poisonous thoughts,

Maybe I'm not awake.

 

Dreams used to be my place,

The perfect world for me,

But lately I realized,

That they've all become nightmares.

 

Finally got out of bed,

Gave this place the finger,

Hearing my brother's voice,

I don't want to turn out like him.

 

"Oh, but still you're aching for the things you have not got

What went wrong...

And if you can't understand why your world is so dead

And why you've got to keep in style and feed your head

Well, you're twenty-one and still your mother makes your bed

And that's too long..."

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"Repercussion”

By: Fatpot

 

My treasured life reeks like last week's garbage,

Because I left it out for a little while,

But a little while equals three years of my life,

The stench is really starting to get to me now.

 

I can't move very fast with all these crutches,

It's been a little while since I fell off track,

I've forgotten how to walk without these meaningless things,

Baby steps I always say, but it's the time I lack.

 

It used to be great, but now it's just ok,

Ok becomes worse and worse becomes a storm,

I've seen this before; I know what happens next,

The storm knocks me back and then clears away.

 

Given another chance to start over again,

But now I'm farther than I was last time,

Realizing I've lost some things amidst the blast,

The next one might just make me lose it all.

 

Soon crutches won't do, I'll need a wheelchair,

Having someone push me the rest of the way,

But if that's how it's going to be, then let me say,

Dig my grave now; I'm fine with just a little while.

---------------------------------------------------

"For them"

By: Fatpot

 

As I try to recover from the shock,

I can't forget what happened,

Replaying it over and over in my mind,

This will only lead to my demise.

 

Trapped in the past,

Crippled in the present,

Dead in the future.

 

Wondering why I'm still here,

Dreaming of a better world,

Putting on a fake smile,

For them.

 

Now I can only encourage,

Radiate a good vibe,

Let them smile,

Let them be free,

 

From all the worries,

Of this world, of this life,

Even for one moment,

Live for me.

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"Inescapable"

By: Fatpot

 

We cannot win,

They know us best,

Ride it out, they'll soon get tired,

And find some rest.

 

She thinks, she cries,

And pries, pries, pries,

Until she is satisfied,

With your correct answer.

 

Letting you know her worries,

Drilling those concerns into your head,

Respond right and you're safe for now,

Guilt trip to hell for the mentally weak.

 

So you've made it this far,

You think you're in the clear,

Dodge a bullet today,

Fourteen shots to the chest tomorrow.

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"Experience" Pt.1

By: Fatpot

 

When I began,

Set on life's tracks,

Gullible and naive,

Always facing forward.

 

By chance I got knocked off track,

Sifting through the newborn haze,

I walked through a dangerous new land,

A new land called pleasure.

 

As I began my quick descent,

A part of me was slowly dying,

Being replaced with an empty shell,

No point turning back now.

 

So I kept going through the haze, as it got thicker,

Soon realizing I lived for it,

I didn't stop I went faster,

Lost in the land of pleasure.

 

End pt1.

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"It happens"

By: Fatpot

 

Wake up in the morning and I,

Sleep some more,

Toss and turning,

Don't want to get up.

 

Time pulls me out of bed and I,

Frown once,

Sigh twice,

Listen to Captain Jack three times.

 

An hour passes by,

I feed my body,

With tasteless gruel,

Time to go to school.

 

Pull into the parking lot,

Move to designated area,

Drill my brain,

Go home.

 

Daydream,

Daydream some more,

Frown once,

Sigh twice.

 

Attempt sleep,

Not happening,

Toss and turn,

Daydream once more.

---------------------------

[Ellie2006]

Every day, every night, every time it gets quiet,

These are the thoughts that I think about,

Though it doesn’t quite make me a poet,

It helps me dodge another bullet.

 

Hey FP,

May I say: WOW.

You have quite a way with words!

I loved reading all your poems; the raw emotions which they convey are quite powerful.

 

The quoted lines above, I really identified with.

Unfortunately, I do not have a creative bone in me but I feel a similar release of tension everytime I write in my journal. I find the wide expanse of white paper to be very forgiving of whatever I confide upon it ...

 

Thanks for sharing!

 

P.S. Welcome to ENA!

[Daddy Bear]

i heard somewhere once that there are two kinds of writers: those who write about themselves, and those who don't. I admire the former group more.

 

Very good poetry, Fatpot.

[Fatpot]

Thank you for the feedback. Unfortunately, life has forced me to unbottle another piece of writing; maybe it's not life, maybe it's just me. It probably is.

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"Descent"

By: Fatpot

 

As I sit here in the dark,

Room spinning, stomach churning,

Labored breathing,

Shivering in the heat.

 

Eyelids fluttering and struggling to stay open,

Closing the shop, not getting any business,

Stop the advertisements,

People can only tolerate so much trash.

 

Go home, nothing to hold you back there,

It's a struggle to be here right?

Sharing, caring, maybe I'm not clear,

Go back to your hole; get out of our sight.

 

On the ground now,

Head splitting, dead looking.

Fetal position, going back in time,

Not being reborn, ceasing to exist.

 

Moments ago, I lived a little,

Thought by thought though,

I cry a little,

Inside, outside, I die a little.

 

How did it come down to this?

[Ellie2006]

Another great one, FP.

 

My favorite stanza:

 

Moments ago, I lived a little,

Thought by thought though,

I cry a little,

Inside, outside, I die a little.

 

 

One question if I may: why do you consider it an "unfortunate unbottling"?

If I had your writing prowess, I would consider it a "welcomed release"

 

Thanks again for sharing!

[Fatpot]

I consider it an unfortunate unbottling because I only write when I'm feeling really down, I normally can't write these on a whim. Thanks for appreciating them though, puts a smile on my face anyways

 

"I"

By: Fatpot

 

I sit here in silence,

Toying with my conscience,

Ideas shifting between good and bad,

Recalling the best memories I've ever had.

 

I awoke from a bizarre dream,

Thinking to myself, I screamed,

My sanctuary has crumbled,

Whilst my thoughts have toppled.

 

I tried to integrate the two,

But all I saw was darkness undo,

Onto the beloved world I lived in,

Shearing my mind like sheepskin.

 

I can't distinguish them anymore,

They both feel the same, thereforeeee,

Nothing matters to me now,

Live however long my body will allow.

[SoDone]

great collection of emotional verse. thanks for sharing your gift.

[Ellie2006]

I LOVE your latest one, FP.

It's reminiscent of the lyrics of my favorite song.

Thanks for that ...

[Fatpot]

Thanks Ellie, always supporting me, appreciate it.

[Fatpot]

Not even a poem, but had to get it out.

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"Derailed"

By: Fatpot

 

I had a dream last night.

Last night I had a nightmare.

Wondering why reality seemed normal,

Now I know.

My mind had diverted the negative thoughts and desires,

To the place I called home.

 

All this started when I stepped on dog * * * *,

It always starts with the dog * * * *.

The deranged killer saved a special pile,

Luckily, I knew how to float, but even that didn't save me.

I was in a minefield of dog * * * *.

This will not end well.

 

Next thing I know I'm at a shopping mall,

It's always the same damn shopping mall.

Looking for something I can't find,

Jaw's so tight I'm surprised my teeth didn't crack.

It hurt.

Especially the teeth.

 

Sometimes I find home isn't always about me,

Featuring giant robots and stealthy assassins.

I watch countless people die.

Their screams give me headaches.

Their blood smells.

No one survived.

 

I am now a rookie member of some mafia.

For some reason my limb is split in half.

Putting it together knocks me out for a couple seconds.

Someone starts to stitch it up.

It hurts.

I am the paper; they are the hole-punch.

 

My limb is tightly sewn together.

I feel secure, I feel safe now.

I'm at a mafia division party.

I hang out. I have fun.

They offer me a gun.

I use it.

[Fatpot]

"Chronicles of a madman"

By: Fatpot

 

My mind is the ocean.

My body is the island.

My arm is a pelican.

My leg is a pig.

 

Time is my sky.

Thoughts are my world.

Life is my universe.

[Fatpot]

twenty years -09/28/06, Fatpot

 

two decades ago,

we cry, we cry,

two decades today,

we sigh, we sigh,

two decades after,

we die, we die,

 

a life we choose to never live,

we sing and dance till it shovels * * * *,

never letting us walk straight,

a life we choose to never live,

 

twenty years and still a prisoner,

our mind is shot, no will to live,

twenty years and still a prisoner,

we live for the day, blindly in the haze,

 

two decades ago,

we cry, we cry,

two decades today,

we sigh, we sigh,

two decades after,

we die, we die.

[brokenbird]

..........................

[Fatpot]

"Hmm.."

By: Fatpot

 

Rain falls from the sky,

Which is way up there.

 

Rain is made of water,

And water covers the Earth,

Which is way down here.

 

So if the rain falls from the sky,

Who's really up and who's really down?

[Fatpot]

"Huh?"

By: Fatpot

 

People are like plants,

We are attracted to the sunlight.

 

I'm attracted to the sunlight,

But I can't bear to look at it.

 

That's why I'll never be a sunflower.

[Ellie2006]

Hiya FP,

Reading "Hmm..." made me feel quite dizzy

Hope you have a great weekend...

[Fatpot]

"Ducks"

By: Fatpot

 

Tonight as I sat on the docks,

Moments from plunging myself to the bottom,

Two ducks swam my way,

And relieved me of my boredom.

 

Watching them made me think twice,

Maybe this isn't the way to go,

Going without saying goodbye,

Didn't even leave a memo.

 

So I sat there for a while,

Pondering what went wrong,

I'm losing to the depression,

A foe I've been battling all yearlong.

 

Things seem to have changed for the worse,

Feeling like I got on the bad side of luck,

But of course luck doesn't exist,

And I'm sure neither did those ducks.

[Fatpot]

"Spasm"

By: Fatpot

 

Living day by day by day,

DAY, BY DAY, BY DAY.

Wishing all of this could go away,

Without hurting the people around me.

 

Chasing something that never existed in the first place,

Aching, I ache, and I ache some more.

Everything to me is but a peeving eyesore!

 

Loathe this, loathe that, loathe me.

I'm sick of this fraudulent fantasy,

With the fraudulent hope and the fraudulent liberation.

 

Defiling my sanity with your ludicrous words and actions,

Speak no more, do no more, live no more,

Obsession, bitterness, ire, rage!

There will be no closure. NO closure.

[Fatpot]

"Experience" Pt.2

By: Fatpot

 

O misguided soul!

Why did you come this way?

For those who seek pleasure will find it,

But those who find it must keep it,

And those who keep it never leave it.

 

O misguided soul!

Should you have chosen a brighter path?

The future would've become clear,

But now you've wandered into my shade,

Going deeper and deeper, whilst burdening yourself,

With my double-edged blade.

 

O misguided soul!

You've gone too far now,

Pleasure has worn you thin,

Do you have any regrets?

Our time spent together was short,

But at least you may die with a grin.

 

End Pt.2

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[Fatpot]

I have no recollection of making this. I am creeped out. That is all.

 

 

[Fatpot]

"Thoughts"

By: Fatpot

--------------------------------

On this unsettling night,

A seam opens,

Separating what appears to be,

Dream and reality.

 

Knowing what to come doesn't exist,

But feeling it's presense,

I get ready anyways,

For the end is approaching.

--------------------------------

The horrific feeling,

I experienced,

At the corner of my mind,

While I failed to disappear.

 

It's like being struck,

By a bolt of lightning,

Containing life and death,

With many, many bugs.

--------------------------------

Looking at my reflection,

On the brass knob,

I start to wonder,

Paranoia.

 

Perhaps,

I don't look like,

What's in the reflection,

Fear.

 

I understand now,

The reflection isn't me,

It wants me to think it's me,

Anger.

--------------------------------

[Fatpot]

"Licking the ground"

By: Fatpot

 

Sitting on death and decay called stone,

I escorted Lady Spice to her beautiful throne,

Moments away from consuming her gaseous remain,

It started to sprinkle, drizzle, into a pouring rain.

 

Grinning like a madman embracing death row,

My day went from terrible to so-

So, I leave this piece incomplete,

As I have collapsed on the solid concrete.

[Fatpot]

"Just another day"

By: Fatpot

 

Sitting in this little room of mine,

I start to ponder and drift off baseline,

Whilst listening to this calming tune,

I prance about on my mind's little moon.

 

Opening the week with a mild lift,

Head numb, thoughts adrift,

The sun still shining outside,

Collapsing on the ground glass-eyed.

 

The heart pumps faster and faster,

Everything turns blacker and blacker,

Thinking my last thought before I'm out,

It's just another day for this burnout.

[Ellie2006]

^ Love your latest.

 

Esp. the line about "prancing about on [your] mind's little moon" was brilliant, I thought.

 

I'm holding onto that image; hope you do too.

[Fatpot]

Thanks Ellie as always...

 

"Just maybe"

By: Fatpot

 

Even though our world has shattered,

And we're back to reality,

The time we spent together will always be treasured,

Long past age one twenty.

 

To think that was only a couple of hours,

Seemed like a lifetime to me,

Because that world was ours,

And in our memories it'll forever be.

 

It's times like those that keep me alive,

Giving me the strength to survive,

Death can wait to take its toll,

Because I'm lettin the good times roll.