Ashamed of my Father

[BrokenHeartGirl]

I'm 23 years old, i go to college away from home. I am very ashamed of my father and have been for years. which is why I wanted to get away from home. He started verbally abusing me, my sisters and my Mom when I was 11. When i was 11 he used to throw me out of the house and i used to be on the street...Then my mother threw him out one day... He has some health issues while he was gone, massive heart attack,cancer etc.

My mother took him back when i was 14. He wasnt able to work and just sat in a chair all day watching tv or laying in bed. I was always at my boyfriends house or friends house. I was never home because I never wanted to see him, he gave me a creepy feeling.. He is old- 73. hes hard of hearing. I'm very ashamed of him, i have not invited any of my friends over because im so ashamed. Also when people call my house, he answers and he makes them repeat about 5 times what their saying cause he can't hear.

He also is not able to go anywhere because he cant walk and refuses to go into a wheelchair. One time we went out for my birthday to a fancy restaurant and he got crumbs all over himself and dandruff was all over his jacket. He also doesn't cut his nails and their very long.

My mother is 10 years younger than him and a normal person who is active and working. I invited my new boyfriend over for dinner cause he wanted to meet my parents. I was embarrased. i didn't say anything about my father but he told me he feels bad for my mother because she like a "nursing maid". That really hurt, i felt my self esteem go down so low.

I told my mother about how i feel and she said i should just tell people hes my grandfather.

I suffered from depression my whole life because of him. How am I supposed to deal with him?

Also I feel everyone in my family looks down on us because of him. I feel like I have no self-esteem when I'm around them.

 

I think he should be in a nursing home not living with my mom. She has no relationship with him other than taking care of him. She has no friends because shes ashamed for anyone to see him.

[DN]

Other than the fact he was verbally abusive I have to say I feel sorry for him. He's sick and deaf and his family is ashamed of him. He knows he will die, probably soon, and that everyone around him will be glad and relieved when he does.

[charley]

Other than the fact he was verbally abusive I have to say I feel sorry for him. He's sick and deaf and his family is ashamed of him. He knows he will die, probably soon, and that everyone around him will be glad and relieved when he does.

 

Ya. I agree with DN. It's time for the original poster to let by gones from many years ago go.

 

Have some compassion for him.

 

You have no right to expect to receive compassion from others in life, if you don't give it.

[BrokenHeartGirl]

He tells me hes going to die next probably. I just dont think someone my age should be going through this. I have cousins who are in their 40s and their parents are younger than him and normal.

 

I feel bad for him but how am supposed to have a father like that and not feel weird and ashamed?

Everyone including my family looks at me with pity. I dont know anyone who is in this situation.

[charley]

There are local resources, such as CAP in most areas, and others that would help your mom and dad by sending a caregiver and house cleaner to their home. That would be a major help to your mother and father.

 

Instead of thinking of yourself and how his illness affects you, which is disgustingly selfish, why not be a good person and look for ways to help. Start with the phone book and look for assistance for the elderly. The assistance provided through CAP, and some others, is free, or low cost, according to what your parents can afford. If your parents have money, there are also private companies that provide that help.

 

Stop thinking of yourself, and start thinking and caring about your family and looking for ways to help. When you help them (your mom and dad), that will also help you.

[charley]

There are also councelors for elderly needs who would councel you, your mother, and your father regarding available sources of assistance and how to better deal with this. Contact your state ombudsman for the elderly in your area. You can get the ombudsman's phone number from any nursing home or care facility anywhere in the USA because the law requires that to be posted. They'd also know at the front desk.

 

You might be able to get the Ombudsman's number from your local phone book. Either in white pages, or in government pages for your state.

 

The Ombudman will know the ropes better than anyone and his or her counceling is free. They can and will help. Same with CAP. You could also contact AARP and they might offer some assistance.

 

Even though you don't realize it, part of your shame is because you've been acting shamefully with your attitude and actions. If you start being an adult and helping, you'll be able to take some pride from that and feel better.

 

I helped my grandmother years ago and I'm glad I did because I feel pride in that ever since. If I had not helped her, I'd feel shame the rest of my life over it.

 

Solutions are available. You can help, if you put your mind to helping instead of complaining.

[BrokenHeartGirl]

Well my mother has told me in the past she can take care of him, hes not disabled or senile. Hes able to cook for himself. He just sits around all day and is unable to go out.

I know maybe it sounds like I'm being selfish. But when i have invited friends over they have told me how "creepy" he is, or he reminds them of grandpa al from The Monsters tv shows. It takes my self-esteem down to 0.

I have had my jobs call me in the past, he answered. They told me "who was that weirdo that old man thats hard of hearing"?

I dont suppose anyone can understand unless you've been in the situation..

he refuses help of any kind btw.

we tried to get him to go to counseling and he refuses it.

I dont appreciate people telling me to get over myself. I am being honest and was looking for some advice. I never told this to anyone.

[charley]

The most important thing here is that this situation has the potential to be substantially improved if she will help locate resources for help and assistance for her mother and father.

 

That is your solution right there. Go to it.

 

I meant counceling about how to obtain help with caregiving, and maybe financial help. I wasn't referring to psych counceling, though that might be helpful too. You mom doesn't have to do all this by herself.

[charley]

I think I do understand very well since I was a semi-invalid for 7 years due to severe injuries, plus those injuries set off a case of severe arthritis in injured areas. I couldn't go out much or often during those years. During that time, many of the things you desribed about your father would have described me to. This was when I was age 25 to 32.

 

I don't ever remember my mom, dad, or sister behaving or acting as you do. Though it couldn't have been easy for my sister. She always introduced me to her friends and her BF. If they didn't like it, or couldn't deal with it, then they could take a hike because I was her brother. However, none of her friends or her BF (later husband) ever showed me any prejudice.

 

So I think I can understand very well since I've walked 7 years in your father's shoes and my sister in your shoes for 7 years.

 

Then I got lucky because a new miracle drug was invented that nearly cures the arthritis. I've been reasonably healthy (with some exceptions) since I was 33. Then the injuries could do a lot of healing too. So now I'm only mildly handicapped and most people don't notice or realized that I'm slightly handicapped because it's now so well under control. I also try my best to hide it because I know there are bigots out there like you and your friends.

 

In this thread I've been very tolerant of you, considering I know, or very nearly know, what things must be like for your father. I also have a very good idea how things are for your mother because I've taken care of my grandmother in the past.

 

I don't want to be overly harsh to you because I think you have the potential to become a good person and help your parents. However, you cannot tell me I don't understand because I very well understand because I had personally been in both your mother and fathers shoes for many years in the prior decade. Thankfully, things are much better for me now.

[GalaxyC]

He refuses help because he is in denial about his situation. He's probably extremely depressed that he's lost the ability to function normally an dmore than likely gets frustrated. It's extremely difficult for someone to handle when they become also an invalid. Please remember he has lived an active life until all thi san dto have it just stopped is a heart breaking thing. It's alos more than likely that he notices (because his brain isn't diminished) that you are all ashamed of hom and wish he wasn't there. You are being selfish in your actions. Everyone is verbally abusive. I know my father is sometimes (heck I even moved 300 miles away because he made me) but if he got ill I would do all in my power to help him. You should be helping your mother out with him. He isn't brain damaged. He can still talk, ect. He knos what you are thinking and he can probably see the looks you give when around him. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh to you but I've seen the other side....elderly people who's family have abandoned them. It's awful. Now is the time to make your peace with him.

[Hope75]

I read your post and I feel sorry for your dad too.

 

I do not condone that he was verbally abusive in the past, but it sounds like your mother threw him out and when he came back she chose to forgive him and you don't mention any more verbal abuse since that time.

 

My guess is that with all his health problems your dad is probably pretty depressed, which might be why he sits around all day and refuses any type of help. I suspect he knows you feel disdain for him too and I feel sad for both of you.

 

This is your dad. He's older, he's frail, and he's the only dad you are ever going to have. I wonder if maybe you made more of an effort to be caring towards him and friendly that he might reciprocate and make more of an effort himself.

 

My dad has had alot of major health problems in the last few years and he's getting up there too. This made me realize that I need to make the most of the time we have together and we are closer now than we were before, I talk to him on the phone several times a week and it's really nice.

 

I understand that you are upset, but try and see where your dad is coming from too. It must feel awful to be that sick and to know your family might be relieved, as DN said, when you are gone. Doesn't do much for your motivation to make the most of the time you have left, does it?

 

It's a big step to go first and make that effort, but I suspect you might feel better about yourself and your relationship with him if you gave it a try.

 

What do you have to lose?

[charley]

Also, do it for your mother.

[sweetheart21]

I dont suppose anyone can understand unless you've been in the situation..

Exactly!! I really disagree with the other posts. I myself have an abusive father and it really does affect you VERY badly. I dont think you are wrong at all for feeling this way. I also feel sorry for your mum because she deserves to have friends and not be ashamed. Have you spoken to your mother about putting him in a nursing home? I have volunteered in nursing homes and they are not bad places. You can still visit him if you like and he will be well looked after.

[DN]

Exactly!! I really disagree with the other posts. I myself have an abusive father and it really does affect you VERY badly. I dont think you are wrong at all for feeling this way. I also feel sorry for your mum because she deserves to have friends and not be ashamed. Have you spoken to your mother about putting him in a nursing home? I have volunteered in nursing homes and they are not bad places. You can still visit him if you like and he will be well looked after.

My wife works in a nursing home and I would not put a relative of mine is such a place unless there was no other option.

[Hope75]

Her father is not helpless- he's still able to care for himself, and I'm not sure what nursing homes are like in OZ but they are not the best places here in the US.

 

They cannot "put" him in a nursing home without his consent unless he is mentally unable to make that choice for himself and physically unable to care for himself and is considered a danger to himself. And that is not the case here.

 

Her mom made a choice to forgive her dad and she took him back, and the OP has not mentioned any further verbal abuse. She's an adult now and does not have to live under the same roof with him if she doesn't want to. To me it seems that if she's so embarrassed by him and does not want to at least try to form a healthy relationship by him, she can leave and get her own place. 23 is plenty old enough to be out on her own.

[sweetheart21]

Oh sorry... maybe they are better over here. I didnt realise.

[charley]

In home caregivers are available to help with grooming, medical, house keeping, etc.

 

Also, assisted living facilities are a decent alternative and are halfway between an apartment and a nursing home.

 

I think her father sounds like a candidate for either in home care, or living in an assisted living facility.

 

My father owns two assisted living facilities and I can tell you they are much nicer for the residents than a nursing home. However, if the person needs more care than the medical staff and caregivers can provide at an assisted living facility, then nursing home is next stop.

 

I lived in an assisted living facility for 3 years after my neck was broken. They're decent places. That's long past now and thankfully I'm doing much better now and live independently and have a normal life (aside from the lung infection I recently had that lasted 2 months) and work and all. (No, I'm not paralysed.)

[Hope75]

The thing of it is, as a competant adult, no one is going to be able to "put" him anywhere he doesn't want to go.

 

The OP is 23 years old. If she is unhappy at home and embarrassed by her father and unwilling to consider any alternatives to her current relationship with him and feelings towards him-- she should move out.

 

Then she won't be upset about a hearing impaired person confusing her callers.

[charley]

You are right of course ^ and I wasn't advocating forcing him to do anything. I do think it might be helpful if options were presented to him and his wife.

 

If his wife can't handle it, she might have to just say, "I can't handle it anymore. I can't do it anymore. Choose an option because I'm not going to do it anymore."

 

In which case, he'd have to make some decisions, which he could if he had the options presented to him.

[Siriana]

Well I have a slightly different idea than the rest of the posters.

 

Your mother decided to get back together with him when you were 14, and we can't judge her for doing so. It was her own decision, her own life and now she sticks to that and helps your father.

 

I think she's doing the right thing here. When she got back together with him, it meant she will help him when he gets sick and old. If you make a choice to get married than and to stay in marrage than this is something you should be prepared to do.

 

Apparently your dad is not 100% candidate for the nursing home, and I don't blame her for not being able to put him there. If he was senile and in need of daycare for 24 hours that would be different, but right now he's only (and that is exhausting, I know) depressed, stubborn, and with not such a good hearing old man.

 

I am shure she would pack his things once more in the history if he decided to be abusive again, but since you didn't wrote he is, looks like he learned a lesson back than.

 

Now this is the deal your mom made, and since it's her life you can do nothing about it.

 

In ideal world you should help your mother and stick to your dad as well as be able to forget the old verbal abusive past.

Since you feel he wasn't there for you when you were little, you don't feel the need to be here for him now.

unfortunately we can't be perfect all the time, and sometimes we just don't want to forgive some things from the past.

 

So your mom is good and alive and she can take care of him.

You don't have to.

 

If you feel you don't like living there and helping I suggest you to move out. At 23 you're old enough to do that.

I know I would do that. I am not a perfect person, and that would be my choice.

 

I strongly advice you to stop being ashamed of your father (to work on that, there's no magic wand). Thats the only thing I find really disturbing in your post.

 

Being ashamed of your father is not your father fault. It's the way you react to past that happened.

 

At 23 you need to have more self confidence.

 

Your employers, your friends, people you just know...they are looking at your life like it's a reality show.

People like to look at other peoples lifes - that gives them the proof how noboady is perfect, how everyboady have something bad in their lifes. They're doing that from the very same resons why people watch soap operas and reality shows.

So be aware that noboady is perfect and that the grass always looks greener in your neighbours yard.

 

You have your family and your past. No one is qualified to ask you who's that old guy sitting in your livingroom, who's the weirdo answering the phone, or to be disgusted with your father. People who do that are not your firends.

[lovecrazy]

He tells me hes going to die next probably. I just dont think someone my age should be going through this. I have cousins who are in their 40s and their parents are younger than him and normal.

 

I feel bad for him but how am supposed to have a father like that and not feel weird and ashamed?

Everyone including my family looks at me with pity. I dont know anyone who is in this situation.

 

 

 

You know my father chose a life of the "partying style" He had 10 wives over his period, and had 4 kids of 3 of the women.

 

My parents were married for about 13 years, When I about 6 years old, they separated. It was right before my 8th Birthday, he called the house, to speak with my mother. I asked her to speak with him. I asked him "Daddy, are you coming to my birthday party?" His response "NO I cant." So I hung up the phone and walked away. For years I would think, why wasnt I good enough for him to treat me right, for him to want to spend time with me?? WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH??

 

I struggled with depression from the time of his death (I was 10, when he passed) til I was about 17. I have gone through 3-4 counselors. To realize that I am worth something. He was just a selfish jerk who didnt see it himself. Granted there were times that he was a father, but more times not.

 

I know you hate the fact that your father verbally abused you. I was emotionally neglected.

 

I am gonig to reference something I learned. God invented forgiveness for a reason. Not sure if you believe in God or not but its good lesson to learn.

 

I forgave my father for the things he didnt do, and I feel so much better now than I did 6 years ago. I am 23 years old now.

 

Being ashamed of your father is not a good thing. Every girl wants to dream of being "Daddys little girl" well sometimes it doesnt happen like that. But forgive your father, and dont be ashamed, he is a sick man, and needs help. Become his friend, and like him. Maybe one day even love him.

 

I can tell you this much, no matter how much you hate or dislike him. The day that he dies, you will remember everything about. The clothes you wore, the expression on your mothers face when she tells you. Then that night while laying in bed, considering if you will cry or not, you loved him because he was your father. But it will drive you nuts, that you never knew him. That he never took the time to know you...

 

Rather or not you want to admit it, your father plays a big roll in your life. You are scared to be around him, ashamed/scared. Its the same thing, when you break it down.

 

Let go of the nightmare now, and forgive him for his past. He is paying for it more than you will ever know. Being deaf, and sick with cancer. And DYING...is the worst punishment a human being can go through.

 

Life is worth living, dont let something like this control you. Which he has a big role in your life.

 

I encourage you to go up to your father and say "Dad I forgive you for everything, I love you."

 

And walk away. If he is going to die, let him die in peace.

 

If someone were mad at me, for things I did. I would want to die in peace, and not have that up in the air the rest of the other person's lilfe.

 

Do the right thing here, and forgive, and forget.