im new, and confused

[MissLissa]

Hello all,I am new to this forum. I am hoping that i can stay for a while

Alright let me start off by saying that i am engaged to be married. We have been together for 3 years now, and we have 21 month old son. The reasonw why i decided to even try and find a forum like this isbecuae i dont know how i feel about him anymore. Things are differnt now with us. And i hate even typing this out because typing it out and saying it to anyone means im actually admitting it, and i dont want to do that. But i need help and advice. I love him, i really do, but for the past year it seems like our passion, is not there anymore. Our son sleeps with us at night, and i know this has a huge impact on our relationship. Doing anything intimate, can only been done on the couch or somehwere else, because my son naps and sleeps on our bed. Its awful, so i am working out getting him out of there, but in the mean time we need to be alone for a night. I keep asking him to get his mother to watch our son over night, but he never bothers to ask her. We NEED this night. I dont want to go to counseling, because then ill be admitting to him that i think we are losing love, and i dont want to do that to him. I dont want him to think i dont love him or to put in his head that we shouldnt be togehter. I dont know if that makes sense.

 

Basically what im saying is that i want to work on things. I want us to be together for ever. I really do, and i dont know whats wrong with me to even be thinking these thoughts.

 

thank you for listening. As much as it hurt to get this out, i know feel relief.

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA MissLissa! Great to have you here...

 

Well, one of the problems I see here is relatively easy to solve and the other is a little more difficult.

 

I think you should find yourselves a babysitter and one night a week set aside a romantic evening just for yourselves. This may not be an easy change for your son, but when you say you feel you NEED this night, some sacrifices like this will have to be made. Perhaps to start you could have the babysitter come to your house while you guys go out and maybe stay at a nice hotel or bed-and-breakfast. Then maybe you could work on staying home or maybe having your son sleep in a different room at least one night a week.

 

As far as your deeper issues, I wholeheartedly think you need to proverbially "nip this in the bud" before it gets out of control. You need to face this issue because it is real. Denial will do you no good. It will be difficult, it will be uncomfortable, but I think it is necessary to talk about how you are feeling. You need to admit this to yourself and then to your husband. You have taken the first step by coming here and posting.

 

You want to work on things so do it. Hiding from the issues won't get you anywhere but further away from where you want to be. Start with some intimate evenings and see if things change for you. Go from there. This thing is far from done at this point but if you keep denying things, the end will creep up on you.

[anydaynow]

How is your relationship otherwise? How is he feeling about the relationship? Does he know that something is amiss with you?

 

I assume when you say you need the night, you mean nighttime, like, when people typically sleep, so you and your husband can be alone and intimate together, not just an evening out. A date night, like friscodj suggested, is also a good idea, but you've got to get your son out of your bed, I think.

 

I think you should go cold turkey with getting your 21 month old in his own bed. I'm not a parent, but from what I've seen, you'll have about a week of really hard nights. But one week or even two weeks of hard nights for your son is nothing compared to what years of him in your bed will do to your relationship with your fiance. And if you don't stop now, when will it stop? I know a couple couples that had their kids in bed with them as babies and toddlers, and now the kids are 5 and it hasn't stopped. It's easier to do it now than in two or three years, I'd guess. Getting a babysitter at night, like his mom, might help temporarily, but it won't solve the problem. Plus, you have already thought of that, and he hasn't bothered getting his mom over to help. Getting a babysitter to give yourself private time overnight is only a temporary fix, not a real solution. It is like taking medicine to stop a symptom, but not cure the reason for the symptom.

 

By posting here, you are facing the issue, and that is a good thing. Since you aren't really up for counseling at this point, I think it would be okay to admit to your fiance that you'd like more private time together. It isn't saying anything is wrong, it's just saying that you'd like more. Don't think of it as losing love, think of it as regaining intimacy. There's nothing wrong with expressing your needs in a relationship. He will probably wholeheartedly agree, assuming he is feeling okay about the relationship. It's just the same as a couple who have too much time in bed, and one person saying, "we should do different activities, I don't want our relationship to be based purely on sex." For you, it's "I don't want our relationship to be based solely on our son." Think about it, when you exchange vows, you will promising yourself to him, not each other to your son. Not to make it sound like your son isn't important, he is. But ensuring that your relationship with your husband-to-be is strong and healthy will really benefit your son. Multiple studies have shown that children coming from happy marriages fare better than those who do not.

 

Some other posts at ENA have prompted me to pick up some reading on healthy marriages as, uh, pre-marital homework. I'm reading a really good book right now by John Gottman, Seven Principles for Making Marriage work. My boyfriend (no, we are not engaged yet, but this is your thread, so we won't get into it...) and I are reading it together, and I think it will help us build a strong foundation for a lasting, loving marriage. We both think we have a really good relationship as it is, but we want to be able to take anything that comes at us as a couple and come out on the other side together. We figure, if we can be stronger as a couple, why not? Anyway, I highly recommend the book so far.

 

Okay, so in summary, I think you should:

1) Tell your fiance you'd like things to change a little for the better, and do this by

2) Getting your son in his own bed ASAP.

 

 

and if 1 & 2 don't fix things, or if you have time or he is willing to anyway:

3) Read the book I suggested, or one of your own choosing, to help strengthen your relationship. If he isn't willing to, you can also do this on your own.

 

Good luck, and let us know how it works!

[Bethany]

Why don't you ask his mother yourself? If you feel awkward, say you think that HE needs the rest, you've planned a surprise or something similar.

 

And I agree with you wholeheartedly that your child needs to be out of your bed.

 

What works well is.... Bath, bed, story and walk away. If he gets up say it's bedtime sweetheart and put him back in bed, if he gets up again, say NOTHING, just lead him back to bed, repeat this as many times as it takes.

If you do keep this up, with no talking after the first time, within 2 weeks he should sleeping in his own bed with no more problems. However hard it may be, especially in the beginning, it's sooo worth it, I promise. Good Luck.

[anydaynow]

What works well is.... Bath, bed, story and walk away. If he gets up say it's bedtime sweetheart and put him back in bed, if he gets up again, say NOTHING, just lead him back to bed, repeat this as many times as it takes.

If you do keep this up, with no talking after the first time, within 2 weeks he should sleeping in his own bed with no more problems. However hard it may be, especially in the beginning, it's sooo worth it, I promise. Good Luck.

 

I've seen this technique on a TV show called Supernanny. It's a good show, and Jo Frost seems to have solid techniques and tips. She does the exact same thing. No bargaining or negotiating (I need water/milk/etc)- Nothing but "bedtime" the first time the kid gets out of bed. She even tells the parents not to make eye contact, let alone say anything to the kid after the 2nd time out of bed! Again, I'm not a parent, and it is TV, but it seems like it should work.

 

On the show, I've seen this technique take over 2 hours (of the kid getting up and the parent putting them back in bed) the first time around, but the next night is 45 minutes and the next is 20.

[MissLissa]

Well We have moved to our new place this past weekend. And moving here was suppsoed to be the start of getting the little one to his own bed, but unfortunetly some pipes have burst in this place and its freezing, so we have been staying once again in bed together. Df doesnt mind that at all, he understands until the landlord gets the pipes fixed this week.

But him and I have been gettign along better. We still haven had that night, and He hasnt asked his mother yet. I can ask his mom, you are right Bethany and I plan on doing that tomorrow. She just lost her job, so she has weekdays free now as well lol. SO i will be asking her. I dont even care we have to pay her to watch him. Lol.

 

I still havent spoken to df about how i am feeling, I havent been feeling down like i was the other day about it. I can still feel that the passion is missing, but we have been doing OK witht that this past week. Im still very scared one of these days he is going to say the same things i am feeling to me. I know he can feel it to in a way. I can see it in the way he acts sometimes. He is a great guy, shows he loves me, does anything for me. but in some ways it just seems like he is with me becaue he is comfortable. Im not sure if i should wait it out and see what happens in the future, see if the problem gets worse.

 

 

friscodj I would like to just nip it in the bud, but what if I tel him how i feel and we try working on things, and he just thinks that i am pretending to feel better about us just to be with him and not leave? I dont want to tell him and hear him say "i agree" or "Yea i dont think we are meant to be" something along those lines, thats what im afraid of.

[friscodj]

Hey MissLissa-

 

Well, I am glad to hear there is some forward progress being made here. Resolution here isn't going to come out of a hat like a rabbit, all of a sudden and completely, it will take time and take baby steps to get to better places I think.

 

I understand your fears completely. Bringing this up and facing the "what ifs" you mention could be perceived as risky if you don't look ahead here. What might happen if you don't start facing up to a truth of the relationship? Is living like you are living better than the possibility of making improvements?

 

I guess this comes down to how much you believe in your husband, believe in his devotion to you and the relationship, believe in what you truly have together, and what level of fulfillment you'd be comfortable living with in this situation.

 

On top of that, could you live with the question in the back of your mind, day after day, "Is this the day he's going to bring up what we've both been avoiding for all this time?"

[MissLissa]

You are right. I dont want to live with that fear the rest of my life. I woul rather get it done and over with, but i need to believe in myself first and go through with it.

I guess i dont want to leave him for the reason of being aone. I know i am extremely comfortable with him, and he does not care about whether or noti still have some baby weight left on me, or anything. . He has told me many times in the past though that my personality has changed since when we first met, that im not layed back anymore and i take everything serisouly and dont have fun anymore. Which is true, since having a kid, im more cautious to things i do. I see where he is coming from there, and i have been trying t change that. trying to get back to the way it used to be when we first met, when things were great.

 

Coming to this forum though has helped though. And i appreciate it. Even though im still scared and need to keep telling myself i need to do the right thing. Thanks for your advice

[friscodj]

Hey ML-

 

It sounds like you are gaining clarity in this. I would also like to add a few thoughts for if/when you have this talk with him.

 

In my experience, it helps to address issues you think the other person might be having before they do. This seems to make more of a connection with the situation and the underlying issues. It also demonstrates forethought and true concern for making the situation better, which tends to be contagious...

 

Also in talks like this, I've found it best to provide some ideas for solutions rather than just presenting a laundry list of problems that can quickly become overwhelming and subsequently de-motivating.

 

And above all, realize you are in the process of discovering an already established truth here and that this process will take time. This talk is one step in an expedition towards reaching resolution with issues that already exist. So there's no need to think of this talk and the process of discovery as contributing to the issues or making anything worse, because "anything" is already there, it is just being avoided it sounds. This might take some of the fear and pressure away here.

 

At any rate, I sincerely wish you and your family the best here. Keep us posted!

[cranbers]

I assume you are just talking sexually you are mssing him? I mean having a child will always do that especially if they are sleeping in the bed with you two. Me and my wife sleep/slept in different beds for several years do to my snoring. We quite literally don't have a sex life.

 

If he doesn't want it, then well it sounds like he may not be so interested anymore. Naturally a 21 month old sleeping in yoru bed would ruin the idea for any man. So yeah getting him out of there would be a great thing.

 

I have a 26 months old and he likes to sleep with one of us as well. That can be a tough situation.

[ghost69]

it seems in your first post, getting married, having a kid, not being alone together was just building up in you. and now that you have some responses, calmed down, realized that other people feel this way, your typing has changed indefinitely. this is good. i do this once in a while. i always think, am i supposed to be with this girl, we spend too much time together, blah blah. it builds up sometimes and makes you just want to explode. you need to communicate, think of some ideas. i understand the kid puts a damper on a lot, if not everything. i don't have any kids myself, but all of my friends do. they can't do jack anymore. but they all have healthy relationships and do get away once in a while. one of my friends complains all the time, he never gets to go out, always about the kid, etc. but he loves his girl so much. it's admirable. he stays with her through thick and thin. he takes care of his kid as much as possible. he gets built up when we go out and drink. he is completely fine after. i listen to his complaints and then they are gone. i think this is what happened here. you got a bit built up and just needed to vent. this site will help you. we are here to assist. after you have your night out alone together you will be okay. the spark/passion will be there. it's hard to see it at this time with so much going on.

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[MissLissa]

yes its true ghost, i let all my feelings build up inside of me for so long wiht out telling anyone. It felt soo good to let it out on here. Helped me out alot.

 

I appreciate everyones replies.

[ghost69]

well, we are here to help. glad you feel better. hope everything is gong a bit better since last week.

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