Why do dumpers hold on?

[Nick_t]

My ex and I are a funny couple -

 

We split up early August 06. Stayed in contact a for a bit, I made a few basic errors trying to persuade her to change her mind, I work at the uni she goes to so we saw each other quite a lot. It was very difficult. Then there was a stage when we were getting on like a house on fire again, she then got a bit freaked out (don't know why, apparently people thought we were getting back together) and flipped one night. So I decided to stop contacting her. 2 months nearly went by without us seeing eachother or speaking to eachother, apart from the odd text or brief encounter. This included the xmas holidays.

 

Then out of the blue she made brief contact by writing on my facebook page. I replied and again she suggested we had a catch up. So over the last 2 weeks we have seen quite alot of eachother and hungout quite a bit. She's started part-time work were I work, and when she does work we e-mail eachother all day, and she asks if we can go to lunch together etc. She has said things such as how good i've been to her recently and how lucky she is to still have me in her life.

 

Yet - i get the feeling on her part that this isn't just a 'I see him as a good friend' there's more to it. Yet I also know she wants to date other blokes if she gets the chance. If I wasn't a special friend then she wouldn't do half the stuff she does. Yesterday I was having lunch with some friends and she came up to me to ask if she could borrow some money to get some lunch. She said she wanted to see if I was free but I wasn't. Then after lunch she followed me into the campus shop, I pretended that I did not see her so she saw me and said 'Oi Oi' and then asked what I was up to.

 

So the question I am asking is:

 

It seems to me she is confused, she holds on to me as that security blanket, when she is feeling down, or she is trying to persuade herself that she is over me by seeing what else is out there. But still is starting to initiate contact with me even more than in the past.

 

I wish I could read her mind!! She does still love me to bits (not sure in which way) but I know if I walked out of her life now she would be distraught.

 

She has said she never wants to lose me, that I am the nicest person she will ever know, that she is lucky to still have me, that I am the person who knows her the best etc... and when we have convosations with others (esp recently) and they comment on something about me she always steps in and agrees or adds something (as if to say I know him better than you).

 

Just me thinking out loud - I know its not signs of I want him back, but anyone out there (dumpers esp) who can enlighten on this?? Thanks

[Biffy]

Nick, you answered your own question.

 

She's using you as an emotional tampon and you're letting her.

 

You think that hanging around and being receptive to her that you will remind her just how lovely you are and eventually she will realise her mistake and come back to you... Doesn't happen dude.

 

I suggest you come clean, tell her you have feeling for her - give it one more shot to reconcile with her and if she says no then politely ask her to not contact you again unless she changes her mind but that you will not be waiting for her.

 

By the sounds of it she will kick up a bit of a fuss and then disrespect your wishes and still try anc contact you... like me ex does.

 

Do not cave Nick.... or we'll have to call you Nick Cave.... see what I did there??

[papalazarou]

Do not cave Nick.... or we'll have to call you Nick Cave.... see what I did there??

 

Very good. Lets hope his ex does not plant any "bad seeds".......

[tamara78]

Hi Nick,

 

I went through the same thing as you - my ex said I was the most wonderful person he had ever met, his best friend, someone who knew him best and whom he trusted the most and needed in his life. He broke up with me because he wanted to play the field but wanted to stay friends - well, the "friends" turned into us breaking up and getting back together a few times and me thinking that we were the loves of each other lives. In the end, he broke up with me cold heartedly saying he'd met someone else. I felt so betrayed - I have done so much for this guy and given him so much love. Don't hang around - she is keeping you there until she finds someone else and then she'll drop you like a hot potato. Tell her you care and then disappear - its the best you can do, for your sake and hers - you will heal and she will get to see what life without you is like. You need to put a distance between yourselves because it is her who has to realise she WANTS to be with you. Anything less than that is no good. Make her feel the consequences of breaking up with the wonderful person that you are - it may take her years to see what a fool she's been, but trust me, she will always be second guessing her decision if she is saying the truth when she says how much you mean to her. Keep strong.

[jusified]

listen to tamara, what she said is the truth. You know I bet there are alot of girls and guys that are like you and the former tamara. But lets see it this way, if tamara didn't keep on been "friends" with her ex she would not have been hurt so many times and might have found someone wonderful for herself.

 

Mate, try and move on. Even if you don't get a relationship anytime soon just know that this relationship is over and its for the best.

[Nick_t]

Thanks guys,

 

It is such a difficult situation to find yourself in! I hate it.

 

You don't want to be seen as an emotional tampon by your ex, I definitly don't. Perhaps because I don't want her to have it how she likes, a little bit of anger from my part.

 

But, I don't want to lose her myself. She is the one person who can really make me smile out of nothing.

 

I am scared I suppose of loosing her for good, which is something I don't want to happen.

 

I have come accross as fine about the whole situation since she has got in touch and felt really in control, not worrying about her reactions, feelings etc and thats been the reason why she's got back in touch. However the last weekend has made me down a little because that control seems to be slipping away, and I am scared if I did speak to her to let her know this I know what the answer will be (for now).

 

Is the right question to ask is "do you ever see us getting back together. full stop?"

[Nick_t]

or "if you do find someone else will I still be as important to you as I am now?"

 

and if she says it would be difficult then I what would I say?

[Nick_t]

sorry just one more thing -

 

another reason why I find it so hard just to disapear is because I see her all the time as she studies at the uni I work at and also works at reception part time.

 

I don't know how to disapear?? Because we will always be bumping into eachother. When I suppose she does start seeing another guy will be when I say right I'm out of your life now, because it kills me to see you with someone else.

[tamara78]

Hey Justified - Tamara just met someone else who is wonderful, but it took a lot of time! You are so right - being friends with the ex kept me from moving on for so long, and in the end I just got fed up with the pain and the constant limbo that I was in. My own happiness mattered more to me than being with him. But it took a lot of time for me to come to that realisation and I can understand Nick when he says that its difficult to follow the advice at this stage.

 

There will come a time Nick, when you will feel that you just have to get away from her - you are not there yet because she hasn't hurt you as much as she potentially can - once she does, (and she will), you will reach the same point as I did when I just said, that's it, no more of this bull*hit.

 

I would just say to her: I love and care for you - do you want to be with me - yes, or no. If she says no or starts to send out confusing signals, let her go and disappear. You see, both my and you ex weren't really sure of their decision because they knew what a great catch we are and by remaining friends they are avoiding the consequences of what they know deep down is a stupid decision. Let her live with it - you just keep away and move on.

[Biffy]

You're grasping at straws here Nick, willing to hold onto any kind of relationship with your ex because you think that having her in your life in ANY form will hurt less than not having her in your life whatsoever.

 

You still want her as your girlfriend so by pretending to be her friend will just stretch your hurt out for longer. If she's important enough to you that you want her to be your friend, be her friend... somewhere down the line. Once you don't have these romantic feelings for her anymore.

 

Until then Nick, NC is the best way for you.

[Nick_t]

Hey Tamara,

 

You have given me some brilliant advice! And you are right when you say that I find this difficult because she hasn't actually done something to hurt me. Yes she broke up with me but it was for reason I understand and sort of expected (she was younger than me, needed to be free for a while etc.). But since she hasn't really done anything for me to justify disapearing out of her life or letting her go. We still get on soooo well - so yes it's difficult seeing someone you love to be removed from your life. But I suppose it's the same for her. Her feelings are so genuine.

 

I'm trying my best now to keep away from her at all - since i've realised how i'm feeling since the weekend - i've done it before, and I suppose i'm angry with myself because I really felt fine with the whole situation of being friends but didn't realise I was kidding myself.

[Biffy]

And unless you cut contact entirely until you're sure these feelings for her are dead and gone this cycle will continue.

[littlebylittle]

Nick

 

You really need to pay attention to these guys.

 

I work with my ex - literally sitting 20 feet away so can appreciate NC is not entirely possible. But you can effectively keep all contact strictly to work.

 

I'm simply rewording something that's already been said, but - as much as it hurts to say it, SHE left YOU - she wants something else but is scared and is using you to help her with that transition. Not only are you making it easier for her (which I appreciate you may want to do as you love her) but you are making it harder for yourself.

 

My ex asked to be friends and started contacting me to say "I'm not feeling so great today, cheer me up". At first I thought, hey - this is a sign, but I've since realised that it is simply a sign that she misses me BUT BUT BUT is just using me.

 

Bottom line, you can love her with all your heart. She may still have feelings for you. Unless she wants to try again then being her emotional crutch is going to result in one thing only - you being twice as hurt as the first time you were dumped when she is finally ready to move on properly.

 

If you want her back then accept that she is out of your life. Remove her from you life. Get on with living your own. If she comes back, then you know she came back because she WANTED to, not because she simply NEEDED you. If she doesn't come back then at least you won't leave yourself open to having old wounds ripped back apart.

 

Keep strong.

[Juliana]

Nick, I have stayed friends with pretty much all of my ex's. Some of these friendships are getting into their third decade now. These guys are always more than just guys to me -- there is an extra warmth, there is always the knowledge of what was. It's not a painful knowledge. I can tell them that I love them, and mean it. It's not that I'm clinging to them for support, or in case something goes wrong in my life -- they are my friends. The romantic part of the relationship is in the past.

 

I don't know what you're expecting from this relationship, but it doesn't seem to me that she has done anything wrong. She's telling you exactly how she feels: That she thinks you're wonderful, she appreciates having you in her life, and so on. I don't see anything wrong with that.

 

Do you honestly want to get back together with her, or are you more or less satisfied with the relationship you have? I say "more or less," because guys are always looking, until they're married, and she is definitely a girl you'd consider. My ex's always went through periods (brief) of wondering if we should "try again." Sometimes we did try again -- if the situation and the timing was right. We looped in and out of each others lives for years. Do you think that you can just let your desire to push this in a particular direction go for awhile, and see what happens as you both change and mature? It may simply be too soon after your breakup for you guys to get back together in any sort of constructive, fresh way. Are there any other girls you're interested in? You should date now, if you are interested in that.

 

What I'm saying is, the feelings you are having are not unusual, they are normal for this kind of relationship, especially so soon after the breakup. I am also warning you: She isn't doing anything wrong. If you decide to punish her for your feelings, by not speaking to her, then she will be hurt, and that is going to end the relationship, now, and all it's possible future incarnations.

 

So give this one some thought.

[Nick_t]

Hey Juliana,

 

Your post was very warming thank you and makes alot of sense. And everyone else, thank you for your help and advice. It all makes sense. I don't really know what i'm expectin either, but I will give it a go at describing what I want.

 

I agree my ex has not done anything wrong, I know she hasn't. She was straight 6 months ago when she broke up with me and recently since we have been so close she still has done nothing wrong.

 

Honestly I was starting to enjoy single life again, in control, loving the freedom. But the other night i realised how much I loved her company - and I want to be in her company all the time. Maybe it's a phase and I can get over it again and gain this control, but I don't know. I think thats is what I'm sad about, is the sole fact for 2 years I was so used to her love and company when we were together and now it is no more. When we are in each others company I have to treasure it as I know it is only for a short time. Deep down I do want to be back with her but not so full on as it was. I just miss her love and that someone to love and care for. I suppose that is why i'm holding on because I love being with her and doing things for her. But in the long run the battle is just with myself

 

Regarding dating - there is someone who I'm planning to meet up with but again i'm scared because i don't think my heart will be in it, as again deep down I haven't got over my ex.

 

I don't want to disapear out of her life just like that, I wouldn't punish her for something that she isn't at fault for, she is just moving on with her life. But what I need to do is let myself disapear, not be at her beckon call, show her I'm doing stuff for myself and let her miss me. For my own sake.

 

But If I did tell her how I felt, do I just say what I've said above? How I was liking the freedom of single life, but realised over the weekend how much I missed her company. How I treasure when we are together, and how I don't ever want to let her down, how I want to care for her?

 

How to say it to her without looking like i'm pleading for another chance, and to not loose the relationship??

[Juliana]

I've gone through this phase with some of my ex's, where I knew they really missed the past relationship, and the good things about it, but didn't want to actually go into a relationship with me again. I understood that; we'd hang out, and they'd enjoy that, but still be missing the more romantic time that we had had. This is the line that tells me you're going to be okay:

"But in the long run the battle is just with myself."

 

You're right, of course. I think if you walk away from her, you're going to be injuring yourself, and her, and that will be a mistake, in the long run. But to spend alot of time with her right now would be like trying to comfort yourself by a dying fire. You need to not cut out contact, but reduce it without making a big speech about that. Make a conscious effort to get out there more, try other things -- not necessarily just dating, but anything you saw yourself doing as you got older -- keep your dreams on track.

 

I know you're thinking that it's so painful to get out there and try to love someone again, so just go meet other girls and see what happens. You can have another great relationship. You can have all kinds of good relationships. Some will be passionate, some less so.

 

I wouldn't make any big confession of my feelings to her, if I were you, because you know what? Those feelings are going to change. You're still missing the romantic part of the relationship, but that's going to continue to diminish, until all that is left is the friendship. And then you're going to have this wonderful friend who loves you and knows you, and you're going to love and know her, and you're going to be there for each other without reservation in the future. Do not try and "make her miss" you. There's no reason to manipulate her like that. You do have to give yourself and her time and room for the old relationship to grow into it's next stage. She already knows how you feel; trust me. Just let it be, and enjoy the fact that someone cares for you so much, that the fact that you're not with her -- by choice -- hasn't meant that she has cut you out of her life.

[Shaker]

Nick t,

 

I've gone on almost a dozen dates since my split a month ago, and always with people I hardly know. That way, it was fun meeting them and enjoying an evening out, but I didn't feel like the emotional investment was great for anyone involved.

 

I'm not ready to plunge into a new relationship either, and only had one simple cheek kiss in all this time (which is about all I can take)....but it does feel good getting out there.

[Nick_t]

I really don't understand her actions/signals!!!!!!!!

 

Recently I have pulled that barrier right back up and stopped myself getting too close. I'm acting polite, funny etc with her, but getting on with my life. I'm not letting my feelings for her dictate how I act and what I do.

 

Since I have done that she is acting very differently around me. She is finding ways to make contact, especially yesterday. Plus yesterday when I was speaking with my receptionist friend and she was there too, my friend said she really did sense that my ex was unhappy that I wasn't giving her the attention and that I looked happy and i looked like I just didn't care.

 

Today - she sent me an e-mail first thing asking me what the goss was? I had only seen her yesterday. I was too busy to reply. When I finally saw her at reception she asked if I could wait and go for lunch with her. When we walked off she jumped all over me and put her arms around me. Now the last time she did that was when we were going out 6 months ago. We joked as we walked to lunch. In the afternoon I walked over to reception and she called me over as I had a phone call, as I was on the phone she put a grape in my mouth.

 

I mean ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

 

When I do give her attention she does do similar things, but now i'm moving on she pesters me more, and the signals are really weird!!

[Nappy]

Nick,

 

I haven't read your original post yet....

 

But coming from a dumper who recently asked to get back together...

 

You guys still see each other...She still loves you and seeing you being okay with the break up...Well that must bug her and hurt her...

 

I'm not sure exactly what's going on with her...But what I can tell you is what was happening to me...

 

I started to treat my ex as my bf....I knew I wanted to get back together with him....But I was waiting to ask him back until there was no doubt in my mind whatsoever that I wanted to be in it for the long haul again. So, I guess treating him with affections was my way of warming up to it subconsciously.

 

I wouldn't keep your hopes up that she is doing the same. I'm sure she still loves you and a part of her wants to get back together with you...But she's probably waiting for the right time for her. For me, the right time didn't pass me up...I hope that the same happens for the two of you.

[Nick_t]

Hey Nappy,

 

Thanks for your input.

 

I'm not sure what she's thinking. Part of me agrees with what your saying, and part of me believes she just doesn't like the fact i'm moving on.

 

She just confuses me, today especially when she put her arms around me, it was as if we were going out. Even in the past when we got on like a house on fire she wouldn't really touch me.

 

ummmmmmm - i just need to keep my barrier up and keep going. She does still love me, I can sense that, and I suppose part of her wants to get back but part of her wants to stay single and have fun.

 

Oh well - just hate the mixed signals!!!!!!!!

[Nick_t]

Why is the ex worried and concerned if i'm ignoring her??

 

I didn't see her much on Tuesday and not at all on Wednesday. On Thursday I saw her during the day, chatted for a bit and told her I was popping into town in the evening. Come 6ish she phoned to ask if I was still going into town, I said I was driving in now and she asked if I could wait for her and if she should come. She did and once again we had a brilliant time, laughing, joking etc, she even made a weird noise when trying to say a sentance, and I laughed and took the micky out of her. She laughed and said only I understand her and would laugh at that, anyone else would think she was weird. When we went home, i dropped her off and she said goodbye with a massive smile on her face and looked very happy. She said she would see me tomorrow as she was working.

 

So the next day came, when she started working I didn't really see her all afternoon or speak to her. In the evening we both were attending a friends party. Once again when she turned up I didn't really speak to her, not consciously, I was just having fun. At first she poked me and laughed at my costume but I was busy so I just turned round and carried on what I was doing. Much later on in the club I was standing at the bar, and I didn't notice she was there. So she leant accross and poked me again and asked if I was ignoring her - so I said oh, no course not, gave a little smile and walked away. I also found out later that night that she talked to some of her girl mates, who are also friends with me, saying she was concerned that I was ignoring her, and even asked one of her friends to try and find out from me why I was ignoring her. It all makes sense now that a few girls did come up to me asking if I was ok at the party and I said yeah fine with a big smile on my face.

 

I saw her like the night before, I wasn't consciously ignoring her I was just having my own fun, keeping that barrier up. We have loads of fun together but I want to try and show people i'm making the effort of moving on and I'm not there for her all the time. I want to show her that too.

 

Why was she so concerned that I was ignoring her? I just didn't have a chance to speak to her all night, I was having my own fun. And why did she need to ask someone to fnd out, if she really didn't care she would not have gone to the effort to ask someoene to do that. When she did finally ask me, when I gave her my answer, it was a weird reaction. She smiled, but it was a cross between a fake smile, a smile of relief, and a smile of embaressment because she felt stupid that she had to ask me, and possibly because she realised that it might have sounded a little needy. I don't know????

[Nappy]

Hi Nick,

 

Sounds to me like she definitely sees that you are making the effort to move on and are seemingly succeeding at it. You did awesome by the way...Having your fun while the cause of your pain and confusion is in the same room...That is not easy and you seem to have done it with yourself in mind...Awesome...You should be very proud of yourself.

 

I'm sure she is very afraid of losing you. Even though she broke it off she likely didn't realize that you WOULD actually BE ABLE to move on. She probably didn't think that it was really possible. And now that she sees it happening it is making her nervous. She definitely doesn't want to lose you.

 

If the reason that she broke up with you is that she is young and needed to be free for a while...Well I can understand where she is coming from.

 

I too had the love of my life....But on the otherhand really wanted to enjoy my youth as I knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It seems odd that one should feel that way about a person but also want to have their fun....But that's all it is, meaningless (in my case innocent flirtations etc) fun....And in the end, you learn and realize that it means nothing, you get it out of your system...You realize that life is more meaningful and this person is too important to you to waste time apart. It is just something you go through while you are young...You just want to be free for a moment even when you have found a love so great (and this often comes after a long term relationship together).

 

So, let her do what she feels she needs to do right now....That is the only way she will come back. In the meantime, just focus on you. She will continue to give you mixed signals...And I'm sure it is a form of torture to you. Just reallize that she does not mean for it to do you harm...She is expressing where she is though passively. She still loves you and likely really wants to get back together...Right now is just not the time. She is likely waiting until she is 110% committed again if she is considering being in a long term relationship with you again. I wouldn't discuss where you are with her....Just let it run its course....Don't let her know where you are in terms of wanting her back or moving on. She will be able to detect it one way or the other.

 

Continue to heal and move forward. She will see this more and more and will come back once it is right for her....And really, it will be best for you once SHE is ready as well. Just continue to be yourself with her...She knows who you are and she loves who you are. You two seem to have a lot of fun together - That is EXTREMELY important.

 

Continue making yourself the best you can be....And if she comes back wonderful. If not, well you can be happy with yourself...and this will create the opportunity for you to have a healthy relationship with the next.

 

I know how hard it is to let go....Just move at your own pace.

 

Let me know how it goes...updates, etc.

[Nick_t]

Thanks Nappy,

 

Your replys always feel me with hope (not getting back with the ex, but hope for the future), warmth and puts a smile on my face when i'm down, thank you!

 

At the moment I am having hard weeks and good ones, it is very hard to move on when I see her all the time but I am having to cope with it, and i'm afraid its not going to change until the summer when she goes off to America for 3 months.

 

An update: Saw her briefly Sunday afternoon and chatted with her and her best mate, and we were both very enthusiastic. I asked her how her interview on Saturday went and she didn't hesitate to tell me all about it. I was going to see her at a party later that night so I said goodbye after 10/15 mins. Later that night I saw her at the superbowl party and sat down close to her in a room filled with friends all watching the tv and laughing. 20 mins in when I wasn't giving her the attention she wanted she poked me and said 'What is your problem with me?'.

 

I was shocked, I didn't know what to reply, I looked at her in a confused way and said that I didn't have a problem with her. She said you were weird with me on Friday too, and I said well no I was just enjoying myself and asked her what this was all about, getting a little angry! She said I didn't have to get angry and stopped it before it got out of hand. I got up and walked to the bathroom for 5 mins then came back and carried on to enjoy myself. We started talking in a normal manner again, and at halftime she asked when I was leaving and if she could get a lift home. I ended up giving her a lift home.

 

Monday - I was seriously fed up, she sat with me at Lunch, then later on I invited her for a chill out session in the evening round mine, she said she was 80% coming. She phoned me in the evening after her training and we had a really cool chat. Later she couldn't make it to mine as her friend was upset, which didn't bother me. Then when I was in bed she initiated a MSN online chat, starting it with 'u going to be online for a bit, because i'm not tired, and fancy a chat, just going to have a shower first'. We ended up chatting for about an hour, and we got into some really deep stuff. Not about us but life. I supported her and she supported me as we both explained how were fed up. She said she could relate to me when I said I get really lonely sometimes, and also asked me about this girl she thinks I'm getting close to. She said I was like a closed book as I wasn't admitting much, and I said 'I really miss your company too you know', to which she replied, 'Yeah I miss it too, that wasn't what I was getting at BTW....I just want you to be happy'.

 

I was describing to her how fed up I was about loads of stuff and she had to go cause she was tired. She ended it by saying so sorry she had to leave but her eyes were drooping, and we'll be ok. She signed off, then 5 mins later sent me a text saying 'night night, hope ur ok? x' I replied 'Nothing a good nights kip won't sort out, sweet dreams my sweet x'.

 

She worked yesterday at reception and I saw her quite a lot, she said she could tell I was upset, and she wanted to help me, she wants to see me happy. We ended up going food shopping together after work, and I helped her make some sandwhiches for her riding competition. She said when were shopping that I could stay for dinner but I had a meal planned somewhere else, so she was like no worries. It was all very friendly. I said good luck tomorrow and she said she would let me know how she gets on.

 

It might sound we are getting close, but I do have to let her be free, do what she wants, be intrested in other guys (which i know she has been). That is what kills me but I suppose I have to let her do this, it will be through this that she will truly realise what she wants. We are so close but yet so distant. We get on soooooooo well, care for eachother so much, but I have to stay strong. I would do anything for her, and it is obvious through various signs she cares for me.

 

I don't know if there is any hope, it just feels so weird that we get on so well but there is nothing else, especially after 2 years together. I can't just hug her like I use to etc... show affection. Just something I need to accept really.

[resi71]

if dumper would feel same pain what they make for you,they will act totally different,but they have only this big ME

[Nick_t]

I think I know what your saying but can you elaborate?

 

Many thanks