naranja Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 So my ex calls and leaves a message on my phone.....saying that he got this feeling that he should call me. We broke up at the beginning of December (2.5yr long relationship), pretty much by him forcing me to break up with him. I try to stay away from him, do not call him, have had pretty good NC except that once in awhile I see him at the university we go to or at parties (we live in a smallish city). I'm seeing someone new I don't really feel all that into. I was at a bar with this new guy on the weekend and I'm pretty sure my ex saw me with him. I'm not sure if this is why he's calling??? Jealousy? But anyways, it makes me sooo sad that he might want to talk to me, I mean, it is heartbreaking for me to imagine that he actually CARES about me in some way, I've been trying to forget about him...I know he still wants to be friends, but I can't be friends with him because I'm in love with him still.....and getting back together won't work either, and it really hurts me to imagine that he MIGHT want to get back together.....and then I'll be more hurt when I talk to him and he just wants something of his that's at my place or something. I guess I just needed to vent. I feel extremely anxious about this, I don't know if I should return his call. I don't know what he'll want. Help!!!! Link to comment
friscodj Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 I've been trying to forget about him...I know he still wants to be friends, but I can't be friends with him because I'm in love with him still.....and getting back together won't work either, and it really hurts me to imagine that he MIGHT want to get back together.....and then I'll be more hurt when I talk to him and he just wants something of his that's at my place or something. You have answered your own question in its entirety right here. There is absolutely no other option here than completely staying away from this guy until you no longer have any inclination to write what you wrote here. As far as your heartbreak about him still caring, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to suck that up and deal with it yourself, away from him. Your quote above is very compelling and I see no other way to go with this. Now as far as your new guy, I suggest you tell him you are "not that into him" sooner than later, be fair to him and his feelings, and give yourself some time and distance away from relationships to grieve and heal you genuinely need I think before jumping back into dating too soon. Link to comment
shikashika Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 It sounds like you care more about your ex than the new guy... why don't you see what your ex wants? It could help.... Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 I think if you are so curious, you may as well return his call but just ask him right away what he wants. if he just says he wants to chat or talk about the playoffs, then forget it, hang up. tell him you don't want to do "just friends" and that he needs to respect your wishes. if he says he wants you back, hear him out. Link to comment
onelittleladybug Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 I agree with shikashika and annie. Just see what he wants. If he's trying to make friends, tell him its too soon and you need some space. Its impossible to tell from the message what he wants. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 I'm seeing someone new I don't really feel all that into. I was at a bar with this new guy on the weekend and I'm pretty sure my ex saw me with him. how long have you been dating this guy? have you really given him a fair shot? Link to comment
friscodj Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Its impossible to tell from the message what he wants. This isn't about what he wants, it's about what she wants. Listen to her, worried about what he wants and she even says she'll be hurt after talking to him! She said she's trying to forget about him, a relationship won't work, and a friendship won't work. On top of that, she is dating someone else. This one seems to be as straightforward as it comes. Link to comment
spikespiegel Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 I'm going to vote for finding out what he wants as well, but like the above posters said, if he just wants to chat, cut it off. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 I know he still wants to be friends, but I can't be friends with him because I'm in love with him still.....and getting back together won't work either, and it really hurts me to imagine that he MIGHT want to get back together..... why do you think getting back together again wouldn't work? Do you think things are 100% dead and over between you two? problems can't be fixed? Link to comment
naranja Posted January 23, 2007 Author Share Posted January 23, 2007 Thanks everyone for the responses. My ex and I talked. It turns out that he was worried about me because he thought I looked upset when I was at university. He probably saw me one day when I had been crying due to several reasons. I miss having someone in my life that I love. I just said I was doing OK, thanks for calling, then we pretty much hung up. It hurts to know that he cares. The problems with the new guy kinda started because there are a few things about him that get under my skin (the way he dresses and a strange way of talking that he has) and I know these are superficial so I can overlook them - to a point....but then this weekend he started getting all commitment-ish on me and I started to feel kind of repulsed by him. This combined with the fact that he met all my friends this weekend and they said "he's nice but you can do better" really started me thinking whether to forget him or not. I am completely NOT used to dating guys that I'm not 100% completely in love with. I've never really "dated" anyone.....I've only pretty much had boyfriends. Because I've never dated anyone I thought this is a good chance for me to at least give it a try. Lately I've been thinking that if I wait awhile (could be months, years) I'll meet someone that I really think is attractive. That's my old way of doing things. Link to comment
onelittleladybug Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Hi again I relate to you saying that its going to take you some time. But I also don't think that its good for you to assume it will take you years to find someone else. I read somewhere (maybe on this board - I cant remember) that rebounds are bad because you tend to go for the exact opposite of your ex. The thing is there was a reason why we were in love with the ex. Just now when I read what you wrote about the guy you're dating right now I got a deja vu from a previous breakup. Or actually the guy I dated afterwards. He was a really amazing guy but he was way too clingy and ended up totally creeping me out with his neediness. Its just the way it is and it will gradually get better. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 The problems with the new guy kinda started because there are a few things about him that get under my skin (the way he dresses and a strange way of talking that he has) and I know these are superficial so I can overlook them - to a point....but then this weekend he started getting all commitment-ish on me and I started to feel kind of repulsed by him. This combined with the fact that he met all my friends this weekend and they said "he's nice but you can do better" really started me thinking whether to forget him or not. I am completely NOT used to dating guys that I'm not 100% completely in love with. I've never really "dated" anyone.....I've only pretty much had boyfriends. Because I've never dated anyone I thought this is a good chance for me to at least give it a try. I see. I think that what would bother me are his speech patterns. style of dress can be changed (just how weird is it?) As for your friends, well, they aren't dating him. I don't think you can necessarily be in love with someone before you've really gotten a chance to know him. Do you mean you tend to date guys you are infatuated with? If you're not feeling like you want to get to know him better or move the relationship forward, it's ok to break it off. If you think you need another few weeks to know for sure, that is fine too. As for your ex, blah. Lovely of him to notice you looked like crap forget him, he had nothing useful to say. As they like to say, "Onward and upward....." Link to comment
Juliana Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 I think you handled that well. I also think you should break up with the new guy. Speech patterns are indicative of neurological function. He really is different, and he needs to be with a girl who finds that charming, or sexy, not neurotic and clingy. My experience with tepid relationships is that they just keep getting colder. Link to comment
keefy1972 Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 The first couple of dates after a long term usually doesn't work out. Is just the way it is. Don't worry too much about it. Just try to have fun whether you're with him or not. You don't have to be with anyone to be happy. Link to comment
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