He doesnt want me...

[lil_irish]

I have been living with my boyfriend for 5mths now (we have been together for yr and half), and generally things are going good, however his sex drive has been dwindling. I know he is physically attracted to me, and I have a high sex drive (i would be happy to do it every day) but he isnt interested, its gotten to be that we only do it when he is in the mood. I frequently make the first move but I get a "later" or worse an "i love you" which apparently is him reassuring me but telling me "no not tonight" ultimately. I tired of feelin like a nympho, I am a sexual person, I love the intimacy of being naked together.

 

His grandmother died a few weeks ago ,and I know the shock and stress can affect things (yes it has definitely made things worse, he is less interested), but to be honest it had been dwindling before that happened. I am trying to be understanding but a girl has needs too! I have tried talking to him about it, I have tried seducing him, I am even not coming onto him now (he is very hot it is hard* to control my lust- *at least something is) in the hope that if I play hard to get it might tempt him. I have even told him that I cant take the rejection anymore so I am letting him make all the moves.

 

A part of me worries that we are not sexually compatible since we need different amounts. We used to be at it all the time, he used to walk around turned on every time we were in the same room (hes a big guy not easy to hide it) , (we have only been together for a yr and a half) but the first yr we did it every day. now I am lucky to get it once a week.

 

we dont have intimacy problems, we are very close, infact Im scared that we have just become best friends. I blame living together for it, he used to not be able to keep his hands off me. Now I can walk about naked and he doesnt flinch.

 

What should I do? When I talk to him about it he gets defensive and takes it personally. But its not quality Im debating its whether or not he just has got bored with me?

 

what guts me most of all is that he has the ability to have a high sex drive, during on of our hearts to heart about the past he told me the most times he has made love to some one is 8times in one day. Was she more attractive than me, he assures me she wasnt but... u cant blame me for wondering. He puts it down to hormones as a teen. Even at our best the most he made love to me was twice in one day.

 

Please advise!

[Clint30]

Its good that you talk with him about it, but if you keep pressuring him with things like "was she more attractive than me?" his will could slip away alittle bit. Instead, do things you have never done before or ina different way. And if some new ideas dont blow him off, than there is something to talk about. Keep safe

[Rabican]

I would suggest sitting him down and having an honest heart to heart talk with him about this. Just be careful not to bruise his ego, but just tell him that you are concerned that maybe he is losing interest in you and you want to know whats going on. Try to approach it from a concerned/ loving point of view not a nitpicking, griping point of view.

 

If that doesnt work, you may just not be compatible. I can imagine that it would not be fun to go around being rejected by your partner 10 times a week. That would certainly make someone feel unwanted, rejected etc. If thats the case... you may need to go separate ways.

[beholdu]

I have been involved with a woman that has the equivalent drive (actually much less frequent) of your man. When we had separate residences, sex was more frequent - hey if you didn't get it on the weekend -well you had to entertain yourself until the next one. Years later we still discuss this issue and I will tell you -she's not going to change/he's not going to change. Maybe there can be a marginal increase, but that will be about it. Why do I stay? I stay because she's a wonderful and attractive inside and out. I have thought of leaving though. Meanwhile I know married guys that supplement the lack of sex at home with an affair. Visit any adult dating site and you'll see - the women are doing it to. So what do I do? From temptation to frustration - these are very powerful emotions.

 

Too bad I can't swap drives with you - make that, Hard Drives! however, you aren't going to want my girlfriend's Low Drive (for yourself) to make you and your honey more compatible and I'm sure not giving up my Hard Drive for him, despite my frustration.

 

So you see, you either live with it (him) and accept it or find another outlet or leave him at some point, despite the fact that you love him. It IS a tough decision.

 

I just joined this forum several minutes ago and I don't want to sound negative on my first post. I'm just reporting my experience and what I have seen. When people meet and become "an item" lust and curiosity makes for a lot of fun. Its only later, when things settle down that we find out these types of things. They are major and they can break relationships. Most of us want to be honest partners. The line between fantasy and reality is fine. Sometimes, I wish I had a neighbour like you, perhaps with different moral values, but the same drive. See, I do think about it, a lot, but I hold out, unlike my married friends.

 

Good luck from Toronto.

[ghost69]

sometimes i feel turned off by a woman that wants it all of the time. what you should do: wear some little shorts around the house and do some housework and act not interested. bend over to pick up stuff, etc. get in his way on purpose but pay him no mind. he will be watching. a couple of times that he wants it, tell him you are tired and not in the mood. he will be begging after a while. my ex tried these types of things. i was hooking her up more than i wanted it. it was awesome. maybe i will call her now. lol

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[hopelesslyyours]

Wow. I have the same exact problem. I am 21 years old, my boyfriend is 25. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. Our 2 year anniversary was on the 26th, which is 2 days ago. I've been living with him for about 7 months. I've noticed that since last summer, his sex drive has decreased tremendously. I know he's really stressed out about his job and trying to get into a second baccalaureate. His major demands a lot from him too. I get depressed whenever I get rejected. We used to have sex several times a day. Now it's once every 2 weeks. I haven't had sex in 3 weeks. He goes down on me only once a week but says he's not in the mood to have sex. He even rejects oral sex from me. It's hard being a girl and being rejected. It makes you feel ugly and undesirable. I am going to wait it out and see if anything is going to change if he graduates. That's how much I love him. But if you think you will be missing out if you continue to put up with it, then you should end the relationship. If there is a glimmer of hope that he will regain his sex drive back, be patient if you love him.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think it is normal for some people to be a bit less excited about sex when they get more familiar with each other... it is those raging 'new love' infatuation hormones in the beginning... BUT i think a normal couple should desire sex a least 2 to 3 times a week at your age for both partners to be happy, unless one of them is going through some major upheaval and illness...

 

is there a chance that your boyfriend has become clinically depressed? that can cause this. or any chance he is withdrawing from the relationship (i.e., not sure he wants to be living with you)? i would definitely sit him and down and talk about it when you are not freshly rejected and feeling upset... choose a dinner table conversation perhaps and start out non-accusatory... i.e., say, you don't seem to be very interested in sex much anymore, why is that... and don't just accept the first answer, which may just be a throwoff type, busy, tired, etc.

 

ask more questions, and point out how you used to have it every day, and haven't had sex and 3 weeks, etc. tell him the facts about the situation (frequency (or lack of it), how often he rejects you, how often you intiate vs. him), then tell him how it is affecting you and you are feeling about it...

 

lots of time if people are too busy etc., once they actually start lovemaking, they will get into it, but if they are thinking, i should do this or that instead, then they don't start. you need to have him agree to PLAN times to be together several times a week, if he is not spontaneously initiating/participating in sex, like planning dates before you lived together.

 

but if he blows you off and doesn't take it seriously or tells you its your problem, you have a BIG problem! you are too young to go without sex, and lack of sex in a relationship is a sign that either the one person has medical/mental issues, or there is a relaltionship problem with the couple....

 

and sadly, sometimes roles in a relationship can get skewed, i.e., the wife becomes the sister or parent role to the husband, then it feels weird to one or both to have sex because it has turned from a hot romantic relationship into more of a buddy/buddy or mother/son or daddy/daughter type situation, which makes sex repellent one or both people... so it could be the relationship dynamic causing problems too, where he has fallen away from the 'lover' role and is content with a more friends/family type situation, in which case you would need couples counseling to resolve this...

 

i dated someone once like this, a really attractive and athletic man who seemed like the perfect dream man at first... but he really had some arrested development problems, stuck emotionally in an earlier stage because of a problematic childhood. So he eventually turned every girl he dated into his mother figure because he became very dependent and irresponsible because he did not want to have adult responsbilities in life... and eventually the sex declined and it got to feel too weird with him not wanting to be my equal, just me taken care of all the adult responsbilities, like worrying about mortgage, finances, doing all the housekeeping, etc., while he spent a lot of time whining about not 'finding' himself and hating his job etc. etc.

 

we went to some counseling, but the counselor basically said he was stuck in an earlier life stage, where he didn't really want to be an adult or an equal partner, and he wanted ME to act in the parent role, take care of all of his life's responsbilities, so the sex had gotten weird (then nonexistent) because of this (i.e., you don't sleep with your mother figure)... so i knew this was a bigger problem than we could fix with couples counseling, so i left...

 

your situation may be nowhere near that bad, and you are catching it early, and should try to get to the root of the problem right away, and see if he wants to work with you to negotiate something you are both happy with... but if you relationship is getting skewed, and he won't attend counseling or negotiate, then you might have to leave.

[Batya33]

Why in the world would a heart to heart include him telling you that he had sex 8 times in one day with someone else?? I am all for honesty but spilling one's guts about the details of past sexual experiences is just selfish/self-absorbed and inappropriate, in my opinion.