Marriage... is it just a joke to him?

[Vikette]

So my boyfriend was drinking and confessed his desire to be with me for the rest of his life. He busted out how he knew almost right away after he had met me, that he knew he wanted to spend of his life with me. We have been seeing each other for the past 8 months, and our relationship is really odd. (Here's a little backround...we met through his mother... we both work full time, I also have a part time job.. both on sports leagues..he's going to school full time.. he's 24, and Im 20, so that means he can go to the bars without me...but we just dont have enough time in the day to see each other all the time, let alone talk everyday... but Im ok with that, because I know that there is nothing that I can do about it at this point...) I know that I care about him very deeply.. to the extent of no other...and I could see myself marrying him...Why? I dont know, but I think thats the best part honestly...

 

Back to the story...I know that he doesnt see other girls, and what not... but busting out that he wanted to marry me? I made the mistake of getting kind of excited about it because he was all for it...he had already told his parents, called his friends.. the whole 9 yards... i asked him how long he has been thinking about this, and he had said (like I mentioned earlier) that he knew almost instantly that he wanted to be with me and that he cant see himself with anyone else because of all that we have been through with each other in these past few months... he told me that when he goes out with his buddies, all he does is think that "All I want to do is go home and call you.. and who do I call? You... exactly.." He also claimed that he knew whole heartedly that it was exactly what he wanted.... so we talked about it, and how it would have to be a long engagement, I mean come on, we have only been seeing each other for 8 months, personally thats not enough time for me....but maybe it is? I dont know.... I even mentioned that if we got married, I would want him to sign a pre-nup.. and he said that he would do anything if that means that he would be married to me... aww so sweet huh!? yeah i know....

 

Soooo I ended up staying the night, and i had previous plans, so I woke him up, told him I was leaving and then left him there sleeping... his mother wakes him up and goes "I suppose that there should be a congratulations in order"... and he goes.. "No".... so he goes and calls his friends back and told them to disreguard any phone calls made to them from the night before...

 

... I didnt talk to him all day... I had to hear that from his mother...so how does that make me feel? Like a POS... is this just a joke to him? Do people who are drinking say what is on their mind or just lie? (personally I know that I am not capable of lying... sober or drinking)... so I dont know how to take this...it was probably just the beer talking... but how do I know that hes not feeling below the surface and hes just scared because women have hurt him in the past....

 

How do I deal with this situation? It is grounds upon breaking up with him because he is screwing with my heart? Is it even a relationship considering we only see each other a max of twice a week? I need some help and direction in this matter... but heres the kicker.. Im willing to wait/take things slow with him... and Im not ready to give up on him like others have done in the past... he doesnt hurt me, this is the first situation that him and I have been in where he has "hurt" my feelings... I dont know..

 

HELP ME PLEASE?!!

[RayKay]

Well, I do know that when people are drinking sometimes their tongues get looser and they are less inhibited. I would not take an "engagement" done while someone was drinking more than a glass of wine or a beer to be serious (especially not without a ring) as the latter requires more forethought, planning and seriousness then it tends to happen in spur of the moment states of intoxication. Not to downplay it, but seriously I have been told those same things by plenty of men whom I only dated for weeks when they were intoxicated

 

It is TOTALLY different talking about those things when you are both sober (as I do with my current boyfriend).

 

It sounds to me it was more of an expression of his feelings and hopes for the relationship than a formal engagement.

 

He is probably not lying about how he feels, but even he realizes that is rather fast and he is not yet sure.

 

P.S. It is not how much you see each other...plenty of couples only are able to see one another a couple times a week, but the depth, intimacy, partnership and strength of your relationship that matters.

[Day_Walker]

I think that you have to chalk the event up as a drunk experience. People say things when they are drunk, some that they mean and others that they do not. He is the best person to tell you what his true motivations are.

[answersguy]

If you walk away before you know it needs to be over, you'll be making a grave mistake. You'll always carry those thoughts about "what could have been" with you for a very long time and even into future relationships. Let the relationship run it's course and enjoy the ride. That way, when it's over there no second thoughts or second guessing and you can moving on with out wondering and affecting future relationships. And if It doesn't end and you end up happily married then sticking around would also be the right things. Stick around until you KNOW what you want and aren't looking for other people to know for you.

[Vikette]

You all have great points... but I am also a firm believer in.. when you know.. you know... maybe thats a poor way of thinking about things, but I dont think so..

 

I am taking it with a grain of salt... but it still hurts to think that he can say all that stuff, and then just totally take it back, and me having to hear it from his mom...

 

I am taking it as a drunk experiance... but have hopes in that he meant what he said.. I am not going to hold it against him, but I am going to let him know how it made me feel, and that its not something to joke about....

 

Answersguy- as far as knowing what I want.. I want him... is it wrong of me to think that he's scared of his feelings? I know that Im scared of mine because of past experiances.....I know that I love him, and he has told me that he loves me.. but I cant bring myself to say it in return, for the plain and simple fact that Im scared....

 

I am still scared to this day on my feelings, with any situation.. im just particularly careful with this one because I feel that he has marriage potential... he hasnt shown me anything different....does that make sense?

[RayKay]

I agree that you can "know" though this too is something that comes with experience, and time together, and you have to be sure it is a true "knowing" as opposed to a "hoping-knowing" if that makes sense.

 

And I respect you see he has marriage POTENTIAL, but eight months in is still the honeymoon stage, particularly when you are both younger, take your time and don't rush into things. If you aren't comfortable with saying I love you yet, you definitely are not ready for marriage yet.

 

Maybe he is scared of his feelings, maybe not, but regardless when they ar said while drunk you have to be sure to not take them as written in stone. But yes, let him know how you feel but remember he probably was not JOKING, he meant it and meant he wants to be with you; but that does not mean he meant to ask you to marry him right then and there which is why he was put off when people came and asked him about it (his mother).

 

It is when you see the less wonderful parts about one another, and see one another through some of the trials in life you really get a chance to see whether you have what it takes, and see the true character in one another.

[answersguy]

Sure, it makes complete sense. I think this guy does love you and I think he does want to marry you. It sounds to me like he wanted to propose the night you left early. People have a tendency to want to make people close to them empathise with them. He had some very specific expectations for that night and reality didn't meet his crazy high expectation nor did it even come close. Rather than talking to you about it, He did what he did and had his mom tell you. Forcing you to empathise and be disappointed too. If you want this to get better, if you really love him, tear down your walls, let go of your fears and insecurities and trust him to love the real you. Let him know the real you and start with being open with him and telling him how you really feel. You both deserve that.

[Vikette]

RayKay- I know that I am not ready for marriage, with him or anyone.. you're exactly right, but that doesnt mean that I dont want to head in that direction with him..I would like to... but that is.. when I am ready to... if the proposal was for real (which obviously it wasn't.. per say).. there would have to be a real long engagement, to make sure thats what both of us wants...

 

He has also brought up the idea of us moving in together? Both sober and drunk.. and I figure it would bring us closer together, but then again, it could drive us further apart... my family was always a firm believer in "why buy the cow if you get the milk for free" and never thought that moving in with each other without being married was bad... but I feel that if you cant live with someone.. how can you marry them and make it work?...I dont think that its a totally bad idea.. but also, it was brought to my attention that he wants the perks of a marriage without the commitment.. but if you ask me, moving in with someone is quite the commitment...

 

would moving in even be a bad idea? It certainly isnt an engagement, but it certainly is a commitment... but there are also statistics saying that couples who move in with each other.. only about 20% ever end up together.. I dont want that to happen to us..

[Vikette]

AnswersGuy- He did propose.. thats the whole thing here... I didnt say yes, but I didnt say no.. i just told him that there would have to be a long engagement to make sure that its what we both wanted.. and then he turns around and pulls that crap...jeez... So I dont know if i really disappointed... maybe I did by not calling all my buddies and telling them the great news.. like he did... but he also called them back and told them to disreguard everything.. he didnt even have the guts to call me yesterday at all... which was fine because I had a full day.. but still.. his mother...i have a feeling he is a tid bit ashamed/embarrassed... and that in turn, makes me feel poorly about us because why would you be embarrassed about loving someone?

 

I suppose Im a hypocrit... Im afraid to love people, in turn, when I do love them, I dont let them know it until its too late.... jeez, I feel like Im back in high school!! DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA..

 

...These are the times I wish I wasnt so Anyalitical... (thats not how you spell it, but you get what Im trying to say!) HA!