gf issues...

[saberman3000]

I have a wonderful girlfriend who is older than I am. We have been dating for about 4 months now. She is smart and sexy, the whole package. She told me before meeting me, she had a bf who used to abuse her.

 

YET she stayed with him for 4 years. She once casually mentioned that the only thing good about staying with him was good sex. Which brings me to my point...

 

I was initially nervous around her and had "performance issues" because I knew she was more "experienced" than I was. Eventually, things are going good. But I can't help myself and ask..."AM I GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER IN BED"?

 

Because she had had more guys than I had girls, I can't stop wondering if she had it better. It's killing me inside. She says she loves me, cares for me and it doesn't matter...yet, when I ask why she stayed with her previous bf even when she knew he was abusive, she keeps quite and gets upset.

 

Did she stick with him because he was giving her good sex? She tell me to get over it. I can't. Maybe she cheated on him and dated other guys? Oh, did I mention she is sex crazy? It's the first thing she said the night we met.

 

Bottomline: Why am I scared to commit to this girl? Will I ever get over it?

 

She is a wonderful woman. A part of me wants her for the rest of my life, yet a part of me wants to go out there and come to her sexual experience. What should I do?

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone. I think there are two separate issues going on. 1, the abuse, and 2, your current sex life.

 

As for #1) No, I don't think she stayed with her abuser because the sex was so good. Abusers tend to manipulate their partners, to make them feel horrible and to convince them that they are the only ones in the world that would love them, and that they are nothing without their abuser. So, no. she didn't stay for the sex. That said, has she gotten counseling for the past abuse? I hope she has worked through these issues. they have a nasty way of coming back.

 

and for the next issue.... the sex. I can tell you, as a female, i do NOT think about past lovers when i have a new boyfriend. If she has had better or not, I don't know. All I can say is, if she wanted to be with those guys, she would be with them. instead, she is with you! I would communicate with her and try to maybe explore new things together, listen to her, ask what makes her feel good.... you know, just improve.

 

don't get insecure over her past. it is in the past!

[CarnelianButterfly]

I don't understand the need to have the same number of past sex partners as you SO. Why does it matter so much? If you didn't satisfy her needs she wouldn't be with you. The only thing you need to know about past sexual experience is if they were protected or have been tested for STI's.

 

Sex is not a reason some one would be willing to sustain abuse. Abuse victims are brainwashed into believing they are worthless and they won't be able to survive without their abuser.

[Clementine orange]

Stop worrying.

 

Maybe she told you about the good sex with her as "stock answer" she tell anyone. The real truth is that the guy manipulated her and threatened her and did whatever (like the posters mentioned above). Pride won't let her admit that that's why shy stayed, so "good sex". Perhaps she should have given that answer a little more thought before dumping it on you but anyway.

 

Here's a clue for you. You don't need lots of experience to give someone good sex (some is helpful of course) what you need is intuitiveness. Get that.

Know the girl, communicate. And read some books about sex.

 

And stop worrying 'cause that will wreck everything.

[CarnelianButterfly]

yet a part of me wants to go out there and come to her sexual experience. What should I do?

BTW, don't do this. It's not going to come accross well. Think about how you would tell your girlfriends "I slept with her so I could be equal to you". It won't make her think "Wow, he's a stud, sleeping with other women just for us". You're not going to be enlightened or gain any magical experience by being with someone else. What your GF likes could be completely opposite of what the woman you sleep with likes, then what will that have gained you, a hurt GF that thinks you're a cheat.

[Kalika]

Wait, one of the first things she said to you ever is that she's sex crazy?? And then she stayed with an abusive boyfriend because of the sex????

 

Big red flags waving high..

[annie24]

yet, when I ask why she stayed with her previous bf even when she knew he was abusive, she keeps quite and gets upset.

 

i think you are coming to your own conclusions here, and don't do that! talk to her. but I bet it is as clementine said, her ego and pride don't want to admit that she stayed because he twisted her perception of reality and convinced her she was scum and couldn't do better. I think her "sex" comment about him meant that all other aspects of the relationship were horrible.

[DreamerPL7]

Abuser's tend to scare the life out of a person so that they are afraid to defy them. What ever way they do it through blackmail of some sort or just making you feel worthless. She probably stayed for four years because she was afraid of the guy. If she gets upset or anxious about the whole thing I really don't think it was the sex. Another thing, the whole she won't stay with me cause I am bad in bed mindset is not a good one to run with. No one is that superficial that if they love someone but the sex is bad they leave that is just stupid. Remember there are other qualities you must have that she loves about you. Your first date was not one in bed. Remember sex is not the foundation of a relationship, trust, love, and being able to communicate are. She must trust you if she told you about the abuser some people wait years to tell their partners about that kind of thing. She must love you if your still together. You just need the communication part of it down. One thing to remember about communication its also based on what not to say. If she does not like to talk about the old guy and thats in her past just let her keep it there don't bring it up and YOU need to stop thinking about it because it can just make a good thing come to an end for no reason. Who knows you might end up spending the rest of your life with this girl, and if that is what you want then forget about the superficial and start thinking about other things besides the sex. Coming home with a dozen roses and some chocolates on Thursday just because its Thursday will make her just as happy and you need to believe that.

[caro33]

As people have said, you need to separate the sex insecurity from the abuse issue.

 

Re the abuse, no wonder you are questioning why she would have stayed, and I can understand that. You are questioning her judgement, you are wondering what her values are. Well that's easy from an outside perspective, but as per others' comments above, it's a lot more complex when you are living it. She may well have been manipulated, have doubted herself etc. Now the fact that she goes quiet and gets upset when you mention that ex is a lot more symbolic of her experiencing pain and doubts about herself than it is an indication that it really WAS the sex that kept her there. I migght add also, that perhaps by 'sex' she might also have meant 'attention'. His wonderfully attentive behaviour may well have played a part in her staying -maybe he confused her into beleiving no one else would appreciate her as much as he did. Who knows.

 

Re the sexual experience, also as others have said, nbrs of partners doesn't tell you a lot. Many people refuse to learn how to please others, no matter how much sex they have. So try to realise this is your issue. Go rent some porn and see how they do it there if you must. But different people also like different things, so the key is more to pay attention to what your girlfriend likes. Ask her, test some ideas, see what makes her happy. That's the experience you need. No point being an expert in a certain style to find she hates that - having little experience I think actually might help you be more attentive to her and learn better.

 

I wonder if she is insecure. I think that some people put on a highly sexed attitude because they think that's all the world values them for. They like to come accross as all sexed up because they are trying to keep their SO's attention. If she has learned that that's how she controls her environment, and if that's how her past experience has taught her she's valued (see comments about the abuser above) maybe that has become her currency of showing value in herself.

 

I could be completely wrong though, it depends. What is she like as a person, besides being wonderful?

[saberman3000]

I could be completely wrong though, it depends. What is she like as a person, besides being wonderful?

 

I value all your inputs and it has been an eye-opener. I did do something very wrong the other day which prompted me write this post.

 

I was all home alone last tuesday and she had to go to work. I wanted to listen to some music and looked at her CD collection. I accidently stumbled upon 3 unmarked CD and popped them into computer to see what music it had...

 

Turn out, it was her daily dairy which she had copied onto a disk detailing her years with ex. All files were filled with frustration and dissappointment but always mentioned sex (and how she had grown fond of all sunday sex marathon over the past 2 years they had known each other...etc).

 

As I read, all I could see was she was enjoying sex with her ex, she cheated on her ex while they were together, he dosen't understand her, she hates him, yet she wants him and all that bull * * * *. She has been trying to get rid of him soon after they had hooked up (which was 4 years ago).

 

Her ex was many years older than she is and I am some years younger than she is.

 

This got me very curious and I was deeply disturbed. I then found her actual diary where she mentions it again which led to theorize that she stayed with him for sex!!! It mentions several encounters and how she likes it a certain way.

 

The pages date back 10 years and includes all her crushes and hookups. I was dejected, disheartned and disturbed but I realized that I should have never snooped in her past life in first place.

 

She is very nice. She gets hit upon everyday. We talk everyday on the phone. She lives about 2 hours away and we both work for the same firm. I see her every weekend and long holidays and usually stay with her when I am in the area. Everyone in my firm knows us and approves our relationship. She is independent in her own right.

 

I dont want to lose her. I love her to death but looking into her past has led me to believe that perhaps I am the ONLY guy who has ever been nice to her. Will I ever measure up equally in bed? Be #1 in her life and #1 in bed? Because I cannot think of being the second best now that i know how much she liked having sex with her ex (I think some guys would agree with me here). Call it male ego.

 

All her past hookups have been awful and she has been unhappy. Is that the way she likes it? wants it? I am more into emotional stuff but I do get sex crazy from time to time. Am I even making any sense?

[caro33]

I'm sure others will hammer you for reading the diary, and I agree it was wrong. I cannot guarantee I would have not done the same thing though, particularly if I was having doubts. Wrong as it is. So let's leave that there.

 

Let's also leave aside the sex thing for a minute. Okay, she likes it. And she's still with you right? You can't be that bad.

 

But for me the biggest issue is: can you get past this? You cannot unring this bell - you have gone through her most personal stuff. Can you forget what she said? Do you think it's fair you read this and she doesn't know? How will you reading her diary affect you both now?

 

I also am interested - you saw the real her when you read that. Put aside your insecurity about the sex, and ask yourself honestly: did you like the person who felt/wrote those things? What did that stuff make you feel about her as a person?

[CarnelianButterfly]

Snooping is bad.

 

That said, why would you want to be the only guy that's been nice to her and then dump her because she's had a rough past. You could very well be the guy she's been hoping for, someone who cares about her and not just the sex she can give them. Look at the person you're with NOW. Is she the same as the person who wrote those things or is she trying to find a happy stable relationship?

[saberman3000]

But for me the biggest issue is: can you get past this? You cannot unring this bell - you have gone through her most personal stuff. Can you forget what she said? Do you think it's fair you read this and she doesn't know? How will you reading her diary affect you both now?

 

I also am interested - you saw the real her when you read that. Put aside your insecurity about the sex, and ask yourself honestly: did you like the person who felt/wrote those things? What did that stuff make you feel about her as a person?

 

I am trying. Wed night I was the meanest S.O.B. I was back in my place and she was missing me all day and was happy to talk to me and very cheerful that I was going to see her soon.

 

And I started behaving weirdly on the phone and asked her the questions in my first post. Do I measure up? This got her all upset and she cried. I could not fathom her pain and I acted weird all night. She hung up crying. I felt a pit in my stomach and called her back after a few hours and apologized.

 

She has been true and honest with me all along and so have I. We love each other a lot. She is a sort of independent woman and does not need a man to take care of her (other than sexual needs) but I think she is vulnerable.

 

As a man, it think its all in our ego's that we feel we should take care of our women but with her, I know its not the case. She likes me, loves me...if I go away, she will probably cry for a month or 2 but will move on.

 

Having said that, I think reading her diary has opened my eyes to a whole new person. I KNOW that I am the best man she ever had. I KNOW she likes me over all other and thats why she is with me. I KNOW I make her happy. I KNOW she dreams about me all the time. She may have been confused or lonely when she did those things but with my help, I think we have it in us to make a stronger connection and have a GREAT life (sex, et al.) ahead.

 

As far as telling her I read her intimate thoughts, I think that would always be between me and you.

[caro33]

Having said that, I think reading her diary has opened my eyes to a whole new person. I KNOW that I am the best man she ever had. I KNOW she likes me over all other and thats why she is with me. I KNOW I make her happy. I KNOW she dreams about me all the time. She may have been confused or lonely when she did those things but with my help, I think we have it in us to make a stronger connection and have a GREAT life (sex, et al.) ahead.

 

As far as telling her I read her intimate thoughts, I think that would always be between me and you.

 

Yes I can't see it ending happily if you told her, but if this is a situation we chalk up to experience you have to make a solemn promise to yourself to let this go. You cannot, you MUST not punish her for thoughts she expressed TO HERSELF, many of which she did before she met you. You need to do whatever is in your power to reign your ego in and deal with this situation - the situation YOU created.

 

Read the para of your post I have selected above. Read it again, and then again. Commit it to memory and tell it to yourself when you go to sleep at night, and again in the morning. You have already hit upon the answer I think.

 

Love the poor girl, she sounds like she needs some real love. Your challenge is to be worthy of her, not to judge her or judge yourself against some ridiculous benchmark. I think 'loving boyfriend who wants to please his woman' is a much better definition of saberman3000 than 'sex crazed abuser'. Don't compare yourself unfavourably to the jerk who did her wrong under any circumstances.

[candy604]

A person stays with another person who abuses them for different reasons. Alot of vicitms feel trapped etc..it's a viscous psychological cycle. So she probably doesn't understand? She's been treated badly in the past so it becomes a cycle of acceptance to her and she doesn't know better ( perhaps trying to make the best of what crappy situation she has) until you came along.

 

Also if she loves you, cares for you etc..i wouldn't worry too much about u being good enough for her. Obviously your good for her b/c she is still with you. Don't break her heart! Leave the past alone and just focus on your relationship with her or else it'll become a big problem. Just take down your ego and be proud that you have such a wonderful gf.

[Momene]

Good sex alone may keep a relationship going for a few weeks or months, not for 4 years.

[Goblin]

Hey buddy,

 

If a girl comes to you just for sex then its not right!

 

If you sincerely and truly love this girl, dont think too much whether ure good in bed with her.

 

Focus on how to heal her and make her a better person. Trust me, that will bring a far more better and stronger relationship than just a relationship for sex. A relationship is just not abt sex bro. Its more than that...

 

She has probably learnt from her past mistakes and want to start afresh and know what. Of course sex would be in her head alot of times because shes been doing it often with the ex. Give her a chance by showing her what true love is. Show that you are sincere at heart. By doing this, she will see more whats out there with your help.

 

Good luck!

[Joneysnai]

look at it this way, u were not even in her life when she was with her x so it shouldn't matter to u if the sex was good for her. it would be unrealistic to say she didn't have good sex before your time because she is much older then u and have more experience but know that she is with u now and that is what matters to her.

 

i find that in talking about past lovers/boyfriends it doesn't do any good when u start talking about the bedroom. whether the guy or girl likes it or not they will feel like they can't please their current partner.

 

something similar to my boyfriend. he started asking about my past relationships and i told him about an incident that happened, he wanted to know about the sex and i told him, although it wasn't anything good or memorable, he got it stuck in his head and had withdrew from me for a few days. he told me he felt like hearing my story he isn't special and he is just like everyone else, he doesn't feel like he can please me and i tell him.

 

u weren't in the picture, this is my past, u wanted me to be honest with u and i was about it but it means nothing to me now. it shouldn't bother u because u do satisfy me, blah blah blah. after talking to him for a couple of days he came out of that stage of "not being able to satisfy". for us, i can honestly say the best way we dealt with it was by talking about how he felt and how i felt at the time and just making it crystal clear to each other on where we're at when it comes to pleasing each other in the bedroom.

 

if u haven't spoken to her about how you feel, u should start, it really helps.