Am I Stupid to Hold On? (sorry, very long)

[newyork]

Hi everyone. I was very painfully hurt recently. I started trolling the web looking for answers and found this site. I'm almost embarrased to be hurting so much and no matter who I talk to, friends or family, I can't seem to find any comfort or forget the pain and loss I've been dealing with for nearly two months now. I know I'm going to rant but please someone listen to a devastated person's cry for a friendly ear.

 

My girlfriend and I had been going out for nearly 5 years, ever since the middle of my sophomore year in college. I really thought (and still think) she was (is) the one, and even considered proposing a few times. We are by far each other's longest relationships and have been very happy and deeply in love, so I thought. She is currently in her third year of medical school, a time when she has to go on rotations, which usually entails her waking up at 6 am and getting home past 10 pm some days. It is a very rigorous daily routine and it will only get harder. Last year I went away for my Masters at a University 6 hrs away and though I tried to make it home most weekends, by the time things got academically hectic I was spending well over two weeks without seeing her and even phone conversations were getting very short due to our schedules. It was only for 1 school year, however. When I moved back home I spent a month at home (at which time due to her schedule I saw her maybe once a week) before going on a two week vacation to Germany with my mother. When I got back I found out my Aunt had died and we immediately packed our bags and flew out to the Philippines were we stayed another 3 weeks grieving (it was also my first time back in nearly 12 years). When I finally got back to NY I had to deal with having to make up the lost time looking for a job in a post 9/11 economy. Needless to say I was depressed about the family loss and my inability to land a job immediately after graduation and was very whiny and needy. It was the middle of August. Needless to say we had been spending a lot of time apart. By this time I was seeing her maybe five hours a week in between her getting out of the hospital at 7:00 and bedtime at 12. She was taking naps while I was with her. I thought things were still OK. In September we celebrated her B-Day happily in bed. In October she was deep into her surgery rotation, the most intense for her yet and I started noticing her lose interest. Her grandfather died and she failed her surgery final all within the month of October and the first week of November.

 

Then it came like bitter rain, painful words we all dread to hear, " I need a break", "I don't have time for a relationship", "This isn't working for me", "I still love you, but I need time for me." "Right now, I can't see us working." During our last real days as a couple together, before we really broke up, she called me in the middle of the night to say she still loved me. We saw each other one last time as bf/gf after that, where we were intimate and she sobbed uncontrollably as I left. She says we have little in common now and that we've grown apart, and I can agree with that, but I am still madly in love with her. I am so willing to try and work something out. She is so entrenched in my soul and my heart that losing her has truly destroyed me. She was so much to me for so long a time. It is a miracle that just as we were breaking up in November I got a great job, a dream job actually, and am now living on my own in Manhattan. I can just imagine the horrible double whammy of losing her and being unemployed. We went on like that for a month until I heard her say the worst thing yet on Thanksgiving. I asked her if there was someone else, she said, "No, but we should be allowed to see other people, I don't want to keep you on a string." The pieces of my already broken heart were ground into powder. I've seen her three times since the storm broke in early November and talked to her several times in the last two months. She's on a rare two week vacation now. She called me and we exchanged presents the day after Christmas. She acts so distant now, yet she agrees that we want each other in our lives, perhaps as best friends. I hugged her a lot. She seems to try to avoid seeing me now, though she said she'd see me sometime next week. I think she doesn't tell me the whole truth and that she is being cordial. I'd like to believe she still loves me, like she says, but she's really acting "cool" around me the last couple of times I've seen her. I know the last thing most people want to do is see the person they dumped but I can't seem to let her out of my thoughts. She's the type who hates to hurt other people and really avoids confrontations. I really try hard not to call her and I've been good about that. I can't let go of her. This has been the toughest breakup I've ever had to deal with because the end isn't so clear cut... no closure. I'm still not sure what happened. She says it's been coming slowly, It was so sudden for me. I still love her so very much and I think of ways to get her to try and work things out, to get her back all without pressing too hard, because I'm afraid she'll just get rid of me completely (though I'm not sure she would do so immediately). Work takes the edge of things but I don't want it to end this way. I know there will be a lot of regret in the future even if she doesn't think so. I don't know what to do. I don't want to seem selfish and push her at the same time I feel betrayed and that she's just telling me she still cares because that's what I want to hear. Maybe she still cares, but no longer loves. Maybe she just doesn't want to hurt me and say she's simply fallen out of love with me and wants to meet other people. She's not the type to plot like that, though. Confusion reigns and sadness pervades my free time. I don't want us to grow further apart. I don't want to lose my first true love. I don't know if I should keep holding on. Has she moved on and left me behind? Please can someone help me ease my heart and mind with a few kind words.

 

Thank you for your time and It's a truly wonderful thing that this forum exists.

[andromeda]

Hi. I just wanted to say I know what you're going through. I was with my girlfriend for three yrs and was doing research on engagement rings when she cheated on me (not sexually, as she was a virgin and remained so as we tried to "patch things up," which was her way of trying to not be hated by me). A year later, she's starting to see other people and, although it pains me that she is (especially since we get together when she wants to see me) and I have been trying my hand at seeing other people.

 

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I really am. To get so far into a relationship and call it quits without working at it really is a weak out. I don't know your lady, but it's a weak out in any case. I can't be sure of the specifics (my girlfriend needed space even when she was alone all day). Tell you the truth, she's still distant unless it suits her.

 

Can I give you some advice? I'm typing this now, but I don't remember how long ago you said the breakup was. There are things that have helped me, and I'll list them in order of importance.

 

1) You have a right to be angry. She failed you. I'm sure she's a nice person, and this doesn't make her bad, but she doesn't sound like someone who can deal with struggle when the chips are down. Yes, med school is a --I totally agree--but you were more than understanding. You are not to blame here; you are the last one, if there is any blame to be laid.

 

2) If you weren't a unit and had outside friends that weren't shared, spend time with them. No matter how painful it is, you must continue your other relationships. If you share all your friends, then use your hobbies as your salvation. Do you like to read? Go to bookstores, library, and especially readings. You meet people at readings.

 

3) There's a site I've met several nice women on--I don't know if I'll get sued for using the name here, but it's salon, and they have a sidebar for personals. Click on it. You'll be doing yourself a favor. There are a LOT of great women who are looking for nice men like you and, in dating, it's good to think about the things that bothered you most about your ex, that avoid such qualities in potential mates. I swear to god, there a LOT of great women in NY who are looking; I wish I were there, but I can't afford to live there.

 

The most important thing is: THINK IN TERMS OF YOURSELF. Not her. Not you and her. You, my friend, you. Take care of yourself first. You're the best friend you have. If it's right, and you go on different paths, she will eventually miss you. But you'll have some very heavy things to talk about, like why she left you when the going got tough if it, indeed, did get tough for her. Yes, med school is tough, I know; so is interning. But when the chips are down, love is stronger than any physical reality of life because its very quality makes it inexplicible. Who can say why we love someone? Just don't deify her and put her on a pedestal--she failed you. Simple as that.

 

Be well. I'm going through it. I still have feelings for my ex, but some part of me knows I can't always respond to her phone calls, and I can't be there for her. She took care of her needs by breaking it off with me. Now I need to take care of my needs.

 

I hope this helps.

[newyork]

Thank you very much for the reply. You made a lot of sense. It's been almost two months and counting and I'm really hurt that she didn't really feel there was any hope and that she had to choose one or the other. I wish I could talk to someone else in or having already gone through their third year of Medical School so I can really gauge what seems to have happened. I know most people will say that as soon as you hear "I need to focus on my career" it's a clear cut sign that your partner is no longer interested in romance with you. But, it really has been taxing for her and I know she feels a bit trapped. I know I've had my hard times academically but those were in no way as life or death as medical school and the pressure of getting into a good hospital close to home for your residency. My father is a doctor, my uncles, and my grandfather and greatgrandfathers. I saw what it does, thank God I chose to do something else with my life. Are the answers as clear as day and I simply refuse to believe out of love for her? She still says she loves me and is sorry that she can't be with me. What kind of love is that? Weak? Cheap? Stunted? Or is it as simple as she just wants out?

[andromeda]

Med school is tough and intense, no doubt about it. I lost my ties with a good friend when she began her internship.

 

But enough about her. You have your answer in black-and-white, and it's no good to try and mindread what she's saying, because you'll never know what she really thinks, and without a definite answer (which you'll never have), you'll go mad. I had to seek counseling because I became so obsessed with finding out why my ex went astray. Don't do it to yourself. You have the answer to your questions, and it's "no." Move on; if it's right, she'll come back and declare her love (yes, she will; many friends have seen this happen, but they moved on and dated. After two months? you say. Yes. And it didn't mean they didn't care, they just wallowed in pain and uncertainty and knew it was a vicious circle they had gotten trapped in).

 

1) Go on Salon. This is a personals site for intelligent people, and it's free to put a profile up. Look for girls who want "friendship", too. That's the best way to start. You don't have the pressure of dating, and if you find you want to eventually, you can state your case. Best of both worlds, pal. Believe me. Just having a woman in your company to pal around with helps. It helped me immeasurably, and though I still have pangs from time to time--my ex still calls and wants to be friends, but wants to cuddle, too--I find it easier to be with other women.

 

2) What did you do for fun before you met her? Take it up again.

 

I know it's hard because you'd built a life around having her in it. I did, too, but swallow your sadness and get angry if it helps. Not violent, just angry. And be proactive in those things that give you pleasure and make you feel fulfilled.

 

Hopefully, the next time I hear from you, you'll have told me you put your profile up on Salon. Look around on the site. And go for women looking for friendships first. It'll help, buddy. I promise.

 

Be well.

andromeda

[andromeda]

You're not stupid for holding on. Everyone does. If you'd broken up with her, she'd be holding on.

 

Take care.

[newyork]

Thanks again for the support and kind words. You must really like that Salon site (I already signed up). I'm still not there yet though because as much as I know everything seems to be black and white and clear cut the voice in my head still compels me not to give up on this woman I love very dearly. Medical school and time-apart were/are very bad things for the relationship. I know I can get someone else possibly even better with fewer faults. That's not an issue. I know I'm smart (had a full scholarship to Cornell for Engineering grad school), decent looking, and thanks to the breakup I've even lost 10 more pounds since I got out of grad school (20 pounds altogether) and can finally start working on getting that 6 pack (take that ex-girlfriend!). I have a lot of self-confidence, my own new york city apartment that isn't a hole in the wall and has a bathtub and a roof terrace out in the back, and a job I really enjoy doing everyday (except when they give me nothing much to do). BUT, I am still missing the person I love. She says she'll see me next week. I know I'm playing with fire but........ I want her in my life. I guess I'll settle for friends right now but that's a start. It'll hurt if she starts dating but who the hell has time for that in Med School, even though she's so pretty, I'm sure there will be suitors.

 

Maybe realistically sometimes love isn't always the only factor in breaking up. Life is hectic. Sometimes we blow a fuse. But the future is fraught with possibilities and she never closed the door completely (maybe I am a safety? Nah, I'm the best guy she'll ever have). I love her so much I can't help myself to see that just maybe we still have a smoldering ember that can be reignited into a great inferno. Maybe I'm not stupid for holding on (thanks that was reaffirming to hear), but I am most definitely a fool still in love.