ouchie!

[virgo25]

Hey all! Ive been on the boards for a while, mostly reading about other peoples experiences and it has really helped me and I just want to thank everybody for sharing their experiences, since its given me hope that soon enough I will be okay, move on and come out stronger in the end.

 

Alittle background on my situation-about two weeks ago I broke up with my now ex bf of two years, we were very close friends for about one year before we started dating. We started off great..but soon problems arised and although we tried to fix them, things were just not working out (it's very hard to get somebody to meet you halfway when theyre extremely stubborn!) so we broke up. However, he was heartbroken, as was I, about the breakup and we decided to give it another shot since he promised he would try to work on areas which he admitted he had problems in (i.e. communication, making me a priority in his life, showing affection, putting in effort into the relationship, romance, etc.) okay, actually thats quite a few problems now that ive listed them all lol anyways, so we got back together this summer and things were going good but there were still underlying unresolved issues..

 

We had a fight about an issue in December and decided to go on a break but I think we both knew in our hearts that it was going to end..during that time we did not talk much and if we did..it would always end up in a fight (when I would try to talk to him..he would stop me and say "just before you start complaining..know that youre looking for a fight and youre going to get one") so with that kind of attitude I just felt like we werent going to be to get on the path to resolving our issues in a positive way when one side already had the notion that it was going end in a negative fight and not some type of resolution..the only and last resort I could think of was to talk to a couples counsellor and he flat out said no because he "didnt think it would work" but has never been to one before..his only suggestion for a resolution to our problems was for me to "stop being so emotional and just be like him, not bring up any issues and just accept everything" after I heard that I was pretty much decided that if he wasnt willing and ready to fight for us at this point and talk about our problems..what would happen when we came to face bigger issues later on in life? (we both had talked about marriage and children) As well, there has been alot of hurt in the past two years between the two of us (not saying I didn't hurt him but mine was never intentionally and I tried to always explain and apologize for the hurt I caused) but some of things which I found out about..were extremely painful especially when I learned about the way he spoke about me behind my back to a girl who used to be his "friend with benefits", he claimed he would stop talking to her but I later found out that he still did, however I let that all go and forgave him and trusted him for the sake of our relationship to work out, anywho basically a lot of water under the bridge.

 

Anywho, so now its been two weeks..and NC..ive been pretty proud of myself since even though I saw him twice (at bday parties because we all have the same mutual friends) I was civil and only said hi and bye and nothing more..no phone calls, chats, ims, texts..nada! the only thing that I did, which im not proud of cause I was doing really well, is that I checked his facebook profile..and I guess it just kinda hit me today..when I saw that his status was noted down as single. I just didnt expect it to hit me so hard..seeing the word "single" next to his name..im not gonna lie cause I do miss him, especially having that person to share things with, talk to, hang out and cuddle with..but I know in the end that he did not have the ability nor wanted to try to make the effort to treat me the way I deserve to be treated..just *sigh* it was hard to see that lol

 

I told him that I thought it would be better if we didnt talk for a while, he said he still wanted to talk, but I said it will take us a while to actually be able to become friends since if we went right into talking as "just friends" from "a couple" we would be lying to ourselves since our emotions would not have changed for each other..he agreed although he said that he was ready to talk me and wanted to..but I resisted and said I wanted some time to just become ourselves again and leave behind the "couple" mentality which we had for so long towards each other..

 

We did talk about exchanging our stuff, well I brought it up in our final conversation, and we said we would pick a date and exchange the stuff (I was ready to just drop it off with his parents and pick up my stuff but he said he wanted to see me) I agreed to that since I know right now I am strong enough to not let anything happen, I gave him his second chance and he didn't care enough to take full advantage of it so there is no third chance now. So I told him I was available last week and waited for a reply (via email) but so far I haven't heard anything. I'm just wondering how much longer I should wait til I contact him again about the stuff? (this is stuff which I do need, trust me if I didn't need it I wouldn't be contacting him) I also have his stuff and want to end this maturely and in a civil way and want to return his stuff. As well, I know he is lazy and unless I bring it up (like all of our issues and one of our major communication problems) he will not bring up it up and will avoid it like the plague.

 

Sorry about the long post, it just feels good to get it all out of my head even though I have amazing friends and family who are always willing to lend an ear and make me feel better..just felt like sharing since just reading this board has helped me out already and any thoughts, comments, support would be appreciated. Thanks for reading and take care!

[TeachIt]

Hey Miss Virgo.

 

Let me tell you something...two years ago, I was your guy. I had a wonderful relationship with a girl for two years, and I had the exact same issues your ex did (i.e. lack of communication, etc) which made every conversation with my girl difficult. She stated that there were things I needed to work on. I told her to lighten up and not takes things so personal (which I think is the EXACT same thing your ex said to you).

 

In fact, I was the one who needed to grow up. She was right. In your current situaion, YOU are right, and even though you've made attempts to fix things by encouraging couples conseling, etc, it sounds as though he may have to learn the hard way in order to realize that HE's the one who needs to grow up and approach things between you two from the perspective of a mature adult.

 

Give him some time to figure that out...by completely cutting him out. He may figure out that he was the one in the wrong, and he will learn from it, but prepared that he may end up learning from his mistakes with someone else down the road, but he also, in due time, may realize his mistakes and come back to you. On the other hand, he may never grow up and approach things from the perspective of an adult, and if that's the case (and I know you love him), would you really want to be with someone who approaches conflict in that way?

 

I know how you're feeling girl, because I did the same to someone I loved...it took me some time to realize it, unfortunately, for me, it was after she'd already gone.

 

Stay strong - the answers will come in time.

[honeyspur]

Wow your guy sounds a lot like mine ( especially his statement about how you should be like him and accept everything.)

 

On some level he is right. On some level he is not.

It is true that you must let go of issues and accept on some level that some things are not that important to him and not make a judgement on his character. No one is better than anyone else in their beliefs and needs.

In a literal sense, their are no "rights" on how someone should treat you, other than physical, verbal and mental abuse and cheating. (Not agreeing to your needs is not abuse - it's an opinion)

 

But, where he is wrong is that you should bend to his will and not express your feelings. This is why it is wise to not get back together with him.

It is very mature and intelligent AND healthy for you to know what you want out of a relationship and accept nothing less. Your ex has issues with confrontation. He can't take the heat. Is is best to accept he needs to be alone to figure this out.

 

Your pain is justified. Yet you will have to work towards forgiveness and acceptance in order to release the pain.

BUT, you must allow yourself pain in order to get to the forgiveness/acceptance. It's a process.

 

Take Superdave's NC challenge.

 

Begin your journal to progress towards healing -

 

Give plenty of advice - it will be reflected back at you and you'll realize you know all the advice you need to follow.

 

Get rid of any ties to him through cell phone/email/messenger - if he wants to work it out, he'll find a creative way to find you and get back together - and this is the only way you should take him back.

 

You are an intelligent, level-headed person, so doing irrational things will keep you spiraling in turmoil or create new anxiety. Give yourself the care he did not give.

[audrey28]

hi virgo25. i know very well what you went through....that feeling that you tried so hard and you are already tired of putting in the effort. enough is enough! i can also relate to your frustration when he said you should just change and be more like him....

 

people are very different- personalities, upbringing etc etc. but despite that, a lot of the problems in relationships ARE relationship issues (not personality issues), which can be resolved if both your core principles are geared towards the same direction...or at the very least, you understand and respect your differences.

 

i know these things are so easy to pinpoint if you're the outsider looking in. but from my own experience, i know it's not that simple. we have feelings and attachments and ideals that we can't let go of. it's hard to reconcile that the people we love and care about are not necessarily right for us at the stage they are now, or at the stage we are now, or ever.

 

we just really have to love ourselves and think long term. we all deserve to be happy and to have healthy relationships!

[virgo25]

Hey Mr. Teach,

Thanks for the message and positive words, I really do appreciate it. It's nice to hear feedback from somebody who has gone through the same experience but from the other person's perspective. And I totally agree when you say that he has to grow up, there are definitely issues of maturity since time after time he has refused to talk about our issues or attempt to get help to learn how to communicate and work on our other issues. I guess only time will tell what happens, but you're right and I agree that I am making this decision because I want to be with somebody who does take an adult perspective to dealing with problems and does not want to avoid or not confront them, and I don't want to be with somebody who handles conflicts this way, thats for sure. As much as I love him and care about him, at times being with him and having to go through those painful fights and experiences (which wouldn't have been so hurtful if we were just able to listen and talk with each other) were really heartbreaking and not worth it.

 

My plan is to cut him out, even though the last time we talked he insisted that we remain friends and continue talking but I told him that we both needed our space and time to become individuals again, cause you can't just flick off a switch and go from a couple to friends. I do have to meet him again though, prolly sometime next week, since we have do the exchange of goods. I really don't think that he will ask for another chance, cause the last time we talked he said that he wouldn't be come crying back again (last time he did lol) and I wouldn't want that, since I know that until he realizes, acknowledges and agrees to work on ur issues that he will not change. *sigh* It's definitely a hard thing to go through, especially when the other person was your best friend but I've been reading alot and I've got some great advice from this site (and from you!) about how to go about getting over this phase and moving on. Part of me wants for him to realize what he's lost and to reconcile but the other half is excited and wants to move on and be with somebody who will treat me the way I deserve (i.e. communication, effort and affection), I guess it's just the long history we have together that makes me nostalgic..

Anywho, I'm going to stop now, cause I can go on and on lol But thanks for listening and for replying, it helps to know that somebody out there is supporting you I'll keep you updated with what happens after the exchange of goods.

[virgo25]

HI Honeyspur,

Thanks for replying and for all your helpful advice, it means a lot and is definitely valid! I agree when you say that we have to learn to accept certain things about the other person in a relationship, and to some degree I did, for example the whole romance thing, I understood and okay he wasn't that type of guy but he had a bunch of other great qualities in him. But there are just certain foundation issues (i.e. communication, showing affection, effort-making plans and showing the other person that you actually want to be with them) which are just necessary and without them it makes for a weak relationship. It was all there when we first started going out and then after our first fight he "changed himself" to protect himself from getting hurt and turned cold and distant in a way. I would always tell him that I miss the "old him" and he would reply "well you're the one who changed him..".

 

You've hit the nail on the head when you say that he has confrontation issues, he avoids them like no tomorrow. When it comes to be trying to express myself and or tell him something that hurt me, he immediately things im "complaining, * * * * *ing, nagging or putting him down". When I try to explain to him that I just want him to be aware of how I'm feeling, he refuses to listen and gets defensive instead or throws a comment back to me about something that I did in the past which hurt him.

 

I know right now this is the best thing, cause you said it best, I'm going to focus on giving myself the care that he didn't. I deleted the majority of our pictures and msn conversations (boy we talked alot but somehow couldn't talk about "us" lol i remember how there would be time that I would say I love you or I miss you or I care about you and I would get a "cool" or "okay" or just silence in return, gosh that felt * * * *ty lol but he would claim that he did love me when I would try to talk to him about that) I'm also reading alot, trying to figure out some things about myself, how to forgive and move on and accept the situation as what it really is (I have a bad habit of sometimes drifting off and imaging what it would be like if we got back together, especially when I'm driving lol)

 

Thanks for the links, I will be sure to use the journal and the NC challenge (after I get my stuff back). But I think the best thing for both of us right now is to be apart and reflect and gain some insight into ourselves and our relationship-the good and the bad. As well, thanks for your comment "your pain is justified", so many times he would tell me that you're just being overemotional and dramatic and that normal girls wouldn't be getting upset, but I really feel that my demands aren't outrageous or crazy (I'm not asking for pearls and fancy dinners).

 

Thanks again Honeyspur for your comments, they really struck a chord and helped with some new realizations, appreciation that there are other people out there who have gone through the same thing and are okay. Thank you!

[tbone22]

Yesterday me and my boyfriend just broke up... I was in the same situation as you, at first we thought we would take a break but I am thinking that this is a breakup. Right now I want to be with him but I know in my head that its not a good idea. I brought up issues with our relationship to him and all he would do was tell me to stop complaining and nagging all the time, I couldn't even express myself and communicate with him, it hurts after awhile to keep issues inside and have someone criticize you for trying to make the relationship better. I talked to him today and he seemed so happy about the decision and I feel so hurt because I did soo much for him, too much and it just goes to show you that he just took that for granted. How did you deal with the break up? Right now I just can't stop crying and thinking... why is he so happy? it feels like he doesn't need me in his life... 2 1/2 years just gone down the drain, like its just so easy to get over. Plus I dont even have a good support system, I don't even know who to talk to about this.

[pinkelephant]

You've hit the nail on the head when you say that he has confrontation issues, he avoids them like no tomorrow. When it comes to be trying to express myself and or tell him something that hurt me, he immediately things im "complaining, *****ing, nagging or putting him down". When I try to explain to him that I just want him to be aware of how I'm feeling, he refuses to listen and gets defensive instead or throws a comment back to me about something that I did in the past which hurt him.

 

 

OMG. maybe you were dating my ex. seriously. that's him to a T.

[honeyspur]

Thanks again Honeyspur for your comments, they really struck a chord and helped with some new realizations, appreciation that there are other people out there who have gone through the same thing and are okay. Thank you!

 

You are so welcome! I hope you will keep us updated on how you're doing.

[virgo25]

Hey audrey, thanks for your reply, I really do appreciate your words of support and insight. Its comforting to know that others have gone travelling down the same path. I know exactly how you feel when you say that you feel like you tried and exhausted every avenue to try to solve your problems but the other person just takes a back seat approach, its very emotionally draining. And I agree, in some agrees our outlook and way of thinking is very much alike, but its also very different on some topics i.e. relationships Where he feels and has told me that a relationship should not be work, I feel that is and the more you put into it the more you can get out but not everybody has the same outlook nor the willingness to put in the same amt of effort into a relationship. It is very hard to let go, especially when this person has had such a huge impact on your life, he was my first love and we went through that experience together. It's just a matter of letting go and realizing that what you had was in the past.

[virgo25]

Tbone, firstly, sorry about your situation. I know what it feels like and just keep faith that things will get better. Time is an excellent healer. As for your support system, the people on these boards are awesome and I would highly recommend that you read Honeyspur's reply and also the articles on this website about how to understand the emotions that you're feeling because of the breakup and how to deal with moving on.

As for his response, I've been through that as well. When we first broke up, he was heartbroken and we both were crying and upset about it. But this time, even though I was quite upset and crying (although I didn't want to) he seemed fine. I saw him this weekend at a friends bday party (we have theh same mutual friends) and it was difficult seeing him being normal and happy, apparently the weekend after we broke up he went away with some friends and I heard through the grapewine that he had danced with some girls. Not sure if its entirely true, but it stinks to hear that or like in your situation, to have him act as if he's happy about the break up. Just keep faith, and focus on yourself, not him. You need the care, love and attention from yourself. As well, as TeachIt said, you don't really know what he's going through, maybe in the future he will realize what he lost, maybe he'll realize this with somebody else or maybe he'll never realize it-now is your time to focus on yourself and gain some insight on you. He may be acting as if he's happy-to cover up the pain? to act as if it doesn't really bother him? Sometimes it takes guys a while to realize what they have, especially after they lose it. I know before my ex and I started going out, we got into a little tiff (I thought we were starting to date and he wasn't that into it-too distracted by his video games) so I gave him the cold shoulder and stopped talking to him, two months later it hit him how much he realized me and he finally got his act together and asked me out and told me that he loved me. So, basically, you don't know what the future holds for you, for him and for your relationship. Right now, I would suggest that instead of putting all of your focus,energy and thoughts on what went wrong and on him, direct it towards yourself. Do something for yourself, distract yourself with this board, friends, family, working, the gym, art or my favourite-retail therapy!

Honeyspur said it best, give yourself the care that he didn't.

Hope this helps Tbone, keep me updated!

[virgo25]

You've hit the nail on the head when you say that he has confrontation issues, he avoids them like no tomorrow. When it comes to be trying to express myself and or tell him something that hurt me, he immediately things im "complaining, *****ing, nagging or putting him down". When I try to explain to him that I just want him to be aware of how I'm feeling, he refuses to listen and gets defensive instead or throws a comment back to me about something that I did in the past which hurt him.

 

 

OMG. maybe you were dating my ex. seriously. that's him to a T.

 

lol I think there's a bunch of them around, same issues just different bodies. It seems like I'm not the first to be with somebody like that, and it's very hard to make things work when you're basically trying to reason with a wall who will either just not respond or tell you that you're not justified in how you feel.

 

Let me tell you what happened in our last fight and which basically made me feel at my wits end and decide to end this for once. It was an issue over drives, we live about half a hour away from each other. He cherishes his car and doesn't like wasting his precious 91 octane gas or putting excessive kms on his baby. In the past, when I have asked for rides, I would feel *so* guilty for asking and would always offer to pay for gas (I once paid to fill up his gas tank, damn V6 engines! lol) because he would make a comment like "ahh..fine okay..this is gonna kill my gas" or "oh man..you live so far away, thats gonna be like another hour of driving for me", etc. So I was going over for his mom's birthday party to help with setup and I wasn't able to get a hold of my car for the day. My sister said, "well can't you ask him for a drive?" and I just cringed, knowing that his response would not be positive. So I asked him if it would be okay if I could get a ride for him (and just for reference, I have always offered, even before he would ask me, to give him rides even though it means an extra hour out of my way or killing my gas because to me, hes worth the time and money and I love having the chance to be with him) I even offered this time to pay for gas cause I felt guilty, he said no that it was fine and then said that since he has some relatives who live closer to me than him he could ask them to drive me. I said no, thinking to myself, that I asked you-my BF for a drive I didn't ask your relatives to drive me home, I'm his responsibility not theirs. Anywho, I finally got my car and was able to drive over and helped with the party and went all out to make sure things went smoothly for the party (btw, I love his parents even though we're not together anymore I still talk to his mom via email once a week or so, they're super amazing ppl).

 

So, at the end of the night, after the party, he was driving me back to my car, I took his hand and said "Hun, there was something that happened today that bothered me and I wanted to talk to you about it." He had mentioned in the past, that I have attitude in my voice sometimes and talk down to him, so I made sure I was sweet and neutral. His reply, "Well, thats a shame.." Im like okay, not gonna let it bother me, so I explained to him the situation, of how I felt guilty asking him for rides becuase of his comments and that I always felt like before he would even ask me, I would offer him but I didn't feel the same in return, it felt like I wasn't worth the gas, kms, or wear and tear on his car or that spending that extra hour with me was a waste of his time. He didn't reply to me and when he finally did, he brought up another situation which happened in the past regarding rides but was related more to my family than us. I asked him why he was bringing up an unrelated situation and if he understood what I was trying to say and why I felt this way, but he started to raise his voice and basically yelling at me in the car.

 

At that point, I just broke down and felt helpless. I had read all these articles on how to communicate and the importance of "I" statements and how not to blame the other person but explain it to them and tried to be sweet and just talk about the issue but it resulted in him yelling at me when all I was trying to do was talk, I wasn't looking for a fight as he would often say to me. I tried to get him to calm down and just talk but it didn't really work and basically I left the car in tears and drove home. At that point, driving back on the highway yet another time in tears, knowing that he wouldn't call and try to check up on me or talk to me or apologize, I realized that the hurt was just too much, over stupid small things such as a RIDE! There just had been too many times and the same thing repeating itself and so many tears..and that this time, I wanted it to stop for good. So since then we didn't talk for a week or so, finally when I called him (because he will never be the one to call to try to fix things, unless I initiate it-very annoying as well!) we would just end up fighting and when I suggested the idea of maybe seeing a couples counsellor since we BOTH needed help with communication, listening and understanding each other better, he flat out said no. When I asked for what his suggestion was on making this work, he said, "just stop * * * * *in' and always complaining about things and just let things go". I told him that he can't keep running away from communicating with other ppl, I asked him what he would do if he had an issue with a friend, coworker or family member and it required him to communicate with them? He said he would never put himself in that situation. His answers/suggestions just made me shake my head and think, he has no idea nor does he want to be opened minded enough to try to explore avenues on how to deal with conflict and resolve it without having to fight about it. And as TeachIt said, I don't want to be with somebody who thinks this it the "adult" way on dealing with your problems in life, "just never put yourself in that situation or it'll just never happen to me cause I wouldn't let it." Anywho, sorry about the huge response, but does this not sound irrational to you? Any insight?

[pinkelephant]

Not irrational, at all. That's exactly how most of our conversations go too. He always blame EVERYTHING on me and make me feel like I'm completely at fault. I'd wonder about my communication problems, the things I do, it's just all my fault.

 

I just talked to him last night and THE SAME THING. He won't hear me out, and it's always "YOU dont get it blah blah blah".. UGH!

 

Thanks for the post. I just got reminded NOT to get back with him again. I hope it's smooth sailing for you from now on without that jerk.

[virgo25]

Not irrational, at all. That's exactly how most of our conversations go too. He always blame EVERYTHING on me and make me feel like I'm completely at fault. I'd wonder about my communication problems, the things I do, it's just all my fault.

 

I just talked to him last night and THE SAME THING. He won't hear me out, and it's always "YOU dont get it blah blah blah".. UGH!

 

Thanks for the post. I just got reminded NOT to get back with him again. I hope it's smooth sailing for you from now on without that jerk.

 

Honestly, I feel like I've tried every avenue to make our communication better. Evenjust improving myself, but for him he doesn't believe that he can improve his communication, his thought is just dont discuss it and it won't be a problem. He hears what I say but does not listen and that is another reason why we had so many issues. I just wished they could see the negative impact of their resistance to communication and listening is having on their loved ones. Well, it's now come to a point where he has lost me for good. Did you talk to your guy about maybe going to couples counselling, maybe to learn how to be better communicators and listeners? I tried to pitch that idea to my guy, as a last resort to keep us together, and he flat out said no, so for me that shows exactly how much he is willing to fight for us, and sadly, there was no will on his part. He said that he didn't want to break up but then didn't want to do anything to try to make things together, he just wanted to ignore the issues, childish and immature behaviour!!!

 

I hope you're strong enough and keep in mind that you don't deserve to be with somebody who treats you that way. No matter how much they claim to love you, cause if they truly loved you they wouldn't be treating you this way.

 

Also update, I emailed him on Wednesday since we still have to organize a date to exchange the goods, I emailed him about a week and half ago to try to set something up, he emailed me back, I responded but then I heard nothing back from him. He even said that he actually wanted to see me when we exchanged the goods (cause initially I was just going to leave it with his parents) but then shows no effort to try to organize a time/place. Maybe it's because he knows that once we get do the exchange there is no other excuse to talk/see each other? Anywho, question-when should I do next? I've already tried emailing him and so far, have gotten no response, should I call him? I don't know what to do and I want/need my stuff back since I need some items and I feel it will be our final goodbye/closure on our relationship as a couple. Any suggestions?