Where Do I Go From Here?

[lifestream]

Well, some of you may have read my earlier thread. I want to be with my first love again, (we were each other's first, selfless loves) however she is seeing someone else. We liked each other for a year, dated about 10 months have been broken up for a year and a half but still maintain contact here and there. Our conversations have generally been good and we both laugh quite a bit. She seems very open to speak with me when we meet on the bus or on campus.

 

I've read some philosophy over the course of the weekend and its helped a lot. I am complete on my own. I don't "need" to be attached to someone, but I am grateful for the love I do have with friends and family. I have stopped worrying about how I will fall in love again (with her or another) and have resigned myself to having faith that I will love again.

 

However, there are things I sincerely wish to get off my chest. I was to meet up with her on the 12th before classes. We set it up on monday and like the fool that I am, I didn't confirm with her the night before. I called her the day of and she was purchasing a textbook downtown. It's fine by me though, her studies are more important than her social life. (And she's forgotten to call even when we were dating so I refuse to worry)

 

Anyway, later in the conversation I said I'll just message her on facebook or something, after which she replied "You could always text my phone, that is if you remember "

 

 

Guys...next time I see her I want to tell her that I appreciate her company and the fact that we can still communicate and talk and would love to continue to do so on a platonic level. But she's been saying "If you remember" a lot in our conversations. I want to show her that I haven't forgotten our good times, that I'll cherish them with me for as long as I live, even if things remain different between us forever. I also want to tell her that I haven't forgotten the way we broke up and how I regret from the bottom of my heart that I ever treated another human being the way I treated her during our breakup, especially the person that meant the most to me and still means a lot in my life. I also wonder how to ask if she's truly happy, if she ever needs someone to catch her, I will...and that someday if she feels it in her heart, I would love to have a second chance with her. (Yeah, probably way too much)

 

I'm just wondering if I'll open old wounds if I say this...or how I would make such a transition to that part of the conversation...

[Relationship Coach]

If it is going to make you feel better, then do it. You have nothing to lose. The two of you are not dating, she's in a relationship and if you ruffle her feathers a little, it's harmless. Being friends as you are is tough because you read more in to the simple things that probably carry no meaning beyond their original intent.

 

RC

[lifestream]

But I don't know when the right time is. If I speak now, it may worry her and she really doesn't need that, as she is going through some very difficult courses in first year.

 

However...I also don't want to wait too long. Perhaps I should give this more time.

[stlyooper]

Well, you've made it a year and half without her in a dating relationship. You seem like you really have your life together and I completely understand cherishing someone enough that you wouldn't mind opening yourself up further to that person.

 

I agree that if you feel you need to say this, do it, you have nothing to lose. The best you can do is lay the ground work and open a door for the future, but don't expect to show her the door and have her walk right in. Be understanding of your own desires, but also respect her compassion and feelings. Simply let her know you still care and if she finds herself in a place where she would like to enjoy your personal company again, you would be open to it.

 

I guess what I'm really getting at is... I know how you feel, but she is in a relationship, so I wouldn't push anything between the two of you right now. In a perfect world, she might still love you and just drop her current beau and pick back up with a dating relationship with you that could blossom into much more again in the future. It's a 50/50 shot though, one that could just as easily backfire. While she might be the perfect girl for you, this other guy might be her perfect guy, or maybe over time, just more of a perfect guy for her then you might prove to be. It's nice to think she might leave him for you, but it would suck just as much if another 10 months down the road she resents you for it and throws it back in your face (even though she made the ultimate decision, life is funny like that).

 

See how the conversation and the meet up goes before exposing your heart. Maybe she's really not into this other guy... but don't make yourself the lone reason for their split. Follow your head on this one, not your heart... and I wish you luck!

[disgruntledbaker]

im on the bandwagon with this one. you're in really good shape right now, the sort of shape that can tolerate that horrible "no" answer. so if you can examine yourself and see that its something you're certain is worth a second go-around... go. the only thing worse than failure (and worse by a longshot) is regret in not even trying.

 

my only advice: life... is nothing like the movies. laying it on thick probably isn't the way to go. people tend to only remember one or two points in a conversation (major ones anway) so think carefully about what is most important to you to express and then state it clearly. don't make yourself look spread thin or desperate, theres nothing worse than the scent of desperation to destroy all attraction... keep yourself together, be as confident in yourself as you sound, and let her know what you want. and make sure you know how long you can wait for a response, because unless she sees this coming she may need some time to absorb. but NO ULTIMATIMS! don't give her a time limit, your waiting time is about you and what you're comfortable with.

 

i think thats my two cents and then some.

 

god i would kill to have your problems

[lifestream]

That's exactly how I feel. I don't want to break up what she has. If she's happy then it's not my place to ruin it, that would be completely selfish.

 

 

Just as a reference though, I generally do have quite a lot of my stuff together. I usually recall happy events and share happy times in my life with her, and I've been busy with a student club I'm running and pursuing my many interests.

 

But even if she were to break up with her boyfriend, I'd prefer a platonic relationship first. That's how we started, anyway.

 

And yes, I feel exactly the same way. Maybe I will be with her again, maybe in a year, maybe again only after ten years. Maybe never again. But I'm not closing myself to possibilities. I may meet someone better than her, but I will always cherish what we had as an experience I will never forget. I've grown and learned so much from the time we've spent apart and when I'm around her it feels like I've found an old friend again, and I want to share my experiences that I didn't have with her. But I also truly think that we are two people cut from the same cloth. It's very rare to meet people who shares almost all of your passions, and looking back, we did share much of the same passions. Some general passions were the will to succeed, thirst for knowledge, same taste in music, art, literature, movies, traveling, other cultures, and history.

 

I don't think I need to ask a response time. I'll lay it out there and if things line up, so be it. It may not though. She could break up with her boyfriend in two years, whereas I may be dating someone at that time. But maybe this is what she's been waiting for, a genuine apology and a heart felt connection.

 

But I agree. I think I'm going to take the road less traveled here. Life as spectator always seems perfect, and to live with regrets or things left unsaid isn't something I want...life is too precious and too short.

[lifestream]

So I spoke with her again today. It's really amazing how uncannily similar she and I are in most respects. We discussed life and the future, not about us, but life in general, where we want to go, what we thought about.

 

I told her about wondering whether I actually want to get into the vice of material progress, rather I'd prefer to live in a modest house with a modest income in a modest neighbourhood. She agreed wholeheartedly.

 

We then spoke about what we want to do with our lives. We're both taking roughly the same stream in university and I told her I also wondered if I want to get that deep into politics...rather I would like to teach overseas and perhaps just become a teacher as I enjoy teaching others. She agreed with that as well! Which I found very interesting, and she sounded very genuine.

 

She said she wasn't having that much fun in university, mainly because she hasn't met anyone outside of her boyfriend. But I can tell she does genuinely like him, and if she learned anything from dating me, she doesn't settle for something unless she believes in it. So I decided it wasn't my place to pry at her happiness for my own selfish gain.

 

I told her before moving off to class that I still appreciate the fact that we can still talk after all we've been through. She smiled and I gave her a hug.

 

I feel like I can finally move on. That's not to say we won't be friends or even involved with each other some years down the line, but I've resigned there's so much life left to live. Life is too short to be bitter at ex's, especially if they are genuinely good people. If I truly love her, I will let her go and live her life. That isn't romantic love, but in my opinion that is still a form of love.

I've decided not to look at this experience as being sad that our relationship is over, but being happy that it happened, that I was able to share my life with someone truly special. And now I'm ready to share it with another.

 

I feel so much lighter