Man this hurts and I cannot do NC, I know it!

[blender]

I've felt that kind of "regret" for my behavior towards someone I loved, why I got mad during my insecure fearful times, taking it all out on them..ugh..hate thinking about it..and wishing I could take back all my own less than stellar moments....but the good news is, I grew from learning this about myself.. and that is the "gift" of heartache.. we learn our own part/responsiblity in all of it.. and we discover not only what we "want and loved" about the relationship, but also what "behaviors/insecurities" we don't want to respeat for ourselves..

 

one day at a time, progress not pefection.. right?

 

Yep, that awful heartache can be an "opportunity" and a bridge to better YOU.

[need2bme]

Thanks Blender. I know I HAVE to think of this as a learning experience. I am so afraid to repeat what I have done.

 

I woke up at 4 AM and I cannot get back to sleep. My stomach hurts and I feel so bad. I wish she were laying here, so I could stroke her hair and show her she belongs. All I am ever reminded of, is to be careful with your words...

[need2bme]

I am trying to grow, but those damn insecurities creep back in all the time. I am totally unmotivated, which may either be a mitigating factor to my breakup, an underlying reason for my insecurities, a result of me not liking myself, resulting IN me not likeing myself, or all of the above.

 

I think that it is HIGHLY possible, that she did not seem to care much in the beginning and I think that drove a wedge between us. Because of that wedge, I held things against her and wanted her to love me so badly. I wanted her to speak of me in the same manner she spoke so highly about other boyfriends. There really was almost a reverence in her voice, when she would speak about her exes.

 

Add to that, the fact she had an ex that was constantly telling her I was no good for her, etc. Does it really matter though? I can run through this in my mind, until the cows come home, but will it bring her back? No. Will it help me? I don't know. I know that I have to figure out a way to let go. I have to figure out how to just be.

 

I think part of being around my dad, meant I never stacked up, then I went to my first wife, attempting to stack up and all she ever did was find other men. I thought I had found the perfect girl in this current long term ex and even she gave every reason for me to hide myself or my feelings. I am figuring out slowly that we both hid so much of ourselves for so long. Neither one of us trusting the other to not hurt us.

 

I read somewhere on here that the definition of love is something along the lines of, giving someone your heart and trusting they won't break it (yes, I do not remember the exact quote). I want to figure out how to do that again. I want to see this as learning and living, but right now I just see hurt, anger and pain.

 

How can she not love me? That is what I am faced with. Also, do I really love her? Answers I have to come up with...

[need2bme]

OK, I know this is not the area to post this, so on the words of the Torch; "FLAME ON!!!" ;-)

 

I just thought this post, by someone calling themselves "Zen Baby", was SO AWESOME!!! It is long, but I am hoping you can find time to read it.

 

 

Zen Baby on Trust

What do you trust? What do you base your trust in?

Do you believe that if you go to a good school you will get a good job? If you get a good job you will get a good girlfriend who will then become your good wife and then you can move to a good area and get a good car and then have good kids and send them to a good school and then everything will be good?

So what happens when you went to a good school and got good grades and got a good job? You got a good amount of money and you became very popular and successful and then you got lots of good looking women after you. So you trusted you were in good shape and you dated these women and the sex was good and the conversation was good and everything seemed good so you let your heart get involved and you trusted them, but then you found out that they were cheating on you and lying to you and then the trust was broken.

But you were still good. You had your job. So then you poured all your energy into your job and your work and you did well and then all of a sudden you lost your job even though you did good and since you did good, you trusted that you would be kept there because you were good. So then you're still ok. You have friends, you have a good degree, you had a good job and you think that you will be all good. So you look for a good job and since you have all the good cards, you think you will find one, but then you don't and so then you start not feeling so good. Then those people you thought were your good friends and who you thought were good people start becoming distant and uncaring and unsupportive.

Then you stop trusting that you're good. You start feeling that you're not good enough and that all of this is happening because you did something wrong or you aren't good enough. So you go into a state where on the outside you try to please and give more to earn your worth. You are more social and you are as good as you can be, but even then you still don't feel good enough. Then you discover over time that people are using you and you are letting them because you feel that if you are good enough, do enough, are pretty enough, are rich enough, and are powerful enough, that all will be good.

Then someone comes into your life and challenges your perspective of good by saying that you are good even though you're broke, you have nothing to give and you are depressed all the time. But you don't believe this. You can't trust this. You don't think you are good and you don't believe that you can be good unless you have a good job, a good place, a good girlfriend, a good car, a good family, a good body, a good sex partner, a good credit card. So when someone tells you that they love you even though you feel you're bad and you have nothing to offer, it makes you confused and disturbed.

Why? Because it challenges everything you have based your worth and trust in. Because it goes against the system which controls you and has made you into a puppet. Then you either believe that you are good and it has nothing to do with being good or you reject that concept and get back on the being good treadmill.

Once upon a time we said "In God We Trust," which meant "In God We Trust." We used to base our worth not on what we did, but what had been done for us. We used to believe that if God loved us, we didn't need to be approved by the rest of the world. We didn't need to be good because if you already have God's approval and love, what else could you possibly need? So with that in mind, life had a bit of a unique twist. Because if you believe in God and you believe God really loved you and you really trusted in God, your life would no longer be based on being good enough. Nor would it be based on earning the world's or other people's stamp of approval. Rather, if you were already loved unconditionally and no longer had to worry about earning or finding love, then what was left in life to do?

To be free. To love each other the same way you were loved. Not to worry but to do all things out of love. To do the work you loved because you loved it and not because you were trying to find love or trying to make it earn your love. You were already good enough so you didn't need to earn or to work to be good enough. You were already accepted so you weren't trying to be accepted. So if you really lived that way, life was no longer about conforming to what the culture or your lover or your parents told you to do, but you would follow your heart and do what you really longed and loved to do and to love for if you really believe you are loved unconditionally, you can love unconditionally in return.

You cannot have complete trust unless you have unconditional love. For we will all make mistakes and we will all hurt each other. We will all mess up and do things that harm ourselves and each other. If we base our trust in other people without unconditional love, we will very quickly lose our trust in them. For when they do harm us or hurt us or mess up, we will see it as a breach of trust. If we look at the situation through unconditional love though, we will see that it is not something that should make us unable to trust them but, rather, to see that they are human and we are human and trust isn't based on being good or living up to expectations because that is impossible and we will all fail when it comes to that.

Trust is only able to really exist if there is unconditional love so people feel that even when they mess up or hurt each other or do something wrong, they don't have to end the situation or the love because of it but, rather, be open about it on both sides and discuss it and learn from it. Things happen to teach us, not to destroy us. What can tear us apart can also glue us together, but it depends on how we react to it.

But then over the last hundred years or so, things have really changed. We no longer seem to base our ability to love on God. By understanding and accepting the universal unconditional love, we have adopted the mindset that in order to love, we first must be good. We must have a good house, a good job, a good body, and be good. We can't help other people till we are good and we can't love other people till we are good. If we don't have anything to give, we are not good enough to love or deserve real love. So we focus on being good; we work endless hours trying to be good. To be good in a material sense, in a spiritual sense, in a moral sense, because we feel if we are good enough, then we will be able to earn love and be loved.

There is only one flaw with this. We will never be good. Never good enough to earn love and/or feel like we are good enough to love. We will always find something that is broken or, just when you think you have it all together, it will all fall apart. You will never be good enough. You're only distracted by the process of being good so that in many ways you will never let go of your walls and/or experience love.

This is one of the greatest tricks that the king of destruction has pulled. By making the majority of humanity begin to believe this and then enforcing it through the media, more and more people are caught in the never ending hamster wheel of trying to be good enough or love or to love. So when love does come, they feel they are not good enough or ready, or when they have the chance to love, they feel they are not good enough or ready to love so then they shut off.

Relationships are now based more on what can I get than on what can I give. We don't even trust those we sleep with. We use each other for sex and money or security. Wives secretly hate their husbands because they never really loved them in the first place. Humanity is becoming more and more like insects. We use each other to feed but we no longer have a reason beyond ourselves.

Trust and love go hand in hand.

Today it seems it is hard for people to trust at all. I grew up without the TV being my teacher. My mother loved me unconditionally and I also learned to love unconditionally as a child from my mother's example. I carried that with me into adulthood. I would love my friends in a deep and intense way. This would often confuse them. Then it would usually force them to face the good enough complex and usually they would feel they were not good enough or I was not good enough. Then, either they would do something to really hurt me or I would do something to really hurt them. Then they would usually run away.

I would usually be sitting there going, "Well, here we go again." For years sometimes I would continue to love them without seeing them. I would continue to go back to them, even after they hurt me or I hurt them and say, "I still love you." Each time I did this, they would either turn and run further because each time I did it, I was challenging a much deeper issue than our friendship. Everything here teaches us that in order to get love, we must be good enough. What I was saying is "I don't care if you are good. I don't care if you hurt me. I don't care. I still love you." This made them look at me and ask, "How can she do that or say that?" and they knew and I knew they knew, but if they accept my love, they are also accepting the source of my love, which means, in the end, that they are going to be faced with the biggest choice in life.

On what do you base your trust? In God or this world? In being good or in grace? In earning or giving?

The world is unstable. You are unstable. I am unstable.

But love is not unstable if it is based on God's love because if we base our love on God's love, it never ends. It continues on; it forgives; and it is unconditional. How can you not trust someone who will love you even if you run away, break their heart, tear them down and call them a liar? If you try to destroy it and it continues even through the fire, how can you not see that there is something real there that won't leave even when you are far from good or worthy?

When you love someone unconditionally, you can have trust. If you love conditionally, you will never have trust. Trust is not built on being good, but, rather, on learning from our mistakes and weaknesses.

Usually, if I love someone for years and keep going back for years even when they hurt me or get angry or lock me off, eventually they see that it is unconditional and then they see after usually trying to destroy it, that they can trust it. Once you accept that it isn't about being good or about earning love or that your worth is not based on your body or your job or your relationship or being good, then you can let go and be free from fear.

You can never really trust until you are free from fear. The only way to be free from fear is to love unconditionally so that when they do hurt you or you hurt them, the love will continue and only then will you ever be able to trust yourself or other people.

The greatest story of love was when a man who was said to be the son of God was killed on a cross. That is the greatest story of sacrifice. Love is when you are willing to die, not physically as much as your ego. When you accept others' imperfections in love, then you will find love. For the only way to know love is to love. We cannot ask for anything in return or then it becomes conditional. Jesus didn't say "I love you but you have to always be good." He just said. "I love you and it's not about being good and all you need to do is believe that I love you and that God loves you."

That is true with all of us. If we really believe we are loved and can love, even when we hurt, then love will be born within ourselves and around us. But we have to believe in it. Even when it is hard and difficult.

Love and trust go hand in hand.

[need2bme]

...or here is another GREAT article, about breaking up....

 

 

Friends After Break Up… Why Won’t He Return My Calls?

 

The Question: Last year Jim and I dated for a month then broke up. We’ve known each other for 4 years and after the break up last year we still remained friends. And then, this year in April we got back together again but he broke up with me about a month ago. He said he never wants to see or speak to me. Please tell me why he suddenly doesn’t want to be friends? Please help me because I need to know this to get over him.

 

 

The Answer:

 

There are many reasons why he may no longer want to be friends.

 

Here are some possible reasons why some find it difficult to stay friends after a breakup…

 

He may need time to heal emotionally. It could be painful to see you.

He may be seeing someone else and fears that being friends with you may jeopardize his new relationship.

If the breakup was difficult, he may be angry at you and need some time to cool off.

Being around you may bring up emotions and feelings that he’s trying to suppress.

It could be one of these or a hundred other different reasons and you’ll make yourself crazy trying to guess what that reason is. In the end, the ‘why’ doesn’t really matter because it’s an emotional decision, not a logical decision. When we try to identify the ‘why’, what we’re really doing is trying to come up with a logical explanation for an emotional decision. If you stop and think about this for just a moment, you’ll see why it doesn’t make sense to even try. So whatever the reasons, he’s decided that the two of you can’t be together and you need to face that and move forward with your life.

 

If you continue to try to figure it out, you’ll just end up blaming and finding all kinds of faults with yourself, which will in turn make you miserable. If you keep pushing him, you could end up spoiling any chance of a future friendship.

 

So STOP! Yes, right now. It’s time for you to move on with your life and find happiness.

 

One of the best ways to get over the pain of a relationship that has ended is to get back out there and date some new people - find that connection again.

 

Contrary to what some people think, we don’t believe it’s necessary to be miserable and alone for a certain period of time after a breakup just to avoid the rebound zone. Being lonely and alone won’t make you or anyone else happy. It’s almost like punishing yourself for no reason.

 

But what about these rebound relationships that we’re always hearing about? Don’t people warn you to stay away from rebound relationships?

 

Well, yes and no. Just be aware that when you break up with someone it’s very common to find someone that’s the exact opposite of the last person you were with. More specifically, the exact opposite of whatever you think didn’t like about your previous partner. This is good and bad. It’s good because experiencing many different types of people and relationships allows you to better identify the exact type of person who is really right for you. It’s bad because, this new ‘opposite’ person may also be opposite in all of the things that you actually liked about your previous partner. Just keep this in mind as you find yourself attracted to new people. Stop and ask yourself what it is that you like about him or her and make sure that it’s not just that they are ‘not’ like your previous partner.

 

By the way, if you do prefer to be alone for a while that’s OK too. It’s your life; you make the rules. Do what feels right in your heart.

 

Trying to figure out why your last relationship ended isn’t going to help you, it’s only going to make you miserable. So, keep an open mind, call up some friends, and go meet some new people. Listen to the advice of those you trust most and then always, always follow your heart even if it goes against their advice. You are in control of your destiny and what’s right for them may not be what’s right for you.

[ColdWinterForest]

ColdWinterForest: How true. The "new" me for someone else. I can learn about me and the past and not be doomed to repeat bad behavior.

 

I sometimes wish I could have shown her the new me, but she is not allowing it. She is holding on to the me from before and won't let go of the pain either. In that respect, we are both the same. It is funny, because she preaches of how I need to be happy and yet holds on to so much anomosity towards me.

 

Maybe you didn't do anything wrong.

 

I went through a similar experience and came to the epiphany that the relationship had already been broken for a very long time before we broke up. Sometimes, people stay in bad situations in order to avoid the pain of emotional detachment. I was in the process of going through a mental/nervous breakdown when my ex, whom I had to beg to even be up front with me, kindly informed me that she was seeing someone else. It was tough! Even now, some three/four months later, it is still tough. It was like my entire life fell apart at that single moment, and I don't know if I will ever fully recover from it. But, I am beginning to recover a little bit... I am beginning to feel "some" optimism for the future again, and you can too, so just hang in there! Granted, I am far from being happy and my thoughts still linger on her... and I still feel a great deal of anger, hatred, and hopelessness. I feel used and deceived, but in all honesty I think that these feelings are just natural emotions that go along with becoming emotionally detached from someone you spent a great deal of time with... someone who had a significant impact on your life. It is going to be a long, hard road out of hell, but once you get out... and I am hoping for this myself... you will come out with a greater deal of wisdom under your belt. You will understand yourself better than before because, unlike her, you were forced to confront the pain and overcome it. You cannot hide in someone else's arm; you have to take a hard look at yourself in the mirror. There is no easy way out for the people who have been rejected and dumped; they are forced to confront themselves and, naturally, they end up questioning their own identity.

 

In any case, NC is hard at first, but after a while you will get so used to it... and sometimes you will think of that person as nothing more than an abstraction. In a way, they existed at one time in your life, but now it is time for you to move on -- to meet new people and to have new experiences. Letting go of that person, and letting go of what they meant to you and whatever past you had together, is the first step for NC.

[need2bme]

I might have done nothing wrong in the last few days, but in our relationship, I did plenty wrong. I look back though and I can see where she also did dastardly things (so did I).

 

My counselor said that she believed that neither of us trusted the other enough not to hurt us. I think that is partially correct. I also think we snowballed out of control.

 

I know I don't wanna carry this hurt and this feeling of wanting to compare myself to everyone and the need for her love or anyone else's, to make me complete.

 

I am just so tired of this ride and I want to get off!!!

[need2bme]

I know what I just posted, but it is amazing that you can simply walk from your desk, get some coffee and think about going to Starbucks with the ex and then miss all the pet names and know that it will NEVER be like it was.

 

Maybe I can reframe this, in that, "Of course it will NEVER be like it was; it will be BETTER!!"

 

I would do anything for her to call me, "Pretty Brown Eyes", just one more time...

[need2bme]

So, the movers called to make arrangements to bring my stuff to the apartment here. YAY!! Oh how joyous that is going to be. I just absolutely cannot wait to unpackk and go through stuff. Alright!! YES!!! One step forward and two steps back.

 

Just think, by Saturday night, I can be sleeping in the bed we shared, without her. I can look through the boxes of memories that are going to set me back. Whoo Hoo! YayYay! What a fun weekend for me.

 

NOT!!!!!

[need2bme]

Just to warn ya'll; I am going to continue posting on this thread, until I can get it all out of my heart. I realize that sometimes, one can never go back. I also realize that there are times when we won't let ourselves forget. When we think someone has wronged us so much, that we can never forget and certainly never forgive.

 

If someone really loved us, they would never hurt us. Right? Wrong! It just does not work that way.

 

In fact, I can bet you dirt to dollars that the current guy my ex is with will do something wrong, or do something that will remind her of me that she did or did not like, or he will get upset that she will not talk to him, or she will not pay him attention (which is what ended up happening with all the other guys).

 

So then what? He is not the right guy for her? He is just like me? She made the wrong decision? NO! Who knows? All I know is that you cannot just discount someone because they hurt you. They may not have meant to hurt you. I have hurt my daughter before. I might have yelled at her or criticized her driving and even made her cry. She still loves me and still call to check on me and make sure I am ok through all of this.

 

Does she love me unconditionally because I am her daddy, or her family? Why should that matter? Why is it any different than being with an SO? Shouldn't we have that same kind of unconditional love for our SOs?

 

I know I am worth something and I know that I am going to make some girl really happy. I just wish it was going to be her.

 

All I can seem to think about right now, is the what ifs. What if I would not have argued with her that last time? I know it took a lot to get us to this place and just one argument did not topple us; but, what if? What if I had sense enough to seek help, or get some meds or SOMETHING!!!!! What if I had taken her face into my hands and told her how wonderful her soul was and how my heart melted every single time I looked at her?

 

What if I would have taken her hand and walked with her to see the sunset, instead of finding something else to do or complaining that it was cold? What if I would have told hre thatI was a very lucky man and that she always gave me butterflies?

 

See? That is where all this is. I had to hold on to everything, because she hurt me. She owed me some love. WRONG!!!!! Love is supposed to be there, no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT!

 

Every day I look out at all the buildings and all I see here, are signs that say "For Lease" or "This and that is available". It is so depressing. Where are all the people that were displace from those buildings? A field here, a vacant building there.

 

I just want to go home. I want so much to have my life back. I want someone to put my cheese back. I don't want some other guy living where I used to live and enjoying her company.

 

The company that is not interrupted by a family member wanting something, when they are old enough to do it themself. Not interrupted by an ex-wife bellowing about the kids or child support that is not even due yet. Not interrupted by an excuse not to go out, because she has to help her dad with something. Not showing up late, real late, because of family (or other) issues.

 

He gets to just enjoy her. He gets to have all the attention back and did not have to work for it, at all. He gets all of her and did not spend time after time, working in other areas and sleeping on air mattresses, so she could have everything she needed.

 

Nope. He can simply just be there and that isn't right...

[Eileen101]

I totally know what you mean about not being able to accept the fact that some other person is in your space and is living what seems to be or what should be your life. My x and I just stopped living together last september but we continued to see eachother. But I have had this awful fear the entire time since I moved out that he is going to hook up with some bimbo and she is going to move in with him. And all along I know that it is inevitible. I know it is coming because he is the type that CANNOT live alone. So........ yes I totally understand that because I know that when I get word that a girlfriend has moved in with him I am going to be devastated. BUT>>> We need to remember one thing, an important thing, even if these people are not hurting like we are right now and they seem to be getting away with a light dose of Pain, that time will come for them also. It always does. No one escapes what they place on somone else, No one. Hang in there cuz that thought is what they are not considering right now.

[need2bme]

So, they delivered the stuff this morning and basically they forgot some stuff and now I am going to have to jump through hoops, to get back my bedding and my monster cables and controllers for my stereo equipment. They changed my stuff from a smaller truck to a bigger truck and lost some stuff.

 

Also, I had to pay them cash to drop it off. I needed to use my credit card for it and now I have to worry about bills and the $ in the bank. It just keeps getting better and better.

 

Plus, because of not being able to sleep, I went ahead and put the bed together. Wrong move. It totally smells like her. I just laid there and smelled it for a little while. Plus, I was supposed to flip the mattress, because she never did, but having it on the side she slept on, made me feel better. How silly is that?

 

I don't even wanna sleep on it. I took some PM medicine so I could sleep. I called her cell phone and left a message. I was trying to do so good and was at least staying in LC. I cannot stand this... I think I am going to sleep on the floor tonight...

[need2bme]

Well, I am unpacking and everything reminds me of her. So, I am tired of all of this and I don't think I wanna date again for a long while. I am just so very sad and so very tired.

[Eileen101]

I know how hard this part it and I really do feel for you. When I did it I had really mixed emotions about it. I knew on the one hand that I was beginning the road to some sort of recovery and that I was finally free of the really bad situation of living with someone that was tearing me apart. I felt good about it but at the same time I knew that what I had with the person that I loved was gone forever. There is good and bad feelings that go with seperating from living with your ex. I really tried to focus on the fact that from the time that I started living on my own that I was going to start calling the shots in my life and that I wasn't at the mercy of living with a really unhealthy situation anymore. I just tried to milk my situation for everything positive that I could. Not to say that it wasn't extremely difficult still but I knew that the end was my new beginning. My special time in life as far as starting to develop a new identity and nurturing my living situation into a haven for me, just me. I didn't have to worry about someone elses needs on a daily basis anymore and I could truly focus on what I needed to get on daily basis. I stayed in contact with the person that I stopped living with but certian things still apply when it comes to no longer living with someone anymore. I think this is a time for you to explore who you are and what you really want for your future. Hang in there, you have already covered a huge milestone just by doing as much as you have done. Even if it wasn't what you wanted. Each day is another day that you are closer to being a little bit more ok with where you are.

[Siro]

Dude I feel the same right now the roller coaster of feelings 5 months.I'm trying the NC but we have a 9yr old. so I said to my self. Self only contact about the boy.and its only day one of NC and I have to bring my son to school in afew hours and have to see her I know how you feel she has someone to turn to also,that hurts so much and knowing this guy is playing with my son is driving me mad

 

we'll get through this be strong I keep telling my self that

[Pisces_Princess]

I know exactly how you feel...

 

I have had THE most traumatic weekend possible. I moved the rest of my things out on Saturday and saw my ex. I took a couple of friends along to help and give me moral support. When Tom and I saw each other we just started crying and holding each other. It was so painful and I feel back to how I felt when he originally ended things. My best friend (who was with me) said she felt like shaking him, she said he is so obviously still in love with me and me him...I just don't know what to do at all...It is such a waste of what was and still is a great love.

 

He doesn't have anyone else, neither of us wants anybody else, it is just so sad.

 

Tonight will be the first night alone in my new place and I am dreading it!

 

 

How are you getting on?

 

Please keep in touch, we will get through this togther

[need2bme]

PP: I will keep in touch with you, for as long as we are going through this. I cannot post much, as I am at work and need to get some stuff done.

 

I know how you feel and feel for you completely. That is almost exactly what happened between my ex and I. I went home over New Years and had not seen her in months. She took one look at me and I her and the feelings came back.

 

I so know how it feels. Doesn't it make you angry a little? Like, how can they do this. At least in your case, he doesn't have anyone else. Mine made me promise not to say anything if I ever met him;

 

1. That hurt so bad to hear, and...

2. Like she and I are just going to be the best of friends.

 

Nah, if she wants him, then she can have him. I am going to be someone, that someone can really love. I need to take time out for myself though. I have to deal with these feelings of loving her one minute and wanting to smack her, the next.

 

So, what is it that caused you guys to break up, anyway?

 

Siro: I am right there with ya, except I don't have a child with her. I do know what it is like to think that he is taking your place and he is able to get from her, what you tried so long for.

 

Eileen: Thank you so much for the encouraging words. I too know that sooner or later, the true side of her closing off will come out. There is no way that you can simply close yourself off and expect a relationship to work. Add to that, the fact that she is so stubborn and will not work on anything and feels she will not go see a counselor, something will happen between them and they will both open their eyes.

 

Well, I really need to get back to work. I just wanted to let you all know that it is nice to have people that understand and I wanted you guys to know that I am here for you...

[need2bme]

Is it just me, or does anyone else think about their ex and just wanna throw up? Man, I have to go down this weekend and get the rest of my stuff and I know the new guy, or at least his stuff will be there.

 

Do any of you guys have advice on how to not have an anxiety attack? She does not deserve to see me missing her...

 

Any advice will be appreciated.

[need2bme]

So, I think I am staying at work way too late, so I can post on the boards. I don't even want to go home anymore. All I am going to do, is get there and lay on the floor, in front of the tv. Yay! I cannot wait. I am trying so hard not to be depressed.

 

You know, I am also trying not to read into things, but when I saw the ex, she had gained some weight. Also, whenever she speaks to me, she says she hasn't slept a lot and I can tell when I see her. She also says she has been sick and she has been tired and she spends time alone. All last month (when we were talking) she would be home when I called. It wasn't like before.

 

That is why I thought she might be missing me. Of course now, with this guy moving in, that point is really moot.

 

But, I wonder...

 

Why would she be that way, if she did not miss me? I am the one getting on with rebuilding me, with losing weight and working out and with school. I know her job is so stressing her right now, but why would she hide, if she really cared. I think she cares, but she says she doesn't.

 

I know I have been around the boards for a while now and I know we have been apart for almost 8 months, which means she has had ample time to be with me and has chosen not to.

 

However, we all write of "actions speaking louder than words" and "watch the feet, not the lips", so why is she so stressed and why does she tell me that I will always have the "power" over her.

 

I just don't get it. Has anyone ever gone through anything like this?

[pacopaco]

you're going to get a whole lot better for this, man. all the pain, and other ugly feelings will come back you in a way that will only give you more strength. The feelings never go away, they never die, butyou can change them. right now, you don't want to, and that's ok, but when you do finally want to change how you feel, you'll be a new unstoppable man. believe me. I'm kind of going through that transformation now, and though i still grieve, or am angry sometimes, I can't wait to see what happens with good ol' paco. Feelings subside, and you can replace those feelings when your time comes. You'll make the choice, you'll decide, and you'll feel such a great sense of your own power. believe it, because it will happen.

[need2bme]

Paco: Thanks man. Your words mean much and ring true. The question is, how do I make myself believe them. Maybe it will just take time; lots and lots of time.

 

When you say "change" the feelings; how so? Will they just transfer into something warm and fuzzy when I think about her, or will I simply just go crazy?

 

OK, I know, but I miss being next to her, every day. Wanna hear something crazy? I miss her snoring. Maybe some of this is just familiarity. I'm sure some of it is. I am also sure that I don't like being alone.

 

I really thank you for coming in here dude...your words in your posts always make me feel better, even when they make me sad.

[need2bme]

So, today I get a call about some call she got at her work about someone looking for us. It was for her only. The people that called her, assumed we were married.

 

Of course, I was the one to call and straighten it all out. Afterwards, I called her and told her what was up and she said she would take care of things.

 

She told me she got the card I sent. It had a pic of a dog that looked like the one we used to have and called "our kid".

 

It made me think of her. I put something caring, but nothing mushy, inside. She said thank you for it that it was nice. So, we went back and forth with a couple of pleasentries and I said I needed to go and just let me know what was going to happen this weekend.

 

I have yet to hear from her on this weekend and I am driving down Friday night. I need to make arrangements for a hotel or something. I don't wanna spend the money, but what else would I do...

 

Spend the night on her couch? (Anyone who knows my story would find that hilarious). LOL

[need2bme]

OK, so today is a "I just walk around and feel like breaking down and crying" day. Man, this is one last time this weekend, to go down there and finally finish stuff.''I hope I have the strength to not say something stupid when I meet this guy and/or see all his stuff in the room that she and I shared.

 

I promise I am an adult enough to not do anything stupid, but holding my tongue, might be a totally different issue.

 

I should just walk in, meet him, shake his hand then turn and say hello to her and how nice it was to feel her close to me as we were kissing...

 

...yeah, that'll show her.

[NolaDarling]

Only the end of the world is the end of the world! You are going to get through this. Tape your mouth should you have to when you go get your stuff this weekend but don't say more than hello and goodbye to the both of them. Show her that you are doing just fine without her...regardless of if its true or not.

[blender]

Good luck this weekend, try to rise above your "temporary feelings' in the moment, it's going to be difficult, but you will feel so much better about yourself if you set some boundaries, be kind, classy, wish them well, and get out as soon as your stuff is gathered.

 

I hope you are bringing a friend with you... Make an emotional plan for yourself, imagine yourself going there, being strong as you can, classy, keep it light and polite, get your things, and leave.... You will be okay, I can't imagine how difficult this all is for you, but please know that FATE is nudging you into a new direction that will be wonderful.. breathe, cry, write here... take care of you.

 

P.S. Is there anyone else who can go get all your things for you? If not, then go, BUT don't lower yourself to any of her "inappropriate standards", by saying some catty remarks.. just go and have the class and courage to keep it light and polite and then walk away... she will never stop thinking of you if you have the courage to just be classy... and more importantly YOU will feel better about YOURSELF afterwards..