Martyr complex or Narcissism?

[GuitarHero]

I have been looking inward at myself lately and I have been looking at what type of actions I have been taking lately. When I look at them I see that they have all involved some sort of self sacrifice for the benefit of others. I began to look at why I have been hurting what I want to help others, and I came up with two choices and a modifier. I am either just a selfless person who will put others before himself in all situations(some sort of martyr complex), or I am looking for people to see me as some sort of selfless hero, the second choice indicating some deep rooted Narcissistic complex. The things I have been doing for others aren't some minor inconveniences either, they are major things that could affect my life. Whenever people ask me if I really want to help, and if it wouldn't be a big problem, I always say "Oh, it's no big deal really, happy to help in any way I can." Maybe posting this at all indicates some sort of Narcissism? I need advice on how I can control my impulse to help others at great cost to myself. Thank you.

[blueangel]

That's nothing to really analyze. Your behavior speaks for yourself- whatever the reason or varius underlying intentions- you are a good person. Helping others. If only I knew how to do the same. What kind of things do you do?

[sweetheart21]

It sounds like you just like making other people happy. Try to start putting yourself first.

[GuitarHero]

Hows this for hurting myself: right now I live in a two bedroom apartment with 2 roomates, I am out in the living room where I sleep on a pull out couch, so basically, zero privacy(no big deal, I'm not a very private person when it comes to material possessions). My one roomate who has the lease in his name is planning to move because it is the only way his girlfriends parents will let them stay together. He wants me to take over the lease because it isn't up until april(the other roommate can't take it over because he can't get any sort of identifying papers). I can't afford to live there with just two people, so we were going to bring in another friend, but he wants the room because he has a girlfriend. So basically, it would be my apartment in all legal aspects, but I would have to live out in the hallway, not even getting a freakin' room! My dad is telling me that I'm getting hosed, and that if I wanted he could find me an apartment I could afford with two people (I am in south florida so rent and cost of living is sky high). If I move out I will be screwing my friend, because unless he transfers the lease, he will have to stay until its up, and he will lose the love of his life. So now I'm damned if I do, Damned if I don't. Oh, and I work with the friend so if I screw him over, I will have to see him everyday.

[Daddy Bear]

Consider your own welfare as much as you do everyone else's. If the cost to you for your philanthropy outweighs the benefit to the recipients, you're not doing the world as a whole any favors. The Golden Rule says, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," not "better than you would have them do unto you."

[Mythical_Suicide]

You are not screwing your friend over, he got into the lease and if you weren't there he would have to do it anyway. You have to better yourself before you better anyone else. You can't be unhappy just because someone else wants a certain thing a certain way. If you're happy with the place you're living at now let the other friend come in but you take the extra bedroom Dont allow yourself to get screwed out of every situation.

[EddieRentz]

GH - I wonder the same thing sometimes, but the truth of the matter is you need to worry more about why you devalue your own needs versus the need of others as slightlybent has pointed out.

 

I think your living scenario is very accomodating of you but certainly not to the point of being self destructive. I also don't think it is narcissistic unless you are constantly seeking out praise for your actions... you know pointing them out to people and then demanding praise...

 

It is good to notice this about yourself and to be introspective. You have identified a tendency, armed with this self knowledge, I challenge you to look at your actions when you are about to sacrifice and spend a little more time deciding what is best for you vs how it makes you feel to give in...