Cold & Heartless..but WHY?

[Vynde]

Hello All,

 

I have been posting on ENA for a while. I have to say, it’s been such a help to me as I go through a very trying time in my life.

 

Ill link my story to this thread, if you would like to get a background of my situation, but mainly, this post is a question.. It’s a question that I probably don’t need an answer to, however, Id like to get some insight on what you think..

 

My wife of only a year left me. For another man? I think so.. But I can’t prove it. She left and for the most part doesn’t look back. The end involved her being very cold and emotionless…

 

I have had little contact with her over the past three months. I sent her an e-mail last week, after three months of NC.. The purpose of the e-mail was to status her on where we are at with the separation agreement.. It was a soft letter. I didn’t tell her how I was doing nor do I want her to know.. as I haven’t been doing well. The letter was meant to be gentle..

 

Today, I get a response back. It was two sentences.. No “hello” to start if off, or “good-bye” to end it. It was cold. Heartless and for me, very hurtful.

 

I guess I’m trying to understand why. Why is she being like this? I didn’t do anything to her. I have bent over backwards for 6 years. She knows I love her will all my heart.. I can’t understand why she can be so cold to me..

 

Can anyone see why she is doing this? I know it’s over.. by why does she act like she is mad at me?? I can’t understand it – and to be honest. It’s killing me to see not only my wife, but my best friend, my companion.. My life, be so cold to a person who considered her his world.

 

Thanks in advance for your input.

 

John

[Timebandit]

Hard to tell, without knowing why she left you. But I think there can be two reasons for her behaviour.

 

Either she is bearing some grudge against you (could be part of the reason she left you), or she is trying to protect herself from getting hurt/feeling guilt.

[cordelia]

Wow, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. What was her explanation for leaving in the first place ? You mentioned that you weren't sure if it was for another man or not. The only thing I can think of, as a woman is that if I was leaving a man and being emotionless about it...it would probably be because I am no longer in love with the person.

I assume that you tried to stop the separation from happening, so she must know you still love her ?

I can relate to how brutal it can be when the person you love is acting cold and distant. I've been there myself. Good for you with 3 mos of NC. You should be proud of yourself. Keep up with it, sign your papers and get your lawyer to deal with the rest. You CAN and will move on, it just takes time.

[Ellie2006]

Hi John,

I am sorry to hear you're hurting right now

If I may ask: is your wife being "cold and emotionless" OR "angry and rude"?

 

If it is the former, perhaps her coldness is a misguided but a veiled way to be kind (?) since she knows that things between you are over and it is her intent to stay away? In other words, do you think her coldness is an attempt NOT to give you false hope of her returning?

 

That said, this must be extremely hard for you. Hang in there, John!

 

Sending best wishes your way,

Ellie

[cordelia]

I also agree with Timebandit though, I've left someone and been very cold and emotionless about it because of how much he had hurt me throughout the relationship. So yes, that's another possibility as well.

[poloplayer]

Hi,

 

It is definitely one the reasons that Timebandit & cordelia mentioned.

 

1) Resentment, i.e., lot's of hate

2) Avoiding guilt

 

From my experience, I'd place my money on the resentment. So much hurt and so much pain leads so many to hate.

[radioheader]

i think many become cold like you mention to make themselves feel better about leaving you and everything behind...it is easier for them to walk away and not have to be human and work thru issues civilly...they can be selfish and do what ever they think is best for themselves...you are not an issue to them anymore. it is so sad when people do this...i am so sorry that you are feeling this way...try to find friends and family for support during this difficult time! stay strong and take care of yourself...you deserve better.

[Vynde]

Cordelia: Wow, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. What was her explanation for leaving in the first place?

 

Well, Her reason, in her words, was that she no longer loved me. That she just wasnt happy anymore. As if that didnt shatter me enough, I later looked at her cell phone bill and found she was talking to some guy every morning on her way to work, every lunch and on her way home... again, breaking my heart..I cant prove it.. but Im also not an idiot.. I dont think anyway..

 

Cordelia assume that you tried to stop the separation from happening, so she must know you still love her ?

 

Cord, I did everything in my power.. I told her I would change, move moutains, that I loved her with all my heart and felt what we had was worth fighting for.. nothing worked.. No emotion. The only tears were my own..

 

Ellie2006 and emotionless" OR "angry and rude"? If it is the former, perhaps her coldness is a misguided but a veiled way to be kind (?)

 

I dont know Ellie.. Sometimes I see all four of those things you mention, more so "cold and emotionless".. which to me, hurts even more.. I think she knows it too..

 

Ellie2006: In other words, do you think her coldness is an attempt NOT to give you false hope of her returning?

 

I guess that could be true. I guess to some degree I hold on to the hope she will come back.. I guess there is no easy way to show anything in a case like this..

 

Thank you all so much for the great insight... I guess what hurts me the most is that I can be tossed aside like trash.. by one who I really care about. To be honest, I cant think of a worse feeling...

 

It really makes one feel worthless. ahh. I just want to be happy again. Thats all. I miss a woman that no longer is real... I miss the woman I married..

 

Thank you all - your all such a big help.

 

John

[Enitsirk]

Believe me, I know you have many questions. Why????? Unfortunately you may never find out the answer. I am going through the same thing. Why would he leave me pregnant after only 11 months of marriage, after 5 years of being together and after I had my tubes reversed to have our baby. I am getting the same type of cold treatment. Trying to understand their behavior isn't going to help you. They are responsible for themselves. It's very hard not to ask WHY especially since you thought you knew the person. I am so sorry

[Steelergal]

I guess what hurts me the most is that I can be tossed aside like trash.. by one who I really care about. To be honest, I cant think of a worse feeling...

 

It really makes one feel worthless. ahh. I just want to be happy again. Thats all. I miss a woman that no longer is real... I miss the woman I married..

 

John...

 

I just wanted you to know that I completely feel your pain and relate to this statement (except I miss the MAN I married!). You put it into words so well. I keep asking myself the same question as to how someone who was your best friend and lover for so many years can suddenly become so cold and heartless and make you feel that you mean nothing to them.

 

I think the explanation might just be that there is something wrong with the way these people are wired....they are not capable of real love.

[Angela]

I am really sorry you are going through this right now. I am going through the same thing with my husband where he had been extremely cold hearted. He left me 3 months ago and I have been a mess ever since. I dont have great advice, but I can say that sometimes you will never know why... That is what I have given up hope on. Some people are not good people.

[lizziebee]

Hi John, I know it has been a very hard road for you and the response from the ex isn't pleasant. Maybe she has her armour on so that she seems stronger than she is. Maybe she does not want you to see any doubt on her face or in her handwriting. Or maybe you should take this chance and use her hostility to YOUR advantage by remembering her just like this so you will not miss this kind of behaviour. I am glad to see you back. I was worried about you during the holidays.

[brando]

You are best to no longer ask why. It will only drive you crazy and keep you from moving on.

 

I am sorry for the pain you are suffering, but the question game is relentless and it sheds little light on your situation. I have been here and it was pointless for me. In time you will gradually see what is to be revealed to you. It is a long dark heavy curtain that is slowly pulled away a bit at a time for you to see what is needed for your personal benefit and recovery.

 

I didnt like where you are at now, the thought of that place sends shivers down my spine...

 

but the brightside is you will get through this and prosper.

 

Acceptance is the antidote.

 

be well.

[houdini]

John,

 

Going through the same thing man, Been with my ex for 5yrs. Had plans for her to move here to Ca from Nevada with her 2 daughters and my son. She went literally from one week of "I love you, can't live without you, I'm miserable with you" to "I love you but I'm not in love with you, I lost feelings" to, "Right now I want to be alone" Call it what you will, whether it be because of another man or she's just menatally crossed her wires and is going through a phase right now, who knows!!!! But I feel your pain, she's emotionless,no more phone calls, no text messages,the few times she's emailed me back were cold and exactly like your ex's emails in regards to no "Hello.., Dear... or antyhing"..what has happened to them??? and as you say how can they just walk away and discard us like a piece of trash or a piece of gum that lost it's flavor.... try reading some stuff about NPD (Narcasisstic Personality Disorder)My ex fits this disorder to a T....

 

This feeling we have and what are ex has done to us is just as bad as walking accross the street to check your mail and the street looks clear, no cars no traffic, beautiful day, life couldnt be anymore perfect and when we think everythings safe and clear and we're walking accross the street...BLAMM!!!!! an 18 wheeler semi truck loaded with tons of metal comes out of no where to smash us like a pancake.... (I know, sorry analogy but thats what it feels like for me..LOL)

 

I'm on my 6th day of NC. Some days are tough some are bad but the good thing is that I don't have to see her or worry about running into her cause we live 500 miles apart. The bad part about it is that we do have a son together and the thought of being a good father to my son is near impossible because of the distance... It's been 5 weeks since we've broken up and I did all the wrong things that Superdave said not to do but since then I've cleaned up my act, slowly but surel with the help of all of you I'm getting my dignity back (although it hasn't been easy). But I compare to how I was the first week to now (5th week) and there is a difference and it is getting better you just have to have faith that it will and read! read! read!,post! post!post!..I thank god that he helped me find this site because the people here are awesome....I've made a vow to myself and I hope others do that when we get past this pain and find happiness again that we continue to come back here to help others as they have helped us.

 

Take care!

[Steelergal]

This feeling we have and what are ex has done to us is just as bad as walking accross the street to check your mail and the street looks clear, no cars no traffic, beautiful day, life couldnt be anymore perfect and when we think everythings safe and clear and we're walking accross the street...BLAMM!!!!! an 18 wheeler semi truck loaded with tons of metal comes out of no where to smash us like a pancake.... (I know, sorry analogy but thats what it feels like for me..LOL)

 

Houdini...I think this is a great analogy! I can completely relate to it...it describes just how I feel!

 

Also, good point about the NPD! I have been on the MSN group site for NPD and it fits my STBX to a T as well. Kind of scary....

[houdini]

Steelergal,

 

Isn't it kind of scary or maybe more discouraging in regards to NPD. I know we're not psychologist and can't diagonose our ex's among alot of other things we'd like to diagonse them with (LOL). But from all the reading of done on the net about NPD it does sound alot like my ex and it sounds like it's a pretty tough disorder to have especially if it involves someone you love. The mindset these people have is basicaly about themsleves being priority #1. So when these people suck the life out of their so called "loved one" and dump us like a piece of trash, to me it seems there is no chance in reconcilation with them because of this disorder. A person that has NPD basically uses people as a stepping stone or should I say a supply to their esteem,ego,well-being and once they're not getting that anymore they're done with us and move on to the next person or thing that gives them that....The sad thing about it is we're are left alone loving them still, wanting them, missing them and feel a great loss. This has to be the icing on the cake when you realize the one that dumped you has NPD. Because basically the relationship was based on deceit not love...... How can we beat NPD and our loved one???? How can we compete or help them realize what they are doing to themselves, to others arround them and to the ones they say they love???? Me and my ex have a soon to be 4yr old son and it drives a stake through my heart to know somewhat of how she feels, what her mindset is and what I was to her....."NOTHING"...... Sorry for the rambling but I had to get this out....