its done, its over, its gone

[antkojm1]

So, today I sold the house. The house I bought 2 1/2 years ago, because my ex promised he would work non-stop on it to make it into what we wanted.

 

All he did was paint a few walls. I did everything else (fixed the electrical, ran network and coax everywhere, fixed the pond pump, installed appliances, renovated a bathroom) while working 16 hours a day to support myself, the house, and him. And he left me. He left me with a million partially started projects. All of which were beyond the point of no return.

 

He left a disaster. His "art room" was filled with junk, and covered in chinchilla feces (he was trying to raise chinchillas, promised he would keep it clean).

 

There are so many things I want to say in this post, but I don't know how to really write it all in an easy paragraph. So, I'll make a list:

 

1. I texted him, I said "house is sold, can you come by and get the rest of your furniture". he replied with a simple "yes". He never replies to anyone's text with one word. he's been so cold to me lately (we run into each other once in a while, and we often have to discuss money issues -- we had alot of joint accounts), and it hurts. It hurts almost as much as him leaving did. When he left, he always told me that he could never hate me, and always thought I was a good person. Now it feels as if thats no longer true.

 

2. I still hold out hope. I think I always will. If he came to me, and said he had made a mistake, and wanted me back, I would go back to him in a second.

 

3. I did NC for so long. It was typical of what you read on here, they begin to call, text, email, anything to find out whats going on. I only responded once in a while, with as little information as possible. It accomplished the goal, it helped me heal quickly. The scar isn't bad, barely visible. I know I'll be able to love someone like that again. I just wish I did right now -- other than him.

 

4. I'm with someone now, who is so much better. He's financially together, mature, independent, not addicted to anything except cigarettes, very intelligent, and very attractive. Yet, I can't feel it. I can't stop thinking about the ex, while I'm with him. I almost hope he'll break up with me so that I won't have to feel the guilt of breaking up with someone so great.

 

5. I tend to wonder if my ex is being so cold to me because he's seen me out together with my new guy, in fact while he's out with his new guy. I wonder if my ex compares me with his current. I do, I compare myself to him all the time, and I feel good about myself when I do. I know what my ex had, I know what he doesn't have now. I wonder if my ex compares himself to my current. I do, logically I'm with such a much better person, but my heart still won't give up sometimes.

 

6. I'm still close to my ex's aunt and uncle. They called me the other night. They told me they missed me over the holidays (we would usually go down there). My ex and mike (his new guy) went down there this time. They said, in confidence, that mike is pretty boring, didn't take any interest in them at all, didn't talk to them much, just sat around the whole time and talked about how bad people looked in the magazines he was reading. I promised them I wouldn't say anything, but it was somewhat of a relief to hear it.

 

7. 2 months ago, I ran into the ex, and we had a conversation. an alcohol influenced conversation. In it, I told him that I was in love with someone else, but I still missed him. He immediately reacted with "you love him?!" to which I responded "I'm in love with him, but I don't love him yet" (at the time I was feeling the newness of my new relationship, I really thought I was falling for him)... rest of the conversation:

me: so you're with mike?

ex: yeah

me: I thought you didn't want any relationship? (what he said when he left me)

ex: its been slowly happening over a while, he's a really nice guy

me: I was a really nice guy.

ex: I had to be with someone or I'd go f***ing crazy

 

I'm so confused and conflicted right now. I'm going to be seeing him again tomorrow morning. And he's going to be just as cold to me again. And I'm not going to say a word about it or anything because I know not to. But it drives me up the wall. Is it possible to feel sympathy for someone's stupidity? As in, feeling stupid yourself because of it?

 

Oh well. I'm moving now. I'm going to stay in town for a few months at least, but I feel drawn to move to the west coast.

[Ated]

Hey there! I don't have much to say as I don't know what to say...

 

I think you're doing well. And you're trying you're best and you're with a great guy... But that doesnt make you feel better...

 

Hang in there!~

[antkojm1]

I guess its hard for there to be any response, with the post being a damn novel.

[antkojm1]

I'm mostly interested in what people have to say about, and how they would interpret:

 

7. 2 months ago, I ran into the ex, and we had a conversation. an alcohol influenced conversation. In it, I told him that I was in love with someone else, but I still missed him. He immediately reacted with "you love him?!" to which I responded "I'm in love with him, but I don't love him yet" (at the time I was feeling the newness of my new relationship, I really thought I was falling for him)... rest of the conversation:

me: so you're with mike?

ex: yeah

me: I thought you didn't want any relationship? (what he said when he left me)

ex: its been slowly happening over a while, he's a really nice guy

me: I was a really nice guy.

ex: I had to be with someone or I'd go f***ing crazy

[EddieRentz]

sounds like a self esteem issue to me.

 

Do you think your success vs his lack thereof and lack of follow through make him feel bad about himself?

[LLammas]

Hi antkojm. I read your post (yes, all of it...it's not that long).

 

I'm in no situation to dole out advice (especially on why guys say what they say), but it sounds to me that your ex might have some unresolved issues about your relationship. It doesn't necessarily mean he wants to be with you right now, but there's the distinct hint of discomfort about the whole thing. My ex is acting the same way, but our break ups still pretty new.

 

In any case, hang in there. Even if you're not feeling it with the new guy, don't give up hope.

[ebsmith1]

It sounds to me like he meant that he couldn't "be alone". Some people have a very hard time just being by themselves. If they are alone they are forced to admit what they did wrong in the relationship and perhaps even miss the person. That's what it sounds like he did, he just rebounded.