Men, explain this 'concept' to me. "Getting some strange!"

[pregnantkitty_1985]

You cannot control your thoughts, just your reactions to thoughts. All I am saying is that to me fantasizing is healthy and normal unless done obsessively, and perhaps it has the added benefit of getting that curiosity, temptation out of one's system. I wouldn't want to know if my bf fantasized about other women - that would be too much information and disrespectful of him to share - but I assume he does or has and it's fine with me.

 

I wouldn't want to know either, I would be an insecure wreck. I would feel horrible. I would prefer to live in my own little idealistic world where he "doesn't ever, ever, look." Heh.

[Batya33]

How about where you trust the person you are intending to marry?

[pregnantkitty_1985]

No pressure.

 

I think it could be trouble down the road for you if you have that feeling, that you should be enough for him. Just remember that he may not be able to turn that switch off. I'm not saying you should say, "Hey sweetie, go gawk at every hottie that walks by", but I'm saying don't chastise him for glancing. My own feeling is that if you really feel that way, that maybe you're kind of insecure in the relationship. The real point is, he's with you, not her. Don't turn it into something bigger than it is.

 

I freely admit, yeah I'm insecure. Realistically & practically, I know there is nothing wrong with me, but I still am insecure. Plus, when one says "he's with you, not her" it kind of makes me think, well yeah, that is very true, but maybe that's because he doesn't think he could get with the hotter chick he glances at from time to time, and he better stick with the decent chick he already has.

 

Personally, I don't believe a guy when he says he never looks. If I were a woman (that's a whole 'nother thread) I would much rather know that my b/f or whatever was honest with me. And if briefly looking at another woman does happen to rev his engine, guess who gets to benefit? That's right... you. Not her.

 

I'd love it if they were honest but at the same time, knowing he checks out other girls would be waaay too much info for me. Then again, I HATE when I KNOW I've seen him check out other girls, and he lies his butt off about it. It's like- 'C'mon. I know. I was there. I even thought she was hot! And I'm straight! What are you, bliiiiind?'

 

But, I don't want to benefit from some other women revving my man's engine! I'm just too insecure. I want to be the only one revving someone's engine. I guess as they say, women are the emotional sorts, and I'd look at it as a sort of betrayal.

 

When I looked, did I want to have sex with that particular woman? No. Oh sure there might be a moment where I'd think, "I wonder what'd feel like to have my face between those," but is the urge so strong I'd do it? Hell no.

 

As for the last part, why would a guy want something on the side even though things are good in the bedroom and the general relationship... I'm not sure I've got an answer. My gut tells me that although you and your sis think it is going good, he doesn't and he's too chicken to talk it out. The more simple conclusion is he's a dork who doesn't really know what he wants right up until the point he's about to lose it. The wrinkle is that he actually told her his feelings on it... this has me perplexed. That may have been his way of saying that there are issues (pretty immature way of going about it), or again he could just be so arrogant that he figured he'd say it and possibly drive her off, or he didn't realize his comment would hurt her. Some people (not just guys) can be that dumb.

 

That's very insightful, and we didn't even think of it like that. That very well may be true. Thanks for the input; must investigate this!

 

I feel like I need a couch, your sister, her boyfriend, an hour of their time, and a copy of Psychology 101. And yes, that could be taken the wrong way... pervs.

 

Sounds like the premise for a pornofilm.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I often did fantasize about having sex with a coworker or something like that, but honestly, the fantasies I had that really were the best were about my wife. Why did I fantasize about someone other than her? I have no clue... variety perhaps? Why did I end up preferring to fantasize about my wife? Cause I loved her and being intimate with her meant way more than some cheap fantasy with someone who really didn't mean anything to me.

 

I do blame some of this on biology. Guys have an instinct to spread their seed (tacky term, but true) to ensure the species survival. But we have social limits placed on this biological drive, so I think guys have come a long way by just taking a quick glance at a cute woman instead of hump their neighbor at the local GAP.

 

You've got me worried, heh heh, thank god my fiance doesn't have any female coworkers. And my sister's boyfriend works for my dad, and he only has male employees. I guess we're safe from the coworker fantasies, but if a man's going to fantasize he's going to fantasize, clearly. Even if it's biological though, I wonder if a man can be so loyal to a woman that he wouldn't even fantasize about other women at all? Probably just wishful thinking though.

 

I was originally going to share with my sister the results of this thread, but have decided not to. If I'm this insecure and disturbed by the results, (i.e. I can't handle the truth, I admit to it!) then she'd be even worse.

[zerohalo]

I really think you and your fiance should talk about your insecurity. Trust me, you are both going to have a rough time down the line if you don't.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

How about where you trust the person you are intending to marry?

 

I would like to.

 

I'm not sure that marriage is on the horizon anytime soon anymore though. Probably not this year, anyway. We talked and he took out a loan and we're going to counseling like you & others suggested. Maybe there I can learn to trust him (and he can learn to build his character/integrity/honesty). Didn't ever post that outcome because I knew everyone would think I was an absolute idiot for staying with him.

[Batya33]

Got it. Glad that is the plan. I just asked because I assumed engaged meant there was a wedding planned.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I really think you and your fiance should talk about your insecurity. Trust me, you are both going to have a rough time down the line if you don't.

 

A lot of it has to do exes cheating behavior, and my fiance's own behavior in the beginning of our relationship, which we're going to counseling for. I don't mean to be blaming or anything though or not take responsibility for my own faults. We've talked about my insecurity about him/other girls and he just says I'm being paranoid and he doesn't ever look/think about/ or want anyone else but me.

 

Now, I know that is a lie. Everyone here practically said that any man who says that isn't being honest. Or something to that effect. But yeah, I guess we should talk about it some more (in due time, in counseling.)

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Got it. Glad that is the plan. I just asked because I assumed engaged meant there was a wedding planned.

 

We're technically still engaged, still have the ring on, but we never made actual physical plans. Most plans we just talked about and most were in my head. Luckily I decided to postpone it until I'm sure he can be trusted and has met my standards. You and everyone else did really help me though, even despite not following everyone's advice to leave. It helped immensely, you'll never know how much.

[zerohalo]

Glad we could help. I hope counseling works for you both.

[Mark1016]

When I look, I am admiring God's handiwork. He really knew what he was doing when he created the female body!