A marriage without sex, is it divorce time?

[cranbers]

So I have been married for 4 years in july. We have a son who is a little over 2 years now. We have had sex 4 times since jan 2004, which was when our son was conceived.

 

It has been about a year since we have had sex. I have heard every excuse from I disgust her, to she doesn't want to get pregnant. Also we sleep in different beds as I snore.

 

So I don't know, she seems to have absolutely no interest in anything sexual. Once in a great while we will have a quick hug and maybe a peck on the lips.

 

She is also very obsessive about germs, so using the same cup etc is not allowed.

 

So being a 26 year old healthy man and being married, and having a wife not the least bit interested in sex. I am not happy about that, I feel like im missing out on what should be the best sex years of my life.

[annie24]

it seems like there is a great chasm between you and your wife. was she like this when you two were dating? did she have something traumatic happen to her, like a rape or abuse? have you tried talking about the lack of sex? what does she tell you?

 

I think before hitting up the divorce lawyer, maybe see if she will agree to go to a therapist, or a sex counselor. unless she is willing to "look the other way" if you happen to meet another woman who is up for sex with you. some spouses have arrangements like that too...

 

what do you want to have happen?

[Northalius]

Have you gone to a [marriage] counselor and speak to him/her about this?

 

Is your wife on any kind of medication?

[Northalius]

it seems like there is a great chasm between you and your wife. was she like this when you two were dating? did she have something traumatic happen to her, like a rape or abuse? have you tried talking about the lack of sex? what does she tell you?

 

I think before hitting up the divorce lawyer, maybe see if she will agree to go to a therapist, or a sex counselor. unless she is willing to "look the other way" if you happen to meet another woman who is up for sex with you. some spouses have arrangements like that too...

 

what do you want to have happen?

 

Good questions.

 

I agree - Divorce is a bit much to think about just yet; try to go to get counseling, and work this out. If nothing changes then, I guess you've got to do what you have to.

[MacGyverRI]

She needs counseling for the phobias or OCD and you both need a marriage counselor.

 

I'm guessing she has some severe problems as it's very unusual for a girl in her 20's to not want affection or lovemaking.

[cranbers]

it seems like there is a great chasm between you and your wife. was she like this when you two were dating? did she have something traumatic happen to her, like a rape or abuse? have you tried talking about the lack of sex? what does she tell you?

 

I think before hitting up the divorce lawyer, maybe see if she will agree to go to a therapist, or a sex counselor. unless she is willing to "look the other way" if you happen to meet another woman who is up for sex with you. some spouses have arrangements like that too...

 

what do you want to have happen?

 

When we first started dating, sex was everyday. She got pregnant about 3 months into the relationship. She miscarried, we got married about that time as well. She miscarried several more times over the next 4 months then we conceived our son. The first pregnancy was not intentional, the rest of them were.

 

She was pregnant with her ex's child and had lost it in a car accident at 4 months along, about 3 months before she met me.

 

So yeah a pretty big complicated story.

 

She has told me that her past traumatic events has nothing to do with it. That she is still mad at me, while we were first dating I was talking to my sister about our situation, with her getting pregnant and we were thinking about marriage. I wanted to talk to someone about the situation because i wasn't sure what to do. I wasn't comfortable merrying her but my wife insisted that it would be good and everythign would be fine, that if I didn't merry her she didn't want to be with me anyone. My sister said no don't merry her, she sounds like she has some serious problems taht need to get worked out. I married her anyway obviously.

 

So anyway, I don't know obviously our relationship has a lot more problems then just no sex. However, I find myself feeling completely disconnected from her and I don't even see value or love for her.

 

As a man, I feel love and connection through sex,

 

is that normal?

[heloladies21]

This is probably the most obvious sign that a girl has emotionally left the relationship. Barring any kind of medical reason, a girl's sex drive is so intimately tied into her emotional interest in you that it's not even funny. The most nymphomaniac girl will lose sexual interest, the most prude one will want to have sex 10 times a day...It's all tied into how she feels about YOU!

 

At this point you still have some learning to do when it comes to keeping a girl's interest. There are resources to help you with that (including us) for your next relationship and it's gonna take a lot of work. But as for your current wife, she has already checked out.

[heloladies21]

And sorry, looking at your previous posts, you are a classic case of the doormat guy and the results with your wife are as expected!

 

No chicks wants a doormat guy. They will push your boundaries and lose interest until you get cheated on and/or dumped. You have some self help to do by yourself before you are capable of having a successful relationship.

 

And nobody blame the wife, she is only doing what comes naturally to her on an instinctual level. She is capable of being a great wife to a guy who doesn't have these issues.

[annie24]

So anyway, I don't know obviously our relationship has a lot more problems then just no sex. However, I find myself feeling completely disconnected from her and I don't even see value or love for her.

 

it sounds like you have checked out of the relationship also. I would definitely encourage the both of you to seek marital counseling. It sounds like you were kind of "pushed" into marrying her and having a baby with her, before the real emotional connection was there.

[cranbers]

What issues do I have exactly? I am not an {mod edit}? As the the saying goes girls love jerks? A man to smack them around once in awhile and show they take charge? Is that what your like? Do you speak from personal experience and have successful relationships to prove that? More information would be helpful.

[cranbers]

it sounds like you have checked out of the relationship also. I would definitely encourage the both of you to seek marital counseling. It sounds like you were kind of "pushed" into marrying her and having a baby with her, before the real emotional connection was there.

 

Yeah that is true, hense why i was talking to my sister about the situation. That really pissed her off. Even till this day almost 4 years later its like it happened yesterday. I never met someone who can hold a grudge for years and years. I mean its just weird.

[annie24]

i think it makes total sense that you would talk to your sis about it. I know if I were getting married, or thinking of it, I would ask the opinions of everyone, family, friends, pizza delivery guy, everyone on ENA.... I think you had doubts for a good reason!

 

I don't know, I can only speculate as to your wife's emotional state. probably the miscarriage with the ex's child might have messed her up a bit, and maybe she was so insistent on having another one with you to "erase" that memory. but, I don't know, I don't know your wife and I'm not a therapist. but it certainly sounds like there was a rush to hop into "family" life very quickly, while you both were young.

 

have you asked your wife if she will get counseling with you?

[pregnantkitty_1985]

How old is she?

 

It's obvious this marriage wasn't right from the get go. If you felt you were pushed into marrying her, well.. I'm sure that's something she's sensed, or knows factually, and that could very well be the reason why she's checked out sexually. As someone else in this thread said, emotions and sex are tied in together for women. How a woman feels for you can either increase or decrease her sex drive. Clearly she's not feeling you like she was at the beginning.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

(I'm not saying it's your fault, or that you're a jerk or have done anything wrong! I just think maybe you guys rushed waaaay too quickly into marriage and parenthood.)

[cranbers]

Have you gone to a [marriage] counselor and speak to him/her about this?

 

Is your wife on any kind of medication?

\

 

We went to counseling like 4 times a little over 2 years ago. it was a disaster and everything was brought up that was tried to be forgotten. We would leave with her balling and me pissed off. it was completely unproductive. She just simply will not let it go.

 

She isn't on any kind of medication. She has been to see a psychologist for her eating disorder but thats it. She refuses to be put on medication, she says her job is what she hates.

[annie24]

maybe try a different counselor? I've done therapy also, and I can tell you, I have walked out of these more sad sometimes than when I walked in. but therapy doesn't make you feel better after a 1 hour session, it's supposed to make you face those issues you would rather ignore and watch TV instead. it is hard, but those emotions have to make their way to the surface and get resolved. sweeping it under the rug won't do anything, except fester for a few more years.

 

maybe a different counselor would work better for you two?

[heloladies21]

What issues do I have exactly? I am not an {mod edit}?

Oh, the opposite. You sound like a very trustworthy guy, someone I would befriend. It might help you attract a girl, but this is not what keeps girls around.

 

As the the saying goes girls love jerks? A man to smack them around once in awhile and show they take charge?

Not the case. Girls will put up with this stuff, but it's not what keeps them coming back for more. It's the fact that these guys don't try and fake their feelings, they are 100% honest with their emotions whether they are positive or negative. It just so happens that these two characteristics are usually linked in guys.

 

Is that what your like?

I'm definitely not like this. But here's how I am. I'm actually a nice guy. A very loyal person to those who treat me well and that includes who I'm dating at the time. Never been physical with a girl, not your typical jerk that you describe. But the difference between me and you is that if I ever feel disrespected about even the smallest thing, I address it with force. I'm not afraid to get into an argument. And even though my gf knows I'm 100% into her, she also knows that I would not hesitate to give her the boot if I ever felt slighted. She never orders me around, she never places undue blame on me (I have been wrong though a couple of times and accept the blame as I'm not unreasonable), in effect she treats me fair as I treat her.

 

Do you speak from personal experience and have successful relationships to prove that? More information would be helpful.

I wasn't always this way. On the opposite, this is the first relationship I've fully been this way 100% and the difference is so apparent it's ridiculous. My brother is the same way with the same results. Both of us have girls who are completely in love with us and desire us like there's no tomorrow. I used to have the same problems as you though, to a lesser extent. Just a slow decline till I get dumped. YELCH!

 

I know that I'm just some guy on the internet and it's easy to deflect what I say as untrue, but why would I misrepresent? I have nothing to gain.

 

I honestly hate seeing people break up. I hate the pain associated with it. I want to see people get together and stay together at least sometime in their life and be in a relationship that's 100% fullfilling for both. This is learnable, you just have to have an open mind to it and be willing to try something new.

[cranbers]

i think it makes total sense that you would talk to your sis about it. I know if I were getting married, or thinking of it, I would ask the opinions of everyone, family, friends, pizza delivery guy, everyone on ENA.... I think you had doubts for a good reason!

 

I don't know, I can only speculate as to your wife's emotional state. probably the miscarriage with the ex's child might have messed her up a bit, and maybe she was so insistent on having another one with you to "erase" that memory. but, I don't know, I don't know your wife and I'm not a therapist. but it certainly sounds like there was a rush to hop into "family" life very quickly, while you both were young.

 

have you asked your wife if she will get counseling with you?

 

Thank you I needed to hear that. For 4 years ive been told it was the meanest rudest thing I could of done and my sister is the devil for giving me advice as to wait and not merry just yet. Of course when i asked my sister what should I do, she said well there are several chioces. Abortion, be there for the baby but don't be with her. So that is a big part of it. She is against abortion like you wouldn't believe. Then to find out in this process my sister had one at one point. So that made it even worse, my sister is now a murderer to her. Now keep in mind I am not all for abortion, I think in certain circumstances, it is understandable and in others its wrong.

 

To my wife there is no reason, excuse or defense for what I did.

[MacGyverRI]

To my wife there is no reason, excuse or defense for what I did.

 

she's in denial about the problems.

 

what type of eating disorder does she have?

[cranbers]

maybe try a different counselor? I've done therapy also, and I can tell you, I have walked out of these more sad sometimes than when I walked in. but therapy doesn't make you feel better after a 1 hour session, it's supposed to make you face those issues you would rather ignore and watch TV instead. it is hard, but those emotions have to make their way to the surface and get resolved. sweeping it under the rug won't do anything, except fester for a few more years.

 

maybe a different counselor would work better for you two?

 

We argued last sat about the same thing, my sister and how my wife thinks I hold my sister in some magical light. Now keep in mind she has never met my sister. And never talked to her on the phone more then 5 mins in 4 years. I have not seen my sister in almost 4 years either. I have a 3 year old neice I never met.

 

If I say I want to go to minnesota to see them, my mom sister etc. She says taking time off work is too tough, it costs to omuch etc. Now if I say I will go by myself for a few days I am threatened with a divorce. She thinks ill go to minnesota and not come back.

 

So there is more info which ims ure helps clue in on the huge array of problems this marriage has.

[cranbers]

she's in denial about the problems.

 

what type of eating disorder does she have?

 

She has the type where you eat, then puke it up. She also treis to eat as little as possible.

 

She knows there are problems, but she won't let it go. I mean she literally remember things that happened years ago. She remembers them differently then me of course. She takes what happened and makes it out to be the most horrible thing. I mean I never seen someone literally be able to keep something alive. I have seen her ball from being depressed. She literally cries like a oved one died. But yet she won't be treated for depression, she won't take medication etc.

 

In regards to ocd, yeah she has it and she is proud of it, she says its what makes her so successful professionally.

[cranbers]

How old is she?

 

It's obvious this marriage wasn't right from the get go. If you felt you were pushed into marrying her, well.. I'm sure that's something she's sensed, or knows factually, and that could very well be the reason why she's checked out sexually. As someone else in this thread said, emotions and sex are tied in together for women. How a woman feels for you can either increase or decrease her sex drive. Clearly she's not feeling you like she was at the beginning.

 

Yeah i would agree. I felt rushed and not ready. But I still made the choice. I have told her numerous times taht is the case. She doesn't like that too much naturally.

 

She is 6 months older then me which is 26. Her previous ex was much older and much more successful then me. He cheated on her with a young girl. She left h im on the spot. So yeah relationships have not gone well for her. I think she is going to take it all out on me too. Kind of like a man hater if ti comes to divorce.

[MacGyverRI]

She has the type where you eat, then puke it up. She also treis to eat as little as possible.

 

She knows there are problems, but she won't let it go. I mean she literally remember things that happened years ago. She remembers them differently then me of course. She takes what happened and makes it out to be the most horrible thing. I mean I never seen someone literally be able to keep something alive. I have seen her ball from being depressed. She literally cries like a oved one died. But yet she won't be treated for depression, she won't take medication etc.

 

In regards to ocd, yeah she has it and she is proud of it, she says its what makes her so successful professionally.

 

That's Bulimia and probably why she had so many miscarriages.

 

She is in serious denial and she needs professional help.

 

The OCD seems minor compared to the other things. Call your local mental health clinic/s and see if they have ways that they can make her go in.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Urrgh, that young girl situation doesn't sound too good. I'm guessing an underage girl?? That probably was quite a damaging situation for her.

 

Is seeking marriage counselling a possibility?

[cranbers]

I see what you mean now. Taht is true I do just let her control me in some manner. When i do try to take a stand on a subject. She will do what it takes to regain that control. Whether it is about money, my famiy or whatever. This can be if I leave she wil come stalk me. If I won't give her all my money then she will tell me to get out of her house. So yeah.

 

The fact you dont take any crap, sounds like a good approach. One that I don't typically do.