I've been wrong many many times, and boy do I wish I'd been wrong this time...

[Stinkweed]

for at least a couple of months until about 3 days ago, I had been doing great. I mean, I'm talking about moods. This is gonna be long, so feel free to skim or skip till the last 2 paragraphs or whatever. Anyway, the summer right after high school, I was pretty sad to let everything go. I knew I wouldn't see any of my friends again, cause we'd all go our separate ways very far from each other, and I already knew that I wasn't gonna have any friends in college, plus, since it's college, classes were gonna be hella hard. Then on my first semester in college there'd just be "good" weeks when at least I was able to focus on school and I didn't feel depressed, and then the bad weeks when I'd just feel so down. Then came the last couple of months and I felt pretty good overall. I mean, I was doing well in school, etc. Lots of things I still didn't have, but I didn't care and I didn't even felt like working for those (I'm talking about making friends, etc). Then these last days I've been feeling more and more depressed again.

 

I still don't feel like socializing, cause it's weird. It's like despite the fact that I don't have a girlfriend, and I've never had one, and I haven't made a single real friend since high school, I don't feel lonely, know what I mean? I probably should, but then again, maybe I was born to be a recluse or something.

 

What's a real friend anyway? I do talk to people, and try to socialize and relate to them, and stuff, and some people are friendly. But I remember the last friends I had, and the ones I had before those, we'd just goof around. It felt so much more... human... everything from the handshakes we had and the silly games we played where we'd tackle each other (jokingly. not like we'd hurt each other either, lol. But heck, we were guys), etc, to the conversations, and it felt like we had each other's backs but it seems that now in college the only people who do similar things (except for the watching each other's backs) are a bunch of jerks and frat guys, I just don't like them and can't relate to them because I'm not one of them (I've never been the one to mess with people, or to talk *beep* about them on their back, or to make fun of other kids just because I was with my friends. I never did that, even when I had friends, because I knew what it was to had no friends myself). Towards the very end I got along with pretty much everybody in every single class, and we had some laughs, but even before that, when there were classes where I had no friends, it didn't matter to me, cause I knew I'd be seeing my friends during lunch, or in between classes. And unlike the previous couple of years, I felt so great, like I wouldn't feel self conscious when I'd see people laughing (even when I knew it wasn't about my) anymore and it felt so great, cause some of my friends were girls and I got hugs on a daily basis, and I was actually funny, and made my friends laugh out loud (on purpose! not like they laughed at me. Now I can't help but feel that people would only laugh at me). And now in college, I'm just not the same person, even though I wih I were, cause I loved myself, back then (in a feel-good, not weird, kind of way). And I tried many things, from socializing the first couple of weeks (which I was told would be the best time to make friends, etc. After a while I kinda gave up...) to joining extra-curricular activities (I joined the only one I found interesting, and I only know the people I work with and stuff, but still don't feel like I'm FRIENDS with them... Maybe it is that I need to update my concept of "friends" to a more mature/grown-up one?).

 

Maybe I'm just an idiot who needs to grow up, but I dunno how to, and I wish I didn't have to, cause sometimes I miss feeling young. But feeling young makes no sense anymore, because I've got so many more responsibilities and a much considerable workload, less time, etc. The whole senior year I was pretty happy with what I had, yet I wanted more (for example I had always wanted to start a band, but none of my friends were into the same music I was, etc. Sometimes I thought in the back of my mind that maybe I'd meet people who would want to in college, and that I'd have new and different friends. They're different alright, especially if they're friends at all. I still dunno anyone who'd like to start a band, and I wouldn't even have time anyway), and as the year ended I knew things were most likely not gonna be that good ever, and that what I had (which was awesome. Not perfect, but the again what is?) was as good as it'd get.

 

Here's the reason I rant: It is not that I want to go back in time. But as of now I started feeling depressed because I live life day by day, and every time I think about the future, I dunno what I'll do. I chose the career that sounded "less bad" for me, because honestly there's nothing I felt zest for. There's nothing I love doing. Nothing that'd get me good money at least. And I know that one of these will be 4-6 years from now:

1- I will have graduated at least. Still no friends, no girlfriend, but who cares (it's what I feel like right now), but I'll be much farther away from my family, which is all I've got left, but I will have a decent paying job, even though I hate it or find it boring/unappealing.

2- same as one, but I will have regretted not trying harder to make friends or meet girls, whatever.

3- I'll be a failure, and my grades will be so crappy cause college only gets harder, and if I haven't been drafted, I'll just join the army or something, cause at least that'd be doing something, even if my life will be at stake.

 

Maybe I'm being a pessimist, but last time I thought about the worst case scenario (and it's not like I didn't try to make it otherwise, you know? I actually tried but there wasn't much else I could do), even though I tried not to think much about it and I'd just think "No need to feel blue. We'll just wait and see", the worst case scenario was pretty much what happened. And I'm really scared because my new classes are like 10 times harder than the old ones, and I'm guessing next year's classes will be 10 times harder than these, so I could just go crazy really. Last semester I didn't have a life, but I wanted to have one. This semester I don't think I'll even have time for a life, and will happen next in years to come? Will I even have time to sleep? Maybe I'm just being too pessimistic... But what if I'm not?

[robowarrior]

Negativity leads to nowhere, and instead of summing up doom scenarios, try to be the best man you possibly can be lin life. This because the future is flexible, anything can happen. Jobs don't mean all that much,and working is never fun no matter what you do, so you don't have to worry about that, and if it its a great job, well fantastic another bonus, but not something you should let your life be about. Its just a formality. Its better to settle for the brass in your life, and be happy. Then going for the diamonds and be overstressed.

 

For me it wasn't really about choices, rather self improvement. I mean at the end of day when your 80 years old and are about to die, you look back at the quality of your life. You have to do those things in life today that will make you look back with satisfaction when your 80, and not discontent. The best thing you can do is get a job where you can love and help other people. I mean then you have a meaningfull job. You don't have to think about the future per se, you can live your life day by day. I mean think about all the days you waste away worrying, then later think i should have utilized those days to be happy?

 

I mean c'mon stop the self torture and enjoy life for a day will ya? All the people who worry will die just the same as the people who don't worry. Or in other words the end result is the same.

 

Life is more like busses, if the right bus comes along you jump on it, if it was the wrong bus jump out of it, and wait for the bus to come along that brings you to the place where you want to be.