Expired friendship?

[Ated]

This is long and complicated. Pls be patient.

 

I have (or now HAD) a friend. I think we just 'broke up' today -- our friendship I mean. Well, for him I think the friendship was over about a month ago... Here's a quick summary about us and our relationship:

 

We met through work. He was a chef and I was a waitress. When we first met, we hardly ever talked. I kinda thought he was shy. I also thought that he doens't have anything I want in a man (based purely on looks. Of course, it's cos I didn't know him as yet). Anyways as we worked together, I've gotten to know him better. We talked about stuff. Lots of stuff. Deep and meaningful stuff. He wasn't like other guys I've met who can only conversate about sex. So I wanted to get to know him better.

 

We became great friends, always mocking around and laughing. About two months I've known him I liked his free spirit and who he is as a person. So my eyes have changed of course. Although, he ain't much to look at and he is a smoker and an occasional pot smoker; he had a wonderful personality and we get along so I started to like him. He started to like me too. I know this because I revealed to a colleage that I think he was cool and I'd consider dating him but it's just that he smokes.

 

To get to the point, I had my standards and he did'nt cut it. But I decided to not be 'superficial' and give him ago bcause we did get along and he had a great personality. So we started to date (for 3 weeks) and then he decided it won't work out because he wants to focus in his career and such. I said, that's fine I don't want to get in the way but we can still see each other? He says no.

 

A bit of background info on him: He broke up with his gf when he was 18 so he can become a chef etc etc and hasnt been with a woman since. He says he has loved that girl but his career was more important. He also told me that the 'love of his life' is gone and wouldn't even look at him because she is way of out his league.

 

Man this is hard, so many thoughts going in my head at once I hope I haven't lost anyone. I'm trying my best to explain this (both sides, so its fair).

 

So with that info I respected his wishes and said 'Ok let's just remain friends so u can focus with ur career. Afterall, I need to focus on my studies too. I'm a studnet nurse (one year left of uni!) So we remained friends but after breaking up things went downhill. He treated me like crap... he was moody. I had to always make an effort. Then he'd make jokes and it would hurt me and he would be like 'Don't take it so seriously Princess, I was only joking" and so (me being the sensitive person that i am, tried to work on that). He said just hit me back with a joke. And so i took that advice to make us get along. And then things are great again and then one day I think everything is great... but all of a sudden he'd be moody again and be have this nasty attitude towards me. It kept happening and one day i just decided to ignore him. Then he would say things like "what's ur problem" and im like "excuse me?!" and he'd make it sound like I'm an evil person or sumthing.

 

This became a pattern. Up and down. One day we are inseperable, then one day he will be like "this isn't gonna work out". He says it isn't going to work out because we became "f" buddies and he thinks that whenever we get intimate I act all 'couple-y' and he said that we tested the waters and it didnt owrk out, and he doesn't want that again. To get into a tangent, out of the blue he will say that "NOTHING happened" we never dated we just tested the waters, then another day he will say "Ur my ex blah blah we can't be friends". So at this point I've realised he doesnt knwo what he wants. He also chages his mind about his career. He has convinced me and i've trusted that his reasons for breaking up with me was true. He had a passion for cooking. That's why i respected his wishes and said ok... lets just be friends.

 

Come into the picture a girl. I dun mean to sound judgemental cos i'm not. But i'm just trying to show u my point of view and facts. This girl is less educated than i am, she is one year older, she smokes, unlike me. This led me to believe that maybe he likes this girl because of familiarity and hey, similar interests too... But i got kind of angry and jealous bcause he told me he was career orientated and assured me that he isnt looking for a relatinshp for a while! Then that happened.

 

Before the girl came into picture he mentioned to me on the phone that he wondered why i 'bothered' with him. He stated that he didnt have a low self esteem but he knows 'wat i am' and that i was way out of his league. And that the only reason he touched me was cos i touched him first. He said that he wouldnt otherwise dare trying to get anywhere with me. I felt good in him saying that and I kinda felt like "HEy thanks for thinking I'm great. I think ur great too'... But then why did he want the other girl and not me?!

 

He firmly believes that he has been 'true' to himself. He saif that he NEVER had feelings for me. On the contrary, I had feelings for him but I was confused about how i felt because i never thought i would be involved with a guy like him but now that i am i can't help the way i feel and i do like him -- i would even use the word love, i feel that strongly about him. Because he said he didnt have feelings for me, i tried to keep my feelings to myself, hoping that i would wake up and in time that we get to know each otehr better, i'd be able to clarify my feelings abour him -- whther i do 'love' or just have 'lust' for him.

 

fast forward... the pattern remained (friendship was up and down, his love for cooking was up and down) until one day my boss and he had a fight. my boss hit him because he was in one of his moods. My boss even said to me: "One day he wants to save me, one day he hates me", to which i replied "I KNOW EXCATLY WHAT U MEAN". Again, this taught me that he is unsure about things in his life. It also convinced me that he has this issue.

 

So after that incident we havent spoken much... He told me he doesnt want to cook anymore (reason for the break up) and that he just wants to move on and he wants nothing to do with me and that the reason we cant be friends is that im 'draining' to him and i am a 'negative' person in his life. He said that I lied to him. I lied to him about my feelings and i admit to that. I told him i don't have feelings for him because i knew he didnt feel the same way (verbal words only). But he did give me mixed messages! One day he would be like lets stop being intimate and im like 'ok' then we'd be hanging out and hed try and get m into bed with him. Im ok with that cos i wanted it too. But why back out on ur word?

 

ANywyas there is a lot more involved and id really like to talk about it. But i just dunno where to start... I want to move on too. But i just feel unrested knowhing that he has convinced that im 'bad' for him because i 'lied'? i lied about my feelings in order to salvage our friendship whcih was more important to me?! ARHGHH

[Ated]

I just feel like he just dumped me. Put an expiry date too our friendship. He said "We've had our time" "life is a progression". I agree about the second quote, but why end a friendship just because we dun work togteher anymore?

 

I WANT TO MOVE ON TOO. That's all i want.

[kellbell]

Hey there and welcome to eNotAlone.

 

 

To shed light on his behavior towards you...you were too nice to him.

 

I dated a guy years ago whom treated me like dirt and yet I continued to be with him. Things were up and down. One day he said I have to be more mean to him, not as nice. Some time later, I realized my ex had absolutely no respect for me because I let him treat me bad.

 

I suspect something similar happened in your relationship with this guy. I suspect he does not respect you. And unfortunately, there is nothing really you can do to change how things are between you now. He knows the kind of person you are and how the wheels turn in your head.

 

I am so sorry things did not work out and that you felt you lost a friend. Stick around here, there is a ton of support.

 

(((hugs)))

[Mightyxpro]

hi// i have been on this website for around 10 min now and your the first that I have read..Your story is very touching..Now, I m a male and straight and I feel that this guy was probably just looking for someone to talk to, but maybe it was a look or a feeling that came out that said "hey lets be more than friends"..Its not your fault or his...Im 19 and my parents have raised me to be the best gentleman out there.My adopted parents told me..one thing(well several things...Never lie even if its for a salvage of a relationship..or for money..telling the truth will keep your mind free and your body clean..

 

You said that the relationship was more important to you...Well is it more important to lie once or not to lie at all. I think its more important to call him up and ask him ...ex. (((Hey Mark can you meet me at Star Bucks and talk with me.I need to ask you something. What do you think is going to happen with this relationship? Are we going to remain friends or am I going to never speak to you /see you again.....))))))

 

Ated- You need to be honest at all times, thats how you gain trust in any relationship. "Im a rare breed so I consider myself to be very close to a girl..I understand you when you cry when your sad when your happy"..

 

 

Sincerely, Mightyxpro

[Ated]

Thanks for the reply. U are right I was too nice. I am unsure about him not respecting me. Signs point to yes (he disrespected me).

 

The thing that really bothers me now is that he thinks that "I" am a negative in his life. When in my perspctive i've been nothing but a good friend. In fact, everyone who knows me and him (colleages and frinds) have mentioned that I'm too good for him and that i should move on. And in my heart i know this, but if i am 'good' why doesnt he want me. SOme ppl said because we aren't on the same 'wavelenght'. But somehow i know in my heart that i think its cos he is scared of a good thing.

 

Like i said before he is a bit 'confused' for - lack of a better word - One time he says im the best thing that happened to him and that he loves me (as a friend only) and that i was a blessing to him and so on, then does a total flip. I mean I can move on, its easy... i just want closure i guess??

 

And SOLID communication. Not mixed messages. I mean, i know i dun want to be with him I cant see myself with him, i just want friendship, but he says no to that. WHAT? I'm not a camera that is disposable! I just feel... I DUNNO HOW I FEEL. But i know i feel icky! I mean, love just isnt enough!

[Ated]

Mighty pro. I appreciate your words.

 

I have ALWYAS been honest. I AM A "rare" breed like u. Just OPEN and HONEST, say it how it is type of girl.

 

But this is why I'm ging insane. I feel like Im the crazy one here. To put it in perspective here are the facts:

 

Me: I liek to think of msyelf as a 'good' girl. Perfect gf id say. I am 19 too, still studying, non smoker, occasional drinker. I am loyal, responsible HONEST, intelligent, mature, caring, GENUINE and just really friendly, down to earth - will talk to anyone type of girl. I am passionate and quite self aware. Truth be said, the only thing i can critisise myself about is that i am too nice, can be neruotic at time (perfectionist, i guess) and that yeh i may appear 'needy' in r'ships.

 

Him: Smokes, occasional pot smoker, ex drug polyabuser, has criminal records...

 

IM NOT SAYING THIS TO MAKE HIM LOOK BAD> Im just saying taht I know what he is and i accept him for who he is and i know who i am... i am that mentioned above. Why dun u want me? I am just feeling liek I'm worthless

 

That even thought i have these respectable qualities, that a guy like him can turn me down. quite easily. I recognise that these are a negative way to think, but at the moment this is how i am feeling. If i cant get a guy who is like him? WHO WOULD WANT ME?!

[Mightyxpro]

Ated- Well i have to agree with you..I'm also very nice to all..Its what you don't do that will make someone love you..(oo i said love) hmm someone will like you...I need to ask you...Do you use the word love in front of him...If you did or you didn't..How many times have you said that you "love him" B.c in my book i use the word only a few times..Its a special thing..Its like saying God or using a bad word.

 

i to don't do any sort of drinking, smoking or w.e goes on these days..i may have been around it but never did it..I tell the truth..But you may wounder how you can tell....Well i speak what i know..I love myself and thats one thing that he may not have..Its why he is may have those sudden "ups and downs"

 

Its not your fault. never ever say to yourself that its something that you did..remember this...you cant please everyone..You being yourself is what your good at doing..if he cant see that, than you need to move on. I'm one thats on same ship as you..the glass is half full or half empty. Your not worthless. your "rare" thats something that i would give up to wise:

[kellbell]

Ated,

 

Some people are not ready,or will be ready, to be in a relationship with a person like you. What I mean is, a person whom is caring, geniune, loves a person no matter what, whom is honest. There are people whom cannot handle a person like you and perhaps feel he/she does not derserve a person like you to be in his/her life. For whatever reason.

 

It is a shame things ended the way they did but you did all you could. The most important thing is that you are able to sleep at night, knowing you did all you could, you were honest and gave it your all.

 

Hang in there okay?

[Ated]

he knows i have strong feelings for him. I did say 'I love u" a few times... to make a point. Althought i dun need to say it as my actions speak for themselves.

 

I just feel so vulnerable right now. I mean its like... I'm loving and giving, but UN-lovable.

 

I realise that this feelings will pass. I just want to vent. I am puzzled at how ppl can let go of good things. I mean, I always see the good in ppl. If i were to find someone who was good to me, i would amke sure i do my best keeping them around.

 

But i guess he just doenst see me that way... Why am i attracted to bad boys!

[kellbell]

"I realise that this feelings will pass. I just want to vent. I am puzzled at how ppl can let go of good things. I mean, I always see the good in ppl. If i were to find someone who was good to me, i would amke sure i do my best keeping them around.

 

My word, you sound EXACTLY what I thought several years ago when I dated that guy I mentioned earlier. I was so good to him, treated him with kindness, respect. I wanted nothing more than for him to wake up and realize it. So BADLY!! I felt, if I hung around long enough, suffered long enough, he would FINALLY see what a great gal I am, what a catch I am! NOPE! Never happened. I could not, at the time, for the life of me understand why he hated me so. Why he acted the way he did when as I was good to him. But many months later, I realized....I LET this happen. I went against my better judgement and carried on with him, hoping me sticking around would some how miraculously change him.

But i guess he just doenst see me that way... Why am i attracted to bad boys!"

 

We as humans, at times, are strangely attracted to what is bad for us. For me, I saw it as a challenge, a vendetta. I just did not want to give up and stupidly felt he was the one for me, and no one else would do. So I kept plugging away. Obviously, I was wrong in my thinking. I am now with an awesome guy.

 

And you too, will find an awesome guy. You may need to re-evaluate your boundries and bit and stick to them.

[pinkelephant]

"If i cant get a guy who is like him? WHO WOULD WANT ME?!"

 

i was/kind of still am in the situation. i couldnt let an ex go mainly because of the same thing. not because i was in love with him, but because i was upset that he wasnt in love with me! It's the exact same situation. As far as superficiality goes, I'm better off than he is. But, as far as anything else, well, I'm not so sure. but there isn't a point to compare.

 

now. step back. and breath.

 

this may sound really cliche, but someone gave me good advice in my last thread and i want to pass it on - maybe it'll help you. If a friend of yours came to you with the same situation, what would you tell her? That she's worthless because some guy didn't want her?

 

Not everybody will like you. Heck, most of the time, most people won't even CARE enough about you to bother to like OR dislike you. What's important to know about this, is that how someone feels about you doesn't reflect your worth or anything about you, AT ALL.

 

This said, I would start worrying if everyone felt the same way about you. . But it's only one person. One guy.

 

I think this issue is a little deeper and that you should reflect a little more on your self esteem issue. I hope this helps a bit.

[Ated]

Pink elephant... thanks for bring the self esteem part.

 

mentioned earlier, i am a pretty self awarre person. In order for me to be that way, i do a lot of self-reflecting and self-evaluation. I also mentioned that im a student nurse. My last semster involved a study of mental health. I know that I DO have self esteem issues and thats what is killing me now. Because i do have a low self esteem, i try to overcompensate by being a good person, by studying to become more educated and u know just try my best to be respectable.

 

I'm not offering this as an excuse, but this is what has come to mind (supported by literature ive read while stuyding)...

 

My dad has never been around, met him for the first time when i was 6. Anwyays he is an alcoholic, a heavy smoker, abuser (to the family, mostly directed at my mother, but i was sexually and physically abused by him). I think the person that i am now is becasue of what i've been through. Analysing myself, i think that maybe i am use to drama? Maybe i just want the chase? Maybe, he reflects my dad and hence i am attracted to him because i think that maybe if i can get him to love me its like my dad loves me? I DUNNO!

 

What i DO know is that i am vulnerable when it comes to love. Having no fatherly figure to look up to ruined my relationship with men (i think anywas) Like, if a guy sweet tallks me, im in... and being the person that i am... once im in, im in... Im no traitor! If i love you, i love you... Im a woman of my word...

 

 

ARGHHH when im single i put on a facade that i dun need men. And i KNOW I DONT NEED THEM. Its just a preferance. I just comes down to me getting love and affection really. Just someone i can talk to... and cuddle up to... and be intimate with.

 

The reason i cant let go of him (i think is): because we WERE good friends and we WERE intimate... and so yeh

 

I like intimacy. And im not bragging but i can get sex anytime i want. Any woman can. I just DUN want to. I dun want to sleep around... But with him, i think a lot of my diffulty in letting go of him is that im gonna have no affection for a while...

[Mightyxpro]

"Silence is golden when you can't think of a good answer." I remembered that once i read your post...It popped up//one of those moments. Your saying you never had a father to rely on...Thats really sad..I was dropping my last gf off at her house and she told me that exact same story and I cried with her in my car. It was the first time i ever heard that...Im sorry that happened to you..I hope that you can forget that really bad thing that happened to you. I shed a tear for ya..and i hope that you dont need to re live that...

 

Ated , when you said "just someone i can talk to... and cuddle up to... and be intimate with. " is the most satisfying feeling you can ever have...

 

But when you say "The reason i cant let go of him (i think is): because we WERE good friends and we WERE intimate... and so yeh" you cant think this////// you need to know this..sit down and talk to him..Quit hurting yourself by not knowing the truth. DONT talk over the phone or text him just sit down with him...Get up and ask him to come to you. And ask him what is bugging you..

[Ated]

Ive done that many times. Evrytime we do talk its me who initiates contact. And i've really said all i can say... he just is too stubborn.

 

repeatedly he has rejected me : "I dont want antyhign to do with u... We should just be friends" we become friends, then he gets moody... we're good agian then we become intimate... everything is fine then one day he says "i dun want anything to do with u, ur getting attached blah blah' anywyas, today is the last time ive spoken to him and basically he said "u been calling me and messaging me, i havent been replying or calling u back. Isnt that hin big enough? You threw the ball in my court, i nevr hit it back"

 

I just feel so stupid... Like kellbell said, i shoulda known better. i knew i shouldnt have called. at the moment im feeling the way she felt several years ago. But at least i can take comfort int he fact that i know she did it and i KNOW, in time i can too. I'm glad to hear that she knows EXACTLY what im feeling and she is with an awesome guy now. It gives me hope... but still dun take the pain away at this present time

[Mightyxpro]

repeatedly he has rejected me : "I dont want antyhign to do with u...We should just be friends"...

 

ok well he is just leading you to know wheres....He's toying with you....i mean who does that kinda crap. Basically when his day goes like crap, he calls you up and than makes you said to make himself look better or feel better,, Thats all that can be said here. I hardly know who you are but your kinda awesome..and for a awesome girl you need to stop with the childish games that this guy is playing with you.. Your better than he is, you don't need to be around him. Your gonna be way better off with yourself..Just focus on your goals..Trust me ..trust me, I'm not stranger but I'm not full of danger i may be just your angel looking out for you.

 

Sincerely , Mightyxpro

[pinkelephant]

Wow. Ated, you might just be my twin.

 

Your situation is a lot similar to mine. My ex and I would break up once he gets really mad at me and he'd be really mean but once he thinks that I'm not around anymore, he'll call me back and it's just a big crappy cycle. Same with good friends/got intimate thing, too.

 

AND same boat with the father thing. My dad was very abusive toward my mother, which then lead to a nasty divorce when I was 3. but I continued to see him & was abused til I was 9 or 10 (nobody knew). That has affected me greatly and thus why I cling onto this guy so much. In someway, it's me clinging to my father. Ugh. Issues!

 

Anyway, this is how I've chosen to deal with it.

I decided to go on NC (no contact) to clear my head. I know he'll miss me within a week or so, but I'm going to give in this time and won't talk to him for at least a month. Maybe you should try it out. At the end, reflect about it. Don't reflect about it now and try not to think about it too much. It's an open wound, there's no point, you'll be way too emotional to see things clearly.

[Ated]

Pink elephant,

 

Yes, i do think thats what i gotta do. He has always always rejected me. And yesterday I VOWED i'd never contact him again. Gosh it hurt so much! Making my 'lie' as ammo to shoot directly to my heart! ARGH!!

 

But with me, i know that the only way ill ever get over him entirely is to be in another relationship... an official relationship, and being intimate with that guy. I dunno why i'm like that... but thats what ive learned about me from past rships.

 

With that said, i also have another problem, i DO have a guy that can potentially save me. I think he is keen to me. I say this because he introduces me to his work makes as his 'gf', 'future wife' and says things like 'ur so beutiful' and one time he invited me for dinner and his friends know me but ive never met them before! He cooked for me and put food on my plate... anyways basically, whenever we're together evrything is GREAT. I feel so happy, he treats me well! I like him too, but i was held back because i had feelings for the chef.

 

So whats the problem? The problem is when we arent together, its lik i don't exist! Like yesterday after i spoke to the the guy who broke my heart i was in pain and i tried to call this other guy and he wouldn't pick up. (maybe he's busy?) But i never got a call back... and This isn't the first time either! It seems to me whevenever i call he is unavail... i brought this up to him and he said 'i just got a lot of poblems that are occupying my mind' and im like 'well thats why i call u. To see how u doing, If u ever need to go out to just keep u distracted im in!" and he is like 'ill tell u all my problems later on... Its just im scared that if i talk about it ill cry. But you'll be really surprised, really". Because i try to not be pushy about it, i just let it go. SO we just move on. He did say that 'don't ever feel rejected when i dun call. I'm always there for u. Im just a phone call away'. ERHH WHAT?! BLEH!

 

Another thing that bugs me is that he is a private person. I respect that. But sometiems i think a person who has nothing to hide, hide nothing. What does he have to hide? I mean im an open person, maybe thats why im feeling irritated that i give give give and he knows excatly who i am, but i dunno HIM! He says that he is the type of person with layers... opening a level of barrier depending on how the frienship is or sumthing like that... But i mean, man wthat is the deal!

 

This guy knows my relationship about the otehr guy (chef). But he doesnt know about what happened yesterday. And yesterday is the day i LET the chef go (metaphorically). SO now what im ready to give him my attention, i started to notice the thigns mentioned above...

 

 

I'm really feeling a great dislike of men right now lol