Is my mum being abused?

[sweetheart21]

I've recently realised that I was physically abused by my father growing up (only realised it because of the comments from people on this thread )

 

But my question is about my mum. My father is very controlling with her. He makes her do everything! She makes breakfast, lunch & dinner for him everyday. I have never seen him make something for himself. If my mum is going out for the day she will make sandwhiches for him and leave them in the fridge! Another example is -he will be sitting watching tv & my mum will be at the other end of the house and he will yell MARIE MARIE I NEED A DRINK! & she will come running & get him one! Even though she is busy & he is right next to the kitchen.

My mum is very passive and thinks my dad is really smart and she is dumb (even though its the other way around).

 

When I went on holidays with my mum once I came home and my dog was terrified of me. She would shrink away if I put my hand up to pat her and would sulk in the corner instead of running around like usual. I am pretty sure my dad beat her up with a broom handle because of the way she reacted when I picked it up. My worry is that because I wasnt there he took his anger out on her.

 

So now i'm worrying that because I've moved out of home maybe he might do it to my mum.

 

I asked her once a few years ago and she insisted that he never has hit her. This may be true because I have seen him threaten her once but she never fights back and always does what shes told.

 

She also told me she is happy and loves him. They go out to parties and visit my unties and uncles together etc. But I cant help but worry she is unhappy.

 

I dont know if I should say something to her because A) she might stand up for herself one day which probably would make my dad hit her

B) she might leave him and then be alone and sad

 

but on the other hand she could A) leave and find a nice man that treats her nice

B) Get councilling together

 

What do you guys think?? What would you do in this situation? Should I mind my own business?

[anggrace]

No, I dont think you should mind your own business. I know I couldnt if it was my mom. Just stay in close contact with her. Go out with her as often as possible. I think you will know if shes trully unhappy. If you are sure about the abuse, then action should be made. Do you think she would ever leave him if he was?

[sweetheart21]

Unfortunately I am living on the other side of Australia now (a 5 hour plane trip) So I can only talk to her on the phone. I am not sure if anything is happening. Thats the problem I guess. I dont think she would leave if he did something because she does everything he says.

[anggrace]

Does she have any other relatives that shes close with that live near by? It may just be verbal abuse, not that thats okay, but it would be good if someone could check on her every once in a while/drop in. It sounds like shes become numb to the way he treats her. I think this is more common than we think. Its sad.

[sophie274]

Well I disagree. You don't seem to have any hard evidence that she is being abused, and she said that she is happy with him and loves him. She is an adult, and you can only help her if she wants to be helped. Make it clear that you are there if she wants someone to talk to and would help her out in a heartbeat if she needed it, and leave it there.

[SarahRose]

I read your other post and yes you were abused and most likely your mother is being abused emotionally and verbally.

 

She probably thinks it is normal as things have been this way for a long time and probably her parents were like that too.

 

You might say something but I wouldn't expect her to acknowledge it as to her it seems normal.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Yes.

 

Yes, I think your mum is being absurd.....

[yeawutever]

Yes your mom is also being abused and it will be in just a matter of time before he finally snaps at her. Most of the times, physical abuse originates from verbal/emotional abuse. Unfotunately it's her choice to leave him, that's sad b/c she might be experiencing stockholm syndrome. You might want to go to a couple counseling and inform them your concerns.

 

[sweetheart21]

Well I disagree. You don't seem to have any hard evidence that she is being abused, and she said that she is happy with him and loves him. She is an adult, and you can only help her if she wants to be helped. Make it clear that you are there if she wants someone to talk to and would help her out in a heartbeat if she needed it, and leave it there.

 

I think I will take this advice and mind my own business

[sophie274]

I think I will take this advice and mind my own business

 

Hey I just wanted to add - I would certainly not want to be treated that way, and hopefully your mother will do something about it, but I don't think you can make that decision for her. What I'm trying to say is: I totally understand your concerns, and how bad you feel about the situation, and I really sympathize. If you can be there as a friend and support I think that would be the best.

 

Hugs. Hang in there!

[sweetheart21]

I don't think you can make that decision for her.

Yes I agree now. I think it would just cause problems if I interfered. And I think she would side with my dad which would just end up hurting me.

Thanks 4 your advice