Pisces_Princess Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 That's great... how long were the two of you apart? (ignore me if I am being too intrusive!) It's just that although we are all going through similar experiences, you have passed through the phase and come out out of it obviusly stronger and happier as a result. I know you advocate NC but how did you proceed in reconciling? xxx Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted January 17, 2007 Author Share Posted January 17, 2007 Tony, I did the same thing in Oct 2004. I so desperately wanted her back, and I wanted answers. The question "How do I get my ex back" is like asking "What is the meaning of life"..there is NO ONE ANSWER. I stumbled accross MY ANSWER accidently. It hit me and the clouds were lifted so I could see. Someone once said that it is easier to be a third party to give advice but it is so hard to follow yoru own advice. I USED to think that way. Not anymore. I let go of self doubt. I let go of the thoughts of "I can't do that..so why try"..I let go of allll negativity. How many times have we said "They are just sooo lucky" or "that will NEVER happen to me"....WRONG! If that were the case, why even get out of bed?! (ha ha) Change those negative thoughts to something positive. When I get out of bed, I tell myself everyday that I am going to do something amazing. I tell myself, "I can do anything I want".. "I can have anything I want"..." I can make anything happen"...if I want it to. "Where there is a will there is a way"... You must have a WILL to feel and get better. You must learn that "the longest journey starts with a single step"...the step is you. I use analogies alot... In the south of the United States we have a vine that grows called "Kudzu". It grows at an astonishing rate....very very quickly. Kudzu = out of control I have heard people say, you can never kill the Kudzu, it grows to fast...you can't stop something that big. I said "Sure you can, Kill the root and don't plant the seeds" Think about it... -SuperDave71 Link to comment
TonyMar75 Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 That's great... how long were the two of you apart? (ignore me if I am being too intrusive!) It's just that although we are all going through similar experiences, you have passed through the phase and come out out of it obviusly stronger and happier as a result. I know you advocate NC but how did you proceed in reconciling? xxx Great question, Pisces. Been meaning to ask the same thing. I'm hellbent on keeping the NC for the month, but I'm also tempted to send a simple card at some point after that just to let her know that, despite the NC on my part, my feelings are the same -- that is, if the feelings are the same in a four weeks. If they are, shouldn't we at least let our ex know at some point, after we've given them space and healed ourselves? A simple card would be non-confrontational -- just a sublte yet powerful reminder for them. Yes, I know it gives them the power, but in the end, part of my scenario is that she wondered if I even wanted to be in relationship with her. Of course, when she dumped me I told her I did and by then it was too late, but I just don't want her to think that I've realized I didn't. Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted January 17, 2007 Author Share Posted January 17, 2007 Pisces, We were apart for almost 2 years -SuperDave71 Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted January 17, 2007 Author Share Posted January 17, 2007 By the way... My ex came to me....she knocked on my door and I opened it. I had no idea it was her. She said I wouldn't answer her calls so this was the only way she could get me to talk to her. She made the effort....and she KEPT doing it. Her actions spoke louder than any words.... -SuperDave71 Link to comment
Pisces_Princess Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 You are amazing...you kept NC for 2 years??? Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted January 17, 2007 Author Share Posted January 17, 2007 Pisces, I did see my ex while we were broken up in the beginning because I wanted her back so badly...then I stopped I kept NC for a loooong time... -SuperDave71 Link to comment
pinkbunnie Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 good morning everyone im feeling so depressed now....cried last night... im not sure if this is normal for me to feel like this and its been 2 month we been broken up. its getting harder than i thought. i miss him more and more each day. i just feel so hopeless and weak now. right now i just miss being with him...hes probably not missing me at all or who knows what or how he is feeling now. its day 1 of no contact today...( starting over). i just need to be a lil more stronger than i am now. Link to comment
AllTornUp Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I'm leaning toward telling them out of town and taking her up on a dinner after we get back. I know there's a part of me that wants to see her again, but I think it's mostly because I want to remove the possibility of crying in front of her and reduce the likelyhood of crying in front of the kids.. Link to comment
Shaker Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 AllTornUp, I think your plan of talking to your children when you're out of town is best. If you do decide that they need a chance to say goodbye, a neutral meeting at a restaurant sounds like a good possibility. I'm sorry, but I don't remember the ages of your children, and that makes a difference. You don't have to decide now about if you'll meet up with her down the road. I know being a parent makes you feel like you need to have all the answers, but I think getting out of town will make things more clear. Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted January 17, 2007 Author Share Posted January 17, 2007 Alltornup, DON'T EVER EVER EVER EVER cry in front of an ex IF YOU CAN HUMANLY HELP IT!!! PLEEEEEEEEASE trust me on this one. Crying only twists the knife your ex MAY BE feeling in her side for hurting you already. You would NOT be crying in front of your children because she will no longer be there...you would be crying because she is GONE FROM YOU ALL....PERIOD. You really need to get a grip on your situation especially for your kids. You must have known that when you started dating and the MOMENT you let her move in, that you MIGHT have to deal with this in the future. You need to be STRONG for your KIDS!! NO EXCEPTIONS. I know it may be hard on them, but it will present itself soon regardless WHEN you tell them. As far as the "opportunity to say good-bye", is she dead, or moving to another state? This is a dramtic statement for you, NOT them. Your children will love her no matter what. I am certain they will miss her and God love them. The fact stands you need to be a MAN and SUPER DAD...when this happens. Telling your kids has nothing to do with your post. It's the PANIC factor that is setting in because you know when you leave tomorrow, she will be GONE when you get back. THAT is the issue here. You are not thinking clearly on this. She already said, we can have dinner with the children when you get back. She is making an effort..small or not. You are making this harder than it is my friend. I know you will miss her, I know she will miss you but you have to realize that she is OUT OF YOUR HOUSE WHEN YOU GET BACK. If you love her as much as you SAY you do....Take alllll that love and SMOOTHER YOUR KIDS WITH IT!!! SMILE WITH YOUR CHILDREN and BE THANKFUL YOU HAVE LOVING KIDS AND THAT THEY HAVE A GREAT DAD!! THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOUR EX...THIS IS ABOUT YOU GROWING...AND LEARNING TO DEAL WITH A SITUATION YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER. I wish you the best. I seriously do. Let go of yoru drama and fear... Just let go... -SuperDave71 Link to comment
luvmykids Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 alltornup, Think back to your marriage..and when it ended...take a sec and think. how did you feel? Im willing to bet you felt the same or worse then your feeling right now...YOU GOT THROUGH THAT, RIGHT? your going to make it this time also..I know your in pain. try and askk yourself..."why would I want to be with someone who doesnt want me"? That is the hardest thing...excepting that the person you want doesnt want you. that doesnt make you worth any less. Like Dave says..NC gives you the chance to look at things from a distance. GIVE yourself that..not false hopes. maybe, if you think it would be too hard to do the dinner thing, she could just pick up the kids and take them out for a bit to say what she needs to say. And while they are doing that...move your furniture around..change things in your house..MAKE IT YOURS, insted of "OURS".... I think after she is out of the house things will get easier for you. You will have YOUR space back. thinking of you! Link to comment
luvmykids Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Try and think positive alltornup.... baby steps.....you wont be coming home to an empty house..you will be coming HOME to a new project...that is if you take my advice and re-arrange things..it helps..honest! Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted January 17, 2007 Author Share Posted January 17, 2007 I agree luvmykids.. -SuperDave71 Link to comment
luvmykids Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Once when I was going through some tough times, I was looking through the cards at the store...saw one that made me smile..I bought it for myself. it read: When life hands you lemons..make lemonade. on the other hand.. when life hands you sh*t..DONT MAKE ANYTHING! I laughed so hard! needless to say.. i ended up giving that card to my sister a couple months later when she was going through a tough time. Link to comment
luvmykids Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 I agree luvmykids.. -SuperDave71 Thanks Dave, I find that trying to help others, helps me.. We all get sooo cought up in our thoughts/emotions. when I try to give advice..I find myself saying "wow", Im geting out of my own head for a sec. Link to comment
AllTornUp Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 OK, I will wait to tell them out of town. And I will be strong for them. And I will take her up on the dinner after we get back. I guess I was making it harder than it needed to be like you said, Dave. And I was using No Contact as the scapegoat. Link to comment
AllTornUp Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 I'm sorry, but I don't remember the ages of your children, and that makes a difference. They are 6 and 9. Link to comment
AllTornUp Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 DON'T EVER EVER EVER EVER cry in front of an ex IF YOU CAN HUMANLY HELP IT!!! PLEEEEEEEEASE trust me on this one. SuperDave, I know that I shouldn't, and that is why I didn't want to tell them with her present, because I know I wouldn't be able to help it. I haven't cried in front of her for 10 days and counting now.. Link to comment
TonyMar75 Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Thanks Dave, I find that trying to help others, helps me.. We all get sooo cought up in our thoughts/emotions. when I try to give advice..I find myself saying "wow", Im geting out of my own head for a sec. I couldn't have said it better, Luv! Link to comment
AllTornUp Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 I did get through it last time. I know I'll get through it this time. I really want to do better this time. I handled things so badly last time. I NEED to be SUPERDAD like SuperDave said. And that is very good advice about moving furniture around. I've already been thinking about that. About how nice it will be to have space once she moves all of her stuff out. I plan to rearrange the bedroom for sure. Link to comment
comfyshoes Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 day 8 i think. had a hard time withe the therapist last night. cried a lot. don't know why. i really don't fell like crying until i am sat in that room with that woman. I'm feeling fairly balanced right now, sleeping better, making jokes, being more like my old self. I did get an email from her today. `it was in reply to the one i thought that had been returned to ma as an error. I sent her a simple few lines telling her to expect some money in the mail from me (when she * * * *ed me over in october, she gave me $1700 to 'reimburse' my expences for air fare and taking six weeks off work. the money has sat in my kitchen drawer untouched since then). i only wanted to let her know that the envelopes that she would be getting from the UK would contain cash as i had a feeling that she would just through anything away that she thought was from me. she sent a reply asking how often i would be mailing the installments of money to her!!! would it be one a day, one a week??? asked me if there was anything i had given her that i would like returned. even though she is on my mind a lot of the time, i really have no urge to contact her. I know for the sake of my sanity i cannot ever be with her again. You learn from mistake after one or two break ups how to make a relationship stronger. i think after being dumped six time, i 'm done trying to make anything stronger except me. she will never meet me half way. apparently she can't deal with my jealousy, but i have to be accepting of the fact that she is a flirt and constantly cheats on me emotionally (it's just her nature!!) no way.no more. this NC has to be all about healing me, not getting back with her. i'm stronger than i've ever been when she has done this to me. would you send the money back? i just feel that while i have it, it helps to ease her guilt. and i want her to feel guilty. for the first time , even though we are no longer in a relationship, i want her to take ownership of a mess she created, to deal with it and face it's consiquences. shoes Link to comment
AllTornUp Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 would you send the money back? i just feel that while i have it, it helps to ease her guilt. and i want her to feel guilty. for the first time , even though we are no longer in a relationship, i want her to take ownership of a mess she created, to deal with it and face it's consiquences. shoes Shoes, I would return the money because it's the right thing to do. NOT so she'd feel guilty. Link to comment
luvmykids Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Shoes, I see some anger here! not a bad thing,actually healthy in the healing proscess...( if you dont let it get out of control) BUT.... You cant make someone feel guilt or take responiblity for their actions or lack there of. I tried to do that with my divorce and it hurt even more to know that he didnt admit ( and still hasnt) his roll in the brake up. I admitted my mistakes and wanted to hear him do the same..never happened. what I got out of my admitence was self respect/ self ownership/ and the power move on....hope this helps. send the money if you feel its the right thing to do...not to try and "create" emotions that you think/want the other person to feel. Link to comment
luvmykids Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Shoes, I would return the money because it's the right thing to do. NOT so she'd feel guilty. had to laugh alltornup. we were typing the same thing to shoes... Link to comment
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