THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[StillSmiling]

you know I believe you are going to strong enough to face him, if he shows this evening. Besides I have a scarier thought for you.....ready here goes

 

What if . . . . .a lovely lady such as yourself......meets somebody interesting who thinks your interesting and wants to just hang out. hmmmmm What now ?

 

I know I have a lot of issues from the old relationship and wonder how or what to do now. Sometimes I think it is more horrifying if I ever get the nerve to date again. Sometimes it is easier to deal with the fear you know than the fear you dont.

 

Just a thought

 

Your gonna be great tonight

 

Have fun

 

Dave

 

Thanks Dave!

 

I AM going to go. And you are right .. who knows? I am going with one of the Meetup groups, so I think there will be at least 40-50 people going. Sure I can hide behind someone! LOL

 

You guys are great.

[Steve 7745]

Day 20.5

 

I had a brain wave.

 

I've been thinking about factors such as commitmentphobia in people. I think I've devised a really basic set of tests to find out if someone you're seeing or a friend is a commitmentphobic.

 

First step is to tell them to close their eyes and relax. Sit down somewhere. You have to get their pulse somehow, so you will have to touch their wrist or jugular to feel their heart rate.

 

Then, in slow calm words, describe an ideal marriage situation, telling them to imagine themselves in it. One man, one woman, a few kids. Successful marriage, happy, healthy. Good jobs, managed time. Happy times with this family.

 

The tester may then begin to exhibit symptoms of fear. Nervous facial expressions, sweating, heightened heart rate, a sudden, seemingly irrational desire to end the test, etc, etc. If they do, you may have a genuine commitmentphobic on your hands.

 

It doesn't feel like a bad idea. It takes a lot of detail hampering to know what to look for, to plot the right kind of visual scenario... I think it's worth devising and experimenting with. It could be an excellent defense mechanism early in dating to pick more commitment ready mates.

 

It's not impossible that symptoms of terror won't exhibit as the fantasy gradually becomes a reality, but if even the thought of a happy relationship terrorizes them, then there's a solid bet that a long term relationship is out of the question.

[ccali78]

I tried this before and failed but I am ready this time. Today is day one of the rest of my life. No more ex I am very excited about this...

[StillSmiling]

I tried this before and failed but I am ready this time. Today is day one of the rest of my life. No more ex I am very excited about this...

 

Hey Ccali. Good to see you over here.

 

About the "test" .... LOL, are you serious guy? Would totally feak me out of someone did that to me. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[ccali78]

What test??? I have not read through everything but being freaked out is fun

[Ixtapa]

Thinking about him and wondering if he is thinking of me too.

[lkonohalanbu]

day 2 of the this glorious contest

 

looking forward to seeing friends from out of town and tonight i finally get to go out and party for my side hobby that i decided to pick up after the break up (promoting for clubs)

 

i still have thoughts of her, but i stop myself after getting hurt tuesday from her and the friend hanging out behind my back (found out through myspace,very nice! that's why i'm in the contest now), the less i know the better, going to move on with my life

 

hope i meet some people today and make some new friends, i feel better today, bought some whey protein and worked out at home, legs feel like pasta, even time i do a rep, it's like a big F U to the ex

 

nothing like hate to fuel the motivation to look better, i don't like being bitter about this, but it's apparently part of the process, i wish her the best of luck and it's time to focus on me me me me me me!

 

the people here are very supportive and have stopped me from breaking NC numerous times before i decided to join the contest, i need to grow and mature as a person, need to let go of the past and look forward to the future, it's funny how this breakup opened me up to be better but at 100000% more effort to do so

 

i should get into relationships and get dumped on purpose so i'd always have motivation, haha

 

keeping strong and motivated to change for the better!

 

happiness dwells within, my choice to linger and hold onto something that once was, i need to be in the what is, which will shape the me of tomorrow

 

no better way to rub it in someone's face that they made a mistake than to be happy, not to be happy in spite of them, but to be happy for you, but a little motivation to get me started, heh

 

ill be back to give updates!

 

i will find strength in myself and when i cannot muster anything out of myself, i will rely on you (ENA FORUMS), all of this is trivial and i will strive to be all that i can be

 

good work out song eminem - till i collapse

[Steve 7745]

About the "test" .... LOL, are you serious guy? Would totally feak me out of someone did that to me. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

You know. Some commitmentphobics also sabotage their efforts by throwing themselves at people who obviously aren't emotionally available, or getting into relationships that they already know won't work out. Like the girl who spent ten years writing to a guy from France after their relationship long ended, and even after being told it was over, still chased him. If you can't even imagine a happily committed life, how do you expect to achieve it?

 

Have you ever actually asked yourself, StillSmiling, if you WANT to be in a committed, serious relationship?

 

Maybe you don't want too. Perhaps you've inadvertantly been destroying your chances by chasing guys who aren't available. If a guy flat out says, "We'd never work out", would you keep wanting to see him? I have to note, you did just irrationally stop the test. You flat out said you would be "freaked out about it." Perhaps you were never looking for commitment?

[xRoh]

Day 2.

 

Crap crap crap. That pretty much sums up today. Doing better than yesterday though where all I could do was cry. Haven't cried today (yet). To be honest, I don't think I will ever see him again and that really hits home. Like.. I don't know. It's a very scary thought. After having someone in your life for almost 9 months, seeing eachother almost everyday, to suddenly disappear out of it. How will I get by!? I'm just not used to it.

[StillSmiling]

Naw. There was a time growing up that I didn't want kids or a husband. In fact I didn't finally commit until my late 20's and ended up marrying him after 7 years of living together. That didn't work out. We both changed so much after the wedding.

 

Had a few other long term relationships (7+ years) that ended on good terms, still able to be friends.

 

This one. Well, this one was different. And you may have some good points. I was perhaps not ready to commit to the degree that he was asking for just yet. But than again, it just happened so bloody fast!

 

To be honest, I asked all the right questions about his past marriage & relationships. I certainly viewed him a possible "he's the one" kinda guy. I know his desires were to also to live together or remarry some day. He wanted full commitment, he just wanted it quicker than I got there, and perhaps too much of me.

 

Hey, we're not kids, but to tell someone you love them about 5-6 weeks into dating is a bit strong. No? We were solid one on one, but to make noise about living together (not discussing, just dropping hints to me) after only about 5 months is a bit fast. No?

 

I will tell you that one of the grand "lessons" I have come away with all of this is, yes, I want to get married again someday. I told him, I never would. I was stuck in scared gear. That combined with his intense need of me just spooked me. Hence, I would back off at times, not be cold in any way, but would reclaim my space for myself. In the breakup he accused me of being a "workaholic & a loner".

 

So I take that part of the blame in the failure for it all. But I think I had the breaks on because he was not the right one for me. Too desperate, too fast, too insecure.

 

But he sure shocked the hell out of me when he suddenly ended it and walked away. I suppose I was wanting more time to move through it, or maybe I really knew he wasn't right. Can't really figure that part out.

 

So back to casual. If the right one comes along, and hopefully someday he will, I'll follow the same path, except this time, I am no longer "stuck in scared". Interesting the clarity that comes with such pain.

[GetMeBack]

Hi, all

 

I am going to take the time to read all of your recent posts tomorrow.

 

Not so long ago, I was where you all was and struggling so bad..If you look through my threads I too did the NC challenge and am a NC graduate..lol.

 

I posted like a MOFO and it really did help.

 

Some people reccomend taking time away from ENA but I actually found I missed it..

 

I also felt that dealing with the hurt head on helped me recover a lot better..

 

Keep strong everyone and I will post to you all tomorrow

 

Love GetMeBack

 

x

[GetMeBack]

I tried this before and failed but I am ready this time. Today is day one of the rest of my life. No more ex I am very excited about this...

 

Just wanted to say welcome to the challenge ccali and we are all here for you..

 

Post as much as you like.

 

GetMeBack

[GetMeBack]

Day 2.

 

Crap crap crap. That pretty much sums up today. Doing better than yesterday though where all I could do was cry. Haven't cried today (yet). To be honest, I don't think I will ever see him again and that really hits home. Like.. I don't know. It's a very scary thought. After having someone in your life for almost 9 months, seeing eachother almost everyday, to suddenly disappear out of it. How will I get by!? I'm just not used to it.

 

Hi xroh...so much for posting tomorrow eh! lol..I couldnt help it..

 

You are going to feel really crap for the first couple of days of cutting complete contact. Its like starving off an addiction, going " cold turkey " so to speak. You will feel a myriad of emotions, which is something that you are going to have to deal with . However, be kind to yourself at this unsteady time. You will get days where your on top of the world and you dont miss him at all and you wonder what you was worried about yesterday In contrast, the next day you will be in absolute despair and you feel as if your sinking into oblivion Awful. no doubt about it. The inconsistencies become further and further apart though.

 

The thought of not seeing him again is crushing, especially when you would have spent the 9 months of your relationship building dreams, hopes and plans for the future. However, those dreams are still valid, but they wont be with him. I got over my last relationship by facing all my emotions head on. I didnt throw myself into work, I didnt over work out, I didnt drown my sorrows in alcohol. I just felt writing on ENA helped a great deal and crying a lot helped too. Crying is a sign of healing after all.

 

Dont think about too much for now..just concentrate on existing as awful as that sounds but that is all you can or will feel like doing.

 

You will soon find your make new plans, new goals, and have new dreams..

 

and thats when you know your making it...

 

GetMeBack

[StillSmiling]

GetMeBack, I will take the time to read your story as well.

 

You have good words of wisdom. I hope life is happy for you now.

 

Thank you for sharing ...

[Ixtapa]

Hardest thing for me is not to go check his Facebook. Sounds stupid I know, but Im still really obsessed with him so Im tempted to go and look at his pics, find out what he is doing, etc. I managed so far ....and I guess it should get easier with time.

[Steve 7745]

Day 21.

 

I tried the commitment test on one person who I suspected would not be a commitmentphobic. Worked like a charm on her. No discomfort, no strange looks. Slight increase in heart rate which suggests she was more excited about the daydream then scared of it. Her behavior matches it as well, as she is in a relationship she is trying to make work, but has put deadlines on her actions (and stuck to them) to get out of it and find something else.

 

I think this week off from really working out has helped me too. I kept my diet regular, I haven't regained any real weight, and my BFP remains constant. But, my body has relaxed from running and working out, so when I start doing it again, it will "shock" it into losing weight. Useful.

[GetMeBack]

Hi Xtapa,

 

Whoever invented facebook should get penalised every time some has a break up in my opinion! lol

 

It does nothing good in a break up at all.

 

I would say, stay clear.

 

I will be honest when I did this challenge I deactivated my account for 30 days to help me do it. It was just all too easy to look at his page. Hae you removed him from your friends list?

 

I was able to click on my exs profile just recently and it let me in. I looked at his pictures and felt nothing. He even uploaded a picture of his new gf, again I felt nothing. Its a weird and wonderful thing when that happens.

 

I found that looking on the facebook helped every now and again to gage how " much in love " with him I was..

 

BUT DO THIS AFTER THE 30 DAYS.

 

If your ex's dont even bother to make contact you/beg you back in 30 DAYS whatever is on their profile can wait.

 

I would reccomend to trash all pictures of ex, memorabilia, if thats too hard put it in a shoebox and stash away until you think its safe to look at..or you " feel nothing" like I do...

 

my ex broke up with me in the novermber of last year which seems ages ago. It really isnt and we have made contact since and he was bitter as anything even though he says " he has moved on ". He did dump me?!.

 

If you read through my threads, please do not make the mistakes I made. He played me like a fool and would not allow me to let go..

 

I hope this helps a little...

 

GetMeBack

(NC Challenge Mentor lol- I love my new role )

[GetMeBack]

GetMeBack, I will take the time to read your story as well.

 

You have good words of wisdom. I hope life is happy for you now.

 

Thank you for sharing ...

 

Hi stillsmiling, its been a rough 9/10 months but I have met someone else and im engaged which is something I never thought would happen.

 

I have just realised how really bad for me he was. I am practically kicking myself for putting up with the bulls*** I did and feeling as if I couldnt go on over " him".

 

I am so glad I can see all this now, and you all will too..

[GetMeBack]

Day 21.

 

I tried the commitment test on one person who I suspected would not be a commitmentphobic. Worked like a charm on her. No discomfort, no strange looks. Slight increase in heart rate which suggests she was more excited about the daydream then scared of it. Her behavior matches it as well, as she is in a relationship she is trying to make work, but has put deadlines on her actions (and stuck to them) to get out of it and find something else.

 

I think this week off from really working out has helped me too. I kept my diet regular, I haven't regained any real weight, and my BFP remains constant. But, my body has relaxed from running and working out, so when I start doing it again, it will "shock" it into losing weight. Useful.

 

Hi he2etic,

 

I havent read your story but if you dont mind, please take the time to tell me yours ...

 

I take it your ex may have been a commitphobe from this passage?

 

GetMeBack

[DavidWRosario]

Day 3

 

Get the kids tonight, looking forward to it. Have to see her in a few minutes to pick up my son for school. Hope all goes well. She is such a hateful individual. Oh well.

 

Dont feel anything about her . . . that's odd, thought I always would.

 

Dave

[GetMeBack]

Hi David..

 

Hang in there! Share your story if you like..xx

[Ixtapa]

 

I will be honest when I did this challenge I deactivated my account for 30 days to help me do it. It was just all too easy to look at his page. Hae you removed him from your friends list?

 

)

 

I do not want to remove him from my friends list....as we were never really together. I fell in love with him BEFORE we actually made it together. I do want to be friends with him at some point, so I dont want to remove him from my list. I also think it would be giving him the wrong message (giving him too much importance). I have to be strong enough NOT to go look at his page....and if I do, oh well...I will survive nonetheless...

[Steve 7745]

 

Hi he2etic,

 

I havent read your story but if you dont mind, please take the time to tell me yours ...

 

I take it your ex may have been a commitphobe from this passage?

 

GetMeBack

 

Well, I have ventured a few guesses as to why the relationship ended. My best guess was that either she WAS a commitmentphobic due to the strenous relationship between her parents, or she simply lost attraction to me when she went off the pill. When she ended things, it was simply excuse after excuse and I knew that trying to rationalize this was a waste of time.

 

Her father has a successful medical practice and works for the hospital in her home town. Her mother was a manager until she married her father, then she became something of a stay at home wife and mother of three kids. The second child, a daughter, would constantly lie and create distrust between the two parents due to the distance that their situation made necessary. There was serious talk of divorce, although things have gotten better now that all the kids are out of the house. I think my ex was afraid of ending up in a situation similar to her mother's, where as her mother would not know what to do with herself if they divorced. It's easy to rationalize her fear this way, but it's her problem now- there is no "us" to tackle it anymore.

 

Since I'm not going to waste my time trying to get her back, I'm looking into my future. If I get into another relationship, I'd like a means to tell if someone was avoiding commitment. I've been together with a few commitmentphobics before and being able to weed out their lot could do much to help. If a two minute test could tell me who is scared to death at the thought of being together with someone, I think it's worth investing some time to develop.

 

Hell, I suspect a LOT of people on this board could benefit from such a test. But at the same time, I think a lot of people might hate it, possibly because they themselves are commitmentphobic and would reject the test to defend their conscious or unconscious beliefs.

[GetMeBack]

I do not want to remove him from my friends list....as we were never really together. I fell in love with him BEFORE we actually made it together. I do want to be friends with him at some point, so I dont want to remove him from my list. I also think it would be giving him the wrong message (giving him too much importance). I have to be strong enough NOT to go look at his page....and if I do, oh well...I will survive nonetheless...

 

Hi Ixtapa, thats fine whatever you feel comfortable with.

 

I just feel that things such as status updates e.t.c can be very misleading when your trying to heal and vice versa.

 

Also, I didnt want my ex seeing what I was getting up to without even talking to me, that was a privilege I believed he didnt deserve..

 

GetMeBack

[GetMeBack]

Hi he2etic,

 

You say you have been together with a few commitment phobes before, and it made me question a few things. I dont want to get to pychological here, and Im not sure if you believe in psychological theories into why people do the things that they do, but there is much to be said about how our childhood can affect the relationships we have in later life..

 

Now this might be absolute bull**** in regards to your situation..

 

But did you have a parent that made it hard for you to get love? Were they inconsistent with affection? Was recieving love as a child a struggle? Now you probably had an idyllic childhood but any psychologist will tell you that your primary attachments as a child sets a baseline for future relationships. i.e sons that get on well with mums make good lovers e.t.c I maybe completely way off..

 

Something to think about maybe?