THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[AngryHeart]

If you don't feel you're ready, don't do it

 

I don't know, nobody can really asnwer that question. NC may not have any effect on the relationship, it may have lots, it may have a little. Who knows? Sadly we cannot predict the future, and we just have to wait and seee! To be honest, if they're gonna want us back, they're gonna...as long as we don't act like total idiots (begging, or the oppsite..being mean) nothing we do is gonna have that much effect, if they want us back they just will. You get me?

[SamT]

yeah its true..

 

sometimes i imagine life without her being alright...maybe talking now and again.. dating other ppl and just talking about it even... that could happen... but then im not sure..if seeing her with someoe else might kill me

 

so i come to the conclusion that perhaps im not ready! :S

[Addicus]

hmmm the NC/LC dilemma..maybe this will help.

 

I was on day 37 of NC....I announced that I needed space to my ex. I new that at some point I would break NC by choice....not sure when..but I have been going over this again and again for the past week. I was processing through PM with someone from this forum. My reason for opening up contact was that she has respected NC from when I announced. I used it to get centered and not be on a rollercoaster. I feel that I am at the point where I am in a good emotional place..I kow that sendingt he email will probably cause me to take a stop back, getting an email will also cause a hiccup. well, I sent the email this morning. Basically I said ..Thank you for respecting my space. I hope all is well with you. I got an email back a few hours later....I was busy all morning so I wasn't waiting for an email.....she said "Of Course I will still allow you to determine how much contact you want. Warmly........"

 

When I got the email I was sad in a way...even though it would be crazy to expect anything and I really wasn't...but whatever kind of contact we have it needs to be equal and me determining the amount puts the ball in my court and I really don't want it there...although some might say that it is a good thing. Anyway...I may just go straight back to NC and let this go..the door has been open so if down the road she wants to make contact then she can.......feeling a little sad..but also feeling like I grew a little and really faced my fears. I even think that I got the closure that I was seeking.

[sara1]

What about the email made you sad?

 

A same day response which came accross very respectful of how much contact you want, to me seems very positive.

 

 

[Addicus]

It does......I think that the sadness is because it is the first contact for over 5 weeks and we are not connected in anyway anymore. I think that she has left a door open but I have no idea about what she is doing now..she may be dating..why would I set myself up for more hurt...yes..it is respectful...she has always been respectful...as I have of her and her reasons..which is why contact is such a difficult thing...she ended things to move on and I really should let her.

[sara1]

Well, you can first decide what you want out of the contact with her. Then see what she wants OR you can give it more time (NC) and then see if friendship or more may be feasible.

[bostoneric]

well thankfully i have some therapy scheduled today because i just received this email

 

hi there,

hope this mail finds you well. i have to take an emergency trip back east this weekend to see my grandmother in the hospital and my ticket costs $600.00. this means i cannot ship you your things for another month or so. i'm really sorry, i will try to get you your stuff as soon as i can.

best,

XXX

 

well as some of you know, I've been gone for 3 months. the last month and a half I've been trying to work out getting the rest of my stuff sent to me. Like she promised she would when I left.

 

so looks like i have to keep waiting now..

 

my reply (which i debated on if I should even reply)

 

I'm really sorry. I wish her my best of course.

try not to get too stressed about flying, I know you make yourself sick before you fly.

try to relax as much as you can.

you are going to have a long weekend i'm sure.

I'm here for you if you just need somebody who can listen.

(probably shouldnt have said that, but thats just my heart getting in the way)

 

take care, stay safe.

Eric

 

 

well glad i have therapy today because seems every time we have any kind of contact I fall back into a funk.

 

so after more thought into this subject of her sending me my stuff.

I'm starting to think she just keeps delaying and putting it off because she knows eventually i'll get tired of waiting and will bail her out and just take care of it myself.

that makes me angry because she promised me she'd send me my stuff.

she doesnt deserve me doing another thing for her.

shes had nothing but the easy way out in regards to everything about her ending this relationship.

[Irish Jax]

Day 25!

 

I actually missed him today. Not talking to him, but just the memories and great times we had together. I pinch myself to stop thinking of him and will not break NC because I have made it this far and want to keep racking up the days.

 

Day 25!!

[LilBear]

Day 54 here.

Good thing. I didn't think of him first thing when I woke up.

 

And then I thought..geez I didn't think of him first thing.

And then I realized that I think of him again.

Guess I'm still not over it yet.

[RaeKarma]

Day 2

 

Second day here not feelin as bad as I did on day one but I guess thats cause Im throwin myself into my schoolin more. I dont know how Ill feel when I get home but I guess if I feel bad Ill buy some junk food and watch a good movie. Me and my friends are hangin this weekend so that should be fun.....i miss my friends since we dont get to hang out much due to the fact that my main college friends are also in college sports. Im done with track and field its too crazy...a year and a half of that is crazy enough.

 

 

Anyways I remember the first days of me and my exes breakup. I was at school and I had called him tryin to resolve the problem and askin if he could give us one more chance. Of course he said no I had to sit in a bathroom stall and cry for like half an hour b4 I could actually go to class.

 

 

Its been six weeks since that day and five weeks since he left for army basic training. I have learned a lot about myself in that time and about our relationship and why it turned south. I must admit it was both of our faults (that still did not give him the excuse to treat me like he did in the end) and I realize the issues of mine that I am now working on and, if I do say so myself, am doing quite well on correcting.

 

 

We have not talked at all in five and a half weeks and I often wonder how he is doin out there in Fort Benning goin thru all of that military training and I wonder (sometimes worry) about what its gonna be like between us when he returns in may or june (about two months from now). Since we have been friends for seven years I would like to at least continue to be friends....if we both decide that a relationship between us will work out. I mean we have held one another down this long...why give all that up?

 

Anyways I am glad that I have made it through these six weeks....it makes me confident that I can last much longer...and I have also noticed a more mature demeanor about myself. I mean I know im only twenty and have still a lot of learning to do but this right here is one of the biggest learning lessons that I will ever have in my life....

 

March 21st I start the EMT program and then the days will fly by. Im glad I took on this challenge....it helps in the healing. Now onto day 3! lol

[honeyspur]

Rae - I really enjoyed your post. You seem so focused and level headed. I hope things keep going well with your self-discovery.

[SweetSmilingYeti]

Today is Day 7?

 

Or so it says. I don't know how I feel. I'm over this whole ordeal of having to think about him every minute of my life. I've become so disgusted with who he is and who he hangs out my brain is just forcing me to push him out of my thoughts. I still get the "pangs" whenI think of him at school, especially when I know he is behind me or something like that. But those feelings don't matter anymore. I just take a deep berath and put a smile on my face. I'm sick and tired that my ex has ben controlling my life for so long. It's time for me to take control of my life and start enojoying life again.

 

I had a wonderful picnic with my girlfriends and it felt so nice! I am glad I moved from the lunch table where my ex sat. I finally don't have to hear him curse and make fun of people for 45 minutes. Oh and in art I am making the cutest sculpture. I'm building 15 toy robots that are going to represent how my ex has just become another servant to society and how weak he is for conforming. The funny thing about it is that the robots are ADORABLE. It reminds me of a lot of indie artists that purposely make their music/music videos look so cute although they talk about relaly depressign stuff. It's adorable! My mom and sister are in love the little prototype I made today.

 

Oh I have a quick question. I'm not talking to my ex..AT ALL. But I was wondering if I should reply to little things he said. This isn't a big deal but I don't know what to do. For example, today I was passing out a bunch of cookies my friends made for the class. When I came up to him I handed him a cookie and he said "thank you". I didn't say anything. He then commented to his friend that he wanted another one but since I was like 3 desks away I "didn't hear" him. He never asked me for another one. I know this is totally ridiculous but I am just wondering how to go about in these situations. should I stick with NC? I can't help but smile that I didn't say anything to him. But I also don't want to seem like I'm being super rude. Then again he was the one that started to ignore me....hmm any advice?

[honeyspur]

Sweet - I would stick with it yes - but it's good to get several perspectives. Hope others here offer theirs.

I am really intrigued about your robots - hope we can see pics when they are done!

 

"And then I thought..geez I didn't think of him first thing." - LilBear

 

This was so sweet. I feel like it is a nice way to let go - realizing how comforting just a memory is - so much so we feel bad if we don't think of it every day.

 

Oooh Jaaaax is sooo clooooose......5 more days 0_0

 

I wonder if gee is having fun in China right now? What time is it in China? 8:20 in the morning...so he's eating breakfast maybe? I reeeeaaaaallllly want to see pics....I'm so excited about the Olympics in Beijing this summer.

 

bostoneric - I hope that session went well today.

 

Sam - I'm impressed - you seem committed to this. Are you feeling any better?

 

DuRuffio - " taking a trip this weekend, and really busy with school. "

This is great news - Where are you going?

 

I think all the discussion going on here is really interesting. I love reading this thread every day!

[SamT]

- sweetsmilingyeti - the art project sounds good! ...

i think you should stick to being civil, because you cant acctually escape your ex, you mayaswell keep face and just smile, get on with your life, and keep your head high. If he strikes up a conversation, be polite, not rude.. and make out that You are HAPPY with your life so avoid long talks, and maybe just short replies i.e. fine thank you etc.

 

 

 

end of Day 7

i have overcome really strong urges to contact her today, and just go LC...

i keep thinking everything will be okay, and that i will survive perfectly okay with managing to talk now and again. I feel as though im ready...

but it could just be my heart getting in the way!

ill keep going. HEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL! X

[Cartman08]

nc is really hard. What's with this lc deal? I'm new to all these terms lol.

[SamT]

lol its like limited contact... i.e. talking now and again through email, once a week twice a week etc.

 

its hard unless you dont have a hidden agenda basically!

[Cartman08]

Oh right do you think lc works in getting them back then? What kinda thing shoukd you talk about & not talk about during lc? Thanks for any help mate.

[SweetSmilingYeti]

I think most of the dumpees that do LC have a hidden agenda. It is torture because your ex will eventually want to move on (get a new gal/man) and then it'll hit you and it'll hit you hard. I think NC for a bit will put the respectable distance you need in order to start moving on and then MAYBE down the road you can start talking with you ex...if you want. NC is suppose to let you see your ex from a different perspective, to see your life from a different perspective. You might not want to even talk to your ex after you are done with NC.

 

When I started NC I started it because I was sick of crying and annoying pretty much everybody here, in my house, and in school. He didn't mind because I think he wanted to put distance between us anyways. Of course I've missed him and I've had a hard time finding out what he is doing now but if I wasn't NCing I wouldn't have had the courage to realize that the person I loved isn't there (maybe never was there?) and I don't want to associate myself with people I don't like even if I did love that person. Plus imagine me talking to him in class and having some girl come up to him and flirt in front of me. Ugh even thinking about it makes it hurt!

 

And trust me, I made a lot of excuses to keep it LC not NC. I have every class with him and so I made the excuse of "having" to talk to him. I don't have to. I've gone a week without saying one word and I am alive and I'm getting back on track with my life. LC wouldn't have done that for me.

[SamT]

it could do mate, its hard to say... but its pretty risky

 

have a look at this thread, and my reply if you like :

 

 

 

things to talk about? umm, just your life, and how happy you are with it basically, dont come off all sad about your messed up situation. just cheery

things not to talk about? your relationship, i know its hard, but try not to 'work' on it

[RaeKarma]

idk i dont think lc works. at least i know it wouldnt work for me. Goin straight NC is like good meditation and a way to gain strength. Its time u spend workin on ur self and resisting the naggin urge to call or text or whatever. As more& more time passes u stop obsessin over the phone and u go on about ur business. NC i think will show ur ex that u dont NEED them and they lose power over u and they become vulnerable & weak without u. Thats when they start to miss u.

[rjm0827]

Well in 2 hours it'll be day 10. I actually kind of had a small urge to call her today. Not sure why... I don't want her back. I do miss her but I enjoy the idea of meeting someone new. Just odd I had this urge....

[Volkslad]

Day 9..still think of her all the time, but not in the same way. M'eh, it too shall pass. What an idiot I was to beg for her.

 

NC is the ticket..tried LC for a month and it got me nowhere except closer to the friendzone. Why the hell did I even consider being friends with someone that wouldn't fight..even a little bit..for me?

 

She's mad about the NC, no doubt, and I had an urge for the last two days to actually apologize for it. So glad I didn't.

 

Hang in there everyone!

[bronte]

I think most of the dumpees that do LC have a hidden agenda. It is torture because your ex will eventually want to move on (get a new gal/man) and then it'll hit you and it'll hit you hard.

 

I agree, I was only okay doing LC while I thought on some level there was a chance we might get back together--that we were still talking because we both still had feelings for each other on some level. When he got a new girlfriend and told me that, no, he just saw me as a friend, it was like being hit with all the emotional pain of the break-up all over again. I thought I was going to be okay doing LC even if it never led to anything, but I really wasn't.

 

Anyway, almost done with Day #5. He made his first appearance in my Facebook feed today since I went NC--fortunately it was just "[Ex] is studying" rather than anything more traumatizing! (I don't think he would be insensitive enough to put anything about the new gf in his Facebook status, but you never know.) It was really hard to resist the impulse to click on his profile to see what else he'd been up to while he was on the site...but I didn't, I was strong.

 

(My personal rule is that if Facebook chooses to tell me about something in my Feed, that doesn't count as breaking NC--but if I go purposefully looking for info about him, that does. I'm trying not to become a creepy online stalker, lol...And I did tell Facebook to treat any stories about him as low priority.)

 

Honestly, it was a really rough day emotionally, a lot of tears were shed. But I'm excited to be nearing the end of my first week of NC. It has to get better from here!

[demonic-cookie]

Day 4:

 

It's kind of turning into like, having to talk to him because we're in all the same classes, but I'm keeping it civil and to the point. No more than two school related sentences per day, really. And it's weird because I keep on catching him looking at me. Not with love or anything, but with this weird kind of judging...angry/sad look. It's annoying.

 

I'm realizing that while we called each other best friends for such a long time, and every time I tried NC he just pushed and pushed until he finally wooed me enough to break it and we'd go back to being friends, and now that he has his girlfriend he doesn't even care, really. Clearly he was just trying to keep me in his life without having to commit to me, right?

[GizMo567]

The urge to contact has now began to burn more and more and more and more. I feel like i am going insane that i can't hear her voice. I wish i could rip out my heart and replace it until my heart calms down but i can't. I love her so much and it hurts not being able to hear from her. I know this will pass but i find myself stuck to my phone praying she calls. How sad is that?