THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[bummedout4]

Well today is day 16 of total NC and yes I do feel better now than when I started. However, I keep having these moments where I feel that I want to talk to my ex and just talk like we use to, catch up and see how things are. Sometimes I feel like I want to meet up and catch up, and also just talk to her like a normal person, it seems the longer this goes on we become strangers and not people who have been best friends and lovers for over 4 years. If this is truly the end, which for now it is, I don't want to leave it on a bad note or with any confusion. I just want to know straight up what is going through her head and what she is really thinking about. I know I want to do this but part of me thinks they know better and I shouldn't. I also get that impression from what I read on this forum. Next week is her birthday and I was going to wait until then to break NC and send her a card and maybe call her. Do I wait for that, see if there is any response and the possibly talk to her? I don't want to lose all contact with her because she is important to me, I just want to know how important I am to her, because she has been claiming I am but I just want the truth. Well I am just thinking out loud, any comments would be appreciated.

[bacci]

Day 4

Hey bummedout,

I wish we could schedule these NC challenge around important dates and holidays, but I'm afraid it doesn't work this way.

you'll have plenty of time later to let her know all you want her to know but I think for now you better stick to your NC. If you must, send an electronic birthday card, to let her know you remembered, but only if you must. Lots of people in the forum would reccomend against it though. I can only implement LC, yesterday i saw him because of Halloween and the kids exchange and now i'm feeling slightly nauseous with pain. I expect the feeling will clear later but then there's also a teacher-parent conference that I didn't plan to schedule privately, again, wasn't planning to tell him I need space. Now i better stick to my word. Not that I have any credibility with him, but I truly want to heal. So i'm sticking to my word for my own benefit.

I am hoping i'll feel better in two weeks, I feel like you do, missing the companionship but I feel like my choices are to hurt now or to hurt later. i am choosing to hurt now. It has to get better. Healing is possible and in time, inevitably we move on.

[shellbell225]

Day 1 for me. The ex reappears in my life after 4 years, loves and knows I'm the one then tells me he doesn't know what he wants, not the right time, blah, blah blah. Too wishy washy for me. Leave me alone and call me when you know what you want, either way. Until then, I'm over it! That's my feeling on day 1 of NC.

[LauraNYC]

DAY 1

 

I'm not looking forward to this but I NEED it. I've been in a non-committed, sorry excuse for a relationship for 3 years. So pathetic. I need to get my old self back and start living my life.

 

1 down, 29 to go...

[Reddy]

I actually started NC yesterday... so could i start with Day 2? Not a huge deal i know but in any case...

 

DAY 2

 

All i want is her back. Logically i know that RIGHT NOW that will never happen. I need to go into NC to avoid saying or doing something stupid again - i've done too much of that already. Hopefully i can stick with it this time.

 

here we go...

[mystery2me]

I'm in.

 

Ex needed a "break" because he is going through a divorce and his wife found out about me and all h___ broke loose. Says he cannot have a girlfriend now, which I understand, given that child custody and visitation matters are still at issue. Still, to be SO controlled by the woman he is divorcing is a little (no a lot) weird to me.

 

But he wants to "keep the lines of communication open." Interesting, since in the last weak his silence has been deafening.

 

And to think, this man told me I was his dream girl, and that he loved me, before his wife intervened.

[selkie]

Went 10 days and now I failed. Ex contacted me with emails and pictures tonight and I gave in and emailed him back.

I was polite, not gushing and let him know Ill be away for business trip for a good while. Vague, but sitll broke contact. ARGH.

 

DO OVER.

[Frangipani]

Day 14

 

2 weeks since I told him I couldn't see him for a while. It's been so damn hard. I'm trying to keep busy - gym, friends, reading books, talking here. It hurts. I don't have a problem trying to contact him myself, but I am really struggling with the fact that he hasn't tried to contact me to even say 'hi' and that he hasn't asked after me to mutual friends since we split a month ago.

 

Weird, most people struggle with breaking contact from their end, I do well with that. I struggle with him not contacting me - especially after I said that phone or text is fine, just cant SEE him for now.

 

I guess it comes down to either of these:

 

1. He doesn't give a crap and never thinks of me

2. He's respecting me by giving me space

 

Just finding it hard

[Reddy]

Day 3

 

I'm ok. obviously it's only day 3 so whatever, so far the longest i've gotten to is 7... how sad is that? it's harder because we see each other a ton w/ work and the shows we do (we're both in theatre).

 

but yeah, i'm kinda in a melancholy mood but i know that even though things would be beautiful if she came back, i need this time for myself. i am NOT ready for a real relationship right now period - be it with her or anyone else.

 

i just have to have more control over my emotions this time than i have in the past.

[flor12241]

I did it!!

 

He broke with me in June, we have spoken lesss than 10 times on the phone since then, have not seen him since July, have not contacted him for 30 days. I wanted to post here before, but wanted to wait for this special day to arrive.

 

I would like to post this here to show others that it is possible. I broke N/C several times in the past. I just could not stop thinking about my ex. Two weeks of N/C and then I would pick up the phone to know from him. I made it once to 23 days and...again, I broke it! I needed to know if he had changed his mind. I thought I could not live without him.

 

You know what? I can live without him. I like the life I have now. It has been VERY hard: I am living in my ex's country, had to find a new palce to live and moved to another city, too. The hardest months of my life, but I don't think about him anymore. I do not care if he contacts or not. I stopped thinking how to get him back. I do not care if he is with someone else, because that is no my problem anymore.

 

Why? Because I have found wonderful people around me, people that never left me, that always told me the truth, even when I could not see it. My friends, my family, my colleagues and, of course, all the people from ENA. Thanks to Clabs (now many things you told me make a lot of sense!), to Miew, Nixee, MarkD (I hope you are feeling better little by little)...and all the others who were here when I arrived.

 

Please, listen to what people tell you in this place. It sounds crazy. It does not make sense at all. BUT IT WORKS. One day, suddenly, you would realize that life goes on and nothing is worth more than living it.

 

Thanks to all of you! BE STRONG!

[pureofheart]

Flor: Hugs and congratulations!

 

Always ask yourself, especially when you're feeling down and blue, "would the man of my dreams, the love of my life, treat me this way? Would he leave me in a foreign country without help and friends? Would the love of my life have the peace of mind that I'm hurting and sad and not be by my side??"

 

The answer is a clear and resounding: No.

[flor12241]

Hi Pureofheart,

 

I remember you, too. Nice to hear from you again. It is right: that is the kind of question we should ask ourselves instead of all those what ifs and whys. But it is so difficult to see things clearly when they abandon you!

 

For me the main problem is that I kept on balming myself for everything, because I thought that if I loved him so much after he dumped me, then there should be something really wrong with me which made him leave me.

 

It took me a while to stop thinking like that, but for me that was the key problem. Once I stopped blaming myself, then the pain started to fade.

[deleted-account]

So I'm officially joining the challenge. I already did a fake NC for 30 days where I continued to look at her facebook. I thought I was in a good state and contacted her 2 weeks ago and we've had LC since then, but it's still hurting me so I need to go NC. Today I finally deleted her off everything.

 

My story is pretty simliar to what others have gone through. Both 23, together over 3 years. We pretty much lived together the first 2 years but the last year was long distance since she stayed behind to get her masters degree. I had a deposit down on a ring when she broke up with me in July. We talked a lot about marriage and having kids, and she definitely wanted to. We considered ourselves unofficially engaged and I just didn't have the money for a ring yet.

There's another guy in the picture so I need to move on even though I still love her.

[Infrared]

I know this is he 30 day challenge, but I'm still happy I've made it this far and I can't wait for the next 16 days to pass and for me to be at day 100. All I can say is I'm doing great. I've also completely lost my desire to cyber stalk (check her myspace, check her friend's myspaces), and I know this is a sign that I think I'm in the home stretch for healing. Tomorrow is my birthday, and i use to be stone cold scared of this day coming up. "will she call me?!?!, what will I do if she doesn't?!?!" Now I don't care one bit. Even if she did, I will not be picking that phone up.

[Crows]

Day 4... AGAIN....

[Reddy]

DAY 1

 

well * * * *. stupidly i said something to her entirely work related, but she reacted by ignoring me/blowing me off so then i said that i was just trying to help and that her reaction was uncalled for.

 

i shouldn't have said ANYTHING at all and once i did i shouldn't have gone back to call her out.

 

But at least now i know that i can't even talk to her about work unless it is VITALLY necessary.

 

at least i was only on day 3... ok let the games REALLY begin.

[Frangipani]

I hate this. I miss him. I won't contact him but I wish he would me. I went to the movies by myself tonight and my local cinema and I saw his friends work truck there, which meant he was probably there too. His friend lives accross the street from me too...seems like I can't get away from it. So hard

[Reddy]

DAY 2

 

ok, i'm doing pretty well this morning. got a lot of work to do so i'm gonna focus on that. plus i've got therapy today which i'm looking forward to.

 

i'm hoping it's a good day.

[bummedout4]

Day 23 for me and although I haven't made it to 30 days, I will be calling her tonight. Tomorrow is her birthday and I will be leaving out of the country early so I am calling tonight to say happy birthday and maybe just to catch up. I don't know how I will feel after I talk to her but I know I still miss her. I hate not talking to her and acting like strangers after over 4 years being togethher and best friends. I am not fooling myself that she will suddenly want to talk to me more and change her feelings but I know if I don't call, I will feel bad and it will bother me. I hope this may open up some lc and maybe we can go from there. She is still seeing that new guy so I am not going to be her comfort zone but some lc here and there won't hurt, I don't think. With the holidays coming up, I dread not having her in my life. I hope that as I move on and she takes time to evaluate what she really wants, that I will be in her mind and in her heart. I love her with everything I have and want nothing more than to see her happy. As much as I say I am moving on, I have that faith and hope that our love bond was strong and in the end she will see that. Well wish me luck, I don't know how I will feel tonight but I know that no matter what I will be ok, and that's thanks to everyone on this forum. Thank you all! Without you I don't know where I would be.

[lrw301jl]

Day # 9

 

I feel so much better although I still my ex and her little girl. I feel deep down my heart that I could do this. I'm getting better every day, I feel that even though it was my fault for us to break-up. I can't and won't live in the past. I love my ex and her little girl so much / that is why I'm going to just let them go. Like Superdave says; "Go with what you know" I know that right now, I need to focus on me. Even though is only day#9 of NC, I woke up today with smile on my face and I realize that I'll be okay! I'm so thankful for my parents and friends for the way they have supported throughout all of this. Tears are rolling down my eyes right now, but they are tears of joy! Hang in there, everyone!

[Frangipani]

Well tonight I went out with a mutual friend. Shouldn't have mentioned my ex. He told me that the ex had almost gone home with some woman on the weekend. I when I asked him why he thinks my ex hasn't contacted me at all during these 3 weeks he said, "well if I was to put money on it I'd say it's because he doesn't give a crap.'

 

I juts don't know what to think. I'm hurting so much. :sad:

[Crows]

Day 6.

 

I went out with my two brothers last night and we talked alot about our relationship experiences. It was very nice to relate to people close to me and see how similar situations are.

 

This whole day I have had a sense of real calm.. .more happy today,. Maybe NC is working now? or maybe it's just one of those days. Tommrow could be worse?

I'm trying to think more positively these days and hopfeully this is the affect it's working. It's time to really test myself to see what comes of this NC.

Sure I miss her like crazy but im starting to think of the thigns she did (not just me) anymore... to me that caused this. And if it could be salvaged... at all if we decided to get back togher.

[CreoUCLA]

Day 1

 

Well, I thought I would be fine just being "friends," but I'm not. So, it's back to NC for me... Live and learn.

 

-Mike-

[glimmerofhope]

Rough, dude. Sorry to hear that, though on the plus side at least you're self-aware enough to know that's a dangerous path to tread. NC to the rescue...

[CreoUCLA]

No worries... I've already accepted/let go, but I'm still not completely healed enough to be "just friends" (it's only been about 6 weeks since we split). I have more than enough female friends as it is, that deserve my attention over her.

 

The next 30 days should serve me well, as my birthday is on the 30th (and I won't contact her even if she contacts me). I plan on shipping her back a bunch of her clothes, apartment keys, and a ring she got me right before I leave on a trip to Cabo San Lucas over the Thanksgiving holiday. This time I'm really adamant about disappearing!

 

-Mike-