Ex broke NC again! it never ends....need advice please!!

[andreap]

Hi, some of you may know my story....if not, here is the readers digest version: My ex fiance' and I were living together for over 7 years and I left him in May of 2005 after not being able to resolve some serious problems. We went to counseling for a few months after I left...but the counselor changed jobs and it didn't seem to do anything but drain our wallet...so that was the end of that as well. Then we remained in contact...but mostly arguing over the past etc... I have gone NC SEVERAL times since then (the past year) and he always gets back to me somehow. Please understand that although I am actually technically the "dumper" here....I always wanted to work things out....to this day I would still like to do so. The problem is he will get back in touch w/ me....phone calls, emails, find me out somewhere....then we start talking again everyday...but nothing ever progresses from there. We did "hook up" a few times in Feb/March of 2006...and were very flirtatious w/ one another the last time we saw each other last month....He always says he has been "thinking" about putting things back together again...but then cannot commit to actually doing it. This CYCLE has happened at least 4 times over the past 10 months or so. So I finally sent him an email on 12/19/06 telling him that I would not be kept "dangling" forever and that I am not comfortable talking to him every day/night just like we did when we were a couple but not actually being w/ him...no way! I told him I would no longer be contacting him and expect the same of him since he can't make a decision and only wants to leave things in limbo. He called the day after he got the email....I didn't answer. He emailed me back the day after that....w/ not much to say but "I'm sorry you can't stay in limbo" (unbelievable ha?)...I didn't reply....then...on Wednesday he followed me into a parking lot (he was in a rental car for some reason???) and approached me as I was walking to the store and started talking to me!! I cut him short....told him I had to go...remained polite and went inside. What the heck is going on here? He has been very casually dating a girl during all of this. I do not really know the nature of their relationship .....it is VERY casual...he says he is "100% Single". She has never stayed at his place or he at hers (I still talk to my old neighbors from time to time)....and they are never together. I think it may be nothing more than a friendship....maybe a few dates...but nothing major. He has told me he goes out w/ her "for a bite to eat from time to time"....more for companionship than anything and that he is "single"....over and over again....so I don't think that SHE has anything to do w/ his indecisiveness??

What does he want from me? I have made it VERY clear to him that I don't want to be just friends and that I will NOT be left hanging....but he just keeps coming back into my life!! any advice as to what to do....other than ignoring him ....which I am already doing.....would be greatly appreciated!! The longest I have ever gone NC w/ him is maybe 5-6 weeks tops.....

[kickedin]

its hard but you deserve more after all that

[Relationship Coach]

Andrea,

He keeps coming back in to your life because you let him! A cycle was developed and like putting out scraps for a stray, he will come back until he knows that you are gone. As for his dating status, believe what you want but checking up on him through his neighbors is a bad idea. If he gets any hint that you are interested in who he is with and who stays over, you're request for NC has no bite. Bottom line is if he really loved you, he would commit. Remember, the sun doesn't have to go down for them to be sleeping together or intimate.

 

RC

[Siriana]

You need to continue ignoring him.

You sent him that letter only a month ago. It will take a lot of your patience and stubborness to persuade him that it's over. He's thick-skinned. But just continue doing what you're doing - ignoring him. At a certain point his ego will be hurt enough for him to disappear.

[honeyspur]

I am not sure trying to understand him is going to help.

I may be wrong, but it sounds like you are still unable to let go and have some hope that he will magically wake up one day and be different.

I suspect this won't happen and you are wasting precious time waiting for it.

 

It is possible he wants to keep you madly attached to him because he has a low-self esteem. A possibility that he can always come back to.

This may seem like a thoughtless way to be, but I am sure he does not see it that way.

 

You are doing the best thing right now by distancing yourself.

Blocking his phone number and email would indicate to me that you are serious about this. But perhaps you want him to cling to you in some way?

Perhaps it makes you feel good? Maybe you want him in your life because of the familiarity of him and not who he is really. Only you can know, but you should ask yourself these questions.

 

To truly move on is to have NC - that means setting things up so he cannot contact you.

Also, direct questions ("Are you ready to dump your plaything and be monogomous with me?" "What are your needs and goals in our relationship?" "What can I do to make you more comfortable with committing to us?") They way he answers or if he answers will guide you onward.

 

Good luck.....

[andreap]

I realize that they may very well have, or even are, sleeping together. My point was that there doesn't seem to be any real relationship there. It's a small community and they are never together. Literally just out for a bite to eat a few times or to meet at the gym to workout. People more or less tell me that they saw him here & there (always alone) or that he is home alone...unsolicitated on my part....just because everyone knows us around here for so long. My real problem is that yes, I still love him, but it has been over a year and a half since I left even though we have gone back and forth quite a bit since then....is there any chance that if I do the NC and stick to what I told him on the 19th that he will finally come around and commit to putting things together the right way? IF not, why doesn't he just leave me alone and move on? He says he still has feelings, but is afraid of things being like they were at the end. I cannot and don't feel I should have to , convince him otherwise. The major problem that we had at the end of the relationship stemmed from something that HE did....not placing blame here...it's too late for that now....just stating that as a fact that he and I both know. Thanks for any advice you have for me!!

[Siriana]

NC woan't make any difference to him. A year and a half was enough time for him to decide what he wants to do. He decided to keep you interested and to casually sleep with other girl.

[SWEET THING06]

7 years is a LOT of time to waste on a person, especially if it's never led to marriage. I say put this baby to bed and move on fo good. Block him, delete him. Do it now. Don't waste ONE more minute of your life on this guy.

[andreap]

I agree, but I also look at it as a very long investment of time in one person. I have known him almost 9 years now. It's all so complicated. I just want to either commit fully to putting things back together.....or NOT communicate anymore w/ him....which he obviously does want. YES, I will stand strong and continue to hold my ground and ignore his attempts to talk to me or see me. Basically I told myself when I sent that email a few weeks ago that unless he comes to me and proclaims his "undying love and wants to commit to reconciling"...that I will NOT respond...so far I have done well w/ that. I feel like he wants me to wait until he has his "life" together again. He has had a lot of work/financial problems this past year as well as health issues. But realistically he is just afraid to commit because he wants assurances (which he has told me several times) that it will work....which is of course impossible to predict. Ugg!!

[Bethany]

I think you should look at it not as very long investment of time in one person but as a very long WASTE of time on one person.

 

The problem you have is that you are waiting for the wrong type of NC to work and for him to change and come back but what you have to do is say to yourself is... It doesn't matter anymore what he wants, it's too late. He is too late. he had his chance and he blew that chance. I have had enough. There is NO coming back from this, I don't want this man anymore, he is using me and playing games with me and I won't put up with it anymore, he has messed with me and my life for far too long and every minute I hold out trying to be strong and get him back by doing the wrong type of NC, I am missing out on meeting the man who really DOES want to commit, who does want me for who I am, and who IS willing to take a chance on me without any stupid committment reassurances. It is HIS LOSS and I have now really and truly moved on and I don't want him back.