New Year's Update

[Mstyiyd]

Hope everyone had a nice holiday. Mine was actually really good. My ex invited me to her family's house for Xmas, and everything went well. It's a little odd to me the way our situation has been unfolding over the past 2+ years but whatever! She had asked to spend new year's with me several weeks ago, so we went out of town to stay with a friend of mine. Nothing sexual happened, though I still think it was weird that she wanted to spend the N.Y. with her "good friend"(me). Reason being, she always tells everyone she's single, she would never date me, all we're ever gonna be is friends, yada yada. But when she spends the night at my house, which she has done on a fairly regular basis since the fall, she sleeps in my bed with me.

 

No one in my circle gets it, but it's my fault for putting up with it. We get along well and have a great time together, yet we spend an awful lot of time together considering she is so fearful that I want to be with her. Does anyone else think it's weird?

[uppercut]

I find it quite interesting... Overlooking xmas and new years, she sleeps in the same bed with you. I dont know you guys at all, but in my circle sleeping in the same bed, even without any sexual conduct, is sexual. I mean do you sleep in the same bed with any family members or other friends? Does she? Have you guys ever openly discussed that it's "a bit different"?

[Mstyiyd]

Hi....thanks for replying to my confused situation Although I consider myself to be a competent, professional person, when it comes to her and our 'friendship', everything goes out the window. I seem to shut down when it comes to her, which i know is not good. A large part of that is the rejection she's thrown at me for 2yrs, and still tosses up every so often. The rejection is her telling me, from time to time, completely unrelated to anything we're talking about, that we're just friends and that's all we're ever going to be, etc etc.

 

I have asked her why she brings this up all the time and she tells me bec she thinks I don't get it. Then, I ask her to give me examples of what I'm doing that makes her think that and I don't get anything concrete. Only "I just feel like you don't get it'. Yet she initiates most phone calls and time spent together. I rarely do bec I don't want to hear down the road from her that I want her and I don't get it. It's very one-sided in that aspect. Most of my friends think she is the one with the problem, yet when we talk she seems so stern and meaning what she's saying.

 

I'll leave you with a perfect example that occurred this past wkend: We were sitting talking w/a friend of mine, casual convo, when the convo turned to sex (of course!) and my friend teasingly asked me when was the last time I had sex. Well, before I could respond, SHE pipes up, "Oh she had sex back in the spring with a friend of mine". No Joke! And what she is referring to is one night I went out with some friends after being depressed for many months (and I'm not really a bar person), got drunk, and made out with a girl who turned out to be close friends w/a friend of hers. Small world.

 

I normally do not do things like that, but I let the girl crash at my house. We made out (kissing only, sorry to disappoint, haha) and in the morning, I took her back to her car. No clothes even came off. I couldn't do it, have sex w/someone I didn't know. I knew my ex was gonna find out but we were NC for 5months during that time, and she prob was told that this girl and I had sex bec I let her come home with me.

 

And after she said what she did, she then started in with her typical, "that's your business what u do, I don't care who you're with, whatever".....well, for someone who doesn't care and tells EVERYONE all the time how we're 'just friends, never anything more' she sure spoke up with that.

 

To answer your question @ sleeping in the same bed, I have slept in the same bed as my best friend, but we've never been sexual w/each other and don't plan to! And I don't like sleeping with her bec she tosses around alot. We only have when we've been on vacation at the beach or whatever, and not often. I generally don't just get in the bed with friends, and when I've spent the nite at friends' houses, either I use the guest room or sleep on the couch. There's an appropriate boundary there that normally should be enforced. Which, with her, I obviously have real hard time doing.

 

Keep the input or thoughts coming....I could really use a good sounding board right about now.

[uppercut]

Well you and I are in a similar situation... Our friends have the benefit of seeing the situation without any emotional connection, and as hard as it is, it's probably time to listen to them.

 

My friends have told me time and time again "you're far better than her, you can get far better, just forget it." I think it's all the memories of the good times together that make it so difficult. I'm sure you can see that your girl is really the one with the problems, but it's like you're only looking at the good. (at least that's what I think I'm doing.) Anyways, it sounds to me, someone with no involvement at all, that the girl you're talking about does have problems. Maybe she is having trouble moving on, and wants to be the first to do so, but in the mean time wants to keep you second guessing the situation so that she doesnt have to bare the pain of seeing you move on while she is stuck alone. If I were you (and I know "if i were you" statements are almost useless, because noone else knows what you are feeling), I would try my very best to just forget her in any context other than "just friend", and move on. You will find someone else in a short order that wont play these viscious games with your mind, and you will be a hell of a lot happier!!

 

Even better, play the game back at her for awhile. She's in the power situation right now, but it really doesn't have to be that way!

 

I hope that you can see it my way, but as I know, it's extremely difficult. I've found that any words of encouragement help a great deal, and hopefully tomorrow you'll feel a lot better!

[heloladies21]

I know there's probably nothing anyone can say or do that would influence your point of view and the way you want to handle this, but the reality of the situation is that there is no chance this will end up with you two back together in a successful relationship. Using this "friends" sham method to win back your ex has proven not to work 100% at leading back into a long term situation. This site is littered with the bodies of those who've tried and they always end up the same with lots of frustration and false hope till the eventual day when you get dropped for good and are left with a worse broken heart and tons of wasted time.

 

So in the end I hope that someone reading at least will realize what's going on here and won't head down the same path, but everything this chick shows is that she's done with you and anything else is psychological game playing which will only seal your doom.

 

It's up to you to stick up for yourself and not believe the false hope.

[Mstyiyd]

Thanks for the advice. It is hard moving on. Realistically, I don't think we are going to wind up together. We have a good time hanging out. I would be lying if I said I didn't still have some feelings still for her...but I've been moving on with my life, and have made a nice group of friends over the past yr and plan to continue developing those relationships. Maybe smthg will come from that.

 

I know I'm better off without dating her. I just think it is interesting that she wants to hang out so much for someone who is so intent on us not dating.