sex friends

[candy604]

do you think you'll ever come to like him and see if things will work out? sounds like a sweet and nice boy lol.

[Rabican]

it probably wouldnt hurt to run it by him again what your intentions are. Just tell him you enjoy his company, and the sex but you are not looking for a real relationship and you do not want him to get overly attached, and end up getting hurt if one day you just decide 'it was nice, see ya'

[silky88]

Is this post for real???? Sorry, but from what you have written, and your attitude it sounds to me that you are not behaving in a very mature manner. I feel sorry for this guy because you seem to be turning him into a big joke.

 

i mean, i'm not a horrible person; i'm really nice to people (some have even said too nice), i haven't cheated in a relationship in my post-teenage years, i'd never hurt someone on purpose (which is why i posted here asking for others' perspectives), i'm generous both in and out of bed, and i don't lie to people... i just wanted a sex friend to pass the time with while my broken heart heals. i don't think of him as a "joke" -- i quite like the boy, but i know that we are at VERY different places in life and have diverging interests, so a relationship wouldn't work. plus, i happened to have met him at a time when i should not be worrying about having a serious relationship; like i said i have been in LTRs pretty much non-stop for 8 years. because of this, i don't know how casual sex works. i've never really been single. i'm trying to figure it out, and without screwing myself or anyone else up in the process... that's why i'm being up front with him; we've talked about it twice, and so far he doesn't seem to have a problem with it.

 

i know that some people may frown on a woman having casual sex, but it's not like i'm going out and having one-night stands in bar bathrooms or anything; i found a sweet, cute boy, got him drunk, stuck around 'til morning to make sure he was all right with everything, and have seen him for this purpose a few times since. maybe i'm not exhibiting the greatest self-control, but i do believe that sex can be a worthy recreational activity, even devoid of relationship context; i haven't always felt that way, but my own past experiences have changed me. (plus, i live in a college town where everybody is always hooking up with everyone else, and everyone knows about it -- i sort of felt pretty good about finding one of the only guys in town whose sexual history isn't played out in bathroom grafitti). it isn't against my moral code, and i'm terribly attracted to him.

 

Also if he is spending 36 hours straight with you, I can guarantee he is not only there for the sex.

 

well, i figured that was the "friends" part of "sex friends." like, i just met him, so i figured if i really wanted to be friends with him, it was okay to spend non-sex time with him to get to know him a bit. we haven't gone on dates or anything, but we've hung out like friends at some of his buddies' parties (basically young guys drinking beer and playing video games) and went to the grocery store and made some good food (we both don't eat meat, so we had a vegetarian feast!). he called me up new year's eve and we both had a couple of days off and it just so happened that it was more fun to keep hanging out than to go our separate ways until this afternoon...

 

On the other hand, you don't care, so you're just going after what you want and if he's hurt it doesn't matter, right? Happens all the time.

 

that's not true at all; if it were true, i wouldn't have bothered to post all of this and seeing what other people think or feel about this. obviously i don't want to hurt anybody, least of all a sweet boy who has limited sex and relationship experience. he's adorable and smart and totally a good person and southern gentleman. it's just that he acts like my little brother a lot of times. he's kind of juvenile and innocent for his age -- which is okay for me for the short-term, but there's no future there unless he magically grows up in a hurry. i'm used to dating guys 28-38 who are a lot more mature. yes, this guy is injecting some much-needed fun and spontaneity in my life (not to mention the good sex), but if i do ever get into a relationship again, it will be with someone who is more ready to settle down. i haven't dated someone under 25 since i was 18. he'd be the perfect partner for me if i was who i used to be when i was much younger, but i'm not, you know?

 

it probably wouldnt hurt to run it by him again what your intentions are. Just tell him you enjoy his company, and the sex but you are not looking for a real relationship and you do not want him to get overly attached, and end up getting hurt if one day you just decide 'it was nice, see ya'

 

that is what i thought and was hoping for. i figured we'd keep up the current *ahem* arrangement until one or both of us got bored or found someone else that we were more compatible with in a relationship sort of context and we can keep hanging out just as friends. that way we both get the benefit of a safe sexual partner, but without the whole in-love and messy breakup situation. and i'm not ruining an existing friendship, nor is he.

 

i guess i wasn't expecting the intensity of negative feelings that people have expressed about all of this. from what the media presents, i got the impression that many guys would be thrilled with an arrangement like this. he was reluctant at first, but now he seems all for it. i mean, i'm honest with him...

[Batya33]

I don't see the friendship part in this - he is someone you hang out with but on the other hand you say you have little in common with him so to me that is not a friend - just an acquaintance you hang out with. And, my guess is that a true friend would not encourage someone to get drunk for the purpose of encouraging him to have sex. Obviously he chose to get drunk and chose to have sex but it seems that you encouraged it entirely for your own purposes - to get laid. Is that what being a friend means? How would you like it if your "friend" did something similar to you whether in the sexual or other than sexual context?

 

My advice - you seem conflicted on this so why not try a sex toy and other distracting activities while you take your time to heal from your relationship.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think the reason why you are getting a lot of flak is because of your attitude towards this guy. It is revolting when a man treats a woman like the dumb blonde who should keep her mouth shut and just spread her legs. That is in essense how you are treating this guy. It sounds to me that your hard life has made you bitter and you are almost taking out your anger, in a subtle way, on this guy. It is the way you talk about him, so disrespectfully, discounting his life and his interests that I find so appalling. Great, you have been having sex since you were 14...having sex doesn't make you mature...it is your outlook on life and people that does. I am not sure if you had been raped, sexually abused or neglected by parents when you were younger, but your attitude seems to have the hallmarks of one who has. Instead of looking to get laid as a quick fix to your heartache, perhaps some self-help books and counselling might be more helpful. I don't mean to flame you, just reading between the lines there is more to this story than just someone who is horny.

[silky88]

hmm.

 

well, as far as i remember, no abuse, nor rape, and my mom was the most caring lady on the planet (even if she did turn religious in my late teens). and i'm not trying to say that i'm more mature for having been sexual for a certain amount of years -- there have been a LOT of other things i've been through, a lot of moving around, a lot of education, a lot of loss, a lot of poverty and many bizarre situations... some the result of circumstance, and some the result of my own silly decisions, which i thankfully learned from or am still learning from.

 

i mean, i don't exactly BEGRUDGE anyone their innocence, but the things that i've done/seen sort of ripped the wool off of my eyes in such a way that it is impossible to replace, you know? and what i'm trying to say is that although the boy is as sweet as can be, we are on different pages, but we seem to be compatible sexually.

 

i am finished with relationships for a while. i'm the type who falls hard and fast and deep if i let myself, and time and time again it's done nothing but bring me a world of grief. either men have wanted to change me into something i'm not (and i used to be insecure enough to let them) or as was the case with the last one, they just stopped caring. i really thought that last one was "mr. right."

 

this boy, i'm not trying to change (but i know if i dated him, i probably would, which is why i won't date him). i'm not trying to pretend like i care more than i do. and i don't hate his interests; i, too like my friends and music (and we like much of the same music -- he's got great taste), it's just that i haven't made those things my main topics of conversation in years. (and "sugar, shut up" is my girl friend's catch phrase -- we use it when we are feeling sassy, it's sort of a joke, not intended to be evil).

 

i'm doing pretty good with the getting over my relationship w/o counseling or anything; the nightmares have stopped, and so have the public crying jags. and it's honestly not rare around here for drinking and hooking up to be the basis of social existence (not sure about other places -- i've lived here since 21).

 

like i tried to explain in the later posts, it's not like i don't like the boy, or even that i don't respect him; in many ways we are very compatible:

 

he's in college (further along than i, in fact), a good musician, well-read, smart, funny, affectionate, we have similar politics and similar partying/eating/house-keeping habits, and there's chemistry... i do like him, i just don't see a future there because of our differing religious beliefs and life-experience levels.

 

between those two things and with the addition of bad timing, i couldn't see myself getting serious with him. and if i tried, that would be where someone might get hurt in the long run (either him OR me) if i tried to overlook those important differences. my mom would love more than anything for me to settle down with a nice christian boy, but i don't have it in me to compromise my anti-religious sentiment or to wait for someone to mature.

 

i'm just looking to have a good time while i'm single, to satisfy what i believe to be basic mammalian urges, and to avoid getting attached to anyone. and hoping that it be as fun and pleasurable for both parties involved.

 

sorry this got so long -- i'm sort of feeling demonized and misunderstood.

[Batya33]

Just keep in mind that satisfying basic urges is fine as long as you do not hurt others in the process - or yourself hopefully. From what you have said he is a consenting adult but you are conflicted as far as the ethics (I am not saying you should be, just saying you seem to be) - if you are, then perhaps you should elevate your sense of ethics- whatever that may be - above your "basic urges" as we all have to do at least some of the time when we have the urge to lash out, to be rude or hurtful, to take what is not ours to take. I am not saying what you are doing is wrong -you have to decide that - but to rationalize based on "well I just want to have fun" or "we all have basic urges" is a bit self-deceptive, don't you think?

[silky88]

i mean, the main reason i was posting on here was to sort of get an idea of the ethics on the thing. like i said, i am completely new to the hookup phenomenon, although i see it in action around me every day. since i've been out of my teens, i have never engaged in sex with a man that i did not believe (or hope) to be helpful to establishing or maintaining a romantic relationship. this is new territory for me. ideally, we can keep this up until we get bored or whatever, and then move on.

 

i don't THINK i am deceiving myself, as i've thought about this a great deal since the initial encounter and have gotten to know him slightly better and he seems enthusiastic about it. after hashing this all out with the ladies, i guess the question for me at this point is that i've always heard sex without love is possible and can be fun, and so that's what i'm after, but i was wondering what guys around my age think of it, in the context of a budding friendship (because i really DO want to be his friend, he's pretty cool in a lot of ways, and i see how he's going to get better as he matures)?

[Batya33]

If you want to be a true friend to him I would get to know him as a platonic friend only.

[redandblack]

Hmmmm.

 

This is pretty complex and I'm glad you've put a lot of thought into this. Most people, I'm afraid, would simply do this unexamined.

 

I don't think you're deceiving yourself about your intentions with this guy. (All though your explanation as to why you could never see yourself in a relationship with him seems sketchy at best.) You don't seem to be decieving him, either. However, he does seem to have a level of attachment to you beyond yours to him. (Mind you, this is all from what you've told us, so I could be wrong.) It seems weird that you're hanging out as, essentially, "sex buddies". Most arrangements of this type seem to be regulated to the bedroom and general after-hours. I see what you're getting out of the other-than-sex deal; you're lonely, dealing with a breakup, maybe a little confused, "horney", and you have found a nice distraction -- however, on his end, it's a little more confusing as to what he is getting out of the "whole package". Honestly, I think he's attracted to you sexually, and mentally; he would probably like more, but will settle for less. I think this is what makes it dangerous.

 

You seem intelligent and fairly level-headed. You know what you want in-the-now and you go for it. But I just see this turning really bad for the poor guy. You are the third person he's been intimate with; that's quite a bit different from having a lot of sexual and relational experience. Maybe it would be best if you cut off ties with the guy and dealt with these feelings in a different way. When you said that you need a break from relationships, I think your right; a good clean break from all relationship will do you good. Time while in a relationship (or quasi-relationship in your case) with another person in deep thought is different from lonely deep thought. You'll follow different thought paths and come to different conclusions. Both are healthy in adequate doses.

 

Wow, that took a while; now it's late and my mind just crashed--

 

Take it easy!

[Budman]

silky first off, I find a whole lot of different ideas rattling off in my head.

 

Granted, this may just be my thoughts, Many anti-religious people (or anti anything people) will refuse to commit to anyone who agrees with what they disagree with. Granted its hard to have a relationship with two VERY hard headed individuals, but at the same time it can make it awesome.

 

Secondly, you speak of more and more things that you are compatible on, but yet you say you are incompatible (the fact alone that you both like the same music and are vegetarians is a big WoW factor)

 

Thirdly, Since you are not trying to invest feelings/bring much to the relationship have you initiated conversations? Such as, well what do you feel about such and such... Maybe your views and his views agree

 

(caveat here)

 

I'm a Christian Male, I said it, now I also go to Worlds Peace organization meetings as well as the Worlds religion meetings (when I can anyway).

I get along with and have GREAT conversations with: Muslim's, Daoist's, Athiests (I have found some are more aggressive in this category), Christians, Native American Religions, Hindu's, Baha's, Daoist Christians (this guy had an interesting take), Buddhists, some sikhists, and of course varying forms of the different religions. I've seen Devout Christians Married to Strong athiests!

 

Also, I will go with some of the original posts and state that I didn't exactly like your methods, he did say no, and yet you still pressed forward. Granted he says its ok now, but still that was highly unrespectful imo.

 

Now, personally I'm not talking you into a relationship I'm just saying if I was in his shoe's I'd be freakin and a peekin. I've been in a quasi status like this, and It messed me up to no end having the "possibility" to sleep with other women while having a "sex buddy".

 

I also find it funny (very) that you find one guy with more potential stability then your previous relationships?

 

Ok, I may get flamed for this but in some cases most people who date younger are immature for their age (in my experience) and they tend to stay at their maturity level. As well as, if you look at your past stating you only date older, May I ask you this: Did they work out, and apparently they didn't work out Very very badly. So, may I ask why taking the chance on a 23 year old (who is only 2 years younger than you) could be that big of an issue?

 

Ohh, and at 17 I had to demature (I'm still having to) for the simple fact that I got along better with 40-50 year olds then I did anyone my age group. I'm down to late twenty's now+ but I'm not saying I'm completely mature in all aspects.

 

PS. If you want to have some religious discussions hit me up, I love em! As long as you can agree to disagree it could be a great discussion.

[silky88]

budman,

 

okay, a lot to respond to in your post, so i'll give it a go:

 

you speak of more and more things that you are compatible on, but yet you say you are incompatible (the fact alone that you both like the same music and are vegetarians is a big WoW factor)

 

it's true that we share a lot of similarities and agree on a lot of things; the problem is that he *literally* cannot go for more than five minutes without bringing up music or his friends (and i'm talking about stopping in the middle of making out to talk about the song playing on the stereo). it's cute in a way, but during longer periods of hanging out, i am just dying to have more diverse/serious conversation. he does discuss other things occasionally (philosophy, literature, films) and is a very bright person, which i admire, but i have to forcefully restrain myself from rolling my eyes when he starts in on such-and-such obscure band (that i'd probably like, to be honest, but...) or the time he was at a rock show, or the merits of that guitar solo or line of lyrics. music and his friends and beer are his world. and i USED TO BE that person, but i am not anymore.

 

Since you are not trying to invest feelings/bring much to the relationship have you initiated conversations? Such as, well what do you feel about such and such... Maybe your views and his views agree

 

if you are referring to not wanting to get serious, i have initiated that conversation time and again. and while he says that he doesn't want to be my boyfriend, he has been trying to be "boyfriendlier" in recent days, such as saying he should take me out to dinner or trying to hold my hand in public, etc. at which point i have reminded him that i am not interested in dating anyone right now.

 

I didn't exactly like your methods, he did say no, and yet you still pressed forward. Granted he says its ok now, but still that was highly unrespectful imo

 

yeah, i pretty much got that from everyone. but what's done is done, and while i do feel a little weird about how this all began, like you said, he seems to be okay with it now. i don't think he'd take well to an apology at this point; he seems to think it's funny that i set my sights on taking him home and wouldn't give up.

 

I was in his shoe's I'd be freakin and a peekin. I've been in a quasi status like this, and It messed me up to no end having the "possibility" to sleep with other women while having a "sex buddy".

 

not clear on what you mean about the freakin and peekin? after the initial discomfort on getting so physically involved with someone he just met, he seems thrilled to be having a sexual relationship with me, as he confided that he and his friends had always admired my "hotness" from afar (i wait tables at a popular restaurant). and i told him it's okay from him to be with whomever, as long as he is safe/tested/tells me so i can get tested. i, myself, am not planning on being with more than one person at a time sexually ever again.

 

As well as, if you look at your past stating you only date older, May I ask you this: Did they work out, and apparently they didn't work out Very very badly. So, may I ask why taking the chance on a 23 year old (who is only 2 years younger than you) could be that big of an issue?

 

my past relationships ended, i don't know if you would call it "badly"? the most serious three ended all for very different reasons, and two of them i was really ready for them to end. i've always not only dated but also been friends with people who were 3-14 years older than me. it's not like i am against the idea of dating any 23-year-old, but this one in particular has some growing up to do before i'd consider him.

 

as a (lengthy) addendum:

 

this boy is gold... like i've said before, the only two main issues are the religion and the maturity (aside from the fact that i really DO need to not have a boyfriend right now) -- and he has even been down-playing the religion thing, to the point of almost scoffing, i think to curry my favor (he may be impressionable?). he is one of the absolute sweetest and most attentive people i have ever met. he is smart as a whip, has a quirky sense of humor, is pursuing higher education, and is educating himself independently outside of school. he has strong ethics about a lot of the things that i also feel strongly about. he has a killer grasp of the english language, which is one of my main criteria in anyone with whom i will associate. and he is one of the most gorgeous creatures i have ever laid my eyes on (think tallish, huge blue eyes, straight white teeth, model cheekbones, angelic dark-blonde hair that curls around the edges, thin, well-dressed... yum!).

 

in short, he is probably the total package for some girl somewhere out there. i just cannot get past the whole maturity thing. he looks at me with those gorgeous eyes and i melt, but then he says something completely random about some music thing, and i solidify again.

 

and another thing that sort of weirded me out, was that he lied about something sexually. now i know that he admitted up front to having almost no sexual experience. fine with me, whatever. but the other night, when we were having sex, he "finished" within like three minutes, and he lied about it, just saying that he was sleepy and wanted to stop but he'd be "less sleepy" in five minutes. he apparently didn't realize that i could tell from the presense of semen what had happened, and that it was okay with me. and he was true to his word about starting up again, and it was great.

 

but dude, why lie? i didn't call him out, because i assumed it was because he was embarrassed and i didn't want to further embarrass him. but it was sort of obvious. we weren't using anything, as we've both been tested and i'm on the pill. maybe he thought it just goes up there and sort of disappears? hmm.

[mike_chppr]

OK, well when you add a second sexual relationship onto this one I'd like to know how it goes...

 

It seems like you are doing a lot of justifying here and you really latched onto the post that sort of agreed with you as a sort of slim hope that what you are doing is OK. Do the math, count up posts pro and con and both and see the weight, you came to this board for a reason, and it appears that you wanted someone to agree with you. If you want to go on the casual sex scene why did you choose someone with only three priors. i.e. his name and number aren't scratched into bathroom walls. If you want to play the casual sex scene find an infantry unit at a military base. You are gambling with STDs and you may inadvertently give one to this poor kid. He is taking a huge risk and doesn't know it. You selected him partly for his inexperience. He selected you because you seduced him. Now you have had a rough life, and the catch here is that he is getting is lessons from the school of hard knocks. Can you really break it to him that you screwed some other guy a few days ago. Or even a few hours ago. Can you expect him to do the same. So lets say he now looks for this sort of free sex elsewhere. He is inexperienced to the sex scene as well, but he becomes accustomed to haveing a screw-buddy. He then finds another girl that isn't as protected or doesn't use birth control as you do. And BAM.

 

I've seen it happen with two friends of mine who were screw-buddies, and then he moved on and she saught the same thing elsewhere, within two weeks she had an STD and a child on the way. Truth be told she wasn't sure if it was my friends or two other guys.

 

Post an add on Craigslist, "Looking to break into the Casual Sex Scene with Hot Inexperienced Men." I'm sure you can find someone that you aren't going to crush.

 

This poor guy, has it coming to him or cumming one way or the other, if you don't give him an STD, he will most certainly get one from someone else and possibly end up with a child on the way, not with you, but with someone that he treats similar to you.

 

I don't know, You have to live with yourself. If you want to do casual sex, like I said go to an infantry unit on an Army base, they'll be more than happy to service you after a tour in Iraq, and there will be plenty of "hot guys."

 

It is up to you. Why don't you have this guy read this thread to make an informed decision for himself.

 

mike_chppr

[Budman]

Ok, first off, OMG unprotected sex with a sex buddy!

 

*falls over* what are you asking for. I don't care if your on the pill, if he goes and sleeps with someone (or you go and sleep with someone), catches something, you two have sex (mind you keep in mind he's inexperienced and may not know what to look for), you get it too.

 

Casual unprotected sex, man thats a new thing.

 

Also, did you know the pill is not nearly as effective as they would like to proclaim it is.

 

Take antibiotics, see how well it works for ya.

 

Anyway, Do as you wish, as long as he's not hurt and you aren't thats fine. But I should mention that music + beer may be a way to get close to you.

 

What if he's never had a GF before, and thus he doesn't know what to open up about. I'm sorry, I'll have to respond to the post a lil later, I'm still dumbfounded by the unprotected casual sex...

[silky88]

*sigh*

 

no, i wasn't just looking for people to agree with me; i honestly did want varying opinions.

 

i don't think it's going so badly as of yet. i don't know. i'm feeling kind of bummed. i like the boy, i just don't see him as someone for me in a serious relationship. i am conflicted. i think i am going to stop posting on here for a minute, because it is making me kind of sad and more conflicted... i don't want to just stop things with this boy, because we have fun together and the sex is great. he's very attentive and i like the attention -- it allays some of the damage done to my self-esteem during my break up. he's sweet. he texts me and calls me and asks if i'm okay when i look sad. he kicks my foot under the bar table just to show me that he's still interacting with me even when keeping a conversation going with someone else.

 

i don't know if all of this counts as justification, and i don't know if itdoes, does that make it a bad thing? i still know that we'd not work out in the long run, but we are both having fun, and neither of us is as of yet interested in getting with anyone else sexually.

 

i don't know. school starts tomorrow and we don't have any classes together and our schedules conflict quite a bit, so my time spent with him will be limited for the next little while. i guess i'm just going to leave this thread at that, and i'll update you guys with any new developments (likely to more gasps and jeers).

 

*sigh*

[treefrogkate]

I'd say from what you write about him texting you and playing footsie with you that he does not consider this just a "hookup".

 

I'm not going jeer or gasp, since I once had a friends with benefits thing going with an ex after we broke up. But honestly, what we had was like *ring ring* "Hi, do you want to come over?" "Ok." *unf unf unf* "Ok bye."

 

From what you describe, you are spending a lot of time together. He cheers you up when you're sad, he even wants to hold your hand. It sounds like he is really trying to "win your heart" and be your boyfriend.

[Rabican]

I think the reason why you are getting a lot of flak is because of your attitude towards this guy. It is revolting when a man treats a woman like the dumb blonde who should keep her mouth shut and just spread her legs. That is in essense how you are treating this guy. It sounds to me that your hard life has made you bitter and you are almost taking out your anger,might be more helpful. .

 

I could think of a whole lot of ways that would be worse ways to take out your anger on me. This poor poor man, at least hes getting laid.

[Budman]

Might I add this statement :

 

"The only time something won't work out is when you don't want it to, and the only time something will work out is if you want it to"

 

Granted, we can never be 100% sure that something won't work out later on, but we can be 100% sure that it won't if we don't try.

 

Aka, Right now the reason it doesn't work out is you. (Which is perfectly fine mind you if you don't want to be with him I'm all for it! (It's your choice not mine, and he's shall we say not my type). I'm just saying too many women won't let the cards fall as they will, they "try to prevent from being hurt" by dealing from the bottom (aka a false deal).

 

Granted noone knows the future, but what does the future hold really? If you can't deal with him now, of course you won't like him later. Duh, also I find it odd the more and more you post about him, the closer you seem to him, also you will defend him much more than yourself (I've noticed lately).

 

You've also put all the blame on yourself, and you didn't pull the trump card (Well he could have chose not to, He's an adult and knew what I was trying to do.)

 

You didn't really pull that out.

 

So I do at least commend you on that, but I feel that it was done because the longer you've been with him. The more you care about him.

 

And I bet you 10 dollars you're getting defensive as reading this. THinking up all the reasons as to why I'm wrong. Why you two would never work out, and how he's really good in bed, and how you date older guys.

 

OR how you're just that scared to be hurt again, and definitely didn't expect a guy like him to be a sex buddy, or how you've potentially never been treated as good as he treats you. How your scared you have the potential to fall for him even though he has faults. How his qualities outweigh the disadvantages for now. How you miss him when he's gone.

 

Ya, you getting confused and sad that just means you are caring for him.

 

(/puts on hat)

 

my work here is done.

 

(PS. I know I could TOTALLY be wrong, but this is my scoop on it)

[silky88]

i'm back.

 

i wasn't getting defensive at all, and i will admit that i am starting to care about him.

 

the problem is that i am determined to stay out of relationships. so we have agreed to "not date" and have set very stringent boundaries on that -- no going out to dinner or movies or things that are date-like. only sex and parties and maybe coffee or lunch after we wake up the next day (depending on the time).

 

at this point in my life, if i were to date again, i'm not looking for another relationship that would end (although statistics are, of course, against me).

 

like i said, we are compatible in many ways, and even the initial creep-outs are starting to fade (i have found that he has calmed down and shown a bit more maturity perhaps as a reaction to my reaction to him, while at the same time, his influence has led me to be a little more crazy and carefree -- i've loosened up a bit, and it feels kinda good). but there are still obstacles that lead me to believe that a relationship would not be the best course of action.

 

he plans on moving, upon graduation, to a place that i'd never-ever want to live. he's mentioned in passing that he never wants kids. i really need to feel free and not responsible to a relationship for awhile. i am still hung up on my ex.

 

yes, he treats me very well. yes, the better i get to know him, the more his intellect surprises and impresses me. yes, the sex is still awesome. but i don't think it would be wise to gamble on a relationship at this point. i think we have reached a comfortable stasis.

 

i guess this is why people say that you shouldn't sleep with people that you don't intend on dating. i still know that it won't work, but i am becoming addicted to the sex and to the companionship.

 

i thought that i could live without male energy in my life, but truth be told, i like it too much to abstain. at least, if i am keeping it out of relationship territory, we are both free to step away without any hard feelings.

[Batya33]

I found your post direct until the last sentence - you cannot live without "male energy?" Um, what about developing friendships with males, taking up a sport or activity where you are around males? Why use it as a euphemism for "I cannot live without intercourse?" If you have to use euphemisms, you've got a little problem in denial, IMO.

 

Of course you can live without intercourse - and just fine and dandy - you choose not to and you choose not to take on the challenge of finding other things in your life that are equally if not more fulfilling.

 

Sure, your plan sounds logical on paper. Problem is, you both have feelings for each other - that's where it gets mushy, illogical, emotional. Think of the movie pretty woman - she tried to have that "no kissing!" rule to avoid getting attached. Yeah, right.

 

I am not saying you should be in a relationship with this man. I am saying that to self-deceive that you can put these kind of boundaries around it and make it just about sex, and that you can self-deceive and rationalize that it's because you cannot live without "male energy" is what is potentially damaging and harmful to you and to him.

[silky88]

okay, so i ended it. nicely, of course, but it is over al the same.

 

we were both getting a little too into each other, and he started acting weird, which made me start acting weird, which made the sex weird, which defeated the whole point of the arrangement.

 

i still am madly attracted to him, but i will behave myself and try to be his friend.

 

i was journaling the other day and i realized (this partly in response to batya33's criticism of my "male energy comment") something about myself. i seriously am a dude-addict. it's not just the sex. i really feel the need to always be in a relationship or at least flirting/sleeping with someone. as i think i've said before, i haven't been single for more than three weeks in ten years.

 

i don't know why, but i am utterly hooked on feeling close to a male. i NEED kisses, i NEED affection, i NEED tender words, i NEED sex, like it's an addiction -- just like i tried to quit smoking and wanted to always be reaching for a cigarette, i am trying to stay single for awhile but i always want to be reaching for a man.

 

it's not that i'm not picky; i can't settle for just anyone, but i have a lot of trouble having self-control about this.

 

and so my deal is: i am going to forcefully break this addiction. no men and no sex for at least another month. that way, the next time i do get into a relationship, i know that i can trust myself to be in love with the guy and not in love with the crazy chemical rush of love that i am addicted to.

 

it's tough, though, now that i have developed this crazy crush the boy. i wasn't expecting it. there is so much more to him than i originally thought. it's sort of a classic case of someone "growing on you."

 

sigh.

[Batya33]

Keep in mind that your "need" is selfish - it's all about you needing male attention - why not wait until your motivation comes mostly from being inspired to give of yourself rather than take or act out of need?

 

This "addiction" comes from a needy place - a place that I believe can be filled by enjoying your own company more and being more other-centered in general - volunteer work, developing friendships, etc.

[silky88]

well, that's sort of another matter; i am a "giver." in all of my relationships, i have always been the one to give: affection, emotional support, car rides, generous gifts, sexual favors. so i don't think that is something i have to work on -- for me, taking usually only occurs in tandem with a lot of giving.

[Beec]

I think your question about needing a man is a good thing to ask. I think needing someone if often about trying to fill what you feel is a void. What stinks about most relationships is that the good ones occur and last when you don't NEED each other; when you can both exist just fine with each other. But, life together is much more enjoyable.

 

I could not begin to tell you if you feel anything is missing from you or your life. The thing I think I see most is when someone feels like there was not a lot of love at home or when one parent's love was domineering or overbearing. We need just the right amount, but I also think just the right amount may vary with each of us. What compels you to want male company, that's a question for you and yourself only to answer, although I think someone can help you find your answeers. I'm not volunteering.