Horrible marriage details here, what should I do?

[cranbers]

So yeah im 26 and ive been married since mid 2003 so 3 1/2 years. We have a 2 year old son. Our marriage is horrible, we sleep in different beds and have for 2 1/2 years because I snore I guess. We have had sex 3 or 4 times since jan 2004, which was when our son was conceived. she has no interest in it.

 

We can argue for hours on end about everything. Our marriaged started out rough anyway so its not like we were this hot couple in love and had a honey moon period. We met, moved in got married and had a baby all within a few months. The marriage thing was rushed because of the army more pay incentive as well as she wanted to have a baby. also to top it all off she was engaged to a very successful physician assitant for a few years and had just broken up with him a few months earlier because he cheated on her. Also to add to that she was pregnant with his kid 4 months along and had a car accident and lost the baby. Plus on top of that got stuck with the house we currently live in it was theirs and they were planning on moving in there together. so yeah you can see what a great situation we started out in.

 

So we met a few months after all this happened. I stayed there every night pretty much. She got pregnant about 3 months after and had a miscarriage. She wanted to get married and I felt guilty so I married her. Was I in love? I don't know she was my dream girl I was attracted to her and she was fun for the most part. I am not sure if I was in love, i was comfortable and she was very successful financially and would make an excellent mom. so I guess with all things considered that is what I married her. I wasn't really confident with my decision and I needed to talk to someone about the situation so I talked to my sister who I have always been close with and told her the whole story. My sister told me to get out of the situation and not marry her. It wasa rebound relationship and she is too controlling etc. So I didn't listen to her and I married her anyway. The mistake I made was telling my now wife this information. she was able to figure it out because I would be in agreement with her and then all of a sudden have a change of heart so it was not a difficult thing to assume i was talking to someone.

 

So with that in mind my sister who ha always been a life long friend and someone i could talk to about anything turned into her worst enemy. naturally she isnt going ot like someone that conflicts with her interest and puts thoughts in my head that arent what she wants.

 

so anyway that is how it started. So several more miscarraiges happened over the next 6 months and finally my son wa conceived and was brougth to term. The relationshp while she was pregnant was rough. She wanted me to disown my sister becausae she was still giving me advice that conflicted with what she wanted. I made the mistake of telling each of them information about the other that was negative. So they used it as ammo.

 

so with all that said here we are years later. We don't get along very well things are very rocky. She hates my sister with a passion and will throw any excuse out there to insult her with me. She has never met her nore has she ever gotten to know her. My sister hates her due to the pain and misery that she puts on me. She wnats me to leave her still but I find it difficult with my son.

 

The worst thing is that I find myself having to lie about everything around her. I do this because I will get yelled at or it will start a argument. Everything from buying things to if i talked to my sister to my thoughts on life in general.

 

She also has an eating disorder and is as cheap as they come when it comes to money. She hoards money, perfect example of the disorder I know she has. She has even admitted that she has it. But yet she wont' get treatment. She has gotten treatment for her eating disorder for a month or so. But no results. She kept saying the person never helped her out.

 

I currently work at night and am going to an online college to finish my degree. She has a degree already adn is very successful.

 

I think alot of the reason why I tolerate this treatment and behavior from her is because my entire life has been like this. I grew up with a man that was my moms boyfriend and he was verbally abusive. He always told me it talked too much or said mom too much or i asked dumb questions i was pretty much told I was dumb on a regular basis. Also my mom is mentally ill with bipolar/manic depression and has been in and out of hospitals my entire life. My father is un known. Also being in the army for 5 years helps to condition you for mental abuse and to just deal with problems because there is really nothing you can do about it.

 

We have gone to counceling but that was a disaster. We came out worse then when we went in. I mean we can literlaly arguing for hours and hours and hours un end. It's like everything adds on to something else. It really is a snow ball affect.

 

So what do I do? Leave is my best guess. But keep in mind I am in a state all by myself without her and my son. I will be alone, with no friends and no family to lean on for support. Sure I can talk over the phone or even go visit them. They live a thousand miles away.

[NetLurker]

From what I've read, the future of this relationship looks very bleak. If you're considering about the future of your child, I think he/she would be better off if you two separated. I am probably biased because I grew up in a family where my parents hated each other and it wasn't pretty.

I don't like how she tries to control you by forcing you to disown your sister? That seems a bit extreme. I wish I could stay get out of it, but it seems like your situation being in the army is difficult. Its tough to be all by yourself. However, do you think your wife is supporting you? Or making your life worse?

[now_better]

i think you know what is best, but you're coming here for confirmation. i think you learned a valuable lesson in life when it comes to marriage. i'm not sure why people rush to get into marriages. i don't think people understand what a marriage means sometimes... you're suppose to live the rest of your life with this person and it's probably best if you're going to be happy and compatible and all that good stuff. i don't know if life is worth sacrificing for the security of having someone with you (who you may or may not even like) or just for the sake of having a kid in matrimony. it just seems odd to me because some people just aren't meant to be together.

 

i guess you know where you are in life right now. where do you want to be in 10 years down the road? can you see your life getting any better in this situation? what kind of father do you want to be to your son?

[Siriana]

Leave.

Go to see a proffesional alone after that to avoid doing same mistakes . you had a difficult childhood.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Your wife is controlling and unhappy but remember that you too played a part in this. In one way, I can understand why she wouldn't want you to talk to your sister. Your sister says bad things about her and she says bad things about your sister and you are the go-between reporting all of these bad things. You, in fact, facilitated the bad feelings between the two of them and played up on it. In addition, it was your own weakness and self-interest which got you into the marriage....she had a well-paying job and a house. From her point of view, she has been through a lot of tragedy...a fiancee who cheated on her, car accident resulting in loss of a baby, several miscarriages etc. While I don't condone controlling behaviour, there are two sides to every story and I am sure she is very hurt by your actions as well. Have you been understanding of her traumas? I am sorry to be so blunt, but I think the part that is very telling to me is the fact that you would run back and forth between your sister and her telling each of them the rotten things they said about the other. This is very passive aggressive behaviour which is quite typical behaviour of someone who, while growing up, was told to basically shut up. Passive Aggressive people (check out the book "Living with the Passive Aggressive Man" by Scott Wetzler) are difficult because they always paint themselves as the victim and yet do things to undermine their partner. As a result, the partner gets angrier and angrier. You both need help in dealing with the dynamics between the two of you. Is leaving the answer, perhaps...but you will end up playing out the same scenario with somebody else. It is not just her, you are part of the problem as well.

[cranbers]

Yeah I failed to mention that. I have a big mouth. Was it my intention to go back and forth? No it wasn't but it happened. Keep in mind this happened almost 4 years ago. She won't let it go. it's like it happened yesterday with her.

 

Do I paint myself the victim? i wouldn't say that. is there an excuse for her to act like she does? The trauma she faced I have no doubt she does.

 

I mean I definetely didn't respect her by talking about her then taking mean things back and forth. I mean here is a scenario. You want to go visit someone, that person wants you to visit them. Now your spouse doesn't like that person and thinks they are the devil in disguise. How do you deal with that? Well I would go to my sister, the person i want to see and say why. thereforeeee my sister says thats rediculous you should be able to see your sister. Could I lie and say were busy or something? Well then i would just be lieing to my sister and well, I need to be honest sometime in my life.

 

I did create this situation. But it wasn't like hey let me tell my wife what my sister thinks of her just for fun. Typically it was told to her through reverse psychology. My wife is very smart and she will bombard me until I tell her what she wants to know. so I either have to lie to get out of it or tell her the truth.

 

Here is a perfect example. My wife looks at my cell phone bill call history. She sees i talked to my sister for several hours. She asks me, why did you talk to your sister for that long, you were talkinga bout me again werent you? What do you do? Tell her the truth say yes I was, I was feeling really lonely and troubled and needed someone to talk to. Now keep in mind if that comes out of my mouth I will be told to get out and some very harsh words followed by whatever else, who knows. Anyway so to avoid that conflict, I say my sister was very upset and I neeeded to talk to her about it. What was she upset about? her husband hits her and has all the money (yes that was all a lie) my sister has about as perfect of a marriage as anyone can hope for these days. teenage sweet heart, marriaed when they were mid 20's he has a successful business she works when she wants to etc. So that in effect, made it even more of a disaster now. She thinks he is a wife beater and my sister is a coward for staying with him. I have to sit there and hear that, wanting to tell her it was a lie to cover my * * * in some other instance.

 

so yeah, you can see how much of a pos this marraige is. I live a lie. I am a lier. I am a piece of crap husband. Why do I stay? I feel like it could get better someday. Why do I think that after 4 years it would be ok? I am not sure, it seems almost easier to stay and live this horrible life.

 

I hate who I am with her. I hate me in general. I hate the situation I created and I hate not doing the right thing.

[cranbers]

So yeah I lie, I lie a lot. I buy things all the time behind her back. Because well if I told her I would get a big ear full. She is controlling. She seems to think she has good reasons for that but. You know what do I have in this marriage? Seriously, no sex, no fun, no love. No freedom to buy what I want without getting a boot up my * * *. I am constantly reminded that the house we live in is hers. She reminds me of the repercussions if I leave her and we get a divorce. She really does have me by the balls. She can make me lose my job. She knows I have no one else here. So yeah im stuck. Hence why I have remained here for the last 3 years. She tells me that she will make my life miserable through the divorce if we get one. She will feed our son at 2 years old that daddy is not a nice guy. taht I hurt him and am mean. I mean its horrible.

 

That in a nut shell is my dillemma. Do i want to be alone? No, I just want things to be better. If my wife knew the truth about everything I would probably be stabbed to death in a fit of rage. Well at least punched a few times.

 

Anyway yeah its a pretty sad situation. Am I the victum? I don't know, I feel like I am aproduct that I created. But it was like i said a big snow ball effect.

 

it started off with something small and should of not been a big deal. but it turned into a nuclear bomb and once in awhile there is a threat of the countdown timer starting.

 

She doesn't want me and then she wants me all at the same time. Does she want to be alone? Prob not. But telling me on a regualr basis how much she despises me doesnt really help out things.

 

She has gotten pretty down and dirty calling me names and throwing out insults. majority of the arguments are her insulting me and telling me actions that have happened in the past. My responses are typically me trying to defend myself which his impossible and just pisses her off more. In her mind there is no defense or reason for telling my sister about her problems. Or treating her like crap when she was pregnant. Now when she was pregnant we were still arguing about my sister. Once again, my sister lives thousands of miiles away, she has never met her. She barely talked to her for 5 mins on the phone.

 

She hates my sister because well, at the wrong time she gave the wrong advice. My dumb * * * told her about it too. So did I learn something, yep. Lie your * * * off. Lie lie lie lie lie.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Wow. This is bad news. You can't continue the rest of your life like this...it is already starting to destroy you. You can't be held hostage to her manipulations. You have to find your own way out of it. Where there is a will there is a way, no matter how difficult it will be to get back on your feet. If you are close with your sister, why not stay with her until you can get yourself sorted. If she knows how bad the situation is, she might be a good shoulder to lean on. But, you can't lean on her too long...you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and make a better life for yourself. Don't just wallow in despair. Get pro-active. There must be groups around to help people dealing with abusive relationships (plenty of men are abused by their wives). Get yourself out there.

[cranbers]

Yeah that is true. The only thing is I am told my some and her that I am the abuser. As for my sister she lives in minnesota I live in maryland. If my sister livedher I prob would of left years ago. I can call her sure, but i feel guilty. She is theone who tried to steer me clear of this situatoin but I ignored her.

 

Ever since christmas eve even she has been somewhat nice which is strange its like living in the twilight zone or something. I bring up sex etc and she tries to say youll never have sex with me again, I am like we dont already so what is the difference she says well someday we will. I said uh huh whatever. We were arguing over who should put our son to bed. Sad to say is that she complaisn about not having enough time with him, yet she ditches h im on me every chance she gets. Weird huh?

[generalelectric]

You seemed overwhelmed and I can understand why. I would try to "keep it in today" What can you do today to better your situation? I would go to therapy. I would try maybe a codependents anonymous meeting. if you are in enough pain you will go to any lenghth to get help. Good luck.