Like most other people, in need of some advice

[MightyBoosh]

In need of some advice and a lot of venting actually.

I'm new to the boards so please be nice

I've been split up with my ex for 2 months now, I'm the dumpee, and Im finding today particularly hard. We were together for 3 years, and he ended it in October. We'd split up almost on exactly the same date in 2005 but were back together within six weeks. He ended it one week into his final year at uni, the same uni id graduated from in June and moved back home to live, deciding that I wouldnt start looking for a career until he finished uni in 2007, so that I could move where he moved to and find work there. But he ended it saying that it was the "differences and the circumstances between us that means it just cant be fixed"....

We met at uni, living together in our first year there, accross the road from each other in 2nd year, but were apart for the third year due to him being on a placement. But things just seem to be so bizarre since splitting up. We had a bit of a row a couple of weeks into the split, resulting in him saying some things I took to heart and actually listenened to, like stopping with the emotional cliches for my name on IM. I figured Id pull my socks up and try and get on with things. He suggested NC, which I agreed to, partly out of desparation and partly because I could see it made sense, but the next night he got in touch, asking if he could phone...which i managed to ignore for a few days. Same scenario happened a week later, we had a row and he got in touch, wanting to know why I wasnt speaking to him...I try to have NC but I feel my self getting really frustrated and annoyed when I dont hear from him-almost as if I'm thinking in my head "if I dont get in touch with him, he'll get in touch with me" but this doesnt seem to be working.... On a numbe rof occasions, he seems to have sensed that Im on a night out, and will say something that always manages to have me in tears. One night, within the same text message, he managed to tell me he missed me, was sorry, and hated himself for doing this to me, but that i wasnt to let him get in the way of any "pulling" i wanted to do...

theres been almost constant contact since he went home from uni for Christmas, his little sister keeps writing to me, even sending me a Christmas present...this threw me the most, as I figured he would have explained to her that we werent together anymore, and so it wasnt a good idea to send me presents...but he just seems to be encouraging it, even encouraging me to write to her.

He's always the first to tell me he misses me, asks me why Im not there with him for cuddles and "other stuff" and I dont really know what to say in response...i NEVER tell him I'm missing him too...just seems pointless as he knows how I feel about the whole situation.

I'm finding today particularly hard, as Ive spent the last 3 New Year's Eves with him, just in his house preparing for the family party the day after....but this year obviously were not together. and I know hes out at a party in a different town to his home one....which, to me, in itself is a big thing, as we never went out on N.Y.E...and as Im finding it hard Im not in the mood to go out and just wanted to curl up with a film and a glass of wine....

 

I'm sorry this is such a rant...it just helps to get it all down and to get some opinions from those outside of the situation, either going through or having been through the same situation or circumstance....

As it stands I would be back together with him in a shot...its just hard trying to get over these intial stages

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He seems to be messing with your head. Doesn't want you as a girlfriend right now, but wants you to keep hanging on to him. That is not fair. Perhaps you need to lay down the law....tell him you love him, miss him, would like to be back together, but if he doesn't feel the same way then it is best that you stop being in contact so that you can heal and move on with your life. New Year's Eve is depressing. I myself am wondering what the guy who broke my heart is up to. It really hurts.

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

I agree with Crazyaboutdogs, he is using all means possible to keep your heart strings attached, but doing nothing to fix your relationship. And I think that using his little sister is totally unfair.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

there is usually a period post-breakup where even the one who initiated the breakup feels lost and lonely because they are used to having someone around... but one can't confuse that with a genuine attempt at reconciliation.

 

don't allow yourself to get sucked into that relationship limbo-land, where you're not a couple, but you're still intricately enmeshed with one another's lives, send painful and pitiful texts and messages to one another.

 

my suggestion is that you don't allow what is left to descend to that level. suggest a meeting with him to resolve things and get closure. and tell him that you don't want a pseudo-relationship, you want a real relationship with him (i.e., a reconciliation), or else you need to both accept that continued contact is not helping either of you get on with your lives...

 

don't accept these contacts you've been having as being in a relationship becuase they are not, and don't allow things to continue this way. either get him to agree to a real reconciliation, or tell him he broke it off, so it is over, and you both need to stop contacting one another and move on with your lives.... then quit responding to these manipulative contacts of his.

[MightyBoosh]

I'm not looking at what we have as a relationship....far from it...I understand that its completely messed up, its just that, as pitiful and pathetic as it might sound, I dont wont to break free from him...Im terrified that if i break all contact with him, that's it, end of, no going back....and I'm not ready for that at all....Trust me, no one more than myself knows just how pathetic this is... but thats just how I'm feeling...I want nothing more than a reconcilliation between us....and much more than just a quick shag on a drunken night the weekend Im back at uni (which happens to be in 2 weeks by the way so need some serious miracle working!! )

He did the typical "I want to have you in my life for the rest of it,. I still love so much about you" which, when my rational side has control of my thoughts, I think "balls to you!!!", but when the irrational side takes over, it seems like the best scenario at the moment, staying as his friend to stay in his life....but this leads me to the most excruciatingly painful thought that Ive ever had to deal with -what happens when he meets someone else?!?

He says that hes not looking for anything, as he hasnt got time in his life "for a relationship for the next 2 or 3 years" due to his career.....but theres still that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach...i actually threw up when I saw a picture of him jsut with his arms round another girl-a girl Id even been speaking to the previous day about the split....so it was completely the irrational side of me taking over...and at the moment it tends to take over a lot...and Im getting quite fed up with him and with myself for not being able to take control of the situation

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

what happens when he meets someone else?!?

 

Exactly. If you are throwing up just from seeing his picture with his arm around some girl, imagine what it's going to be like when you actually see him with someone new, or you find out he's been casually seeing someone, or you come to the realization that you've been emotionally tied to this guy for years and not grown at all while he's had all the time in the world to heal and move on. I know you think it's easy for me to say this, but why are you willingly putting yourself in a situation where your emotional state gets ruined all the time? What's the worst thing that can happen if you never talk to him again? Survival mode has to kick in sometime, I say follow the logical side of your mind, because that is probably what's best for you in the long term.

[MightyBoosh]

I'm not going to say "its easy for you to say"....I'll just say I dont find it as easy as others might to break away from it...through my choice or not

Worst that will happen is just that-I wont ever speak to him or have him in my life again......I guess ultimately Im hanging on in hope of some sort of light bulb moment from one of us....him wanting me back, or me not wanting him any more.....

I'm just not very good with the will power....lame and feeble excuse I know....but Im just not....the slightest inkling that he wants me or misses me and I go running.... i admit that hand on heart...

Im coming accross as incredibly pathetic and weak here...but I guess I just dont want to move on whilst I see this glimmer of hope....even though with this glimmer of hope all I can see is mind games...but Id like to think that after knowing him for 4 years I know certain things about him...and hes not someone to say something unless he means it...which I guess works both in my favour and against it...

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

Whoa whoa stop right there. You keep using pathetic to describe yourself, stop judging yourself so harshly. I bet in your mind there is probably a pretty heated debate about what to do. You've alluded to his mind games, so at least part of you is willing to pull away. Why not mine that though for a while and see what you come up with? I can totally sympathize with holding on, everyone does or has done it. And I think the will power would come a lot easier if you prevent yourself from romanticizing the past and try and see things from a different perspective.

[MightyBoosh]

Something inside of me has given me a sudden urge to delete his email address from my IM account...it was only a fleeting urge..but at least I had one....

When hes at uni its how we speak to each other, but seeing as hes been at home for the past few weeks its been through text messages..not so easy to delete his number as I know it...

I think the thing I need to work on the most is the frustration and pretty much sheer desperation when Ive not spoken to him for a while....Im ok at the moment as I had a New Year text from him....had pretty much forgotten that New Years day is the day Id have been with him and his family...think I got all my hysterics out yesterday, but still...no tears today which is a good sign (trying not to call myself pathetic again here Reluctant!!)

I think that if I can get over that feeling of frustration when we dont speak for a while, itll make everything a lot easier....I always cave in when that feeling gets too much, and get in touch with him somehow..again, its a willpower thing not texting him back, or not texting him when I dont hear from him in a while...I know tis part and parcel of a break up to not speak to each other every day...but its still not nice..

[Budman]

Ok, first off let me tells something to you

 

I dated my ex (first love) for only 3 months.

 

Stopped contacting each other after the breakup.

 

We started talking, she wanted to be friends, yet told me she missed me etc (mind you no physical contact at all during this)

 

For a whopping 4 months of in and out of contact she kept my head in a dither. She ruined the potential of new relationships, she potentially screwed up one I started. She constantly kept me in the "well she wants to be with me, she misses me" Heck she even said, "I can't believe I let the perfect guy for me slip away, You were the best man that ever loved me, yatta yatta" (Bullspit).

 

That was told to help you realize, the longer you stay in contact, THE LONGER you are pulled under this haze and not allowed to think correctly.

 

Trust me, its better to cut it off, and move on find a new love and be happy.

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

Deleting his IM account would be a good step toward your independence and you can always write his number down on a piece of paper and burn it or something symbolic like that. Someone mentioned here in another thread to write it down contact info that you want to delete on a piece of paper then give that to a friend with strict instructions not to return it unless it's a true emergency. Not sure how well that works, myself I deleted my ex out of my life as best I could. It was really one of the hardest things I could have done, but it had to be done.

 

As for the frustration you are talking about, I'm having similar difficulties. NC is very hard, but I see it as the lesser of two painful choices. Live with myself now alone with the potential of being happy again someday versus being shackled to someone's memory. Maybe in a moment of clarity, write down the reasons you two didn't work out, then look at them every time you feel the urge to text or call him. I did that and it works sometimes. Other times I just white knuckle it, complain to friends about how rough I have it, or spend the night lurking here. And lets them tears roll! It's part of the recovery. You're not supposed to feel good about this, but it will get better.

[MightyBoosh]

well Ive deleted him of my IM...I just figured it was less painful to not have to see him online and see that were not talking to each other..does this make sense? If were not texting each other, then thats fine because I dont have to see him holding his phone, not texting me...but whilst hes online, I can see hes there, sitting at his computer, not talking to me...and thats worse!! The temptation to talk to him when I see him there is too great, so think this is the best way...I also feel a lot better for having done it...a bit happier that Im a bit more in control of it..if he wants to talk, he knows where I am....knowing that hes there, but hes not, is some sort of comfort...I hope that makes sense and doesnt sound too much like psycho babble..

I was sitting thinking before, and I was thinking about how, towards the end of the relationship, wed always end up falling out when we were out for a meal together...and it got me quite wound up!! I remember one specific occasion where, meaning to or not, hed actually made me cry with a comment hed made about how I eat..I now remember him saying as he ended it the only thing we had in common any more was an interest in food, and yet even towards the end that had become tainted due to the rows!! I think I just found it a shock that he found it so much of an issue that we didnt have exactly the same interests anymore...to begin with, we liked similar things...I guess I never realised just how different he thought wed become..