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I need some help please... (long)

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Lately I’ve been reading these forums a lot. From what I gather in the forums, is that the dumpee usually has no chance to get back with the dumper, for various different reasons. Well my problem is that I caused all of my own pain. I was in the military and in Hawaii when I met my future wife. She had never left the islands before and was very worried about leaving her family. We talked and talked about it, finally she said she’d leave with me when my contract was up.


To make a very long and complicated story short, I came home while she stayed in Hawaii. I wanted to get a nice job and a place to stay before I had her come down. It was taking longer than I had anticipated and that is when I made the biggest mistake of my life, I asked for a divorce. The wife immediately flew down and we discussed what was happening, and I told her exactly how I felt. At the time I could not support her as I was not working and was living with my dad. I was to full of pride to let her see me struggle and feared that she’d leave me if she did. We both wanted to stay together, but felt with her fear of leaving her family and me not being “husband” material at the time, and we planned on her living with her family until I could take care of her, and then I’d come to Hawaii and get her and we’d live happily ever after.


So then why the divorce? Honestly I was afraid that while I was living in Utah and her in Hawaii, she would find someone else because she was tired of waiting for me. At the time it sounded rational in my head that if we were divorced and this happened, I’d be pissed, but would be as mad at her if we were still married and this happened. We talked every day and would always say I love you to each other even though we were divorced. Things seemed to be going well, until about two weeks before I found a very good job. At that time she told me she was seeing someone and that we need to just be friends. I was heart broken. I tried, and after I got my job I told her that I now got the job I needed and that I’d come get her and she said no. This was about 6 months ago today.


Well about 3 months ago months ago she asked if I’d come get her cause things didn’t work out with the other guy. I wanted to jump on a plane and go get her so badly, but out of anger I said no because I was hurt she started seeing someone else. I didn’t talk to her for about 10 days after that, but that 10th day I called and said yes I’ll be there, and explained to her I only said no out of anger, but she then told me she was with the other guy again.


And now here it is, about to turn 2007 and I still want to be with her. The time frame is just over a year, and for the past 6 months she has been on and off with this other guy. She insists on being friends because she is unsure of our future and we never know. We’ve talked here and there, but I always asked her for another chance. After reading tons on here, I’m thinking that NC is the only option left. But my heart tells me different. Is that the only thing left for me to do, move on, or as the dumper, should I fight for her like my heart tells me to? Any advice will be greatly appreciated. And Thanks in advance.

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What a sad story - you acted irrationally, and she is not really behaving well either. Sorry, I don't think there is much chance of this one working out. And the longer you are dancing around each other (and another guy involved!) then the longer it will take for you to move on.


I would suggest bluntly that you either get counselling and try to make it work, or else you move on, and go for a period of no contact to try and help you heal and see more clearly.


Good luck.

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Nobody knows what the future holds so I wouldn't make a blanket statment that relationships which break up don't get back together. I will, however, say that you are your own worst enemy. You basically hurt your wife in order to prevent yourself from getting hurt, but in the long run you hurt yourself. Your ex is also hurting as she is dancing back and forth between two men, both of whom have hurt her deeply. It is a very sad situation. I think you need to tell her that you love her and want to be with her but that you will need to cut off ties with her because it is too painful watching her with another man. Leave the door open for her to contact you if she knows for sure it is you who she wants to be with.

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Well... It sounds like you've made a lot of mistakes so far, to be honest. You've been very on-again off-again with her, and I think you'd really have to do a lot of convincing to make her believe that you really want her back, and aren't going to break it off or disappear again for no real reason. The other guy makes it very complicated as well. If he's making her happy and you're an honorable person, I'd say contact her one last time saying what you're thinking and feeling, apologizing for what you've done in the past, and then leave it alone and move on.


That's just what I'd do though.

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