I'm I nuts!!!???

[chelrock1]

My girlfriend of 1 year has been communicating with her ex husband which she divorced 17 years ago. They call each other every Monday and Friday, which she initiates most of the time from her work to his workplace, never to each other's house. He's married. They have seen each other every year in Wash. D.C. where they spent their honeymoon. The last time they slept together was 2 years ago. Recently, she looked up her “first love” from high school and has been in contact with him since. They have spend hours on the phone and she has gone to see him at his house at least twice. He is getting divorced. I had seen their text messages....her was so good to hug you"; him: "you are always on my mind" Back to the ex husband, they are always talking about how much they miss each other, ending their e-mails..I miss you, you are always on my mind, i could never forget your voice, cyh, xoxoxo, etc. and "i love you". They also call each other on their wedding anniversary. I confronted her on all this and said this is unacceptable and no man would tolerate this. she said we are "just friends..." “there is nothing going on.” “we always had this relationship”. I think I'm going nuts and cannot tolerate this. I love her and every time I just ask her about these incidents she gets very angry and defensive and starts "reeling" into me about how she always had these relationships and i am insecure. Am I nuts or what?? Also just to add, she just recently got a new e-mail address on yahoo, changed the password on our cell phone bill and changed the password on her cell phone voice mail. She says she “Loves me best” However, that statement makes me feel I'm in competition, which she denies adamantly. Am I really in the wrong for thinking this way or.......?? Please advise!!!

[blender]

no, you are NOT wrong to feel this way. This woman has "issues" and please do not take them personally, she is in her "life pattern" and you actually said: "no man would tolerate this behavior" so then why are you choosing to stay involved with her? Who do you love? The image you hope she could be? Or who she has actually revealed herself to be? Make sure you know the difference between the two.

 

You seem like a nice man, and you have to be careful to take the time to separate your feelings from the facts here... you "feel" you love her, yet do you respect the FACT that she slept with her ex, who is now married and yet she stays in communcation with him? Are these character qualities you admire about her? If not, then it's time for you to make the self respecting choice to move on.. grieve the loss of what you "hoped" she could be and be in acceptance of who she actually is.. and who she actually is, well, she is a woman who is seeking to fill some selfish desires regardless of the emotional consequences to others involved.. and you choosing to stay involved with her, is like building a relationship on quicksand, you will be swallowed in, and lose your sense of self.

 

Live within your values and standards, and do NOT try to convince her that her behavior is "wrong", instead, know that it is 'WRONG FOR YOU" and that you can make the self respecting choice to not tolerate it, by leaving and letting go.... honestly, why are you choosing to 'stay involved"???

[DN]

No - you are right.

 

I would not settle for 'loves me best' - because all too soon that could turn to 'second-best'.

 

In your place i would no longer confront her about these issues as she has made it plain she has no intention of respecting your well-founded wishes.

 

I would just move on.

[meantime]

It does not seem as though she is giving your relationship the respect that rela tionships deserve. Respect yourself and tell her how this makes you feel. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable and see how she responds. Personally I was in a relationship where he was always keeping in contact with his old relationships it made me very uncomfortable and he told me I was more important and that it would not continue. The only thing that did not continue was that I knew about the communication.

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

To me it sounds like she is playing you. She hasn't let go of the old flames, and from what I read, *you* are the one who is going to get burnt on this.

[blender]

Well, actually she is not "playing him" she is "playing herself" her choices of behavior will only leave HER feeling unfulfilled in the long run, the good news is for HIM, he can now make an intentional choice to live within his own self respecting standards and values, and if in time she "discovers she would like to rise to the occasion" then she would have to do so much self work and really make an effort to "show" and "live" within these standards and values, if not, he's free to be with someone who can "share these precious qualities of character" for now, she has proved she is not willing to do so... time for him to have the courage and self respect to move on...

[chelrock1]

thanks, ironically, she called me today not understanding my feelings and this "has been a long ongoing friendship" with him and why would I want to break it up!!! I broke off the relationship due to her anger and frustration over my confrontations with these issues. The issue wasn't the fact she was friends with her ex, but the endearing terms, the "missing of each other" calls on their wedding anniversary. If she would just say "I'll change" I won't do it anymore, etc., and just keep it distant, I could accept that....Thank you all for your advice.

[blender]

Chelrock, I think it's best that you make the self respecting choice to move on from this woman, she is showing her "true lack of character" by her behaviors, because when we love someone in a mature, realistic, non selfish way, then we work things out, we compromise and we do not choose to engage in situations that "hurt the one we love"....

 

and so far, she seems to only make choices that are "temporarily fulfilling" whatever "need" she has in a moment, if she really still "loved her ex" then she would respectfully not contact him, respect his new life, his wife, and no longer endulge her own selfish need to keep him in her life..

 

I could understand if she were "friends" with both he AND his new wife, and the four of you were friendly and social with each other, but this 'disrespectful version of still being "friends" with him" of emailing, texting and calling on thier anniversary...well it shows a lack of self respect on both her and his part.. YUK, stay away from this whole situation, it's beneath you... and hopefully behind you..