A semester gone all wrong

[hazeleyed]

A semester of school is finished and I am back home for the breaks. I am not sure how I did this semester even though this year counts a lot towards my big next step that iwant to take. As a child growing up I always doubted my abilities and had issues with my esteem. One probably needs to believe in themselves more when they have dreams that are not attainable to all. Some say that its good to dream but you have to have the courage to do something about it. I thought I had it in me but I see myself slowly fading away. Everytime I have a ray of hope something happens that challenges and tests my faith and belief in myself.

 

I went to school this year after ending an abusive relationship and had this new attitude to me. I felt I could achieve the stars if I wanted and I was doing whatever I could in my power to achieve my happiness. I went to the gym regularly, I made new friends, I was happy until I fell sick. I got pneounia which kept me out of school for a month. It was so disappointing because I fell behind and once you fall behind at university all you do is play catch up. Boy I wish things were different today. I came out of my midterms with a headache, my teachers who should have been praising me praised other students in front of me and I felt this terrible ache ...the ache I didnt want to feel. As I was packing to come home I was unsure of how my marks would be. I know I tried my best but I know it wasnt the best I could give.

 

I envied my friend who had it all going for her, I envied how she could party and still keep going. She had her rough days but yet she never let it affect her. While me on the other hand got affected by everything and everyone. If someone said something to me or even brought me up I would feel like I am doing something wrong, I would take hours to analyze it. I started losing my courage, my faith and everything. MY new friends started backing off and I didnt seem to understand why. Little did I know it wasnt my issues but their own issues they had to resolve before the could be my friends. It hurt a lot...although i was in a crowd I always felt alone and unwanted. Guys just wanted to get in my pants and girls just wanted to gossip. I felt lost and alone ...I felt like something inside me had been burnt...I had enough of school and I felt as if I was mentally exhausted.

 

I always tried pleasing my roommate because I didnt want to bug her. Deep down inside I felt as if i screwed something with her it would affect me for the rest of the year. She is very picky and chosey and whenever I did try she was cold towards me. It felt hard to get along with her and I became extroverted. But now hopefully things will be ok...maybe it was just me and this semester being bad, I dont know but something inside me is tired of trying to please the whole world. Something inside me has no more energy to do so.

 

A close friend of mine who I thought was special just used to me and said the kiss was just special but he didnt want anything from it. I felt betrayed because he knew out of all the people how vulnerable I was. Yet he didnt care and now he doesnt even talk to me. He stopped calling, he stopped messaging and whenveer I messaged he would just talk to me like a stranger. I saw how many girls talked to him and how many messages they left him. I felt useless and unlovable there too.

 

When I sat on my laptop and opened my word document my mind was blank for hours a day. It seemed like all i could do was bang my head against the wall because nothing would come to me. I ended up having to hand in my essays late and what was a good mark turned into an avgerage marked. It hurt me to know that because I put so much into it...every little bit I had which i had gathered for the essay...it hurt, it stung but no one could understand my pain.

 

My friend started ignoring me whenever he was with this girl, he would tell me another thing but do another. Secretly I thought he liked me but something told me that I was full of myself for thinking that. No ones world revolves around me when i cant even revolve my world around myself. I am not sure how to get up anymore...i am not sure how to have courage.

 

In the middle of all this my friend who I was working with on an assignment became my enemy. She who had known me didnt seem to understand how important family was to me and accused me of not doing my work. WHen I clearly did my work and at times could not physically be present. This annoyed her because she is the type of person who needed the person physically there....but it awwed me when one day she attacked me and said i didnt contribute anything and that i chose to go home to my parents rather than stick around and finish my work. It was shocking because I had handed my work into her and all she had to do was put it in there...she had always known i go home on those days ....and so i walked out of the group because I couldnt do my assignment with someone who thought i didnt contribute anything. i did not want to live with that for the rest of my life that someone thought I got a free mark. I hope I did well on that asisignment, it was 20 pages to be done in 3 days!

 

As I sit here now reflecting on this past semester, I feel like I need to become stronger. I feel as if I shoulda stayed home for university...I feel like my character is weak and I dont know anything on how to build myself up. I know I have it in my to make it to grad school and I just need to work harder but something inside me is being eaten alive and I dont know how to deal with it...

 

Sometimes i cry at night alone because I am not sure what to do ....i feel myself moving far from my inner self into a darker hole in life. I feel myself getting grumpier and Bi*chier as days go by....this is not what I used to be...this is not who I want to be but I cant seem to help it anymore. Just feels like this semester was all wrong....maybe i wasnt prepared for it but i guess we never are in life are we.

[Cadence308]

You are depressed, plain and simple. Do you get the winter blues or does this year just feel different?

 

You were sick for a month and out of school during that time with pneumonia. There is nothing that you could have done. You fell behind and probably felt like you were never going to get caught up.

 

That guy that you lust after sounds like a jerk who led you on. Now he won't speak to you. Hon, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with what a jerk he is to you.

 

Most universities offer free counseling on campus or for a really cheap price. Have you thought about talking to someone about the way that you have been feeling? I think talking to a professional could help you get a new view on what happened to you this last semester and could help you become more stronger when dealing with other people.

[hazeleyed]

Thanks for you reply. Maybe I am depressed, life doesnt slow down for anyone. I really need to get back on my toes and I am trying. I am not sure how I feel anymore because I have shut down even to myself. The emotions I feel are starting to bottle up and I am losing myself again. I am a person who likes keeping in touch with myself and I think somewhere along the lines I lost that. its okay...everyone has their weak days....maybe today is my day.

[allgood]

see ur councillor

they really help

[Caldus]

Yeah, I saw a counselor one semester and she help me put some things in perspective. She didn't solve my problems but helped me learn more about my own situation and why I was always making the same mistakes, etc. College is a tough time for a lot of people. Don't be so hard on yourself. I've had the roughest time in college making friends and I attribute that only to my own actions. I didn't go out much. Didn't party enough. Very anxious around new people. Generally antisocial. In fact, pretty much the little social and dating lives that I've had actually revolve around people who didn't even go to my own school, yet I lived on campus for much of that time. I was like you ... tired of all of the high school like drama and behavior.

 

Anyway, good luck with your situation. You obviously have the strength to get yourself back up. It's apparent in your post. So now just do it!

[hazeleyed]

Thank you Caldus