I will never get over my first girlfriend

[GinsengTea]

Hi. I don't know if I'm seeking advice as much as I am looking for a place to truly vent all of my pain and frustration anonymously, but your comments would be greatly appreciated.

 

I was a senior in the fall of high school last year, and I met a really pretty girl. I had never had a girlfriend or even so much as kissed a girl before. I was (and really, still am) very shy and not the most confident person around. I had known her for a few months over the internet (we met on MySpace and became fast friends on AIM), but that was purely on a friendship basis: we met in real life, and it was as if cupid's arrow instantly struck. I would later find out that she had a secret crush on me over the internet for a while before meeting me, which was what inspired her to seek me out in person (we met by chance and essentially out of the blue).

 

We hit it off instantly and started dating. Although brief, it was the happiest time of my life. Again, I had never had a girlfriend before, let alone someone so beautiful and who I had so much in common with. It was like a dream come true. Never before had I ever felt so complete. I became extremely emotionally invested in her and all indications were that it was mutual. It was incredible and I loved every second of it. About four or five weeks into it, I began to notice a sort of distance in her. Before that, we both made each other very happy, but all of a sudden she seemed not only considerably less happy, but less enthused about me as she did before that. Like any good boyfriend, I tried asking her what was wrong. She told me she was surprised that I noticed, but that it was something she had to figure out on her own, that it had nothing to do with me so I shouldn't worry about it, etc. Of course I was going to worry anyway; as her boyfriend I wanted to do everything I could to make her life as perfect as possible. But I accepted that it was something she had to get through on her own and tried to let things go on normally.

 

On New Year's Eve, we had made plans to hang out and go to a party together at my friend's house. She was going to go to "a friend's" party beforehand, but we were to roundezvous later. The thing is, I already know that said "friend" is most likely her ex-boyfriend because my best friend also knows him and was invited to the same party, so I'm very on-edge and nervous all day long. Sadly, the weather was really bad and the roads were dangerous. After some awkward phone conversations, she told me that her parents were coming to pick her up from her friend's party and that she wouldn't be able to be with me that night. I was disappointed, but she suggested and promised we'd see each other the next day. I spent the rest of New Year's Eve sort of miserable at the party by myself. I could tell something was wrong, but I never could have predicted what was to come next.

 

The next day, we begin setting up plans to see each other. Then she goes away, comes back (this is on AIM mind you), and tells me she has something important to tell me. She says she's been doing "a lot of thinking," and I ask her to go on. She tells me that she realized she "rushes into things," and she "just wasn't ready for a new relationship." I'm immediately devastated beyond belief, and I make that no secret. I ask her whether or not she was at her ex's party last night, and she tells me the truth (or at least part of it): she was there. She tells me she's really sorry and that she shouldn't have tried to hide the fact that she was there from me, and that she just felt I would have gotten "the wrong idea." I beg and plea with her not to leave me, telling her how crushed I feel and that I'm bawling like a baby (which I was.) I beg her to at least let me see her in person, and I tell her that the internet is no way to end our relationship. She is wishy-washy and non-committal about seeing each other in person and tells me it would "only make it harder." She tells me she feels absolutely terrible about having to do this to me, that I did absolutely nothing wrong at all and that I have been wonderful to her, that it wasn't an easy decision for her to make, but that I simply have to understand she wasn't ready for a relationship. She also tells me that she's not shutting the door to getting back together with me. I try to take the slightest bit of solace in that.

 

Over the next few weeks, we continue talking on AIM, though it is heart-wrenching and the conversations always end hurtfully. I'm a very intuitive person, and I realize from her LiveJournal posts that she must still have feelings for her ex. A little background on him. They went out for about four months. She considered him the first person she ever really "loved." He dumped her about a month before she and I met because she is opposed to the concept of pre-marital sex, and thereforeeee wouldn't have sex with him. In my mind, this guy is a complete scumbag, and the idea that she still has feelings for him while having completely thrown me away makes it even more incredibly difficult for me to bear. She admits that this is true, that she still has feelings for him. We continue talking. I read all of the AIM conversations in her LiveJournal that consist of him talking trash to her and treating her like * * * *, with her telling him that she still loves him and him telling her that she never really mattered to him, that she's horrible, etc., etc., and it is infuriating to me. Eventually, out of the blue, he decides to take her back. As if I couldn't have been any more devastated...

 

In a constant state of depression, there's barely a moment in which I can't stop thinking about this girl. We continue talking on AIM, but it's pretty fruitless. Conversations either go nowhere or simply lead to drama and hurt feelings. I'm missing a lot of school and spending less time with my friends, who are all very worried about me. I tell my mother about it and ask if I can see a professional therapist, and she obliges. I start seeing him, and he tells me I should cut her off. My friends adopt the same advice. Eventually, her boyfriend breaks up with her - for the same reason, because she won't have sex with him. Like me, she becomes devastated, and although it pains me to see her hurt, I see this as a chance to hopefully get back together with her. Keep in mind this is about two months after New Year's, and we haven't seen each other since late December.

 

I continue being drastic and hopelessly obsessed with and infatuated with her. I rationalize to myself that I am in love with her, and even tell her that, but it's no use: I'm only scaring her and pushing her even further away. I tell my friends about how miserable I am and how I can barely function without her in my life. By mid-March, they finally decide to intervene by talking to her directly and asking her to cut off contact with me for my own good. She agrees that it's for the best. I freak out and tell her again that I love her. She tells me that I can't possibly love her because I don't understand what love is, that it's a very strong feeling that we never got to experience together, etc. etc. This only hurts me more. Devastated by the idea of no longer talking to each other, I resist at first, but eventually give in, realizing that it's probably for my own good to cut off communication with her; that continuing to talk to her has in fact only been making things worse. We agree to stop talking until I feel ready again.

 

About two or three months go by. I still can't get her out of my mind, but I'm at least able to function regularly again. She replies to something I post in my LiveJournal like an old friend, and I ask if she'd like to talk again sometime. She tells me sure. We start talking again, and though I still have feelings for her, I show no indication of them. We hang out a couple of times, and it goes remarkably well - whereas months ago I would have broken down in tears at the mere sight of her, I carried myself fine without the slightest trace of awkwardness. We start talking on AIM regularly again, entrusting each other with a lot regarding our personal lives and turning to each other for advice often. She's open with me and I'm open with her - except, of course, regarding the fact that my feelings for her haven't subsided.

 

Flash forward to summer 2006. We haven't really seen each other in a while for whatever reason, but we continue talking on AIM regularly. She has a new boyfriend. It hurts me a lot because I secretly would like more than anything to be with her again, as nothing seems to compare to the happiness I felt with her, but I can't really complain about it to anyone - as far as my friends or anyone else is concerned, I'm long over her. Eventually, her boyfriend ends up breaking up with her. She talks to me about it, then out of the blue begins apologizing profusely for what she did to me, comparing it to what her new boyfriend did...dumped her because he still had feelings for his ex who treated him badly, and then got back with her. I tell her not to feel bad about it, that I'm over it, etc. - all a pack of lies, essentially.

 

I leave for college and we aren't able to see each other beforehand, though we had planned on it. We continue talking online, blah blah blah. Since we broke up, I've had quite a few hook-ups with girls and even a couple of flings, but I can't seem to find myself attached to anyone. I'm even forced to break a couple of hearts. My head and heart remain completely wrapped around my ex-girlfriend, even though our relationship was brief and even though it shouldn't be nearly as significant as it was. Thanksgiving break rolls around. We almost see each other, and she even stops by my house to visit, but tragically, I'm not home. Now I'm on my winter break. It's been well over a year since we first dated, and in a few days it will be the anniversary of our break-up. Unquestionably, my feelings for her remain. We're supposed to hang out a few times while I'm home for Christmas break, which lasts until mid-January. I can't wait to see her, but at the same time, I have no idea what to expect and I'm very nervous. The fact that I even still have feelings for her after all this time makes me feel pathetic, but I can't help it. And as far as she knows, we're just good friends and I've been over her for more than half a year. The idea of us ever getting back together just seems way too far-fetched at this point, even though it's all I could ever ask for. I just can't envision ever getting over her. None of the girls I've been with since have compared int he slightest, and it's not through a lack of trying. I'd love to be able to get into a new relationship and simply be over her once and for all, but it doesn't seem possible. It seems my feelings for her will never go away.

 

Reading over this, it's very long, rambling and not as clear as I would have liked it to be. If you'd like me to clarify anything, ask away. If anyone took the time to read through this incoherent monstrosity, thanks so much, I really appreciate it a lot.

[GuitarHero]

Stop talking to her, pure and simple. It hurts like hell, but she needs to become a non-factor in your life if you are to have hope of a healthy relationship with someone who loves you as much as you love them.

[valenski]

A little while from now, you'll look back on this post and laugh your butt off.

[GinsengTea]

I kind of expected people to tell me to stop talking to her, and while believe me, I greatly appreciate your input, I'm afraid that is out of the question in spite of how logical it may or may not be. She's too great of a friend and losing that wouldn't be worth it. Yes, I value others over myself.

[Ellie2006]

Hi there,

 

Yes, I was going to say that you should consider stop talking to her and that your emotional stability is worth more than your friendship w/ her. BUT I see now that these are moot points as you are a willingly choosing to inflict pain upon yourself by holding onto this friendship. Funny, my definition of friendship does not include pain but perhaps your does?

 

That said, ENA is not only a place that offers (mostly helpful but sometimes unsolicited) advice but a place to vent. So vent away, GT!

 

We'll try to help any way we can!

 

Take care!

[GinsengTea]

Yeah, I don't really get it either. But it's really not as if talking to her in and of itself is such a damaging thing, and the pain of losing her as a friend would be a lot more difficult to me. I value her friendship too much.

 

I see little gains coming from cutting her off. Whether I stop talking to her or not, I don't see myself ever fully getting over her until I meet the right person, and that doesn't happen overnight. In fact, even when I get into another real relationship, even when I'm married and have kids, I don't think I'll ever get over my first heartbreak based upon everything I've heard. The first one stays with you.

[Ellie2006]

True, the first one may stay with you for a long time.

BUT first love (and your fond memories of it) shouldn't function as an emotional buffer that keeps you from meeting new people.

If your friend is fully occupying your heart, how will this leave room for someone else to come into your heart?

 

I am not necessarily saying you should abandon the friendship.

BUT how is this a healthy friendship if her friendship is stunting your emotional progress (i.e. is inadvertently (?) obstructing your capacity to meet someone new)??

 

Again, this is just *my* two cents ...

 

I guess we have to agree to disagree:

 

For you, meeting the right person precedes getting over her.

For me, getting over her should precede meeting the right person.

 

Your thoughts?

[GinsengTea]

It's not her friendship that's stunting emotional progress though. With or without her in the picture, I'm saying that I know it would be impossible for me to get her off my mind. It's difficult attaining the most wonderful and incredible thing you could ever dream of and then losing it so painfully and so quickly. I feel it sent me into a permanent shock - something I'll probably have to live with for the rest of my life. I can't see myself ever being so lucky as to be together with her again. If there's someone else out there even half as wonderful as she is, I'll be glad to eat my words, but so far it just hasn't happened. It is difficult for me to see it ever happening.

 

My ex and I have a very close and caring friendship in spite of all the drama we have been through together. It's not something I'm willing to sacrifice, just as I wouldn't be able to willingly sacrifice the friendship of one of my other best friends who I've never had romantic involvement with. Friendships are the most important things in my life.

 

Something that I've thought about a lot though: perhaps in a way I don't want to get over her. It would involve forgetting all of the wonderful memories. I don't want to do that.

[Lanterna Magica]

Something that I've thought about a lot though: perhaps in a way I don't want to get over her. It would involve forgetting all of the wonderful memories. I don't want to do that.

 

When I was 16 years old, I met a girl who I fell totally in Love with, for maybe a year after we split I pined for her even though I broke up the relationship, I thought 'I have made a terrible mistake'

 

I thought I would never get over her....

 

I thought that no one else would ever compare.

 

I am 32 now and since then have fallen in Love many times!

 

I bumped into her a few years ago and felt nothing but happiness to see her happy! Certainly no feelings of sadness, no feelings of regret, no pain, just the kind of love you have for a family member!

 

I don't stay in touch with her, I don't want to stay in touch with her! But I want to know that she is happy!

 

You have to let it go.

 

You will not find happiness and Love with another while you drag around this baggage! How many opportunities pass you by? Why do you stop yourself being open to the possibility of meeting new people. The girl you write about has moved on and sees you as a friend, not as a lover and not as a boyfriend, just a friend.

 

Maybe you are not in Love with her, but in love with the idea of being in Love.

 

You see your Love as embodied in this person, but I would speculate that what you are really craving is the emotional high Love brings. For so long as you believe you will never meet anyone who compares to this person, you will meet no one.

 

What could you give to another at the moment? Would you look at them and expect another individual to look the same and share all the same characteristics as this girl?

 

You are not with this girl any more, your relationship with her is really in the past and you have to start looking forward. At the moment you are having a relationship with a fantasy. You are painting ideal pictures in your mid that do not reflect the reality of the situation.

 

In just a few days a New Year starts and you have the perfect opportunity to make a clean start.

 

Your friends and family are worried about you which says to me you are far luckier than you believe. Accept their support, make some new memories, challenge yourself. Stand back from the 'need' you feel to be with this girl and think about what you need for yourself.

 

You will probably ignore all of this because it is not what you want to hear, but there is truth in what I am writing here.

 

Get over this self created slavery you have imposed upon yourself and live a fuller life!

 

There are six billion people on this planet, some of whom will become great friends or lovers! Do you expect that of all these people this girl is the only one who can make you happy?

 

There is happiness out there and you are blinkering yourself to it. Rather than suffer the pain, channel your emotions into doing something good for yourself and then see where you are in a years time.

 

I feel for you I really do, but you have to move on.

 

Time for a new chapter.

[Ellie2006]

Hi GT,

 

Sorry for posting again.

You know, I understand you better than you think; perhaps via my reasoning, I am trying to convince myself more than I am you

Regardless, please bear with me here:

 

You say that: you perhaps don't want to get over her bc you do not want to forget all the wonderful memories that you two shared.

 

Why would getting over her mean erasing all the memories of her?

 

To me, that's what "getting over someone" means -- keeping all the wonderful memories (and letting go of the bad) but ultimately recognizing that they are simply that: memories. As in something that happened in the past, something that shapes us and makes us who we are now, something that makes us smile when we think back about the good ole' day.

 

Of course, we don't want to let go of the wonderful memories but it is important to make NEW wonderful memories w/ a NEW someone; holding onto someone who has moved on will, in some ways, hold us back from making these new memories. Yes, while we do make new memories w/ our exes, most are, unfortunately, not always good ones; even you point out in your original post that you are in a "constant state of depression," bc you cannot stop thinking about your ex.

 

You write that you continue to talk on AIM but the conversation is "fruitless" in that it "goes nowhere or simply lead to drama and hurt feelings."

 

You write you're missing school and isolating yourself from your friends who are worried sick about you.

 

You write your attempts to be her friend is construed by her as an "obsession," which scares her and pushes her away.

 

You write that you cannot be honest w/ her about your feelings for fear that you might scare her away again.

 

You write how your friendship w/ her forced you to break the hearts of some innocent bystanders.

 

You saw firsthand how blindly holding onto someone -- i.e. your friend's inability to let go of her first bf, who broke her heart twice -- can be destructive, yet you choose to do the exact same thing she did.

 

I point out the things above not to change your mind per se nor to attack you by any means (sorry if I am overstepping my bounds here).

 

I point out the things above bc it indicates to *me* (and admittedly, I may be wrong) that you do see that you're in an unhealthy relationship w/ your ex under the guise that it's a friendship, when everything in your original post screams that it's not a friendship.

 

So in your mind, is there any other means by which you can move on from this "friendship"? Because as of now, meeting someone who will help you forget this ex does not seem like a possibility. So how do you see this friendship playing out? Do you plan to wait things out amid the pain until she decides to give your relationship another chance? Where is your agency in this?

[GinsengTea]

Thanks for all the comments. Ellie2006, I ask you and anyone else who chooses to respond to this thread not to hold any restraint whatsoever in voicing your opinions. I am appreciative of any constructive comments or advice you have to offer.

 

I really don't know what the motive of my conscious refusal to let go is. While the prospect of us getting back together is certainly very unlikely, there's nothing in the world I wouldn't give for that to happen. Perhaps that is it. My feelings for her in wake of our break-up (half a week until a year ago from now) never diminished an inch, and if anything, they only grew to monstrous proportions. I don't know what "love" really is, and both she and my friends tried to discourage me from ever using that term, but I don't know...what I do know is that I've never felt this way about anyone before and I can hardly imagining feeling the same way for anyone else ever again, even after all this time.

 

I may have mischaracterized myself when I said I'm in a "constant state of depression." I'd call it more of a neverending rollercoaster.

[Ellie2006]

Okay, you're probably sick of me posting but I have to ask:

 

Do you want to get off the rollercoaster?

Sure it has its exhilarating ups.

But unfortunately, there are those devastating downs.

 

On a final note, there's a quicker route to healing and a roundabout, arduous route to healing.

Me, I am stupid and decided to go the roundabout route.

 

BUT my point is the ultimate end point MUST be regaining your mental and emotional equilibrium.

 

I can't help but feel that you are going down a path, which is leading you further into pain, rather than away from pain.

 

Just my two cents.

[Lanterna Magica]

Who wants to live on a rollercoaster?!

 

You would do well to listen to Ellie2006.

 

You will never get back with this girl and she is not a true friend. You cannot be honest with her for fear that if you expressed your desires she would run a mile. So you keep them in and all you do is torture yourself!

 

Let go.

 

You have to let it go.

 

2007 - A New Chapter.

[GinsengTea]

To say that she "isn't a true friend" just isn't so. I don't think she would "run a mile." Truth be told, I don't know what would happen.

 

I've only talked about this with one of my friends who knows me and knows about the situation in person. He tells me I ought to tell her the truth about how I feel for her, because I really don't know what the results will be. That sounds logical, but at the same time, rejection has always been my biggest fear, and of course rejection on this scope would be even more difficult. Still, it probably would bring about a definitive answer and end the ongoing charades.

[GinsengTea]

Okay, you're probably sick of me posting but I have to ask:

 

Do you want to get off the rollercoaster?

Sure it has its exhilarating ups.

But unfortunately, there are those devastating downs.

 

On a final note, there's a quicker route to healing and a roundabout, arduous route to healing.

Me, I am stupid and decided to go the roundabout route.

 

BUT my point is the ultimate end point MUST be regaining your mental and emotional equilibrium.

 

I can't help but feel that you are going down a path, which is leading you further into pain, rather than away from pain.

 

Just my two cents.

 

I don't know if I want to get off the rollercoaster or not. Ideally, there would only be the ups.

 

There's no real going "back" to the mental and emotional equilibrium that you speak of, because it never really existed in the first place prior to this girl. It was never even fully realized when we were together, but it was certainly well on its way. Since then, not at all.

[Ellie2006]

I don't know if I want to get off the rollercoaster or not. Ideally, there would only be the ups.

 

There's no real going "back" to the mental and emotional equilibrium that you speak of, because it never really existed in the first place prior to this girl. It was never even fully realized when we were together, but it was certainly well on its way. Since then, not at all.

 

Hey GT,

Well, you know what people say: you can't fully appreciate the ups, if there are no downs.

 

Anyway, you speak of how, albeit it was never fully realized, your relationship with her gave you a semblance of emotional and mental stability.

 

Perhaps you are (for lack of a better word) erroneously equating the physical "her" with the semblance of stability the relationship was able to offer you.

 

Just food for thought: do you think you may be trying to recapture the stability via recreating the relationship w/ her?

 

If this is at all a possibility, have you considered finding other sources for capturing stability within yourself? Work? Hobby? Family? Friends? Etc etc?

 

Just a thought ...

[GinsengTea]

Hey GT,

Well, you know what people say: you can't fully appreciate the ups, if there are no downs.

 

Anyway, you speak of how, albeit it was never fully realized, your relationship with her gave you a semblance of emotional and mental stability.

 

Perhaps you are (for lack of a better word) erroneously equating the physical "her" with the semblance of stability the relationship was able to offer you.

 

Just food for thought: do you think you may be trying to recapture the stability via recreating the relationship w/ her?

 

If this is at all a possibility, have you considered finding other sources for capturing stability within yourself? Work? Hobby? Family? Friends? Etc etc?

 

Just a thought ...

 

Very true about that whole yin/yang argument. But I guess what I'm saying is I'd rather more ups than downs. The moment I met her and until she started acting strangely, it was like a constant high. It was euphoric. Nothing has emulated that since even though I've attempted things with other girls. It's sad.

 

I don't think it was simply the stability of being in a relationship that made me happy. Unquestionably, it was her herself. She made me happy, and then she made me miserable. I've improved dramatically since she first broke up with me, when I was a wreck for months, but there's still a lingering and uncontrollable desire to be with her because she was the solution to all of my problems and the only person (or the only anything for that matter) to bring me real happiness. When we were together, any other problems I may have had instantly became petty. As long as I knew she was there, and I was important to her, that was enough an my life felt complete. It just made everything okay. Without that, life has been a lot tougher.

 

We're hanging out in a couple of days. I'm really nervous but hopefully it will go alright. What I really want is to get into the habit of seeing her again regularly for the remainder of my winter break until I go back to college. She lives sort of far away, so yeah, seeing each other has been very sporadic since she ended our relationship.

 

I very much would like to re-capture that stability and the relationship but I'm not holding my breath. Optimism only brings disappointment for me.

[GinsengTea]

Hey GT,

Well, you know what people say: you can't fully appreciate the ups, if there are no downs.

 

Anyway, you speak of how, albeit it was never fully realized, your relationship with her gave you a semblance of emotional and mental stability.

 

Perhaps you are (for lack of a better word) erroneously equating the physical "her" with the semblance of stability the relationship was able to offer you.

 

Just food for thought: do you think you may be trying to recapture the stability via recreating the relationship w/ her?

 

If this is at all a possibility, have you considered finding other sources for capturing stability within yourself? Work? Hobby? Family? Friends? Etc etc?

 

Just a thought ...

 

Very true about that whole yin/yang argument. But I guess what I'm saying is I'd rather more ups than downs. The moment I met her and until she started acting strangely, it was like a constant high. It was euphoric. Nothing has emulated that since even though I've attempted things with other girls. It's sad.

 

I don't think it was simply the stability of being in a relationship that made me happy. Unquestionably, it was her herself. She made me happy, and then she made me miserable. I've improved dramatically since she first broke up with me, when I was a wreck for months, but there's still a lingering and uncontrollable desire to be with her because she was the solution to all of my problems and the only thing to bring me real happiness. When we were together, any other problems I may have had became petty. As long as I knew she was there, and knew I was important to her, that was enough. She made me feel complete. Without that, life has been a lot tougher and there's been an emptiness that I just haven't been able to fill, though the void is perhaps smaller than it was initially as I am at least able to function and live my life now (I wasn't able to at first.)

 

We're hanging out in a couple of days. I'm really nervous but hopefully it will go okay. What I really want is to get into the habit of seeing her again regularly for the remainder of my winter break until I go back to college. She lives sort of far away, so yeah, seeing each other has been very sporadic since she ended our relationship.

 

I very much would like to re-capture that stability and the relationship but I'm not holding my breath. Optimism only brings disappointment for me.

[StephenP59]

First off, welcome to Enotalone.

 

First of all I know what you are going through. Your break up sounds very similar to my 1st break up. I started going out with a girl in my mid teens, things moved fast and I very much thought I was in love with her. When she broke up with me I was absolutely devastated I sank into clinical depression it was the worst time of my life, the whole experience was made worse by the fact I had to see her at school, at work and at social situations. She got a new b/f and they were always around together which made it so much worse. Eventually when school and work ended I began to heal very slowly it took many months I took a year out of college went back and met my (now ex) who I went out with for 3 years and never would have met if I didn't take myself out of the original situation.

 

It is really important to cut contact with this girl everyone is offering advice which I wish I had 7 or so years ago. Not only will it give you space it will show her you on longer depend upon her, which is an attractive trait - although this time is only for you. If she is a true friend she will understand you need time by yourself - remember she acted upon her beat interests and likwise you need to do the same. I am still friends with my ex ex and we sometimes still talk about my reaction to the realtionships demise - she viewed my actions and selfish and oppressive, at the time I believed I was very loving and devoted.

The stability you talk of must resonate from within you, otherwise relationships will just be a temporary fix, the ending of this realtionship is a lesson you must acknowledge.

 

You will find completeness in other things - work, friends hobbies goals and ambitions, these are the things that noone else can take away they are yours. You cannot rely on another person for happiness it is unfair on them and will always set yourself for a fall. Self-reliance is so important. Take care

[GinsengTea]

Thanks for the welcome and the advice. I can somewhat relate to the situation as well, but since we're from different towns and went to different high schools, I suppose the physical visual reminder didn't exist for me - I know I'd probably have broken down if I had seen my ex with her (at the time) ex/boyfriend, especially considering what a scumbag he was (and turned out to still be.) I did endure MySpace pictures, LiveJournal entries, AIM profiles and away messages about how in love with him she was, which killed me privately.

 

But I've got to say, while your advice is greatly appreciated, I categorically reject any suggestions that would entail "cutting her off," and refuse to do so. As far as she knows, I am not dependent upon her and there is nothing to prove. I have given her no indication that I still have feelings for her and I'm planning on just sort of seeing what happens when we hang out in a few days.

 

Talking to her really is not the problem. It's the lingering thoughts and feelings that stay with me. They're not going to go anywhere, regardless of whether or not we remain in contact.

[StephenP59]

I think you should at least you should give yourself a chance go a week without talking to her and in that week try committing yourself to other activites focus your energies on work, hobbies etc. Remember you re still young don't look back and regret at least not trying. If after a period of time of not meeting with her you feel no better - be totally honest. I emphasise that two people will never estabish a romantic relationship unless they are both on the same page - it is clear by her actions she does not regard you in that way, thereforeeee only heartache and pain will continue. You cannot change someone else you can only change your actions. I really empathise with how you must be feeling but every action you take must be governed by your head and not your heart. The only time people get back together is when they have had a significant time apart of little contact - fact.

[GinsengTea]

"I think you should at least you should give yourself a chance go a week without talking to her and in that week try committing yourself to other activites focus your energies on work, hobbies etc. Remember you re still young don't look back and regret at least not trying. If after a period of time of not meeting with her you feel no better - be totally honest. I emphasise that two people will never estabish a romantic relationship unless they are both on the same page - it is clear by her actions she does not regard you in that way, thereforeeee only heartache and pain will continue. You cannot change someone else you can only change your actions. I really empathise with how you must be feeling but every action you take must be governed by your head and not your heart. The only time people get back together is when they have had a significant time apart of little contact - fact."

 

I feel that I give plenty of focus and energies to other areas of my life; again, this isn't something that prevents me from functioning, it's just a lingering heartbreak over and desire to be with someone who is special to me. I am sure I've unconsciously gone for well over a week without talking to her. It's not like we talk that often; when I'm in college we live very far apart, and even at home she's pretty far anyway. I haven't seen her since the summer. We talk online fairly frequently and we are pretty close and can sustain deep conversations, and we've both made it clear that we care for each other deeply in at least the context of a friendship. I feel there has been more than sufficient time apart. I'm looking forward to seeing her so I can evaluate what to do next.

[Lanterna Magica]

I have followed this thread and come to the conclusion that short of someone saying to you:

 

'I think that what you are doing is exactly right and yes you should stay in touch with this girl because it is your destiny'

 

You will continue to find ways to justify talking to her and your feelings for her. You should really read Superdave's posts about letting go. You need to let go.

 

You are in self imposed bondage here, you can walk away if you choose and in time meet someone who just eclipses anything you feel for this girl.

 

Is it the girl you actually like, or the idea of the girl?

 

When you spend your time filling in all the gaps of an internet conversation it is easy to envisage the perfect life in which there is constant romance, tender moments, total devotion....

 

It is a fantasy...

 

Ultimately you are going to find ways to justify your own point of view on this as you have done through out...alot of people have provided you with useful insight in this thread and you seem to find a way of refuting all of it.

 

Think about it.

 

Relationship break ups hurt....

 

But do you cling to the pain of them endlessly or do you deal with the pain and move on?

 

What you want and what you need are two different things.

 

Remember if your friendship with her is strong, you have nothing to fear in disappearing off the radar for a while to focus on yourself!

 

My own personal take is that you are in denial of your situation hence refuting the opinions of everyone you have asked.

 

A New Year in just a few days....Make it the year you let go and move on.

[Overmyhead]

Hi, I've been following this thread for awhile now and I'd like to give you my 2 cents.

 

I'm a senior in high school right now. I know exactly what you mean by that "euphoric feeling". My freshman year, I met this guy who became my first boyfriend and for the first year we dated, it was that constant high. Amazing feeling, isn't it? The relaltionship lasted about 3.5 years, and I was deeply, deeply in love. To make a long story short, we started arguing a lot and this year, he started dating other people. Needless to say, I was devestated. But like you, I continued to talk to him online, constantly read his Livejournal, including all the old posts he'd made about me.. and all the new ones about his new gf. And up until recently, he even shared a locker with me and I saw him all the time during school. Any chance to be around him was a chance that he might take me back, I figured. And I just loved being around him, any chance I got.

 

This went on for the first semester, or about 5 months. It was like a roller coaster. Sometimes we would have these amazing conversations and I would think things would go back to the way they used to be. I'd think back to all the times we were together and happy. And the fact that he was my first boyfriend made me believe I could never find that happiness in anyone else. Although I've never done the hooking up thing, I've never felt any sort of connection with any of my male friends even half as strong as the feeling I had with my first boyfriend.

 

3 years of attachment. It took it's toll on me- I lost sleep, I lost weight. My grades plummeted. Even when I was with my friends, I'd only be half there, thinking about him and what he was doing with his girlfriend. I felt so empty.

 

But there is hope! Like everyone else who has tried to help you on here says, you need to limit your contact with her. It's not the ideal thing to do, I know. Like you, I considered my ex to be my best friend, and I didn't want to lose any connection I had left with him. It took me almost half a year to realize I needed to get over him. But believe me, once you take the first step and realize it's time to start putting yourself first, it gets easier! You need to realize memories are in the past. Maybe just write them down in a journal or something to feel that release and then put it away somewhere?

 

I forget who posted it, but self-reliance is key. You can't rely on others to make you happy, but you always have yourself. You're in college, you have plenty of opportunities. Do stuff you enjoy, and enjoy it! Remember that you had a life before you met her. I personally don't see any merit to "hookups" and "flings". You're not going to get any sense of deep connection from those sorts of things, in my opinion. Invest your time into something a little more concrete.

 

Truthfully, I haven't met the right guy since my breakup with my ex. But for once, I'm okay with it. I can't exactly say I'm happy for my ex, but I'm getting there. I go out with my friends a lot more but at the same time leave time for myself. And flirting with cute guys is always a plus too

 

You'll make it through. If you want to talk about anything, feel free to PM

[GinsengTea]

Some important updates.

 

A couple of days ago, we were supposed to hang out. We had it planned out. It fell through because "her dad hid her keys" and I don't have a car. It was something I had been waiting for for months and she barely seemed to register any emotion over it. It's true that we weren't on the same page. She didn't realize how much seeing her again meant to me. We said we'd hang out again another time. Okay, whatever, that doesn't change the fact that I'm devastated today.

 

Last night, New Year's Eve. One year earlier, she was at her ex's party without telling me (even though I knew). She told me she'd call me all day long and she never did. When I finally called her, even though we had plans to hang out later that night, it never ended up happening because "her parents wouldn't let her." The next day, on January 1st, 2006, she broke up with me. Last night, I was going to go hang out with my friends, but I chose not to. I've been feeling pretty sick, but whether it's more physical than psychological is really quite open to debate - in short, while I may truly be physically ill, I undoubtedly knew I would be depressed if I had to endure another New Year's because it would have reminded me of my awful experience one year ago. I spent last night sleeping, and this morning, I read over old saved AIM conversations with her - before, during, and after our relationship. Memory lane was quite the rollercoaster. I smiled, I sighed, I laughed, I cried, and I broke down.

 

Today marks the first anniversary of that day. It was actually probably around this time in the afternoon right now that she first uttered those fateful words that would throw my life into chaos. For the past year, you see, I haven't been living my own life down my own path - I've been living it down hers. I read her LiveJournal about an hour ago, describing her New Year's Eve. I was shocked. All indications seemed to suggest that she is now back together with the same piece of * * * * who * * * *ed her over twice already. The same guy who's broken her heart repeatedly. Not only that, but she was drinking - something she's always made a big deal about being opposed to and has chastised me for in the past. The guy invited her to a party, got her drunk and got back together with her. Classy.

 

She was on AIM. I talked to her, but not about the new sudden aching I was feeling in my heart upon reading her Journal. I asked how her New Year's was. She told me it was great. Knowing that she never drinks, but pretending I hadn't read her journal, I jokingly asked if she got wasted. "Actually..." she started. I pretended to laugh about it. The conversation tapered off in typical fashion until it died. At first, I felt really anguished. But now, I'm beginning to feel it's no longer worth it. I've felt like this before, but honestly, it's New Year's Day. It's been one year. Three-hundred-sixty-five days. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING has changed. If they're not going to change on their own, I'm going to have to change them myself. I'm tired of hanging around waiting for her without her even knowing that I still ache over what happened A YEAR AGO. I'm tired of living my life and constantly shaping and reshaping myself for someone else who doesn't even understand or appreciate the feelings I have for her (even if that's partially my fault for not telling her).

 

I think it's time for me to end this and re-claim my life. The only question is how? I need to stop talking to her, that's all there is to it. I'm debating whether to explain all of this to her or to simply let it die quietly.