Do I tell her I met someone else?

[pacopaco]

I recently met another girl who is laying the attention thick. She's said to me she likes me, and is very comfortable with me, and that she enjoys my personality.

I broke up with my ex in February. She cheated on me, but has admitted all year what a big mistake she made. She knows she lost someone very special. She's told me she still loves me, and regrets this whole year. She also has said that she doesn't know where she is at, and that she feels loast, floating. I believe all these things, and I have forgiven a lot of what has happened. we have been intimate, and we still see each other once in a while, but not always to be intimate. I still love her, and I truly believe that people make mistakes. she has a good heart, and we know each other like no one else does.

Anyway, I was thinking of telling her about this girl I met. I have not been intimate with the girl, but with how she flatters me and all, I know something is going to happen. As far as telling my ex, it is not for fear of guilt, or like i'm doing wrong, but it's more like saying "I have kept your seat warm next to me, and now someone new has asked me to sit." I'm not torn by this, as I know there is nothing I can do to get my ex to start thinking about us again, but I also want to let her know that I am moving on, without making it sound like an ultimatum. or is an ultimatum what some people really need? I don't think that is t he case. One friend told me. "Look, your ex, still loves you, look at the things she says and does. Her head isn't clear right now, so you just sit back and ejnoy your own ride, because she (the ex) isn't goig anywhere because she still wants you in her life."

So should I tell her? I'm a living man, and the attention i'm getting from this new girl is starting to break me down. The new girl doesn't know about my breakup, as we've only known each other since a little before thanksgiving, and I didn't think it was her business, but she said she'd like to get to know me better. what to do, what to do...

[DN]

Don't tell the ex unless she asks.

 

But what is much more important that any of that is this: don't you break the heart of the new girl or mislead her in any way. That would be wrong.

 

If you pursue a relationship with the new girl then put your ex out of your heart and mind and concentrate on making the new relationship as good as you can.

[pacopaco]

absolutely. I don't want to mislead the new girl. that would put me right into jerk status with the guy my ex cheated on. no, the new girl is not being mislead. She isn't a rebound, as I feel a year has passed since my breakup. She's a nice girl too, sweet, and funny. No, I'm not manipulating her, or misleading her. I would rather not see her, because cheating cheaters, players, and infidelity all hurt no matter what side of it you're on, unless you fall into jerk status.

[chai714]

Let your ex be lost by herself. As much as you love her, why should she deserve another chance? She's so called, "lost." Is it your job to become her savior? Nope.

 

This other woman though - she has a clean slate with you. She knows how to make you feel good, at least for the time being. Why should this other woman have to pay the price of being deprived a fair shot while you're still figuring out what to do with your ex? If you have enough common ground then why not continue seeing her?

[Hope75]

I agree with the others.

 

Your ex has no business knowing about the new girl and telling her would just be cruel.

 

But as DN said- make sure you are 100% over the ex and ready to move on so that you can give the new girl a fair chance without breaking her heart too.

[rosie76]

But haven't you just written that you still love your ex? 'Living man' or not, you owe it to the new woman not to get involved with her if your heart's not free - and I mean entirely FREE - of your ex. If you can type 'I still love her', that's not true.

 

If you want to see someone new, by all means tell this new woman everything about your situation honestly and she's fine with that then enjoy yourself, but keeping the fact that you're still in love with your ex, see her on and off, have been intimate with her after your breakup, etc. from the new person in your life is, in my opinion, playing her.

[pacopaco]

I agree with the others.

 

Your ex has no business knowing about the new girl and telling her would just be cruel.

 

But as DN said- make sure you are 100% over the ex and ready to move on so that you can give the new girl a fair chance without breaking her heart too.

 

 

cruel? see, that's the thing here. I haven't done anything with this new girl, as a matter of fact, I wasn't even looking for her, she introduced herself to me, and came on to me. It felt good that a woman was so forward with me, but I've kept the new girl on a "friend" status so far until she said to me "I like you, and I'm very comfortable with you, and I think you're an attractive man." That's when I said to myself "Ok, this can go someplace." New Girl has not said she wants a relationshiop, or is just looking to have fun times, and I have not pushed it.

I guess what I really wanted to tell the ex is something along the lines of "look, I know you messed up, you know I forgive you, and we love each other, but I've been getting some serious attention from someone else, and I need to know what you want to do about us. Love me or let me go." Right now New Girl, I don't hink is in any place where I will hurt her. I've been a gentleman, but I've been treading very slowly, because I don't want to hurt her. I think her attraction to me is sincere, and I'd hate to come off as a player on account of someone else who messed up. So what do you mean by cruel?

[pacopaco]

But haven't you just written that you still love your ex? 'Living man' or not, you owe it to the new woman not to get involved with her if your heart's not free - and I mean entirely FREE - of your ex. If you can type 'I still love her', that's not true.

 

If you want to see someone new, by all means tell this new woman everything about your situation honestly and she's fine with that then enjoy yourself, but keeping the fact that you're still in love with your ex, see her on and off, have been intimate with her after your breakup, etc. from the new person in your life is, in my opinion, playing her.

 

 

this is a very very good point, rosie. very good indeed, hell, I guess deep down i was thinking that New Girl is a sort of bargaining chip, I can use to say "step up, or step out." that would be so wrong of me to do, and believe me, that last thing i want to do to anyone is put them through the pain I went through. Also, it would put me right in there with the jerks of the world. I don't want to become that. I don't wish it on my enemies. you're right I do still love my ex, and she loves me still. she said it and it shows, but I guess in the end, it all comes from this feeling that I don't know what to do about her. Time? take time? thank you for this post rosie, it's eye opening.

[Mavis VDSande]

Stop living for your ex I'd say and make this decision to go out with this new girl by yourself. You said it's been a year since you split. A year and nothing's ever going to happen as nothing has.

 

Think hard about what your true intentions are on approaching your ex about this. Why do you really want to tell her? What reaction will you expect? What reaction do you really want?

 

When you know in your heart the answer to these questions and more you'll know what you need to do.

[pacopaco]

Stop living for your ex I'd say and make this decision to go out with this new girl by yourself. You said it's been a year since you split. A year and nothing's ever going to happen as nothing has.

 

Think hard about what your true intentions are on approaching your ex about this. Why do you really want to tell her? What reaction will you expect? What reaction do you really want?

 

I guess I want her to let me go or make the decision to make it work. we've been split since February, and all year, we'd stop talking for a month and a half, and then she'd call. She'd say she loves me and wants another chance, and as soon as we'd get to talking about my anger, she'd head for the hills and say "I can't do this." this went on all year, same pattern. Finally I asked to to please let me go, and not contact me, and again she'd do the same thing, even showing up at my house. I just figured if I finally t old I met someone, it's be like a slap of reality to the face, and it would force her to let me live in peace or realise she is going to lose me again, and for good.

I know she has self esteem issues she needs to work on, and I think that's ok for us not to be together, but she has had such a problem letting go of me. I told her that even if she wants to be in love with me again, she'd still have to let go of what was, so that it can start anew. I did, I had to.

[SpeedingCars]

Please tell her... you are in the exact situation my ex was in. He met someone new and it went on for about one or two weeks and I knew about it but he hadn't told me yet and I thought he was SCUM... he always promised he'd tell me if he moved on or not, you know, out of courtesy because we were planning on getting back together. Finally, he told me about her and it gave me closure.

 

I'm still hurt by it, but I'm not angry at him anymore... by telling her, you give her closure and also end things amicably.

[DN]

Your intent and her interpretation may be two entirely different things. You hope to make her decide one way or the other - she may just think you are being manipulative.

[Mavis VDSande]

It's been nearly a year and actions really do speak louder than words. If your ex has not taken steps to "find herself" or build a rels with you - then she really has no part in the decisions you make in your life now. And she may well never act on them, or she could pursue a rels with another man.

 

Are you scared to let go of her? If you make your decision for yourself will that be the final straw off letting go of your ex completely?

[rosie76]

No trouble, pacopaco, and good luck with it.

 

I was in the same situation several years back - I hoped saying there was someone new would make my wavering ex come down on one side or the other, and while it made him think a lot and made him sad, it didn't clarify anything between us. Details below if you fancy a look - long and short is that from experience I really feel new and old relationships should stay truly separate in your mind and your heart for everyone's sake.

 

I was completely honest with both my ex and with the new guy - I told the new person know how strong my feelings for my ex were, that I wasn't in a place to give my heart entirely to him. The new guy said he could handle the situation and was happy to have the time with me, and we reiterated this conversation again and again through the first months of going out. We were together for a year but I eventually split up with him because he was terribly, irrationally jealous - not of the ex, who he was very understanding about, but of everyone else in the world. In retrospect, isn't this understandable if I allowed him to keep going out with me while letting him know I still cared for someone else? Sure it was his choice, but it's never going to be easy to walk away if you've fallen for someone, and I should have made it my choice. But then again, I really enjoyed being with the new guy, who treated me wonderfully. While we had some wonderful times, I feel bad for eventually hurting him and it didn't help me to get over the old ex at all. The old ex and I were back into a painful on-again off-again thing within a few weeks of my splitting up with the new ex (completely unexpected since the old ex had moved out of town in the interim) It was another 9 painful months before I finally realized the old ex and I were never to be, and another 2.5 years before I got over all of this properly. Moral is, for me at least, that I can only be in love with one person, I can't choose how fast I'll get over them, and putting other people into the equation - no matter how honestly and well-intentioned - can hurt as much at least as much as it helps.

 

(Ironic twist is that a year of being hyper-jealous and badmouthing guys he imagined might want to steal me from him, the 'new' guy started a devious cheating relationship with the girlfriend of someone at his work almost immediately after we split up - causing me a fair amount of pain in the 'I've got someone new' stakes - they've been going out for years, and are now happily emigrated to an island paradise!)

[pacopaco]

It's been nearly a year and actions really do speak louder than words. If your ex has not taken steps to "find herself" or build a rels with you - then she really has no part in the decisions you make in your life now. And she may well never act on them, or she could pursue a rels with another man.

 

Are you scared to let go of her? If you make your decision for yourself will that be the final straw off letting go of your ex completely?

 

I did let her go. i was forced to. I didn't ask for the infidelity. I did let her go, asn I did get angry, and in my head I called her every name in the book. After I was done letting go, I realised that I still love her. I love her person. i don't want to manipulate her into making any kind of decision, I just want her to know that I am a good man for her. that I care for her, and though I know she made a mistake, mistakes are there to be made, but I can't hold on to nothing. all year I've been dealing with intangibles, and I can't anymore.

[Siriana]

Hi pacopaco.

Please stop contacting your ex. Otherwise this situation is going to become toxic.

You can't have a friendship or any sort of contact with her if you want to move on and start dating new girls. Right now you are complicating things and soon it will get messy.

I am 100% shure this new girl will not be thrilled with you contacting your ex, especcialy after finding out the story between the two of you. It is wrong to keep that friendship toward your future partners.

 

So I still think you're in a rebound stage because of this prolonged contact - so I advise you once again to NC you ex, take some time to recover and than start dating.

[Mavis VDSande]

Hi pacopaco.

Please stop contacting your ex. Otherwise this situation is going to become toxic. You can't have a friendship or any sort of contact with her if you want to move on and start dating new girls. Right now you are complicating things and soon it will get messy.

 

So I still think you're in a rebound stage because of this prolonged contact - so I advise you once again to NC you ex, take some time to recover and than start dating.

 

I agree. If your ex has not tried to re-build on your rels since Feb then you're just going to prolong your unhappiness and waste your time with someone who's just not interested.

 

You're not really interested in this new girl either to be honest. If you were you wouldn't be asking general opinions on what you should do here. You would be asking her out on a date already and memories of your ex would not be as serious or fresh as this.

 

So I think you know that you've come to an unhealthy situation. You do not owe your ex anything. But you are still putting your life on hold because of her. Coming to her and telling her of his new girl is just because you want to scare her or get her to try again out of fear and jealousy. This isn't fair on the new girl or healthy to you.

 

Whatever you pursue with the new girl whether now or in the future, or even if you just remain friends, you must do so completely ex-free.

[Mavis VDSande]

You may be a good man for your ex but she is not a good woman for you. And you deserve someone who treats you better and actively wants to build on your rels.

[pacopaco]

good advice. I'm not telling the ex anything. and I'm going to keep it on a friend level with the new girl. I also am going back to NC, I think. Now that this situation has presented itself ( i wasn't looking for anyone to be interested in me just yet,) I think it's a good test for me. the last thing I want to do is A) Use New Girl as a kind of bargaining chip, and B) become exactly what the guy my ex cheated in. A selfish jerk without any feeling of accountability.

Yes, I still have feelings for my ex, but it isn't working for me. and this new girl that has just appeared, i think appeared too soon. My timing is off, emotionally. I think back to NC with the ex is the best thing for me right now.

[heloladies21]

Hey, I won't knock anyone for doing whatever it takes to get back their ex, but the simple fact is that psychological games such as these have been proven not to work. Even if you are to see some type of result by her jealousy, this would wear off and you would be right back where you started.

 

So the choice is up to you, just realize that if you do this it's gonna lead to wasted time and false hope.

[pacopaco]

Hey, I won't knock anyone for doing whatever it takes to get back their ex, but the simple fact is that psychological games such as these have been proven not to work. Even if you are to see some type of result by her jealousy, this would wear off and you would be right back where you started.

 

So the choice is up to you, just realize that if you do this it's gonna lead to wasted time and false hope.

 

yeah. I figured as much. throughout this breakup, I have been kind to her, not played games, and have just been myself. I feel that now, after meeting someone new, is the test of that person I saw myself being after all these things happened to me. I'm not going to play mind games. not this late in the state of things. for what? The new girl? I don't think I'm ready for her. If she doesn't want to be friends with me, I guess I'll have to let her go too, because I'm just not ready, i feel. i'm still afraid, and seeing that her approaching me and telling me she liked me was shocking, all i can basically say is "thank you for the compliments," but I'm not ready. I'm glad I haven't "done anything" with her. it would have become messy, indeed. I feel I can still be friends and walk away from it all with my dignity, and self respect intact.

[Hope75]

What I mean by cruel was using the new girl as a bargaining chip to force your ex's hand- and to manipulate your ex.

 

And everyone pretty much covered that- and you recognize that it is not the way to handle things.

 

I think that giving the ex almost a year to attempt any changes or reconciliation is enough. I would be tired of her tricks by now, aren't you?

 

I would go NC with her and give yourself some time to work through your feelings.

[pacopaco]

thank you hope,

 

what you say is true. deep inside myself I was thinking of using this girl as a bargaining chip. She's done no wrong to me, and has only been sincere with me, telling me she likes me and finds me attractive. I'd be so wrong to go tell the ex any of this for wanting to force her hand. that would so much put me in the realm with the A-Hole Guy crowd.

And you are right. It's been since February, and my ex has exhibited a pattern and wanting to work things out and then backing out once she hears something she doesn't like. It's gone on long enough. If this new girl wants to stick around, it could be as friends. I don't think I want a friend with benefits, but I'm not ready for a relationship either, no way.