Understanding a woman's thoughts

[luciand]

Hiya, I'm currently trying to understand my ( technically) x-gf's thoughts about our situation. So any perspective that you think is possible would be nice to hear.

 

After two years of long distance contact ( with sometimes close contact ) I was dumped over Thanksgiving break. She told me she didn't feel sexually attracted to me anymore, says she still loves me, I'm still good looking, still enjoys kissing/doing things with me, but doesn't have that " spark ".

 

I tried talking to her about it but she doesn't want to go into detail over the phone/AIM. Supposedly when we see each other after Christmas I'll get more details.

 

All that I know other than this information is that she's claimed maybe she just wants me as a best friend, or that she needs time apart from me. However, despite claiming she needs time apart she still IMs/calls me.

 

I would like to see what people think is going on here and maybe to pick a few brains as to what they would be thinking in this situation.

[froufrou]

Maybe your ex requires more regular, face-to-face contact to keep the flames of passion burning. Maybe with 'critical distance' she feels more and more that you two are just going to be friends in the long-run. Maybe she finds herself increasingly attracted to males in her vicinity and would like to pursue them, but refuses to hurt you in the process. If she has indeed got feelings for someone else, or other men in general, then she has done the right thing ending it with you. This shows she actually cares about your feelings and as a person has moral integrity - two definite plus points. When you two speak more over the Christmas break, and presumably she tells you exactly what's happened in her life to provoke the breakup of your relationship ('cos these things don't tend to come out of thin air), you'll be offered a certain amount of closure. Which, in the short-term, hurts, but in the long-term is the best cure for getting over someone. Jeez, I hope after all this speculation, her explanation isn't something like, I broke up because you weren't paying me enough attention!! Lol

[luciand]

That sounds very probable.

 

Do you think that if I was ever able to give this " close contact " a lot more often things might start up again? I know I cannot do that right now (at least until summer break) but maybe sometime in the future.

[saint_saul]

Hey there,

 

I've put a guy into this exact same situation before, so maybe I can offer some insight.

 

First, she cares about you and still finds you attractive. The long distance issue probably has caused her to question her feelings emotionally, which led to the conclusion "maybe I really don't find him sexually attractive." In short, here's my advice: give her space. Talk to her when she calls occasionally, but don't act too clingy. After some reflection or something, she'll be thinking of you and that spark will come back. Sometimes, you just need a little space. Good luck!

[Helen67]

Once the spark has gone, it's very hard to ignite.

I think she's just moving on, meeting new people and going to new places, it does have that effect especially on younger people like yourselves.

 

I was with my b/f about a year when we then bothed moved (together) in our job. Where we were originally had kept the spark going, cos we both had had separate relationships and history, so we both had slight jealousy over each others ex's. But when we moved, all the new ppl we met were our mutual friends, no need for making an effort in our relationship, and it just got boring.

 

I lost the spark with him, he was a great pal, we looked the perfect couple in public, but I could not sleep with him anymore. He didn't attract me anymore, so eventually we split up. He moved back to the original town, but I still had contact with him, it was all so very agreeable. He got a new g/f, which was also okay with me...except...when I went down to the town, and I saw them together, this hit me hard! Strange really, I did not want to be with him, but when I saw he'd moved on I cried, I think alot may have been me thinking that he still held a torch for me, so how could he have found someone new. It was just silly selfishness at the time, and did me no harm, I was over it in a day.

 

I suppose what I'm trying (not very well) to say is, your ex feels close to you, but I don't honestly believe she wants anything more than just friendship now. I know it sounds harsh, but start moving on, you are still very young (compared to moi). So start living a new life without her.

 

All the best.

[mitch17]

u will never understand a womans mind

[anggrace]

Hmmmm, well, I think her age or experience might have something to do with it. It sounds like shes looking for that excitement she felt when she first met you. After a while, in any relationship, that goes away. The structure of the relationship changes. Not necessarilly in a bad way. But mabey shes not ready for all of that. I think when you guys do talk face to face, you should just listen and not try to convince her of anything. Be a friend and mabey one day, when she realizes whats really important in a relationship, shell want to have that with you.

[luciand]

Thank you for your thoughts about this subject.

 

I currently just wanted to know what could be going through her head. Of course I would like things to work themselves out, but I know that they might not.

 

Personally since I love her so much, if she thinks this is what she needs I'm willing to accept it.

 

I don't know if I should remain in contact though. She wants time apart from me, so I was thinking just no contact at all so the both of us can heal. Or on the other hand to tell her that I'm here to talk, but only when she initiates.

 

I don't really know if I should try to be her friend either, since I will always have deep inside of me a longing to be with her.

 

It's not a good feeling to lose someone you've had a very close bond to on all levels.

[no_bad_news]

can a guy love his gf but sleep with someone else.

if girls need emotional connections to stay in a relationship. what keeps a guy interested?

[luciand]

In your situations, was there an absense of both physical & emotional attraction?