Movin' on up?

[Shaker]

Almost a week ago, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me over the phone and quite unexpectedly. We've been talking about marriage and were doing really well. The catalyst was that he went to a Christmas party the night before and met someone. The result: He wants to be my best friend (I don't).

 

We live together, but are both with our families this week for the holidays. Although I want the relationship to be repaired, and expressed this to him, I'm thinking about driving to our apartment tonight, packing up, and trying to find a spot to move out to this weekend.

 

He returns to our apartment next Tuesday, and part of me thinks it would be best if I've moved out all of my things before then so that we can have some space.

 

I haven't told him about this because he hasn't been in touch since early Monday morning when we had a short small-talk conversation.

 

Do I need to give him a head's up? If I leave, am I damaging the chances for reconciliation?

[EddieRentz]

If I could do it all over again, that is exactly what I would have done. I wouldve packed up while she was out and bolted. Moving out is tough and it hurts and you will be in pain for a while, but you cant stay there... it will cause you infinitely more pain.

 

You have to protect yourself right now and put yourself first. Read through Majord, Blender and the major posters threads, there are some great plans there. I really think the point of NC and the methods on this board are to get us (those that have been dumped) mentally and physically healthy again.

 

As far as chances for reconciliation, the mistakes those of us who were not on this board made (the begging, the crying, the pleading) can stop for you right now.

 

You leave without notice and he has no time to prepare himself for it, this may be the best shot you have for shocking him into reevaluating what he did.

 

You have to realize that is secondary right now though, realize that the first priority is to get YOU healthy and to start healing. I think that moving out immediately is the way to do that if you think seeing him afterwards is going to cause you pain.

 

Take it from me, if I had a time machine, I would have left the day I found out about the person she met on the business trip, before she had a chance to sit there and convince herself about all the bad things about me. People can justify anything in this situation - you wont believe what this person you have shared life with for 4 years is capable of. Mine went as far as to tell me at one point "I always hated the way you chew"!?!?!?!?! I chew with my mouth closed... she went so far as to analyse the fact that my teeth made noise and it annoyed her. Don't be around him any longer to let him pull that on you ----> I stayed 3 weeks too long and got dragged through the mud for everything from that, to the way I spoke, to the way I sleep... I promise you it is hell, take this opportunity to avoid that pain...

[Wimpy]

Almost a week ago, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me over the phone and quite unexpectedly...The catalyst was that he went to a Christmas party the night before and met someone.

 

Ask yourself - is this the sort of guy with whom you WANT to reconcile?

 

No-one can tell you what to do - only you know everything but that jumped off the page when I read your post.

[RayKay]

If he went out to a Christmas party and 'met someone' and then decided to end it after talking about marriage, and having been together FOUR years, and living together - and by PHONE yet....you should not even be worried about reconciliation at this point in my opinion.

 

He has shown you no respect in that sense.

 

I absolutely think you should move out, and you don't have to notify him....he sure did not really consider you when he decided that someone he met one night was more important than four years together.

[Shaker]

Hi,

 

Well, I drove half the night and came back to my apartment with a car full of boxes and packing supplies and a family member (to help lift things, including my spirits if need be, but I'm feeling eerily pulled together).

 

For some reason I had been bracing myself for more surprises when I arrived--like my things already packed up, or the answering machine having a message from the new woman.

 

But nothing here has changed, except the photos of us have all been turned face down, and there's a gift for me on my dresser. I sort of love incongruities.

 

Thanks for your advice. I'll let you know how it goes this weekend. My landlord is letting me out of the lease. Who says you can't take sides?

[jusified]

agree with Raykay,

 

I'm in similar situation to you shaker (not as bad bust same principle).

 

He showed no committment no loyalty and no respect for you and the relationship.

 

Best of luck and try hard tomoe on with life.

[Shaker]

This is harder than I thought. I'm packing things up, but I'm so filled with doubt that I'm doing the wrong thing. I want to turn around and head back home so I can deal with this when I'm feeling stronger--instead of exhausted and heartbroken.

[Shaker]

An update (even though I'm starting to feel like I'm entering a confessional!)

 

My packing is nearly done, and I looked at a bunch of apartments today. It's starting to look like I won't have a place to move my things because most of the leases start on january 1, so I'll probably have to come back here to move out the boxes...but I'll bring friends for muscle and make a batch of sangria for them.

 

On the bright side, I think I found a place and I'm going back to see it tomorrow.

 

I talked on the phone with my ex the day after the break up, and briefly again the following morning but not at all since then. No emails, either. We didn't discuss NC, but it feels like the right thing to do. It's been a week since the break-up. I'll keep you about the move and about who breaks NC first, (but I'm holding onto my stubborn guns thanks to the fabulous advice on these pages).

 

Hope you all have a great Christmas.

[bella321]

Shaker,

 

Your strength is so admirable. You are being true to yourself even though what you're doing is the more difficult route. I wish you best on your break up recovery. I'm sure good things will be following you. Stay strong!

[Hope75]

Hi Shaker,

 

I can't help but feel that you seem oddly detached after 4 years together and such an abrupt ending by him- with very little info other than he met someone.

 

How are you really doing?

 

Are you just in shock, or is this maybe something that you saw coming for awhile?

[Shaker]

Hope,

 

Thanks for your comments.

 

I didn't see it coming at all. We have an anniversary vacation coming up, and I was sure he was planning to propose (I still think I may have been right about that).

 

The information I have about who he met: she was an acquaintance before Friday, he had a lot to drink after a stressful week, and spent the night at her place. She knows he has a girlfriend, and we may have even met at some point. He feels guilty, and because he did something out of character, pointed the blame at me. So here are.....

The other reasons he gave for the split:

1. He doesn't like that as a couple living in this city for a few years now, we don't have a very solid social network, just mostly each other. He thinks I'm not very social, and that our dynamic as a couple (which is good) doesn't always translate into large group situations.

2. His romantic feelings for me have dwindled in the last 2 months, but he didn't tell me until the break up.

3. He's had doubts in the past about the relationship and feels like he was talked into staying.

 

I like your question about being detached. It really made me think. Thanks!

About 6 months after we first started dating, I had to move to a new country for school. He secured a career here and followed, leaving behind everything he knew. It was a great "grand gesture", but I had already settled into life here and was nervous about how he would deal with leaving behind friends and family (I've moved a lot, so my buddies are already scattered!). He seems to resent me and resent living here even though I never asked him to come.

 

I keep returning to the question of whether or not I should try a grand gesture myself. Although I've thought about getting tickets to fly out for a weekend to neutral territory together--get some sun!--or something like that, I don't know if I can handle another knock right now. (ie: invite him to go away with me, and have him say no cigar).

 

So here's a question. Can grand gestures, like flying off to Paris, work? Has anyone tried this?

 

What's the difference between desperate and romantic?

 

In response to your question, I don't feel detached, but I am working on detaching by moving out. My legs are shaking, I've cried, I don't have an appetite (but I've been eating little bits at every meal), I don't sleep well (but I turn out the lights every night and go to bed).

 

I kept thinking all week that I hadn't heard from him because it's Christmas. Or I haven't heard from him because he needs time and space to think.

 

Today I woke up realizing that he's the one who is detached. He hasn't been in touch because he doesn't want to be. He doesn't want to send mixed signals. He isn't rethinking anything. He's sure about the break-up. And as much as knowing all of that hurts, there isn't a heck of a lot I can do about it. So the grand gesture has become giving him what he wants, even though I wanted desperately to put up a big fight for him.

 

I guess the bottom line was I didn't want a mate I had persuaded to be with me. And maybe grand gestures always lead to that if they happen post breakup.

 

I'm of course hoping that he changes his mind. That he doesn't see me leaving as agreeing with him.

 

That's where I'm at today.

[Shaker]

The apartment I looked at today won't work out for me after all. Another one off the list, and now I'm heading back to my family.

 

I've thought more about my detachment. I'm wondering if it's because I'm deluding myself, and I feel okay because I'm convinced the relationship isn't really over. Dangerous, I know.

 

For everyone reading this: when did you realize it was really over? Does it just take time?

 

Are there signs I should look for to see if reconciliation is possible? Is NC on the part of the dumper a sign that it isn't?

 

And a question for the dumpers: do any of you feel like you let the "right one" get away? How long did it take to realize this? What did you do about it (if anything)?

 

Thanks!

[bella321]

Hey Shaker,

 

Those are tough questions! I think physical removal helps to signify that it is really over. Packing up my boxes was the hardest part because of that. Once I was in my new place (my parents' house) I didn't cry as much or as long as I was in the two months leading up to me moving out. In terms of your detachment, I think it you know it's over and if you're looking for apartments and packing your stuff up, you are making a pretty clear statement. However, even though I know it's really over, I fantasize often about him changing in order to get me back. Does he know you're moving out, btw? Have you contacted him at all? In terms of reconciliation, do you want it? Are you willing to forgive his cheating and blaming things on you? It sounds like you are ready to move on. If he's interested in a reconciliation, you'll know it because he will communicate it VERY clearly with you. My therapist told me once when my ex was continuing to hit on me/contact me, etc, that unless he's saying, "What can I do to change myself to be with you again?", he doesn't want that. Lastly, being the dumper, I don't feel that I let the right one get away. My ex and I broke up because he never wants children. Until/ Unless I'm at an age where I am unable to have kids anymore, will I truly be able to answer that question. Hope this helps. I'm sorry that you are dealing with this over the holidays! Keep posting, the people on this site are amazing, insightful, and very kind.

[Hope75]

Hey Shaker,

 

You seem remarkably composed for someone going through a breakup- I think we just all handle it in our separate ways.

 

I would tend to agree with you that a grand gesture isn't going to change his mind, and would only supplement a mind that was made up to work things out anyway. You are smart for now to give him space and let him see what life is like without you- the ultimate consequence of his choice.

 

Have you talked to him recently?

 

Is he still seeing this other girl?

[Shaker]

Hi Bella 321,

 

To answer your question, he doesn't know about my move. We haven't talked for a week now, or written. I always go through a wave of disappointment when I get in from a run because I immediately check my phone messages. But he hasn't gotten in touch at all. Our landlord (who lives in the building) didn't know either, so I had to break the news to him to get removed from the lease.

 

The landlord had suspicions, though. Apparently my ex wasn't spending the night in the apartment the 2 days leading up to leaving for his Christmas holidays....

 

I do want reconciliation, and I can forgive him quite easily (actually, he told me about the cheating earlier in the day we broke up and although I was upset and we obviously had some issues to work out, I was okay.)

 

Great advice from your therapist. I'll have to file that one away!

 

The children issue I completely understand. For me, there are a number of things that are good reasons to end a relationship. I think my ex's reasons are stupid, but who doesn't?

 

Thanks!

[Shaker]

Hope,

 

Thanks for your reply. I'm sure you're right, but I totally hate feeling powerless.

 

As for the new woman, he originally said that he just wasn't sure what he was going to do. I'm not sure what's happening with that, but I can't imagine that one night (even if it's a great night) can stack up against several years worth of great memories.

 

Maybe I'm wrong.

 

I can't help but think that if I had gone to the party instead of coming home, everything would be so different today. It seems like such a small, stupid thing. I've never been this sad...

[Shaker]

Christmas came with some blues this morning, but my family has been great and patient and my friends have circled the wagons, so I feel lucky.

 

And I'm also scared. I'm still hoping to hear from my ex, and I'm really worried about about how he'll react when he arrives at the apartment tomorrow and sees I've packed up my things. (I piled the boxes really neatly, and kept everything out of his way. Didn't leave a note, but was tempted.) Still daydream about meeting him at the airport in a santa suit, or giving him a heads-up about what he'll be walking into tomorrow.

 

NC is hard.

[Shaker]

I could use some advice.

 

My ex will be returning to our apartment Tuesday, and will obviously see that I've packed up everything.

 

I'm several hours away (still with family) and feel the urge to go see him, but I think seeing him will be devastating.

 

I'm not sure what to expect tomorrow. Christmas is over now without any word from him.

 

I figure tomorrow will go one of three ways:

1. He'll continue to not contact me.

2. He'll contact me about logistics (to find out when I'm moving, etc.)

3. He'll contact me to have another talk

 

I'm dreading all possibilities. How should I handle each scenario?

 

I guess in the first case, I keep NC. But what about the other two?

 

I feel really heartsick and awful tonight. I'm still in disbelief, and shocked that he hasn't called to see how I'm doing especially since he wants to be friends.

[Shaker]

It's evening now, and still no word from the ex. Any moment now he'll be arriving at our place.

 

I'm still not sure how to handle this stuff.

 

So here's a question: because my breakup was over the phone, will it help me with closure if I see him in person, or is NC the best way to go?

[Hope75]

Hi Shaker,

 

I think at some point you will have to talk to him, since you share the apartment and possibly some other things like utility bills or property.

 

It's up to you if you think it will be easier to do that over the phone or in person- how do you think you would best be able to handle it?

 

I think you just have to go with your best instinct about things and wait to see what happens. If you know he is coming home tonight, why not give him a call and see if he wants to talk, so you can let him know what's going on?

[Shaker]

Hope,

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

I feel like any contact right now will be painful, over the phone or in person unless it's a chance to really sit down and talk over things, but I think he's done with me.

 

We do have bills, etc. but I've managed to solve all of those issues and there really aren't any pragmatics left to talk about. Just the relationship, but I'm guessing by his lack of contact, he's not interested in having this kind of talk.

 

I wonder if I haven't heard from him because he's sleeping elsewhere?

A torturous question, I know.

 

I'm starting to feel angry, like if I called him tonight, I'm just cleaning up his mess. Why doesn't he feel any accountability? There's something really cowardly about him in all of this, and it's not a trait I've ever seen in him before all of this.

 

Anyway, packing up my things had no impact on him for whatever reason. And neither has no contact.