*Very complex cyber relationship* (it's a long story; really)

[DN]

Yes i do. I think that the risks involved in you being hurt in some way are quite high for a relationship with someone in his situation and whom you don't really know except from online.

[NmaeZero]

I've figured as much, but I try and look at it this way. Regurdless of what happens there's always something to be learned. I've come to realize (after many years of thought lol *sarcasim*) that it's worse to regret than to mess up. My dad always says that so I guess I'm taking it to heart. Lol, and if everything does go bad then hey I have a pretty awsome story to tell.

 

I'm trying to get into the habbit of looking at the bright side b/c life is too short. But tell me, what do you think I would stand to lose by continuing the way I am. I'm curious.

[DN]

I think you could lose the opportunity of a more usual relationship with someone that you could actually meet.

 

I think you could become overly invested emotionally and that you could lose faith in relationships if it goes bad. It is easy to get a skewed view of how a relationship should be when you cannot actually read someones body language when they talk to you and feel that electric chemistry of attraction with someone up close and personal.

 

Those things are very important to a relationship - an online relationship is cerebral and much less emotional because we are not designed as human beings to react with people we cannot see in a way that will bring long-term happiness.

 

LDRs are hard for people who have actually met - they are superhumanly difficult if you have not.

[NmaeZero]

Well that's food for thought. I really would like to be certain, but for the time being i feel like I have to shelve it all. We're in a predicament here what with the parole and all, but hopefully I wont have to wait too much longer. I'm thinking about a trip to Cali to check out a college campus i'm considering transfering to my second year of school, and well it's right beneath Oregon (where he lives) so I'm planning on figuring out the f2f chemistry then. Have any advise on intial meetings in these situations?

[Budman]

Hi *waves*

 

Ok, Woot,

 

Ok, now the reason we need to know the crime is simply because different crimes mean different things.

 

Copyright infringement (aka computer piracy or stealin the mp3z) is much different then armed robbery/murder/assault.

 

To clarify, was it non violent or violent (and don't I repeat don't say well he's not violent, or didn't do the violence, being vague.)

 

Also, he can't do all the runnin necessarily.

[NmaeZero]

well since everyone keeps hounding me about it, he went in for Attempted Assault III. Does that really affect the advise I'm going to get? I mean honestly, everyone in here has made it dead clear that i'm wasting my time here, so what is this extra piece of info going to add? An extra (!) on the RUN FOR THE HILLS statement? Besides you guys don't even know the circumstances. I'm sorry but life is not a TV show or a movie here. Things don't play by a script, although I'm sure that's the way most ppl see it. I'm tired of worrying about the A-typical reaction from ppl. I'm just tired; so there you have it. Is there anything new to add or more of the same?

[Budman]

well since everyone keeps hounding me about it, he went in for Attempted Assault III. Does that really affect the advise I'm going to get? I mean honestly, everyone in here has made it dead clear that i'm wasting my time here, so what is this extra piece of info going to add? An extra (!) on the RUN FOR THE HILLS statement? Besides you guys don't even know the circumstances. I'm sorry but life is not a TV show or a movie here. Things don't play by a script, although I'm sure that's the way most ppl see it. I'm tired of worrying about the A-typical reaction from ppl. I'm just tired; so there you have it. Is there anything new to add or more of the same?

 

Even more of the same, simple for the fact that he potential has violent tendancies which is even more red flags.

 

Do what you want, you wanted opinions there they are.

 

Also, we know life is not a movie and it doesn't play by script, which I advise you must remember you're not in sleepless in seattle, or some other movie like you've got mail.

 

Remember that.

[Hope75]

well since everyone keeps hounding me about it, he went in for Attempted Assault III. Does that really affect the advise I'm going to get? I mean honestly, everyone in here has made it dead clear that i'm wasting my time here, so what is this extra piece of info going to add? An extra (!) on the RUN FOR THE HILLS statement? Besides you guys don't even know the circumstances. I'm sorry but life is not a TV show or a movie here. Things don't play by a script, although I'm sure that's the way most ppl see it. I'm tired of worrying about the A-typical reaction from ppl. I'm just tired; so there you have it. Is there anything new to add or more of the same?

 

Yes it does make a difference in the advice you are going to get- because this man has a history of violence and has shown that he is unable to control that to the point of being arrested and going to jail for it. That is a very serious offense and a pretty good predictor of the risk for such behaviour in the future.

 

This has nothing to do with a movie script or a TV show- and it is naive to think that way- and the circumstances of how he got this charge are not important. What is important is the fact that even under duress, he was not able to control himself to the point of attempting to (or actually) attacking another person. That is a pretty scary and serious thing. In order to actually be sentenced to prison vs. community service, anger management and just probation, it has to be a pretty serious offense.

 

And DN is right- you have not even met him face to face and you do not really know someone until you do. I think you are turning a blind eye to a very big red flag, and using the defense of being 'optimistic' in order to ignore something that has been proven about his character and ability to be violent. This is a very risky situation and not one that is a good idea just to 'try out' for the sake of learning something that you can already see from here.

 

This is not a situation where you want to have an 'amazing story' to tell. My ex beat me to the point of near death before I left him- I am only alive today because I left- it is not a situation you should risk for the learning experience- this is one where you learned already he has great potential for future violence, a history of violence already, and this is not a good situation to be involved in. It doesn't matter if he hurts you or someone else and you happen to be with him and get to take a rap for it as well.

 

It seems you are too emotionally entangled in this to be able to see if for what it really is.

[Hope75]

Oh, and one more thing to consider:

 

Do you think that everyone is telling you the same thing because we are all against you and don't want to see you find happiness?

 

Or because we care what happens to you and can see a very dangerous situation unfolding in front of you?

 

Think about that and let me know what you come up with?

[NmaeZero]

All I can do is really laugh at this situation. You guys still blow my mind with your advise, it's duelly noted though. First of all, how can you say the circumstances of a crime dont matter? Life is nothing but circumstance, and I hate to tell you this but sometimes ppl actually have to make difficult choices. Ever heard of the lesser of two evils? I think most of you are coming from a closed-minded and bitter point of view b/c of what you've gone through. You want to assign the Red Flags that popped up in your bad situations to mine. I can understand why you do it, it's human nature...but I can't agree.

 

What's the biggest thing I should worry about here? Should I fear this experience because it has some technicalities or road bumbs (because that is all any problem is, BUT a road bump in the larger scheme of life). Yes there can be some bad out comes to this situation but I've thought of ALL of them, and hahaha I don't fear them. I'm confedent enough to accept whatever the outcome is. What I do fear is ppl's fear, ignorance, and judgement. As for a violent history, you guys are too quick to assume, and it's a really a shame b/c you can't live life like that; you miss out on so much great stuff.

 

Anyhow, you're more of the same comments are noted and stored. I'll keep you guys "posted" on the outcome. Oh and if you should happen to see my story on America's Most Wanted, girl found dead and mangled in Oregon woods, then all I can say is Ooops! My bad lol. That's all I care to argue on that point;

 

Good day

[Budman]

Ok, One more thing.

 

did you know that once you turn 18 all of your records before hand are not able to be seen. Expunged, you are "clear", at least thats what I remember anyway.

 

Unless it was murder or that such, ya at 18 he'd look like he has a clean record, but so would a lot of gang bangers too.

 

Also, look at your response compared to ours. You're attacking us, instead of our theories. Think about that.

[NmaeZero]

He was 19 when it happened so it's not a clean rec, but he can exponge it in like 10 years or something. As far as attacking you goes, I dont think I am. I'm merely stating my own opinion and views confedently. If I have something I feel needs to be said I'll say it, that's just how I am. I'm sorry if you guys feel attacked, but I'm not going to sit here and pretend like I agree with you when I don't. We'll call it a friendly, yet heated, debate and leave it at that.

[NmaeZero]

Oh and btw, I think ppl's theories are who they are, so if I'm attacking those it's easy to see how it could be taken as a personal attack.

[Budman]

Oh and btw, I think ppl's theories are who they are, so if I'm attacking those it's easy to see how it could be taken as a personal attack.

No I don't feel attacked, I'm just stating that you are attacking the person then the theory. A possibly poor example would be:

 

Smoker: Medical science can't fully say that ALL cancer is caused by smoking and second hand smoke.

Non-smoker: You're just saying that because your a smoker!

 

See what I mean, its not attacking the argument (or opinion) it's more or less attacking the person stating they're biased.

 

Now here's the conversation continued

 

Smoker: Potentially many things can cause cancer such as asbestos, radiation, Lead, and many more!

Non-smoker: Yes, but a majority of the cancer related deaths were smokers in a recent number of years. There is a correlation between smoking and cancer!

 

See how the rebuttal uses a fact or statistic to attack the argument at hand. That's what I was talking about. Granted you did use one part for it, "How can you not take circumstances into consideration." Which I will go more on after the quote.

 

I think most of you are coming from a closed-minded and bitter point of view b/c of what you've gone through. You want to assign the Red Flags that popped up in your bad situations to mine. I can understand why you do it, it's human nature...but I can't agree.

 

Anyway, The reason why we feel the way we do is simple. He got involved with a bad group of individuals, he lost all of his potential contacts, and apparently he decided to go down a morally inept road (I'm not saying he is inept, I'm stating the path he went was apparently not legal). Granted we don't know all the facts but

 

Attempted assault is,

 

that a necessary element, to support charges of assault in the second and third degrees and or reckless endangerment, to allege that the respondent was aware of and consciously disregarded a risk that injury would occur, that the risk was substantial and unjustifiable and that the disregard constituted a gross deviation from the standard of conduct that a reasonable person would observe.

 

Anyway what we are saying is this could be the first time he is caught, the first time he was convicted etc. (A high percentage of women never report abuse for example! He could have a path of abused women and you never know about it). I would also like to add 5 years probation, 2 months in jail, and it being considered a felony he may be not letting on or falsifying information. Granted I may be wrong, but I'm just saying you can't look past this point. It has been proven that violent tendencies are almost always repeated.

 

He lost all of his "financial" freedom and ability to make money, Hey guess what I also want you to know that being a Felon really reduces your chances at getting a job as well. Especially with an assault charge. So he was doing extremely well, and then took an extreme opposite of his situation? IF he was doing well, making a good living, etc etc, why did he get involved in a bad situation. You're making him sound like either a, the victim, or B the Matyr. I really seriously do not think he "put his life in jeopardy to save someone in a bad times turn worse scenario." or that he was "Standing up for someone and got hit with assault in the process." IF I remember correctly, Felony's especially assault charges could go for a jury, and most jury's won't convict a guy trying to help someone.

 

 

I will say from being here for the longest time, this group of individuals are some of the most open minded people that I've ever encountered.

 

This is just my take on the issue, we're trying to help you. Personally I wish for you to meet someone, and live happily ever after. Preferably one without a felony over his head.

[Hope75]

Our opinions and advice are going to come from three things, education, experience and personal feelings about a situation.

 

You are absolutely right that my past experience plays a part in why I would be extremely leary and cautious in a situation such as yours- it has shaped a part of who I am.

 

I also know statistics state that a person who has a history of violence (and being arrested & convicted for assault= a history of violence) is more likely to become violent again. That is fact- it is not based on my personal feelings.

 

And surely you admit that there is inherant risk in getting ivolved with anyone that you do not know/have not met personally, and that risk increases when the person has a criminal record.

 

How old is this guy, anyway? You mentioned the crime was committed at age 19- when was that?

 

And yes, the reason that I (and others) see red flags is because of past experience, plus knowledge of this type of behavior and it's common outcome.

 

I still think you are minimizing the situation because you are emotionally involved and are going to do what you want to do and that's the end of it, and that is fine. But you did come and ask for advice... and you got some, and some very good advice if you ask me.

[Honey_30]

people makes mistakes..dont they deserve a second chance?

 

he went to prison but he was honest about it.. surely if he meant her any harm he would try to hide the fact he went inside.

 

i do agree though that if you went to meet him you should take a friend with you. its always a risky thing when you meet someone from online.. but if you approach it with a sensible head then it can be fine.

 

i dont think you should give up on him..i would say meet sooner rather than later though.. cause how many years you going to wait and then if there is no chemistry ..what a waiste of life.

[NmaeZero]

Thank you Honey, finally someone not on a witch hunt. I hear what you two are saying Budman and Hope but you two made up your minds before you gave me any advise; I could sense it. Circumstances aside I think you two are missing the key ingredient in the situation, FAITH in people and the ability to give ppl the benefit of the doubt. Why else would I be involved in such an extreme situation unless I had some sort of feeling that I was doing the right thing? Of course you guys can only go by statistics in this case because you don't personally know him or me.

 

I'd like to reiderate what Honey said, he was honest about where he went and why. How do I know? I did my homework, I have the custody record to prove the charges and his age (btw he's 19, he'll be 20 this Feb) and all of that other stuff. He hasn't lied to me about anything important thus far, period. I don't know about you, but I can't condem someone just for making a mistake and screwing his life up by going to jail. I sure as heck wouldn't tolerate it if he kept doing the stuff that got him in trouble but he isnt. In fact is he's starting community college for a major in web programing THIS monday. His financial aid got reinstated under strict conditions, he ordered his books, and just yesterday he informed me that he just got a pretty big job recommendation for a site. Am I making my point here?

 

Yes he's made mistakes, BIG mistakes, Felony mistakes; but he's actively fixing them. And Budman, I'm sorry that you don't believe people are capable of putting themselves in harms way for others, even at the risk of screwing themselves over. When did doing that become such a shock to ppl anyway?

 

Anyhow, I'm not worrying about the outcome and I suggest you guys don't kill yourselves thinking about it either. What's going to happen will happen. Life does go on.

[Budman]

No, I do personally believe that people can and do put themselves in harms way for others, what I said was I doubt that was the case in this scenario because of the harshness of the sentencing. Also, I would like to add, I made my *take* on the situation when he was on a good path and then went sour.

 

If he was successful the question I beg is why did he suddenly do a 180?

[Honey_30]

didnt you ever go off track in your life?

 

it happens.. online or offline.. just cause someone been inside doesnt mean there evil or going hurt people..sometimes lifes situations take you down roads you wish you hadnt gone into..

 

you seem smart, i think he deserves a chance. of course if anything seems wrong then it probably is..and i would deffinetly be cautious with the whole thing..but i would be cautious regardless of him having been inside or not .

 

i hope it all goes good for you there

[Jeff777]

We all go off track in life. Some get back on for a while but are off too much of the time. Some stay on most of the time - and have a slip here and there. Just statistics - that's all.

Everyone is valuable as a human being - but there are different seasons for different people. What I mean is sometimes guys have to go through a growing process before they can "settle down" or even be in a serious relationship.

 

Hey I know - If I married before I was 30.... well... nevermind, But - girl-

take it slow - love him and life and REMEMBER (oh man I guess I old sounding here) you are still young ( - I do remember that young-love stuff and you know - I still love her to this day!) Funny how that works in your heart - huh?

 

Many thoughts and blessings your way. I pray that he gets on track and stays that way. PEOPLE - PLACES - THINGS.

[Budman]

didnt you ever go off track in your life?

 

it happens.. online or offline.. just cause someone been inside doesnt mean there evil or going hurt people..sometimes lifes situations take you down roads you wish you hadnt gone into..

 

you seem smart, i think he deserves a chance. of course if anything seems wrong then it probably is..and i would deffinetly be cautious with the whole thing..but i would be cautious regardless of him having been inside or not .

 

i hope it all goes good for you there

 

Yes and no. When I did go off track in life I was headed there anyway, it was such as "the turn was an acceptable thing/thought of as possible"

 

Granted I believe people can change, but *big but here* 80% of people do not change so if the next 100 people came on here asking this same question I would answer this the same way the next 100 times, and 80 times I would be right.

 

Here is a question for you, same scenario, a woman goes to meet a man, he's an abusive person for the next 20 years she gets beaten almost nightly/weekly. Is the chance of "the one" worth overcoming the plausibility of this?

 

Also one could say that the op could be predetermined for that type of relationship and open to manipulators as well.

 

If you want to do it op, I can't stop ya

[Honey_30]

 

 

 

Here is a question for you, same scenario, a woman goes to meet a man, he's an abusive person for the next 20 years she gets beaten almost nightly/weekly. Is the chance of "the one" worth overcoming the plausibility of this?

 

Also one could say that the op could be predetermined for that type of relationship and open to manipulators as well.

 

 

 

of course not.. nobody should have to put up with any form of abuse ever!

you have a point but there is no clear way to ever know who your meeting..wither it be in your local town.. online.. or through a friend..there is a risk whatever.

 

i wouldnt walk away from someone purely based on the fact that he made a mistake and went to prison. i would be very careful with him and keep my eyes open. but i disagree with posts here that say she should walk away.

 

i totally disagree with you saying that the op is predetermined for that type of relationship... how can you say that ?

 

you dont know her.. or him.. she is well aware of what he has done.. and for some they would run a mile but she has decided to stay by his side..i see nowt wrong with that all.

 

i dated someone who went to prison.. for car theft.. he did his crime and did his time so to speak.he regretted it, and turned over a new leaf .i trusted him 100%.

 

as it happens we split up but had nothing to do with the fact he had been to prison..and as far as i know he has a very comfortable business all above aboard and legal with a family of his own now.

 

so it doesnt predetermined anything

[Budman]

Actually I say its predetermined because he committed a violent crime. Attempted Assault III is a violent crime.

 

Again because I am limited on what happened etc, I still say he has more potential for it then say a guy who went to jail for theft (in any degree) unless its Armed Robbery which again I will give you there is a *chance* that that person is still non violent, but you can not tell me someone who goes to jail for assault or any violent crime for that matter isn't more likely to be an abusive person.

 

Also, since the ops wearyness to post the charge/circumstances one could state that she her self felt that this is a huge issue. (Granted I understand her issues with it).

 

Granted we do not know the whole story, but I still stick to my guns, if she came on her and said, "He got arrested for attempted assault because an old lady was being attacked and he was compelled to help her" is a much different story then what I assume, "him and some buddies got drunk in a bar, and they started a fight"

 

I can bet you $100 that the jury/court would be much more leanient on the first case then the second.

[desert_rose26]

hm...jen4413 'nailed it'. I second it. Everything is about Confirmation...sooner or later, time will tell - but you can always speed it up when you get the chance.

[Honey_30]

Actually I say its predetermined because he committed a violent crime. Attempted Assault III is a violent crime.

 

 

 

.

 

i still disagree

 

i guess its personal opinions.. some people wouldnt go near anyone who had done time for a violent crime.. personally i believe that people deserve a second chance in life.. he made a mistake.by the sounds of it..he isnt proud of what happened and is doing everything to put his life back on track. thats a good thing and he shouldnt be pushed aside just because he made a mistake.

 

personally i think the ones you have to watch out for are them online who are shady in their openess. the ones who cant quite give a straight answer.. change their answer from time to time.. he was open and honest and he made a big mistake..it doesnt mean he is going to turn into a violent woman beating basterd .

 

of course IMO