Unintentionally shooting her down

[Wilxen]

I've had a problem in pretty much every relationship so far, which is that I keep shooting down what my partner brings up. Sometimes it's just something they are trying to share and not overly important, othertimes it is something they are excited about. It just seems to be my normal response to blurt out obvious statements or suggestions which end up making them feel dumb or like I am unwilling to hear them.

 

I love my current partner dearly, and she knows I am trying to work on this, but my concern is by the time I fix it, if ever, she'll already be too afraid to share things with me.

 

Does anyone have advice as to how I can more quickly improve this? I do value what they have to say, but I seem to not respond in ways which encourage more sharing.

[xmrth]

I think the first thing you should do is to listen to everything they have to say, and let them talk to you until they ask for your opinion. But don't give statements when they ask, but try asking questions that show your interest.

[cordelia]

I find that I have a similar problem and maybe its an insecurity thing ? I don't know..but I find as soon as I get comfortable in a relationship I start cutting down my boyfriend in a sarcastic way, not name calling or anything but becoming critical and making him feel stupid. I don't know why I do it and I can feel myself doing it and there have been times where I feel so bad right afterwards that I apologize for it. They always say "yeah no problem" but I'm sure inside they are wondering what the hell my problem is!

[blueangel]

That's how I always act towards my mom. I do everything to try to be pleasing and perfect for my boyfriend though- in loving ways, not uptight ones...just because he is more outside of my everyday life so we get into our own world when together (thereforeeee he is my escape and release- making him automatically a higher priority to me than my mom obviously is). It sounds to me like your partner's worth to you may be the same- but how they entertain and give escape to you has lessened. It could be time to do some fun things with them. (or romance them a little more than usual to get back the spark)

 

This person's wellbeing needs to be a higher priority and I can see from this post that you're trying to make it one. Maybe you are not sharing YOURSELF enough and your own thoughts about your day. Perhaps a subconscious jealousy (of them being so open and you not feeling as able to be) is causing this carelessness with your words and tone.

 

Maybe your snide comments do come from the fact that you are not truly listening to the individual. I would start there, on listening to who they are and being patient enough to become more and more interested. It's like- some people who we are so comfortable with, we also tend to leave less and less room for in our lives (and like I said, less of a priority to charm them and comfort them) because you trust so much that they're always going to be there. You stop really listening to them because you feel like you have them. Well, reality is that we don't have anyone- we can't have people. Love is always the attempt of having a person, if you think about it. Once you stop attempting, you lose them more and more until they're gone.

 

Go on some real dates. Do some fun and unique things. Try to get the spark back> and maybe that will spark your interest again (haha) Maybe you take yourself too seriously and your partner not enough.

[CarnelianButterfly]

First thing: Hold your tongue! Stop yourself from saying what pops in your head. Really consider your words and think things through, make choices as to what you will say.

Second: Listen. While you are being quiet, be open to what they are saying.

Third: Think about how what you say may be taken by the other person. Consider if what you are saying is going to hurt them and whether it really reflects how you feel.

[Emotional]

I understand what u mean by that...Do you know what may be leading you to react in a seems to be careless manner....Not insulting you at all, Anyways...Sometimes things in our life and the experiences we have been through can take in effect of things we do in our everyday lifes..I find that it can also rub off on you from being around certain people or family members...

Also, you may be over analyzing...but..i dont knoow..

 

Let your girl know what your going through...if you dont it might get worse...

 

No worries man, you'll be okay...

[TheRedQueen]

Think before you speak, and whenever in doubt, opt for silence.

[arrrrffff]

definitely think before you speak: "Is this going to be a negative statement?"

 

The best thing you can do is listen and AGREE with the person. You will find you'll gain alot of trust that way and people will want to talk to you.