Question for the ladies...Looking for a better guy?

[Firefly]

Hi,

 

I'm hoping some ladies can give me some insight as to what they think about this. Anyway here goes...

 

When you are with someone, in the early stages of the relationship (say 3 months), are you still on the lookout for a better guy and open to dating someone else if another guy you like asks you out?

 

Also, in the same situation as above, would you spend time alone regularly with another guy? For example, would you go on a night out (meal and drinks at a bar) alone with another guy whilst you were dating someone else, and would you spend a day at the weekend with another guy regularly?

 

Assuming that the other guy is a friend but not a long-term/close friend, just someone you know to talk to.

 

I'm wondering if this is normal for a woman to do this whilst being in a relationship - or whether she is still on the lookout for something better?

 

Thanks for any replies. I'd also appreciate guys points of view on this too.

 

Firefly.

[flower99]

I am answering these questions Assuming I'm officially dating & not just seeing someone.

 

am I still looking out for a better guy, when dating 3 months? No, Not looking for a better guy. If I was, than I wouldn't be dating.

 

Open to other dates? No....wouldn't that be cheating? unless we are only seeing eachother the answer is definietly NO.

 

The only way I would spend a lot of alone time with another man would be if he was a good, long time friend, or a relative.

 

If your girlfriend is accepting dates from other men, and spending a lot of quality alone time with another man...I would question her movitives & doubt her faithfullness...basically I would NOT continue to date her.

If she's still looking, than maybe you should to.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I would say its depends on the situation. If the guy I'm with is my boyfriend, then I would do none of those things. If the guy is someone I've only seen a couple times and we are only dating each other then I would be open to seeing other people. I think it really depends on the state of the relationship, some people need to be told that its exclusive, others will just do it on their own.

[rosie76]

For career / social group reasons, most of the people I know socially are blokes, so this wouldn't be weird for me. E.g., I was seeing someone new I was really keen on a few weeks ago, but still went for a night out and a gig with another guy I don't know all that well, just because he was the only person I knew at all who was keen to come along to the show. So I don't think her seeing the other guy is necessarily means she's looking for someone else and if she shows all the signs of being into you, I'd not make a big deal of it. There are few bigger turnoffs for me than possessive or jealous guys. That said, if you're unsure, why not just ask her if the relationship is exclusive?

[Day_Walker]

Given the facts that you have stated it sounds suspect to me that a person in a fairly new relationship is going out with a friend that is not a long term friend and is not a close friend but is a member of the opposite sex. Of course if you are omitting facts then that could change the answer but as you stated, it seems that something is up.

[Firefly]

Just to clear up the situation, I am the "other" guy she has been spending time with. Now I'm not malicous enough to steal her from another relationship (if it's serious) but I feel she is just "making do" with the guy she is currently with, and that she also likes me. Heres the full story, please take the time to read as I'm tearing my hair out and the internet is my only source of advice:

 

1. We are work colleagues, been friendly from 4 months, not close but have a talk/laugh together. We chatted maybe once a day and had been out for after work social gatherings.

 

2. Early on she was attracted to me dropping subtle hints that I completely missed. Damn! I know for a fact that had I asked at this point, she would have jumped at the chance.

 

3. We become a bit more friendly and she stepped up her hints which I did notice. Other people also informed me that she fancied me.

 

4. A month ago, I was planning on asking her out (she didn't know this) but before I had the chance she mentioned she had been "sorta seeing" someone for a couple months (met via online dating) and they had been meeting once a week. She had hidden this from me (she talked openly about her other close friends) and seemed uneasy telling me about him. This wasn't a confession out of the blue, we were talking about relationships in general. This information stopped me asking her out.

 

5. Since then we have spent a day together for each of the last few weekends alone. She has even suggested herself that we do things like this again. I still feel she is attracted to me. She has continued to see this guy and now she is seeing him more often than once a week. But she really enjoys her time with me and has told me so, and I know she finds me attractive.

 

6. I asked her if she would like a night out (didn;t mention "date") for a meal and drinks in the New Year, she agreed immediately and looked pleased. She has never said no when I suggested we do things alone together.

 

I have also been informed that she was lonely prior to meeting this guy, and was looking for male attention. She has never called him her boyfriend to me, but her friends (not work friends) have referred to him as her boyfriend.

 

I have asked her if it is getting serious between them and she replied "depends on the definition of serious"...

 

She has recently called me "sexy" whilst drunk then got embarrassed about it. But on the downside she invited me to meet her with her friends on night, whilst this guy she is seeing was there also...

 

My thinking behind still pursuing this girl is that she is "making do" with this guy. I want to still ask her out but don;t want to ruin being friends with her.

 

What do you think looking at the bigger picture?

[Juha]

As far as people looking for someone better, male or female...

 

There are people out there who will be dating someone, i.e. have a

boy/girl friend and are always on the lookout, no matter what...These people

may have a good person but that does not matter to them. In their mind there is always someone better or they just get bored with people...

 

It is not easy to spot these types of people at first but with experience you will...

 

There are also people who are commited when they have someone they value and like when dating and do not look...

 

 

ALso if someone just wants company, they are lonely they will latch onto anyone that comes around until they find what they want...

 

It svcks but that is how alot of people are....

 

good luck and take care of yourself....

 

 

[caro33]

I think it sounds like you are right, she is making do with him. She sounds like she is keeping him there because you have not come to the party and proven interest, and she's not prepared to take the risk of being alone in the event nothing happens with you.

 

She is doing the old keeping 'one in the freezer' except it's the current guy being kept on ice.

 

Or she's full of it, and she's flirting just for fun and isn't serious about any of you. Who can tell?

 

There might also be work issues here, maybe she's nervous about damaging her work relationship with you. Are you worried about this? Work relationships always seem easy while you're doing this fun 'is he/she interested or not' dance, but it can get really really difficult if you date and it all goes wrong. Are you prepared for that?

 

I think that unless you are really blown away by this girl that it might be worth looking elsewhere. Someone who's single, open to being with you and who isn't potentially damaging to you job-wise.

[hosswhispra]

She sounds like she's not 'exclusive' or as I like to say, "going steady" with the guy she met from online. Until she's 'exclusive' with either you or him, she can pretty much date whomever she wants to.

[Firefly]

Or she's full of it, and she's flirting just for fun and isn't serious about any of you. Who can tell?

 

There might also be work issues here, maybe she's nervous about damaging her work relationship with you. Are you worried about this? Work relationships always seem easy while you're doing this fun 'is he/she interested or not' dance, but it can get really really difficult if you date and it all goes wrong. Are you prepared for that?

 

I think that unless you are really blown away by this girl that it might be worth looking elsewhere. Someone who's single, open to being with you and who isn't potentially damaging to you job-wise.

 

I don't believe she is full of it. In fact I would say she has problems with low self-esteem (not all of the time). I think she genuinely likes me - others have said this is very obvious.

 

I'm not worried about the work relationship - we actually work in different departments, we just see each other around the building a couple times a day and chat via email and text.

 

I am almost blown away by her - I think about her a lot and am basically frustrated at the situation. I like her, she likes me, but she's seeing someone else... I'm just trying to figure out if she is still waiting for me to make a move and would ditch the other guy if I did.

 

The only way I could let it go is if she said "yes I'm very serious about this guy I'm seeing" or if she told me she was just interested in being friends with me. Whilst there is a doubt in my mind as to her intentions with me and the other guy I can't let it go. This is why I'm trying to read into her behavior about spending time alone with me.

 

Thanks for the help.

[hosswhispra]

I am answering these questions Assuming I'm officially dating & not just seeing someone.

 

Just curious....what is the difference between dating and "seeing someone". Is "seeing someone" the same as being exclusive or is it the stage that comes before exclusivity? Or is "seeing someone" like a friends with benefits situation?

 

All these definitions remind me of when I had to study definitions for my English class back in high school

[caro33]

Well it seems to me you have answered your own question. Why not be more direct with her and see what her response is. Could be the start of something great, could be a mistake, but you won't know if you don't ask. Like I said before, it does sound like she might be waiting for you to check. You could come out and ask if she was serious about him, and say that you were kind of hoping she'd say 'no'....

[Aurian]

I guess seeing someone is even more casual than dating.

 

seeing somone