Letting her know in a letter. What do you think of it?

[chedchase]

My ex-girlfriend and I broke up before she left for medical school and I miss her and regret giving up on us...this is a letter I am about to send to her, everything else is mentioned in the letter. What do you think??

 

 

(Her name),

 

The one thing that I have always been with you is honest. I have never lied purposely to hurt you and I never kept anything from you mainly because I love you and I know I can tell you anything and you'll still be standing at my side. This letter is going to be tough for me to write and maybe tough for you to digest, but either way I wanted you to know and I think we both should know. I was planning on waiting to tell you this when I see you again face to face but that isn't soon enough.

 

This is a letter about us. Not so much about you and I as it is just about me. I think people learn a lot about themselves and grow personally as individuals when they are in solidarity. I've had a lot of time to be by myself since you left for medical school and I've learned so many things about myself in just a month. I've thought about my life and what direction I am going, I've thought about where I want to live in the future, how hard I am going to push myself in class this semester, how I am going to get rid of the debt cloud that has hampered me for three years and I've also thought a lot about you. When you and I broke up a lot of things were on my mind. First of all, we had our doubts about a long distance relationship. I tried it when I first came down here with (ex name here) and it was hell for me and we don't talk to this very day. Secondly, I was unsure where my life was going to take me. I had a lot of career choices in the not so different future and you were already making future decisions. Lastly, we had been having the typical problems that once again I inappropriately handled, but that's beside the point. The point is that I was distracted with everything and frustrated because things were about to change for me sooner than I was ready for them to change.

 

I've tried to explain you these things before, but I guess I haven't been too clear on it because you seem to think that we tried and failed our relationship for a second time in a row. Well, if there was failure I am the one that failed. I failed you, and I failed me. When I had all these worries and pressures swimming around, but above all, afraid of giving you up but also afraid of missing you, I hit the panic button. I gave up. I broke up with you again.

 

Please realize that we didn't fail. I failed to believe in the love we have and how strong those roots were and if I wanted to be with you, well damnit, I was going to give it everything I had to keep you. This isn't about me being lonely or heartbroken because the one constant in my life is gone away for school, I realized that I made a panic move shortly after we broke up and I don't need just anyone in my life to make me happy. I even asked you if we could talk it out after I broke up with you knowing that I didn't want to do this, but of course I had already inflicted pain on you and it wasn't an option at that point. So, I gave you space and while I did that I was angry with myself but knew it was just another learning experience and I needed to move on. I needed you in my life but wasn't sure of anything that's why I hesitated if I could be your friend. Of course my mind was not thinking clearly and I was angry with myself more than you. But, when I did think and realized that I couldn't lose you altogether, I knew that I didn't want to give you up completely.

 

So, a week goes by and then I hear you got into medical school. I was so happy for you that day. It really made my week because I was so happy you were going. I wanted to show you that I wanted to be your friend and that I wanted to be there for you—forever regardless of our relationship status, so I offered to help you move. I started hanging out with you more and more and I realized that I couldn't let you go easily and I wanted you back in my life as my girlfriend. But, I knew that you wouldn't want that and honestly, it's better that we are broken up in the sense that you have to do your thing up there and I have to get my life straightened out down here. Then again, the night I spent with you was something that I wanted to cherish. I didn't want to sleep because I knew that as I was holding you in my arms as you slept it would be a while before I could do that again. I miss that feeling. Having you in my arms that night, and every night, as you slept felt so perfect to me. It still does and I miss it every day.

 

The day you left was one of the hardest days of my life. I won't forget hugging you in the driveway and telling you that I couldn't let you go and you telling me that I would never have to. But, I knew as hard as it was for you to leave you were following your dream and it was now going to be my role to be strong and supportive for you. You know I am only a phone call away any time of the day or night and I like being there for you. I've had to say goodbye to two girlfriends like this, where one person was leaving the other. It was easier the first time and I'm sorry that the pain and headaches that I faced with while trying to make the long distance thing with (ex name here) effected my decision with us and made me panic. I should have realized that what Betsy and I was far less than what you and I had. That being love.

 

I was scared and thought it would be easier for the both of us. In fact, however, it has been anything but easy. It's been hard for me. Now, I am learning how to deal with it. I'm learning how to deal with missing you and still being able to function. Everyday feels the same and I wait for it to get better, but it doesn't. I love you with all of my heart and I would give my left arm to just be able to look you in the eye and tell you that. Relationships are a lot of work. Especially, a serious one like ours. I thought we both weren't meant for each other sometimes but I've realized that there's no such thing as a perfect relationship and fights are completely healthy. Hell, I miss you so bad, I'd fight with you right now if that's what it took to know you where here with me!

 

We've been through a lot together. Your MCAT fiasco, your tooth, your boobs, my debt problems, my mom problems….its no wonder we fought more than usual. I've been able to step away and look at this thing from outside the box, and its clear as day to me that obviously with all that going on our heads aren't going to be really into making a relationship work.

 

I've told you that you haven't tried as hard as I have. After thinking about us like I have, I know that you did try hard and that you do love me. I can see that you were right, 90% of our arguments were because of me or because I wasn't remembering that our relationship needed my attention. I expected you to be there forever, and I'm sorry I took you for granted. I really am. All that is in the past though, we all learn from our mistakes. Just like the other night a while back when you asked me if I could see myself being married to you. I told you no. To be honest, I don't know what the future brings and that question caught me off guard but I can definitely see us together in the future if we both want it to be. We have the right ingredients to not let anything come in our way of making a long distance relationship work. Or, at least, I know that I would do anything to make sure that I never let you go. Maybe it did take you to leave for me to figure out how powerful my feelings are for you. Maybe it did take you to leave for me to realize that I would do anything in the world for you. I'd swim accross lake Erie with an elephant on my back, I'd drowned but at least I drowned trying to swim. Ok, that was a bad analogy. I want you to be in my life forever. That's the bottom line.

 

Maybe you think differently, maybe us breaking up the second time caused you to think about whether or not we were good for one another and decided that love can only be so strong. But, deep down I can't stop loving you and that's all I know for certain. I'd do anything to get that back and understand if you don't want it, but I think it's important to let you know that because we broke up and because we are apart my feelings have only matured for you and they've become more obvious to me. I made myself this bed and I'm willing to lie in it, but I keep on thinking of what you told me once: If we love each other isn't it that enough to make it work. It took a lot of thinking and a lot of searching, but I know that you were right back then and I didn't see it. I see it now. I am not going to kill myself over you or try to change your mind if we aren't what you want anymore. I am going to be your best friend regardless of what happens with us. I'm not going to sit at home and regret giving you up either. I have to move on with my life with out without you. We've been through a lot of growing and I am positive the problems we have had with the stress and everything we put each other through is behind us and better times would be ahead of us. I am willing to go the extra mile that I didn't go earlier to make sure that this wouldn't happen again.

 

Now, I leave it up to you to decide. You know how I feel. You know that I wouldn't give you up ever again. You have so much going on in your life and the last thing I want to do is be a distraction and if we were together again, nothing would be different than it is now. Just we'd know that one day the long distance would be over and we'd look forward to it, I'd find a way to make sure it didn't last long…just like I want to find a way to make us work.

 

I love you with all my heart and miss you more than anything. Now, I'm ready to prove that to you all over again and change the thing I regret the most.

 

 

 

Sincerely me

[tobigahart]

Jeez that was a long letter and yes I did read the whole thing!

 

I'll tell you what, you really defined the saying "I think we need some time apart to sort things out" in that letter. You had some time apart, and hell you realised how much you really do love this girl and want to bewith her.

 

As for her? If you're the one who left her, and she osn't over you yet then I reckon you actually have a really good chance. You managed to explain alot in that letter with regards how much you love her and want her and how you were so wrong in the past.

 

If you ask me, if anything will get her back... then that letter will. You've taken your best shot with this one and I hope for the sake of the both of you that she crumbles at your words and takes you back in a second.

 

Best of luck with this one mate, I really hope it works!

[Gunther]

I'm sorry, but I cant read that much in one sitting my legs would go numb for a week. but maybe she likes to read {or you like to type LoL =p} but really thats a pretty long letter, what about "Just checkin' up on you, wanna go get something to eat?"but I assume what you have on there is worlds better, sounds like a good deal and from what I gather you have a pretty good chance of getting her back. better than most anyways send it on in and see what happens, well hope you have some good luck.

[kutekat100]

Its a beautiful letter. I really really hope it works. i'm in the process of trying to write one to my bofriend who broke up with me two weeks ago. But i'm scared about it at the moment. there's a couple of things I may have flinched at in the letter that maybe you shouldnt bring up but other than that i think it will really touch a chord in her heart. if i received that letter i would be back with you now! Good luck. I wish iw as getting it!

[chedchase]

Sorry, this was a real long letter and I appreciate those who did read it responding. I had a lot to say in it and it wouldn't be easily said in a short letter. She's 2,000 miles away so it's not like I can call her up and bring her out to dinner and tell her all this. I'd much rather handle it face to face like that but some things are out of my hands unfortunately. 3 months is a long time and I could miss my window of opportunity to tell her that I was wrong and made a mistake.

[reborn]

Wow,

I had to stop reading your letter in the middle. I am in my office and I almost starting crying.

This is the letter I will dream to receive from my ex. He broke up with me cause he was dealing with lots of stresses in his life. Also it was was the 2nd time he broke up and he gave up on me.

I didn´t get to the bottom of it, but if you are asking us if you should send it, well my answer is please do. I think you have been very honest as far as your feelings, and this in it self is a gift. I think it will make you feel better and her better. Honesty and truth always clears the air and leads to intimacy.

What I read of letter so far, would be my dream letter. The letter that I would do anything to receive from my ex.

Hope she has a positive response. Best of luck to you.

P.S. my coworker is right next to me, and I had to make believe my eyes were irritated and actually had to put eyedrops, so he wouldn´t notice the tears your letter brought to my eyes.

[chedchase]

reborn,

Well...I'm sorry that I almost made you cry at work.

 

If you have time, read the rest of the letter and let me know what you think. It took a lot of out me to write all this and it took a lot of time to really make sure I knew what to say and if I really meant it. It also took a lot of time to hand write it!

 

I got the courage today to put this letter in the mail box. It was hard and I'm not sure what she will say if anything at all about it. But, at least I'll know I've done all I could and now I leave it up to her to decide which direction we go: Friends or try to make this work.

 

Reborn, maybe you can send your own letter even if you were the one dumped....I'd be happy to help you. Let me know what you think of the rest if you can....but try not to cry.

 

Ched.

[lostPO]

wow. That was a long letter but that should give her alot to think about. I agree with reborn that you are being very honest in your feelings and that's probably one of the most important things you can do for yourself and her. Take care.

[reborn]

Hi ched,

Well, I left the office later than my coworker yesterday, so I had a chance to read your whole letter. I think it is beautiful and above all very, very honest. My eyes did water still, but no worries I didn't cry buckets lol. No, seriously, it is a good letter and you did the right thing in sending it, at least that is my opinion.

I am not sure what her reaction will be. That answer lies only withing her. But very few things can open doors in these situations and honesty and sincerity is certainly one of those. If truth can't set her heart open, if there truly was love and intimacy between you, then I don't know what will.

I will say a prayer for you. Hope all works out. No matter what happens I think good things will come out of this letter as sincerity, brings forward sincerity. I hope her truth matches yours.

Best of luck to you from my heart Ched.Again I will kill to get a letter like this from my ex. About that letter you encourage me to write, I will pm you, so check your messages.

/reborn

[chedchase]

Reborn,

Thanks for the kind words...I'll look for your PM. I hope this works out for me, but if not at least I know I tried everything I could.

 

Nothing ventured is nothing gained.

[zerohour]

Ched,

 

I agree with your statement: "nothing ventured nothing gained." It is important to be able to move on with your life free of doubt. It's going to be impossible for you to start getting over this girl if you still have uncertainties in your mind about whether or not you can salvage the relationship. And like everyone here has said, if anything will get her back (at least at this point in your life), this letter will.

 

It is often in the process of trying to remove any doubt about the finality of the relationship that we do things that might seem desperate to people on the outside. But everyone does it--it's absolutely necessary to getting closure. I've done it. It seems somewhat silly in retrospect, but at the time, it was required for my mind to be able to accept the fact that yes--the relationship is really over.

 

So, the letter may work. She may come running back and be willing to work things out. If so, then mission accomplished. The letter served its purpose.

 

And she may read it and decide that she's still not interested. Purpose still served--doubt has been removed from your mind. And at this point you are going to have to be strong enough to admit that things are over. No more attempts, just move on.

 

Either way, at least you will be able to rest at night knowing that you did everything possible to try to rekindle your relationship with this girl. If you did anything other than that, you would have "what if"s floating around in your head for quite some time.

 

Hope everything turns out all right--let us know her reaction.

 

-Zer0

[chedchase]

Zer0.

 

I'll let you know her reaction, as I am sure there will be one. For now when I talk to her on the phone, I won't mention it until she does. Hopefully, I can give hope to some of those who are in similar situations.

 

 

 

 

Ched.

[chedchase]

Ok, I shipped out the letter on Friday afternoon. It will probably take until Wednesday for it to reach her, but a few things have happened..

 

First of all, I was at a barbeque with her mom and she happened to call her mom's cell phone and tells her mom that she got a flat tire (she's going to school out of state in PA)...then they talk and her mom tells her that I am at the barbeque. She asks her mom to speak with me but I went in the other room....her mom said she would call my cell phone in 10 minutes to talk to me...

 

Needless to say, she never called. She's done this to me over and over again recently and she claims to be "Very busy studying and going to class" at Medical School, which I can imagine.

 

So, I was ready to blow her off until I got an e-mail from her this morning apologizing for not calling me back (I haven't talked to her in 2 weeks) and wanted to thank me for the flowers I sent her....saying "they really made my day and they are so beautiful". She went on to ask me to not be upset with her not calling me, she just hasn't got her crazy schedule under control. She closed the letter saying "I miss you."

 

Well, I miss this girl like crazy and I have never gone two weeks without talking to her in the last 2 years...the longest stretch was maybe 3 days. It upsets me because I really look forward to hearing from her and I find it rude that she doesn't call me when she says she will. I told her in a response e-mail that I wish we could talk more and that it bothered me we haven't talked in 2 weeks.

 

Should I be mad? Or am I letting this get to me too easily? I imagine when this letter gets there, she'll be shocked and I'm sure to hear from her when she reads it.

 

Thoughts??

[chedchase]

How long do I wait for a response until I assume that she really doesn't want what I want, which is us being back together?

[Dal]

Hi Ched,

 

I think she'll respond within a week. Like others have been saying, if I were broken up with, then I would love to get a letter like that. But the only thing that might hold her back from getting back together with you will be fear on her part that you'll hurt her again, since you've already done that twice. Trust is a major factor in a relationship, and she has to make sure she has it from you.

 

It is so difficult nowadays to find someone you truly click with and who genuinely cares about you, that she would be foolish to not at least give you another chance. That is a very heart-felt letter that should really register with her. I hope you guys have another chance at salvaging your relationship. Don't be afraid if she takes a little while to respond--

she will respond, eventually. A letter like that cannot be ignored, especially if you still care about the person. It might be difficult just sitting there and waiting for her to respond, but just wait and don't preempt her response. You don't want to add any pressure, like, "Have you read my letter yet?" Of course she has (USPS errors aside). Please do let us know what the result is. I also want to mention that if she doesn't take you back now, you shouldn't be alarmed. She may not want to give in so easily, so an initial rejection is not necessarily the end of the world. The way this pans out will be very interesting, but I know that it will work out for you in the end.

[chedchase]

Well,

I imagine she has received the letter by now and I have not heard from her until last night. She e-mailed me and asked me to download MSN messenger so "we could talk while she's in class" because for some reason she can't download AIM on her computer (she has wireless internet through her labtop and through the school).

 

I'll take this as a good sign. But, what do others think??

 

Dal-

 

Great, great advice and support! thank you very much! I hope you are right.

I'll be more than happy to help you out, look for my PM.

 

More updates (hopefully) to follow, but thanks to all for all of your help....

[chedchase]

She called. We talked about her school and she asked me about my classes and stuff. Then we talked about a few other things and she told me that she was about to go shopping with her friends but wanted to call me and say "hi"...nothing was mentioned about the letter and she said she would call me later.

 

Hmm....thoughts, PLEASE!!!

[Dal]

Hey Ched,

 

I think that either she didn't receive the letter yet, or if she has received it, will talk to you about it later. I don't think there's any way that she will just not respond to it at all. I don't remember, but in the letter, did you give her the option of not responding if she didn't feel the same way as you? Meaning, did you say something to the extent of, 'if you don't feel the same way, then that's fine, I won't mention it again?' I don't believe you did, in which case she will definitely comment on the letter.

 

Give her until this coming Wednesday to respond. That will be a week since you sent the letter and only 3-4 days after which she would have received it. If she hasn't come around yet, then just bite the bullet and call her up and ask her if she received a letter from you. If she says "yes," then tell her that you're wondering what she thinks and that you'd like to hear from her *only when she's ready to respond.* You have to reinforce that last part because you don't want it to seem like you're rushing her into a response. Then just see how things progress.

 

Since I'm going through a difficult situation of my own, one of my friends told me that 'Dal, think about it this way: in 2 weeks, you'll have more clarity into your situation that you do right now, so stick through it and see what happens.' So what I can say to you, Ched, is that as tough as it may be right now, just keep in mind that in a week, you'll know what's going on. This uncertainty won't last forever. (True much more in your case than in mine!) I'll be very curious to see what happens on your end, so please keep me posted, either via PM's or on this forum. I'll do the same with my situation. Keep hanging in there!

 

~Dal

[chedchase]

Unfortunately, I don't have much to update you all on. I haven't heard from her since my last post, but I did make cookies for her and sent them yesterday

 

She hasn't even called her mom much, so I don't think there's reason to think much of it. I started thinking the other day though, since I didn't ask her to respond or come accross that I wanted a response from her....maybe her one call where she said "I just wanted to call and say I missed you"....was all she felt like she needed to say to me. Maybe to her, that was enough...

 

Any thoughts???

[confusedwhcbyahoo.com]

i don't know exactly how long it has been, but maye she is still thinking about everything. you told her everything that was in your heart. she knows how you feel now.

it's hard to tell what is on her mind..give a little more time...she's worth waiting for, isn't she?

let us know how it goes

[chedchase]

I talked to her for about 30 minutes tonight and the letter was never mentioned. It bothered me, so I brought it up. I called her back and here is the conversation, pretty much word for word:

 

Me: "Did you get my letter?"

 

her: "Yeah I did."

 

Me: "well, I hope I didn't come off too strong but I had to get my feelings out and off my chest."

 

her: "It was a little overwhelming...I didn't expect it. I don't know what to say."

 

Me: "Did I ask you I was looking for a response in the letter? I wasn't reallly, I just needed you to know how I feel"

 

her: "I don't know what to say to you....I am have a different life up here now."

 

Me: "Ok, I understand that."

 

her: "What you wrote in that letter...is that how you still feel?"

 

Me: "Yeah. Yes it is. I have had a lot of time to think and I thought a lot about you and I. Many, many nights alone when you left it put things in perspective."

 

her: "Perspective or did you just miss having someone? We weren't getting along and we broke up."

 

Me: "I have thought a lot about that, too, but I know you need your sleep and I don't want to keep you up..."

 

her: "Yeah, I have a quiz tomorrow...we'll talk..some other time about it then"

 

To me, she sounds cautious in that she wants to be sure that this is something I want. I know the reason we broke up is because I expected her to be like me, and failed to realize that people are different and we were different...I needed to accept her for her and not judge her on who I wanted her to be...this is what I plan on explaining to her later. But, I think the fact that she didn't say "I just want to be your friend" is good news....

 

What do you think??