Should I keep checking or not?

[Parsley]

Hiya, this is my first post on these forums. I've been sitting at home driving myself crazy thinking about this so thought I should seek advice from further afield.

 

Right, through a mix of various circumstances, things are pretty rubbish for my boyfriend, and he has been incredibly down for the last month and a half or so. We had a time of about a month when he couldn't contact me, which was beyond his control, but eventually turned out to be pretty soul destroying for me to keep ringing him. We literally got past this about 3 weeks ago, when I told him how I was feeling, and he found other ways to get through to me. Last week, just as it seemed things were getting a bit better for him, he was getting chirpier, he got some more bad news and has slumped right down again, worse than before.

 

Since then he's barely been speaking to me. He's lost his phone and both he and his housemate are really bad at answering their homephone, and he has no internet at home. I only get to talk to him through his work e-mail, which means no communication at all in the evenings and weekends.

 

So I talk to him through emails, and most of the time I'm desperately trying to cheer him up, or at least make him feel a little better, which has little to no effect, but because I don't get any other chance to talk to him I don't care that that's what we talk about. But then sometimes he just doesn't reply to them, and I have no idea why. I don't know whether I should keep checking to see if he's replied, when I know he won't, and thereforeeee being disappointed all the time, or if I should leave it for a long time before checking, but also knowing that when I do check and there's no reply I'll be even more disappointed. It's not even enough that I *know* that there won't be an email from him, because I also know there's a part of me that will still be getting my hopes up every time I look.

 

It's starting to get me really down too. The fact that we went through something similar not too long ago doesn't help. The first time wasn't his fault, and I accept that...but this time he knows how difficult it was for me back then, but doesn't seem to acknowledge it at all. Recently I've been annoying as hell, because I was put on a pill with a strong dose, and it turned me into a crazy, clingy madwoman, overthinking absolutely everything that happened between us. I've just changed pill, and I'm getting back to normal, but still I have a cry nearly everyday because I'm so scared he's being so distant because he doesn't love me anymore or wants to break up.

 

Sorry it's long..I tried cutting out unimportant parts, but then I just kept going. Any help would be greatly appreciated, and I apologise in advance if you say something and I come back with something that sounds ungrateful. Still getting some of the temperamental mood swings associated with the above!

[need2bme]

First, Welcome.

 

Second, I do believe you need to quit checking. He will contact you from work when he is ready.

 

I know how you feel, because I would get a text asking how I was and we would start texting and then she would just drop off. Also, if you look up "motorman" on this site, you will see that he too has sent emails to a girl he cares about and gets nothing in return.

 

We know how you feel. I am right there with you, but I think ahead enough that I am starting to get sick of it.

 

I deserve someone that will replay to me.

 

So do you. He is not your responsibility. It is not up to you to keep him happy. As long as you don't try and make him sad, you are doing ok.

 

"A watched pot never boils". Please take some time to heal yourself and just check once in a while for an email.

 

Hugs

[honeyspur]

I agree with need2beme 100%.

 

It is time to stop the roller coaster ride before you make yourself sick, so to speak. It is very difficult to be the sole emotional supporter of someone because, as you have posted above, no one is able to support you.

It is you that ultimately needs more care and you will not find it in one who is needier than you.

It might not seem like he is needy - but anyone who is always depressed is in need. You are very kind and thoughtful to want to help him out, but yes, you need something in return.

Let go. Not of his friendship, but your attachment to him. Perhaps he feels bad that he can't reciprocate, so he is getting more distant, giving you the cue to move on.

 

As is the case with most people, if you stop trying to talk to him, he will most likely hunt you down, because no one forgets those who tried to help them. Usually, on average, this time apart only takes a couple of weeks. If it takes longer than a month, they are probably not coming back - but even then it is not definate.

[Parsley]

Hey

Thanks so much for your replies. It's the kind of thing I needed...I haven't wanted to ask my friends for help about this, because then they'll have the dilemma of, do I badmouth him or not, and I also don't want them to think badly of him if everything gets back to normal. But yeah, your replies are the kind of balanced opinion I was looking for, so thanks

 

Any handy hints on how to stop myself feeling so disappointed would be great. Last weekend one of his e-mails took a few hours to reach me, so it was after the time he finished work, and was thereforeeee a big surprise. But now there's that possibility lurking in my head it's hard to dislodge it. I didn't even look at my laptop for hours this evening, just left it upstairs, but when I came up to bed my heart was pounding in case there was a reply. I'd know it instantly as I have a little gmail notifier on my desktop. There wasn't anything if you're interested, and the vast majority of me knew there wouldn't be, but the tiny minority that hoped there would be managed to disappoint the entirety of me.

 

x

[honeyspur]

Well my suggestion is simply to choose not to be disappointed, since that's what disappointment is - a choice.

You've said clearly that you don't want to be - but we do not do things that don't have some element of benefit.

Perhaps the benefit to disappointment is the amount of sympathy you give yourself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you are wallowing in self pity - that much is certain.

But if you are keeping this pain to yourself, somebody's gotta sympathize with you right? Why not do it alone?

Because it keeps you stuck.

My suggestion is to tell your friends. They probably know exactly what to say and do. And you would be there for them right?

 

Support is important because it shows you have strength and are more interested in healing than staying sad. If you are healed or on the road to it, you will be more beneficial to your boyfriend when he does come looking for you as well as anyone new if you end up moving on.

 

You can do this.