Will This Work??????

[hugmeup]

I guess I am already going thru the bad feelings that would come along if he decided that he doesn't want to take this any further.

 

The depression is the worse. Waking up with that panicky feeling inside.

 

I would continue to feel unloved and lonely.

 

I am not well emotionally.

 

I feel calmer though. Not sure for how long but it is almost 5pm here and he will be off of work in 3 hrs and I really don't have the urge to call as bad right now.

[hugmeup]

I didn't say thank you Blender. Thank you so very much for helping me through this difficult situation.

[blender]

Okay, you are actually making progres, because it is a wonderful sign that you have been willing to answer these questions, and take a moment to "realize" that all is fine just the way it is, it's more so YOUR pattern of thought that is "creating" this "need/urge" to call him...

 

so could you tell me, when you feel or wake up this "panicky feeling" what do you think will happen if you "just feel" the feeling, and make a choice to NOT re-act to it?

[hugmeup]

I have an anxiety, panic disorder and although I doubt that I will have a major panic attack, I don't like the feeling.

 

As it is I have a hard time functioning when I am depressed and I don't want to end up so sick like I did in 1987 when I ended up in the hospital with a severe depression.

 

Guess this is progress: it is 6:30pm and at 7pm he will be off of work and I will not have called him.

[hugmeup]

The hard part is not to react to the overwhelming (panicky) urge to contact him. Guess the urge will go away like it did tonight.

[hugmeup]

I am so STUPID!!!!! Only 15 minutes left and I called him. He said that he's been going to rapid city for the last 3 days and hasn't been home.

 

I told him that I wanted to face this straight on if there was something wrong with us.

 

Told him that I thought that maybe he didn't like that I called his friend and the hospitals.

 

Told him that I didn't want to be a pain in the butt!!!!!!!

 

He said he was going to be home tonight and that he would contact me but now I feel like a fool.

[blender]

Well, like an alcoholic, they go to the bar thinking "yep this is going to be my last drink, I already know I don't like the way it feels afterwards.. but this is the last one..

 

Well you gave into your urge.. nothing has changed, it won't change anything with him.. or with you.. and those panickly feelings that lead you to this call.. well they go away, without you having to call...you know that already, it just take 'self control" you know that "control" you so badly want, it needs to be focused on YOU, your own choices of behavior, not HIS...

 

he's just some guy, no matter who he was, or how he was behaving, you'd still be going through all this.. it's YOUR pattern.. and you have the power to break it, you do.. one baby step at a time, like today.. you're doing great.. keep it up, it will empower you, and you CAN LEARN a whole new way to be, on moment at a time..

 

even if you love him, it can't possibly be a healthy love, otherwise none of these "panicky" things would be happening, you're just not in a healthy place emotionally, but I must say you show WONDERFUL SIGNS of improvement, even from when this thread started, and that is A HUGE example of who well you can "CONTROL' your choices... talk them out, follow your "fears/feelings" all the way through with FACTS... and don't be afraid to "feel your feelings".

 

You said you don't like the "panicky" feeling, well just say to yourself, "here it comes that damn feeling, I'm making a choice to feel this way, it's not based on any facts, or any real fearful outcome, nothing bad is happening, nothing is going to happen that I can't handle, I'm a loving, kind, strong woman, and I'm just fine, just fine right now, as is...

 

and if a man is going to be in my life, he has to make a loving intentional effort to respectfully make it happen if not, I will NOT call him, I willl not reduce myself to a highschool girl behavior.. I won't do it.. breathe.. relax, let go, in time I will know if this guy is worthy of my energy, there is no emergency here, it's just life.. it's fine.. we'll see.. the sun comes up tomorrow..

 

and maybe take a moment to stop focusing on yourself, and this guy, even if just for five minutes, light a candle and say a prayer for those three missing hikers in the mountains I saw on the news... that's something for someone to actually panick about ....

[hugmeup]

Oh blender you are so wise and such a help to me.

 

I wll read and re-read your words of wisdom.

 

Thank you so very much.

 

Now how hard should I be on myself for calling him?????

 

I'm not sure how I feel right now. Well I do feel like a fool.

[blender]

Okay, okay, at some point during this thread, you already knew what you were going to do, right? It's your pattern.. you find "comfort in your isecurity"...right?

 

Whatever you are 'feeling" has nothing to do with HIM, this is your choice, your pattern, your thoughts... if you want to be "hard on yourself" for calling him, yes, that's a choice, or you can CHOOSE to "learn from it and let go for a moment"...

 

What do you choose to do?

 

And if you can, just take a moment to answer the following:

 

So are you all calm now that you called him, all the panic is gone, do you feel all secure now?

[hugmeup]

Blender, I am going to be very honest as I have all along.

 

The fact of the matter is that no I do not feel much better.

 

I've been hard on myself for calling because at one point you mentioned that if I didn't call him I would feel a small sense of good if he initiated the contact.

 

Well I wish I would have waited and I still feel panicky because who says he is going to call me and if he doesn't I'll have to start all over again.

 

I have to make better choices for my own good.

 

I feel as though I should make the choice to make that this thing with him has ended.

 

Then I believe that I will feel better.

[blender]

Well, you are making a choice to "falsley believe" that somehow you can anticipate every out come and "plan" your anxiety around it... ugh..

 

Do you pray? Do you have a god? Is there a higher power you have any faith in?

 

It seems you put so much power into the hands of "whomever" instead of trusting fate, god, yourself...

 

Tell me what terrible thing will happen that you fear most, if he does not call?

[hugmeup]

Blender I see what you are saying. You mean that I shouldn't make any choices as to the outcome of situations that just have to take it's course.

 

I used to be close to the lord but I've strayed and don't feel worthy anymore.

 

Trusting fate and god is good but not myself for now. Maybe later when I've learned to make better choices and decisions.

 

If he doesn't call then I will go thru what I've been experiencing for the last couple of days but not as bad because I know the feelings will pass if I just find something to do to occupy my time.

 

I have too much time on my hands and nothing to do for my own enjoyment.

 

I've just rented out a room in my house to a couple of girls. Since I have a very developmental and physically disabled 25 yr old daughter whose needs have kept me pretty much homebound, I am thinking that one of these girls will care for her a little so I can go to a senior center or something.

 

A part of me wants to tell this guy (if he calls) that I can't continue in the relationship.

 

Another part of me wants to just let it be and see what happens.

 

I think the latter is the better.

[blender]

I really don't quite understand your comment:

 

QUOTE: I used to be close to the lord but I've strayed and don't feel worthy anymore. Trusting fate and god is good but not myself for now. Maybe later when I've learned to make better choices and decisions. END QUOTE

 

so you are even in control of who is worthy of god and who isn't....hmmm, that's a lot of control...and you also can not trust fate, even though it's inevitable? hmmm..that's powerful... is that attitude working for you? Or does it cause you to "panic"?

 

It seems you do whatever is best for your

"panic" in the moment, and your "feeding" this "panic" with a "pattern" of seemingly regretful choices... because the fact is you always have a choice to just try a different approach...

 

I pray that someday you make choices that are best for you in the long run... and not just in the "moment of panic"...

 

No matter your decision on what you "choose" to discuss with this guy if and when he does call, there are no gaurentees, there is god, fate, and self respect.. with those on your side, you can make better choices....and no matter what the result you will be at peace within yourself.. and there will no longer be "panic"...

 

I hope your new roommates are kind and helpful with your daughter...are they aware this something you would like them to help you with? I'm sure they will be more than helpful..

 

I know everything will be just as fate has planned, and all will be okay for you, your daughter and your life, with or without this guy in it..

[hugmeup]

You know blender, I have had a very hard life as I am sure others have as well.

 

I subconsciously learned the control thing from my mother who controlled me to the point where at 2 yrs of age I didn't move from the chair until she allowed it.

 

She was an alcoholic and was emotionally and psycologically abusive.

 

I was sexually abused at 12 yrs of age and became VERY permiscuous and confused sex with love.

 

I was needy even then because if a guy paid attention to me I thought I was loved and I felt the same urges to call, look for and run after him if he left me.

 

I've always had self-esteem issues because of my weight, frizzy hair (when I was a kid) and suffered terribly in school.

 

I married when I was 19 because I was pregnant. My then husband compared me to model like women and after 4 yrs and 2 kids we divorced.

 

I jumped into another relationship with an undocumented, alcoholic man who was not affectionate after a while. He was mean and used to put me down a lot. He asked me out on a bet with the guys in the factory. They thought I wouldn't accept because I had refused others because they were not my type or married. He told me that I was not his type but fell for my personality and good heart (so he said). After 12 yrs and 2 kids that ended in divorce. He left the marriage with papers and a very good job that I encouraged him to go for.

 

Then I jumped into another relationship with a man who was also undocumented, had no job and was selling cocaine when I met him. I always settled. I guess it was subconscious again because I didn't think I could do any better and this man told me what I wanted to hear. He quit selling the drugs after a while but my kids suffered because of it. Again in the beginning of the relationship he told me I was not his type one time and I slapped him and left but he pursued me and I hooked up with him. After 17 yrs he left me for another woman. Even after I found out about the affair I told him that I didn't care and he could be with both of us. He told me to have some self respect. I was devastated and had to go on but my life has gone downhill since.

 

When I ended up in the hospital in 1987 they put me on antidepressants that turned off any and all sexual desire and I pretended with my last husband for 10 yrs.

 

During the 2 and a half years that I have been alone I felt very content because I didn't feel the need or desire for a man.

 

Then one night on October 4th this year, a man came on to me at a gamesite and I felt a rush of sexual desire that I thought was gone forever.

 

Thats when I started looking again and put myself on a dating site.

 

I am not ready for a relationship I realize that because of all the emotional baggage I carry and I wish I could be the woman without the desire again because I see all the reactions from the past surfacing.

 

I have to start doing things for myself but I don't know how to start at 56 yrs of age.

 

I should look for God again.

 

Keep talking to me blender. I need it.

[hugmeup]

I forgot to mention that I had my first nervous breakdown when I was 16yrs old.

 

I spent many years of my life hating my mother and step dad (who just died a week ago).

 

I forgave my mom when I was in my mid 30's.

 

My kids felt that I picked my last husband over their needs ( they are right ) and we are not close.

 

My mother was so jealous of everyone that she did not allow for me to build healthy or close relationships with aunts, uncles, cousins or anyone else for that matter.

 

I know I cannot live in the past and I don't dwell on these things but I do know that all of this has molded my life and the way I am now.

[blender]

You're going to be okay, even better, look at your history, you have survived, now it's time to "thrive".. you deserve too, and it starts with you loving yourself, beind proud of yourself, and accepting yourself...

 

If this guy is worthy of you, then let him make an effort to be in your life.. if not, then you can save your energy and panic for a better purpose..

 

I'm not a bible thumper, I just believe that I am not in control of everything, and the times I do feel best is when I have the courage and yes it takes courage to "let go and let god"... sometimes it's best to do "nothing" and just be silent a moment, feel our feelings, realize the tough road you yourself have traveled, from your alcoholic mother through all the troubled men you've been with.. you are a survivor..

 

So now it's time to become a 'thriver", and that starts with knowing you will be okay without a "man" in your life... you can do so many things, and one of them is to start congratulating yourself on all you have been through and think, 'wow, i'm something, I've been through alot, and i"m still here, still willing to fall in love, wow, life is amazing and so am I".

 

Please try NOT to call this man again... let go and let god.. you will be surprised how empowering it is to surrender to a higher power/fate/god/universe, whatever you want to call it.. just let go.. be silent, be proud of who you are.. you are special and have survived so much already, it would take a lot to slow you down.. c'mon, you know that..

[hugmeup]

I also think about the fact that this guy could not satisfy my sexually because he was too small.

 

I know he is not for me. He stood me up the first night I was in Vegas and it cost me money as well a arranging care for my daughter to go there.

 

All he had to say was "I Love You" to win me over to the point of not wanting to let go.

 

I can't allow this!!!!! I have to let go of this whole situation!!!!!

 

Please keep responding blender. Thank you, Mary

[blender]

Mary, quite honestly there is nothing to let go of here, but your own mind games you are playing on yourself... right? This guy is just 'some guy" who said the magic words: I love you.. talk is cheap, actions speak louder than words... and the same goes for you, your desperate need to feel some sense of "control" over him is not about "love" either.. it's your "need" to alleviate your sense of "panic" that's all...

 

so please trust fate, it's inevitable that whatever will happen it will be okay, you are powerless over others, we all are powerless over others, we only have power over ourselves, our thoughts, our words, our actions... so for tonight rest easy, breathe.. and remember this guy is NOT your life, he's a "speedbump" on a road you've been down before.. so grab hold of the steering wheel, look ahead, be aware, be confident, and then put it on auto pilot and let go and let god...

 

Can you let go for tonight? Just for tonight?

[hugmeup]

Yes blender, I can let go for tonight. Love your straight forward, kind and sometimes blunt but true words.

Mary

[hugmeup]

Hello everyone

 

Well he never called me and yes I should be thankful that I didn't invest more time into this thing ( whatever it was ).

 

I just feel so let down and hurt.

 

Blender I keep reading your replies to me and it helps so much.

[blender]

God sometimes does for us what we can not do for ourselves, so even though you are hurt and let down, please be grateful that this guy is no longer going to get the honor of your energy in his life.. try not to take his actions personally.. he was a "speedbump" in your life, just fates way of reminding you to "slow down" and remember how special you are, and that you require a very special man if he's going to be able to be in your precious heart and life, and this guy simply revealed he does NOT fit the bill... good riddens to him.. NOW YOU JUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.. PUT YOUR ENERGY INTO YOU...

[NmaeZero]

I'm not sure if my opinion carries too much weight here b/c (1) I'm only 17 years old, and (2) I'm also involved in an online relationship; but I will say that I feel you tourment when it comes to being obcessive about a guy.

 

But as hard as it is not to want to talk to this guy 24-7 you've got to learn how to recognize you're complusive behavoir and work on stopping it. Distract yourself, go out and have some fun!

And remember, the biggest dictator of your life is you. If this is hurting you inside examen the situation and make a choice not to feel like this anymore. I'm learning how to do the same, so if it helps you're not alone.

 

Hope my 2 sense helped

[hugmeup]

Update:

I hadn't talked to him since the 13th and thought he wouldn't contact me again.

 

The night before last he emailed me and told me that he had been in jail and that he needed to straighten some things out in his life and move forward.

 

I emailed him back and told him that I was sorry he had been in jail and that I hoped all would go well with him. I told him that I figured, by his email, that what we had (short as it had been) was over and wished him well.

 

Well he emailed me back last night and said that he was sorry I had taken it that way. He said he hadn't gotten any sleep for a week and had to walk home from jail which took 5 hrs and had to walk to work and back at 2 and an half hrs each way. He said that he didn't want to bring me into the he was going thru and that it wasn't over between us. He said he loved me and wanted to see me in his life but that I should do what my heart told me to do and that he would not hold anything against me.

 

What do you think of all this?????

 

blender where are you??? I need you.

[NmaeZero]

Uhhhhhh... well I can't really say too much about the jail thing because I am also in a simlar slightly different situation...but has he told you why he was in?

[hugmeup]

No nmae, I haven't talked to him yet. I have all of his personal information i.e. address, phone number, full name but don't know how to go about getting jail info on him.

 

I have cried so much because I feel that I love him but I am tired of crying and wondering.