Will This Work??????

[hugmeup]

If you look at my other posts you will see that I am a very insecure, needy and obsessive woman with a very low self esteem.

 

I met a man on an online dating site about a month ago. He lives in another state and we hit it off really well.

 

We chatted, IM'd and talked on the phone too.

Things got hot and he said he thought he was falling in love and I felt the same way.

 

I put up my web cam and he saw what I looked like and I had his picture from the dating site.

 

Since he was going to be in Las Vegas the first week of December with a friend, he asked me to come out and meet him since vegas is closer to me. I went for the last 2 days he was there.

 

The night before he left to Vegas he sounded very nervous and talked about how he was afraid that I would not like him because he looked so much older than he was. He has a low self esteem problem too.

 

We met and I was attracted to him. We talked and walked around for a while.

Then he was going to go to the store and he told me he would call me in my room when he got back so we could get together.

 

He didn't call that night and I was so hurt. But he called the next morning apologizing. He said he and his friend went into a comedy club, started having a few drinks and he didn't get back until 3am.

 

He asked me out to breakfast and I accepted. We went out to breakfast (his friend was with us). Then we went walking on the strip when he took my hand and I could feel the connection.

 

When we got back to the hotel he came up to my room with me where we looked into each other's eyes and kissed. His kisses were very passionate and we made love. He is not well endowed and he was not able to satisfy me but I felt good anyway.

 

When we parted he said he would miss me and that he loved me and I reciprocated. He said that we would make arrangements to meet again.

 

Anyway, that was December 6th and since then we have IM'd each other, chatted and have expressed our love for each other.

 

We have even talked about my coming up to live with him sometime in April because it is so cold out there right now.

 

The problem's I have are several.

 

First I am scared to death. Not about moving in with him but about making the changes to move. I have to make some irreversible decisions and changes to my life.

 

I freak out when I don't hear from him for the whole day and then start doubting him and our relationship. I don't tell him how I am feeling though and I feel better when he IM's me. Then it's the same thing the next day. I am ok until so many hours have gone by without hearing from him. For instance we chatted last night for one hour and he hasn't contacted me since and 24 hrs have gone by.

 

I have too much time on my hands. I don't have a life and he does. He works full time and has a little girl that he loves dearly and sees every weekend.

 

I am getting very depressed, anxious and paniky. I don't know what to do.

There are times when I talk to myself and say "Just forget about it and let it go".

 

But I do feel that I love him. What do I do????? How do I deal with my insecurity and fear????

[DN]

I think you would be making a mistake if you made such major changes to your life based on one meeting for a couple of days and IM and phone conversations.

 

I suggest that you do the following:

 

Arrange to spend some vacation time together - maybe somewhere neutral for the first few days and then on home turf (yours or his) and see if the attraction is still there.

 

In the meantime - get a better social life for yourself. Don't go looking for romance with someone else but something to keep busy and make some friends. Don't wrap your life around him - or the prospect of him.

 

You need perspective and these suggestions will help you gain that.

[RayKay]

Umm, well, I would just like to caution against making plans to move in with someone after only a month of chatting, and one meeting only a few days ago really.

 

You really don't know him at this stage of the game. By all means, if you see each other more and find it does feel right, but wait a few months first at least.

 

And, I would also say that even if this guy is great, you really need to work on the insecurity issues because they WILL destroy a relationship. Part of the problem is as you said you don't have a life. Why not? Do you have any passions? Do you volunteer? Go out with friends and socialize? You cannot wrap your entire life around one person, or put expectations on them to make your life everything you want - that is up to YOU to do.

[hugmeup]

I know and maybe that is why I am feeling so out of control. I don't have any outside activities and have been pretty much homebound for 2 and a half years.

 

One of the problems with meeting with him again would be the finances involved. Neither of us has the money it would take to do that soon.

[doyathink]

I agree that ...if it were me, I would have to get to know this man..face to face...before I would give up everything, and move in with him.

 

Hopefully you can come up with the money to vacation together and get to know each other a little more.

[hugmeup]

ok so today makes 48 hrs that he hasn't been in touch with me and I feel bad about it. I've made a strong effort not to IM or call him but it is so hard. Please help me.

[rocio]

Is this the 30 year old you were seeing online previously? Just curious.

 

Some great advice has already been given. But it's easy for us to tell you that you should get other interests, hobbies, and a social network of your own. It's likely easier said than done.

 

The important part is that you know yourself and understand that your neediness and insecurity is a problem. Have you tried counselling? I feel for you because it must be difficult carrying the weight of all that drama. I hope you can find a way to relax and enjoy this beautiful and exciting part of the relationship - the beginning.

 

I also want to tell you that your story was enjoyable to read. I totally wanted to be you - flying to Las Vegas to meet a new guy, holding hands while walking down the strip, doing breakfast, and ahem the intimate part. Enjoy it for what it is, and try not to force something that's not ready to happen (ie: moving to a new state).

[blender]

First of all you barely "know" each other, and you are having your own insecurity issues regardless of who he is....

 

I'd be concerned about a man who would ask a woman to move in with him, when he has daughter to put as a priority... is this sounding and respectful and mature?

 

I don't know the details, and I'm sorry you are in such a worry state of mind, but when in doubt as you are, just take more time, and instead of wondering about what HE will do, take time to set some values/standards for yourself, get your sense of self, know that you are in need of some therapy so you can feel good on your own, and not fret just because a man doesn't call for a day.. this "needy" feeling is not about HIM, it' something you can resolve in yourself.. through therapy, and until you resolve this,

 

I would lovingly suggest you don't make a choice to involve a man, or his daugther in your insecuriies.. HE does not hold the key to your issues, ONLY YOU do... get some help, you deserve to be at the top of your intelligence and potential, and then you will make some sound choices about your life.... there is NO emergency here, so take your time...

[Batya33]

You have received great advice particularly from DN and RayKay. I would add that I see a major red flag in a man who supposedly is trying to make a good impression and basically stands up a woman who has flown to see him with the excuse that he got drunk - but then is available to have sex. I think that is why you're worrying so much when you don't hear from him - because it reminds you of the way he behaved the very first time you met. Neediness is a great basis for a short term relationship only.

[hugmeup]

You are right batya33

I do remember the night he stood me up and wonder if he is just leading me on.

 

hazey_amber: no this isn't the 30 yr. old guy

 

I am really sick emotionally and cannot afford therapy. But I feel like I should try to let these feeling pass as hard as they are. I have the ucky feeling in my gut and so sad and anxious.

 

The last IM I sent him was Wednesday evening. It said "Hope you had a good day. Miss you, Love you, Mary

 

 

I don't want to lose anymore of my self respect by sending anything else.

[blender]

Mary, don't send him anything else, that "feeling in your gut" is your wise instincts crying out for you to listen to them, don't ignore those feelings, be proud of them..even if it hurts...

 

it's okay you took a risk, met this guy, but now listen to your "gut" and let go, he does NOT hold the key to your happiness, YOU hold that key, now hang on to it, and run in the other direction of this guy, do not contact him again..

 

let it goooo... and cry, and learn from this, and be proud of yourself to not let your emotions overwhelm you, it's okay.. it'll be okay, you will get over this.. don't let it get to you too deeply..

 

Remember they say, "You can't stop the waves of emotions, but you can learn to surf."

 

Get through those "horrible feeling" moments by saying out loud to yourself:

"Okay this hurts, but thank god I didn't spend too much of my life on him, and now I can listen to my instincts and forget about what I "hoped" he "could" be and let go completely of who he has "revealed" himself to "really" be...

 

save yourself for someone much more worthy of you...

[hugmeup]

Thank you blender, for the kind words.

 

It is too late as far as me not trying to contact him. I tried him at work this morning and his boss said that he said to take a name and number and he would get back to whoever was calling him.

 

It is Saturday, December 16th and the last time I heard from him was Wednesday, December 13th in the afternoon. His last words to me were Love You.

 

I know what happened now.

 

He had been VERY sick with what he thought was pneumonia and on the morning of the 12th I called him. He sounded so bad and said he wasn't going to work and was going to the doctor.

 

Anyway when he didn't contact me at all that day or night to let me know how things went at the doctor I got very worried that he might have been admitted to the hospital.

 

So I called his friend to ask him if he knew the names of the hospitals in the area and I called the hospitals to see if he was there.

 

How stupid was that!!!!!!!

Is it obsession?????

I was truly concerned!!!!!

 

It was the following day that he IM'd me and we chatted. During the course of the conversation I told him what I had done and asked him if he was upset with me for calling his friend.

 

He said: "no, why would I be"

 

I told him about calling the hospitals because I had been so worried.

 

Do you think this scared him off??

 

I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I am so sad and upset with myself for being the way I am.

 

Any comments would be appreciated no matter how hard it is for me to take.

[rocio]

Were you genuinely concerned? Or was it more because you felt rejected and neglected and wanted answers? I'm suspecting a little of both.

 

My ex freaks out when he doesn't hear from me. He gets very worried and considers calling the security guards in my work building, or my landlord. It gets very annoying, because usually I've just decided to go to the mall or to a movie. But then, I'm pregnant with his child. I understand his concern.

 

I'm sure he understands your concern, since he was sick. It likely makes him feel touched. At the same time, though, he might feel a bit overwhelmed. I would.

[blender]

Well, the only thing you do have control over is your OWN choices.. and you seem to be in a "do it, regret it later" pattern.

 

This is a grown man we are talking about, if he were sick and he wanted you to know, he would make sure to call you, even if he were "really" ill, there is any number of ways he could contact you... why would you feel you couldn't "trust this" about him, or about anyone?

 

this is not about how this man chooses to behave, you have your own "issues".. and you seem to be aware of them, so that is a good start, but breaking these "life patterns" is very tough...

 

Why do you think you are so "needy and desperate" regarding a man?

 

If you can follow through your thoughts of "where is he, why hasn't he called, what if he's sick, I'm worried".. well next time you start down this spiral of "self dooming thoughts" STOP, BREATHE, and GET LOGICAL.. talk yourself through it all the way before taking an action..

 

do you know what I mean? Say to yourself, "wait, I'm doing it again, I'm letting my mind play all these tricks on me, I'm trying to hang on tight and control the future, instead of "trusting" that if a decent, kind, respectful man wants to be in MY life, then in time he will reveal if he is worthy, and if he is making an intentionally loving respectful EFFORT to be in my life, if not, then it's his loss, and I will move on...

 

so no need to make a bunch of calls to his friends, to hospitals, to him.. just "let go" don't hang on so tight, even baby's squirm when we hold on too tightly... remember HE does not hold the key to your happines... if you keep 'LOOKING OUTSIDE OF YOURSELF' for validation, you will always be on an emotional rollercoaster that is way off the track..

 

Your "healing" needs to begin with you, your "happiness' is inside of you, you have to make a "choice to be happy" and can you get some therapy to help you "discover" WHY you are feeling so insecure, and desperate at times.... I think you will feel so much better if you can find the "reason" you feel the way you do..

 

I'm not going to address whether you "scared this guy away" or not, HE does not matter right now, you have your own issues to work through.. and as long as you are deeply stuck in this "unhealthy pattern" no man will cure you of it, no matter how attentive, how loving, how perfect he may be..

 

It's time for you to try to work on your own life.. it's what is best... you are making the false choice to try to get a "man" to validate you, tell you 'it's okay" if you call everyone when you are worried about me..etc... why would you ask HIM if that is okay??? Did you feel good about doing it??? What are your "standards, values and boundaries" that you set for yourself in life??? I really think you will feel better if you find your own happiness first, inside you.. you deserve to discover this.. it's there, it really is.. you might just need a bit of therapy to uncover it... okay??

[hugmeup]

hazey amber: Yes I was truly concerned. It is now that I am feeling rejected and neglected.

 

blender: You are so right. I'm not sure why I am so needy and desperate. All I know is that I've never had a man love me for who I am and I've pretty much taken care of my ex husbands. Yes I need help and in the meantime I feel like I am dying inside.

[blender]

that's okay to "feel" like that, but it's not a "fact".. be careful enough with your own heart to cherish it.. cherish yourself, and remember that you will continue to have these "desperate, needy" FEELINGS, but take a moment breath and do NOT make a choice to RE-ACT to these feelings each and every time.. follow these "feelings" through with the "facts".. and the fact is you are NOT dying inside, you are simply letting your "issue" get the better of you,

 

it's a pattern, a bad habit, one you have to break no matter who the man is in your life, or if you are even on your own.. value yourself.. and others will too..

 

we teach people through our own behaviors in how we will allow them to treat us... remember this.. have the self respect to not initiate contact with this guy.. and be careful enough to take some time to "get to really know him"..

 

he's just some guy you met, and you are already saying you "love each other".. is it love when you are "worried" not "hearing from him".. and feel like you are "dying inside"??? NO, THAT IS NOT LOVE..

 

that is a "life pattern", that is unhealthy and has very little to do with a mature, respectful, kind, loyal, self respecting blossoming love... because that kind of "love" takes time, and take two complete individuals who posess thier own happiness within themselves... getting into a relationship to "attain happiness" never, ever works... it's not "real, respectful, or healthy"...

 

so wait, and work on you... you are worthy of a much healthier, more self respecting way of living.. without this self induced anxiety...

 

you will be okay, with or without this guy.. you know that already, that is a FACT.. so breathe and separate your "feelings" from the "facts".. and let go a bit, and please seek some therapy... you are worth it..this whole situation has very little to do with this guy, or with "love".. this is about your "habit and life pattern" being indulged....remember we get the same lessons over and over again in life, until we are willing to learn and then do things differently...

 

please take care of yourself, continue to come here on this site so you can vent.. we all care.. we really do..

[hugmeup]

I know you care blender and I am crying because all of this hurts so much.

 

I want to call him so very much but I am fighting it.

 

I did IM him telling him that what I had done by calling his friend and the hospitals was a bit much and telling him that I wanted to know if he had a change of heart. I told him that we needed to talk about it openly and honestly.

 

This was before I read your latest post to me.

[hugmeup]

Please Help!!!!!! I Want To Call Him!!!!!!! I Am Fighting It But The Feeling To Call Is So Strong!!!!!!

[DN]

Go out for a walk for an hour and don't take a cell-phone with you.

[blender]

Well, if you think you are "suffering" now, how will YOU feel AFTER YOU CALL HIM AGAIN??? Follow through your "urges" with FACTS... this is a bad life pattern you are stuck in, so yeah, sure you can call him, and you will still NOT get any guarentees, any validation, anything he can offer you that will alleviate your own issues... and then you will actually feel "WORSE' after you call right??

[hugmeup]

DN he gets off work in 4 and a half hours. So I need to do something to keep me from calling for that length of time as well as for all the other times the urge may come to call him.

 

Blender you are so right!!! Fact is I have no self respect no will power but this has got to be one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do.

 

I am very lonely and can only take a few minutes at a time right now.

 

I WON'T CALL HIM!!!! I WON'T CALL HIM!!!! IT IS SO VERY HARD BUT I WON'T CALL HIM!!!! CRYING

[DN]

Anytime you get the urge count slowly to fifty before doing so. That will give you time to convince yourself it would be a really bad idea.

[blender]

Okay, so it's hard, you will survive, and when he does initiate contact, whenever that may be, you will feel a small sense of confidence and empowerment because YOU made a choice to wait, and be busy with your own life..

 

yes it's very difficult to "break a bad pattern of behavior".. so it MIGHT SEEM like it "feels" better to give in to it, in the moment, and pick up that phone.. BUT THAT RELIEF IS ONLY TEMPORARY... and the afterwards, sends you reeling.. into self doubt, self critism, etc...and actually will make him feel an overwhelming unrealistic sense of being responsible for your state of mind.. and NO man is interested in that responsibility, that is YOUR self work to do, not his... again, He's just some guy you met..that's all he is right now.. why are you giving HIM so much power???

 

so let's say just for YOUR urges sake, that you do give in right now to this irrational needy pattern you are choosing to engage in...say you call, then what happens??

 

What if he actually said everything you wanted to hear, and it was like a fantasy, and he just was oh so happy you called??? but then what?? do you "FEEL' secure, better about yourself, is all okay then?

 

NOPE, again this false euphoria you are seeking well, it's only temporary..

 

because HE does not hold the key to your self respect, and now that you have the awareness to acknowledge to yourself, (not to him) but to yourself, that you lack this self respect, then what choices of behavior are you willing to work on so that you might gain some self respect..

 

Answer: it would have to start with you making a choice to behave as if you did have self respect.. and then the rest will fall into place...

 

Please answer the following questions, it might help you gain some clarity:

 

Why do you want to call him?

What "good' comes from it?

What do you expect him to say to make you "feel" better, and I mean exactly what would he say that would make you "feel" better, write out what you "need" to hear?

How will you feel about yourself after you make this call?

Why are you making a choice right now to concentrate on HIM?

Is he your "god"?

Does he validate your exsistance?

Are you not already a wonderful kind loving woman without him?

[hugmeup]

I want to call him to feel in control of the situation and to ask him if we can talk about it later tonight or tomorrow.

 

Nothing good will come from it.

 

He will say that everything is ok and that he loves me. He will call me baby again.

 

If I were to call him I will feel like I am begging and will feel terrible about myself.

 

Because right now I have nothing. I found him online and he became my everything.

( Isn't that stupid? )

 

No he is not my god. He is a man that fell in love with the loving, caring, good woman that I am.

 

No he does not validate my exsistance. But nothing else does at this time.

 

 

Yes I am a wonderful, kind, loving woman without him. But I am so very needy and starving for love.

[blender]

Okay, those were wonderful honest answer, you seem to be at least little by little actually GETTING CONTROL of YOURSELF.. that is the ONLY control you need right now... because it's a not "real" to think or believe that you can "control" the situation.. you must first get "control" of yourself, and it starts like this, just asking yourself questions and answering them in a healthy self respecting way..

 

so please answer this, so you can keep gaining clarity:

 

If you are "starving" for love, why? what is your worst fear that will happen if he doesn't give you love?